An Alternate Viewpoint

I have resolved my own issues, but I'm offering up an observation that was helpful in my situation. I realize it's a generalization, but hopefully it helps others. You may have seen my crude comments to others and this may shed some light on those comments.

It seems there are two kinds of people: (1) sex follows intimacy, (2) intimacy follows sex.

If both people are type 2, then they probably aren't reading this board. The wife and husband think it is their duty to have sex in a marriage. Thus, they do "it" whether the other person is interested or not. The end result is that they end up communicating more - after the fact.

Type 1 people, in contrast, need much more comfort and stability - as a result of communication - to give themselves to their partners. In this case, they won't simply do "it" just because of the marriage. And, the lack of sex turns into a vicious circle pushing people farther and farther apart.

In some ways, I think Type 1 people tend to be much smarter, much more 'cerebral' than type 2 people. All you have to do is read the stories and comments here to realize that the average "sexless" person is generally far more educated and capable of expressing their thoughts than the average forum poster.

We analyze, we think, we read, we suffer, we contemplate, we approach, we plan, we revisit, we compare, we join anonymous internet groups.

But here's what I've learned - all you really need to do is bang your partner - somehow - and the rest will fall in line. You need to figure a way to get over that enormous hump. Do something. Feign life ending illness. Get them drunk and take advantage of them. Something. You got married for a reason. They loved you at some point and likely still do.

Then, realize that you are at fault as well. You let it go "too long" before you recognized the breakdown. You may be too busy. Whatever. You didn't make sex a priority. As a result, you suffered a marital breakdown - but you both loved each other enough, or felt secure enough, to endure. Be the bigger person. Make it happen. Quit thinking and start acting. Smile and be happy. It's just monogamous sex with your best friend. Just do it.

Finally, I will continue to advise people to have affairs and seek hookers. I think that (A) it shows the desperate seriousness of the matter, and (2) if you took the time to find this group, join, and read this much, a simple sexual release is not what you are after. In fact, the act of having sex with a prostitute can be a very callous and "unfriendly" act.  Imagine a cheap hotel room with all lights turned on - "Take all your clothes off. Put on this condom. Okay. Let's do it." It's a generalization, but I'm guessing that isn't the experience you're looking for.

But my ultimate advice is to stop thinking about it - and just do it. Don't resent your partner until the lawyers are involved. Until then, make every effort to seal the deal. There is no shame in making a fool of yourself trying to save your marriage. Try anything (within reason). But also, be a big enough person to recognize when it is done. You only said, "I DO" to that person one time. Make sure that if you are going to say "I DON'T" you've done everything possible to correct it. Then, say "I DON'T" exactly once, get a good's night sleep, wake up with a clear conscience and make eye contact with every attractive person you see - it's a crazy world out there - you'd be surprised at what can happen.

Good luck my friends.
johnwhozzle johnwhozzle
17 Responses Aug 8, 2010

Tried it - didn't work - I'm bored now x

tahoe you have totally missed my point. the back rub is meant to be anything but "spicy" the point is touch without the pressure of expectations of anything else. like i said most people don't really want to work that hard or risk that much to solve a problem. i 'm about as ann landers as cruella deville. i've just been there before and have tried something that worked for me.<br />
be well

i'm going to stick my foot in my mouth here and offer up my sheckle's worth. as a woman, if i do not feel sexy, or do not feel sexually attractive to myself or my mate, then it aint gonna happen. if you can find out why your love feels that way, if that is (the problem) then you can help them work on it. it takes a bit to get them to trust you enough to actually tell you the truth about how they feel and think, so don't think that you are going to sit down with them and get an answer in 10 minutes or so, you won't. most people don't really have the guts to find out what really is going on and help solve the problem. talking is helpful if you don't try to tell them that whatever they feel is wrong or you don't invalidate them as a person. don't try to "fix" them. listen and support ask questions but don't whine and accuse. if you can't keep an "attitude" out of your voice, then don't bother talking to them.<br />
the other thing that might be helpful is to make a promise that you will touch them in a non-sexual way every day. write it down on a piece of paper and post it somewhere after you talk about it. i have found that the longer you go without being touched, the harder it is to get used to it again, especially in a sexual way. if the other partner doesn't feel like every time you get near them it's "here we go again", then maybe they won't freeze you out. a back rub is a good start. just give them a back rub every day, so they are used to you touching them, you will feel it when you touch them and they stiffen up or don't. don't take it personally, just keep working thru it (easier said than done, i know.) if you love them don't lie to them, you make the promise then stick with it, because if you go back on your word, you do more damage than before you ever tried anything.<br />
okay, let the bashing begin. hooah!

To Whoozle: I'm with mryan.& made some good points. thanks! <br />
To BA & hiss. open your minds guys...stuff happens and sometimes its good stuff. But ya gotta forgive or at least forget for a little while.

I thought for a while, justing 'doing it' would STBX husband was the refuser in our situation and when he would use the excuse of 'i'm not really in the mood', i'd try to explain that he may not be now, but once we got going he would. I tried 'just doing it' but as @Duke said....there's little us ladies can do if our men aren't 'in the mood'....its a physical impossibility! I was in the mindset that if we managed to get the quantity up (from zero, surely this would mean anything would be an improvement) that he would start to want it more....this is what you hear...the more you HAVE sex, the more you want it....but if you're married to a refuser that genuinely does not want sex full stop and is not willing to even try, there is no hope! I hope this tactic works for some, but i fear it probably doesn't for most people LIASM.

I think that in certain situations, this is very good advice. Thiis group is called I Live in a Sexless<br />
Marriage. Mariiages became sexless for a variety of reasons and not every SM is completely sexless. Further, contrary to some of the more outspoken oipinions here, not every SM has an evil villain Refuser! Once you're at that point, ypurebeyond hope. <br />
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For the past several years,my husband has been the refuser. I've done the talks and the just let's try. I'm done. I am working on<br />
accepting that the man who I considered my soil mate has no desire for me and does not care about how I feel. <br />
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There was a time , however, where the just do it advice was quite helpful. After the birth of our first daughter, it took me a while to be interested in sex. I was in "mommy mode" and tired. I didn't feel sexy or crave regular sex for a while. He complained at one point that we were living like roommates! But there were magazine articles that said, sometimes if you just do it even if you don't think you're in the mood, you will get into it. And for me it was very true. Once we got started I realized how wonderful it felt and I got into it. And when you are physically intimate, you have a better emotional relationship. <br />
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So there's no right answer for everyone.

Have to agree with @Duke on this. When my H doesn't want to do it, there's not much I can do. I can only do so much to get his 'attention' but, the 'wilting' starts fairly quickly. ;)<br />
I've read about the 'just do it' strategy where you just 'do it' for a period of time and it rekindles the fire.<br />
Two key points to remember - it REKINDLES the fire. The fire needs to have existed at some point in the past and, both parties need to be willing to try it.<br />
If one partner is not willing and you 'just do it' isn't it bordering on rape?

OOps guess I am an Idiot I will delete that. I

Hey April!! Relax!! Backagain is talking about the OP's story - not your comment! Deep breaths girl . . . .

My husband and I went the first 2 years of marriage and only had sex 3 times. Then we did just start doing it, and for a while it seemed to work. Then I found out that for a few months before that there was a girl he was texting and meeting up with at a bar. I believe that he never had sex with her and that it didn't mean anything. He did end things before we started having sex again and I suppose that is what made him realize he still wanted me. The girl he was talking to was very unattractive and she ended up being a little stalker like. Since I found out I am not sure wheather it is me he is waiting for to give him permission or if he is waiting for me to not be so hurt. I don't talk to him much about it because if I bring it up it just makes me upset. To him it wasn't a big deal but for me it is huge. I am not sure if I should just start things up or wait until I feel like I am over it a bit more. My husband is a good man who became weak . I think we have done well getting the feelings back but now I want to have our intimacy back. It is a little bit wierd because it forced us to deal with the fact that our marriage was dull and lifeless, we are begining to fall in love again but I am not sure I know how to go about getting our sex life back.

I think Mr. Wozzle makes a good point, though. Many times, our 'heads' get in the way of our bodies. He is saying, if possible, find a way to do it because where there is sex in a marriage, good things follow. His point is to put the emotional baggage aside. <br />
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Logistically, this will not work for all of us, but it might just work for some of us...<br />
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My 'homework' from my therapist this week was to have a good time and just be normal and do what I want, when I agendas, no trying to figure anything out. It was nice, actually...

Most of the people here have been trying to push their partners into sex for ages.<br />
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Begging, pleading, cajoling, sexy lingerie, weight loss, weight gain, introspection, it doesn't work.<br />
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I understand what you are trying to say, but the majority of us are in relationships with people incapable of intimacy. They fear it really deeply. The only thing that truly seems to change the dynamic in the situation is giving an ultimatum to get help or you will leave and MEAN IT. And, often the fear is so deep this won't even work.<br />
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Telling people to just have sex somehow is almost a bit insulting.

Unless I miss your point you are suggesting a visceral / brain stem approach to the resumption of sex, which might then morph back into intimacy - and more sex - and more intimacy.<br />
And you suggest that 'alls fair' (within reason) to get the reluctant spouse in the sack to kick start the process.<br />
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Reckon this might work in some cases where there is still some sex drive in the brain stem & the spouse is 'reluctant' rather than 'refusing'.<br />
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Dunno that there would be all that many ILIASM spouses meeting this criteria. But who's to know.<br />
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What I did really like is your position on resentment, that the time for that is when the legal **** fight starts, not while you are trying to better the marital situation. Requires tremendous self will to not carry resentment, but it is a laudable aim. <br />
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Tread your own path

It seems that your strategy would work best in a situation where the sexlessness has not yet become a long term established issue - in other words, a tactic that aims to PREVENT sexlessness from becoming a long term issue.<br />
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It seems that this is most likely to work where a couple has previously enjoyed a good sex life - and this has stopped for some reason. Where sex has never been desired by one partner, it might seriously back fire . . . . <br />
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I heartily endorse your position of doing everything you can to break down the barriers before they become entrenched. There are risks to your strategy - no doubt you are aware of these! But it seems likely that it may work well for some - particularly if supported by the other actions you recommend.<br />
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I rather like the "sensitive new-age" Johnny Wozzle - but I'm looking forward to offering you advice when you return to your previous persona . . . !<br />
"Max out that card on them hookers and kick that ***** to the kerb!!" :)

Yes, Bazzar figured me out. <br />
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I offered up a generalization that worked in my case. Hopefully, it helps someone. I'm guessing it is inapplicable to most, but figured I'd post it anyway. Don't worry, my "bad guy" facade will be back up tomorrow.

Ahh, Johnny Wozzle! Just when I thought we had a genuine "bad guy", it turns out you are a sheep in wolf's clothing . . . !! Much kudos to my Bazzar for recognising this ages ago . . .<br />
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I'm somewhat confused about your post - are you talking to the "refuser" or to the Refused? <br />
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"But here's what I've learned - all you really need to do is bang your partner - somehow - and the rest will fall in line. You need to figure a way to get over that enormous hump. Do something." <br />
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As a woman, I am not sure how I could accomplish this . . . ? My ex husband would not touch me - he always found sex very undesirable and eventually would not allow me to even touch his body. Like many here I tried everything I knew to change this situation - from doing everything possible to make myself more attractive to him, begging, pleading, seducing . . . . etc. etc.<br />
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I tried for the full 22 years we were together - 20 years of marriage, of which 13 years were completely sexless in EVERY respect. Maybe I am one of the ones for whom your advice is not applicable . . .

You said "Do something. Feign life ending illness. Get them drunk and take advantage of them. Something. You got married for a reason. They loved you at some point and likely still do." This do thing is not working for me i have drawers full with sexy lingerie, i try getting him drunk, i try waiting naked for him, sending sexy text messages, therapy and aint working i even try to touch him while he was asleep!!! In some cases i dont think this do something aproach is going to work because you need two to work in a relationship.Thank you for your opinion and i hope this work for someone else!!<br />
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Good luck to you!