My Story

Since I had to delete all of my stories a while ago, I figured I'd try to condense them all into one story. It's turned out to be quite long though. My apologies. 

13 years ago, at age 19, I moved out of my fathers house and due to difficulty finding a job, moved to a new town as well. I had been there 2 weeks and was miserable, exhausted and alone. I was walking home from work about 8pm and decided to stop at the pub. On walking in I saw the accountant from work sitting at the corner of the bar with 2 women. I was invited to join the group. I sat next to one of the women and eventually got chatting to her - and she blew my mind. I had been a loner throughout my childhood and had never really felt people "got" me. This woman was the first person who understood me and we chatted for hours about everything under the sun.

A month later we shared our first kiss and I was like a teenager… Uh, actually I was a teenager, but I remember dancing and skipping my way across the lawn to the room I rented at the back of somebodies house. She was 13 years older than me (and still is...) She struggled with the social pressure of partnering someone so much younger. So we would go out and with a couple of drinks easing her inhibitions, end up kissing. The next day we'd be "just friends". She eventually relented after I chased her for 5 months, and we "got together". We had sex for the first time after this cat and mouse game had continued for that long and it was incredible. In hindsight, I should've seen this as a REALLY bad sign - any woman who can kiss a guy repeatedly over 5 months without sleeping with him is either not interested or not OK, but hey, I was 19. What did I know?

We moved in together and sex slowly became a once every 2 weeks affair, but was still pretty good when it happened. She was into it and would climax at least once each time. We moved from our small flat to a cottage and sex started to dwindle further. I don't remember when exactly I realised I wasn't happy with the frequency, but I discussed it with her. She told me that she needed to feel like I was committed to her in order to feel like having sex with me and that it was time we got married. I was very afraid of that commitment, but, after humming and ha-ing for several months ( and having her threaten to leave more than once), I thought: "hey, I'll get sex again" and proposed. Hey, I was 21. What did I know?

We eventually married a year later, but the sex didn't improve (surprise surprise). She used to joke that after marriage the "hole closes up". One and a half years into the marriage, she almost divorced me, saying that I didn't support her and wasn't pulling my weight in the relationship. Her sister stepped in, flying her overseas for "a few weeks" that ended up being almost 6 months. During this time I had a very close encounter with her best friend, playing and kissing, but not actually having sex. I know, call me a fuckwit.

When she got back, things didn't improve even though she said she'd undergone some "personal growth" (surprise surprise). She still opened her legs for pity sex every 3 months or so, after I begged. She had told me for ages that it was normal for people to have less sex after marriage and I believed her. Hey, I was 23, what did I know?

Eventually, I just couldn't believe her bull anymore, and by that time, Google was actually a viable research tool, so I started researching and found several sites that said the average married couple have sex twice a week. When I told her this she told me that this was crap, and these sites must be trying to sell something. It was at this stage that I started to give up on the idea of ever having a fulfilling sex life.

Having married far too young and having been the last guy any of the girls in school would date, I had only had one long-term relationship before my marriage. At 16, I'd met a nice girl and we actually got on quite well. She had a GREAT sex-drive and when we saw each other, would have sex 3 times a day. This relationship lasted 3 months before I broke it off. I know, I know, but hey, I was 16. What did I know?

I tried to stifle my libido and continued my very good sexual relationship with Mrs.Palmer and her five daughters, but I became more and more unhappy.

In December 2006, my wife invited her sister-in-law to stay at our house for a week. She did, and it was during this time that I started to realise that I found her quite attractive. My wife had gained some weight and just didn't take very good care of herself whereas her sister-in-law was in great shape and knew how to shake it. Of course, the inevitable happened and I kissed her. I didn't sleep with her, although I would have given the chance. I know, double fuckwit, but hey, I was 28… OK, I should've known better.

A year later, I emigrated, going ahead of my wife to "prepare the ground", while she stayed behind and sold up our cars, house, etc. We spoke frequently and she said to me on numerous occasions that she knew I had never "played the field" and that if I wanted to, I should do it now while I had the chance. "Just don't catch anything and don't let me find out about it."

So I did. I met and played around with 2 women. It was really quite amazing to feel like I was wanted again, even though these were both sex-only relationships and both women knew and were quite happy with that. It was a mindfuck to have 2 women who really wanted me to have sex with them. They were both SEXUAL people. I didn't know it at the time but this was the beginning of the end of my marriage. My attitude started to shift from staying in a sexless marriage to either this is fixed or it's over. Of course I made 2 mistakes. I found Experience Project and the ILIASM group and posted my story, saying that I was confused and that being with 2 other women had reminded me how much fun and how "sexy" sex can be. My wife, who had access to my email account, found my story and read it. She had a fit and swore that our marriage was over, that she wanted nothing more to do with me, etc. In some ways, I wish our marriage had ended then. So my first mistake was letting her find out, my second mistake was catching something. Luckily enough, chlamydia is easily treated with a one dose anti-biotic, letting her find out wasn't so easy to deal with. I'd like to ask the women reading this how I was supposed to know she didn't actually mean it when she said I should play around and not let her find out. Hey, I was 29, but even if I was 50 I don't think I'd have known.

She obviously really didn't want to lose me because she really did try to become more sexual. We were still living in different countries but we had Skype and webcams, and we did play several times on video. I even convinced her to buy a vibrator (trust me, this was a HUGE step for her). I was starting to think there may be a glimmer of hope for our marriage when the "video playing" suddenly stopped. After about a week I asked her what was going on and why she'd been avoiding it when she flew off the handle at me and ended up in tears, saying it made her feel dirty. That was the end of that.

Of course, When she got here 10 months later, nothing improved. In fact, things got worse. I thought things would get better in the new country, with less stress for her. (We sexless spouses really are the eternal optimists, aren't we?) After getting a job here, she lasted 3 weeks and then resigned saying she had been bullied. She then refused to get another job saying she was too scared of being bullied again. She tried a couple of ways to make money at home but lacked the self-discipline to actually make anything work. So, I was now a man working full time to support his dependant wife. I was also doing the budget, the shopping, paying the bills, cooking more often than not, doing the home maintenance, mowing the lawn and getting mediocre sex about once a month for it. I surprisingly (stupidly) stuck it out for another 2 years. Late last year, I joined Experience Project again and with the help and support of a bunch of really wonderful people on here, got up the courage to end my marriage. I'm lucky enough that after an initial fight it's been a very amicable divorce. It's been 3 months and I can see the light again. I'm happier than I think I've ever been.
Iamhere4me Iamhere4me
36-40, M
23 Responses Aug 8, 2010

I don't think you're nasty. I think like a lots of us that you're lost. And sometimes a kick in the but can help. I also need it.

sorry it is spelling mistake . it is writing not wriring.

@4PM60. I got a very interesting reading of my post by WLO as well. <br />
<br />
Strangely enough, I feel highly complimented when people think I'm a nasty person! LOL

Hey VS, thanks for your support. To be fair to WLO, I sent her to read this when she showed an interest in my situation. I think that due to some issues of her own she's highly sensitised to emotional and psychological abuse, and read it into my story.

Wow.....went digging for old posts just to hurl insults.<br />
<br />
Reminds me too much of a certain knobby-skinned bridgedweller.

WLO,<br />
<br />
The following is the definition of Gaslighting from Wikipedia: <br />
<br />
"Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception."<br />
<br />
It is indeed interesting that you could read this into my story. Your jumping to the conclusions you have, ba<x>sed on very little evidence is somewhat akin to a soldier with PTSD diving for cover when a door slams. I find it somewhat amusing that you're accusing me of gaslighting when my stbx was the one who used to tell me, for example, that normal people hardly ever have sex. She used to come up with "creative ways to remember arguments", so they became my fault. She insisted that my parents bullied her (even though I had been there), leaving me to try and make up excuses for why she wouldn't see them. And yes, she frequently used to say she had asked me to do something and would flip when I hadn't done it. I remember fairly frequently wondering whether I was actually losing my memory. So who exactly was gaslighting in my relationship? <br />
<br />
Another thing you may want to consider: your massive guilt over the end of your relationship (as shown by your comments on my story "Semantics"), coupled with your insistence here that your ex was abusive, points out that you have not dealt with the emotional rollercoaster that comes from the end of an abusive marriage. I suggest that you get some counseling and address this before being judgmental of other people. I'm sure you're a nice person, but your unjustified criticism makes you sound far from nice.

The difference between wisdom and bitterness. <br />
Is acceptance and application.<br />
<br />
Bitterness would prevent me from wanting to shake up this comfortable circle of like-mindedness.<br />
Wisdom enables me to see that those that can grow past the point of anger at their own creation of sexlessness and can start working on the real reason.<br />
<br />
Their own behavior.<br />
<br />
I am willing to guarantee that anyone in the forum that is now in a satisfying sexual relationship has probably experienced a shift in beliefs. If they haven't identified and addressed their expectations and are now in a sexual relationship (Jaws theme playing in the background) it may take a few years... but I reckon the sexlessness will rear its head again.

Wisi and Peaches, thanks for your support. <br />
<br />
WLO, "But it made me wise, Oh so wise." <br />
By the sound of things, it also made you bitter, oh so bitter.

After what you' ve done to her, I'm truly surprised she stays. I can tell you why she doesn't work though. No confidence. You took it from her. <br />
<br />
Just like my gas-lighter took mine. As clear as day tome.<br />
And I bet you just want to get rid of her now.<br />
Use, squeeze the life out of it and throw it away.<br />
No remorse.<br />
<br />
At 19 years old, most men have enough sense. That's no excuse.<br />
At 25 they should be on their career path.<br />
At 34 they should be making money doing it.<br />
If she supported you getting to where you are, in fact, if you are still alive...<br />
I'd say, with your behavior, she's definitely earned a lifetime of down time.<br />
<br />
However. <br />
<br />
All done and said,<br />
It is my opinion that she is mentally compromised because she is still with you.<br />
Please tell her that from me with all my love. <br />
I know what you've done to her. <br />
<br />
It was done to me.<br />
I've never recovered.<br />
But it made me wise.<br />
Oh so wise.

Well done to you. EP helped but you did all the hard work.

WLO,<br />
<br />
I'm a little shocked at your response. I find it interesting that of all the people who have read this and my other stories, you are the only one who thinks I was gas-lighting. <br />
<br />
I have never claimed that I did nothing wrong. Far from it. I openly admitted a LOT of things that were stupid, nasty, unjustified, take your pick. I made a lot of mistakes. I will have you know that I was not the one with the manipulative and controlling tendencies. She was. <br />
<br />
I'll tell you what made me the boy who was "not liked" (actually, I was just the boy who wasn't paid any attention to). It's called Asperger's syndrome. It made me painfully awkward and defensive in social situations. This, coupled with deep insecurities from a very difficult childhood, made me very nervous of people, at the same time as trying to be a "pleaser".<br />
<br />
Why was she with me? Well, she was 32 and unmarried, living in a small town. I believe the term for it is "being on the shelf". I was the new boy in town, and I was 19. Yes, that's 19. There is a 13 year age gap and that only made things more difficult.<br />
<br />
Ethics, honour and trust are issues I work on every day. I'm not proud of the things I did. I'm completely honest about them because I know they were wrong and I'm NOT trying to hide anything.<br />
<br />
If I didn't care about her, I wouldn't be in this situation right now. I would've dumped her, sent her back home and moved on. I've been taking care of her (since she came back) for 8 months. I've gone to work (she doesn't work), paid the bills, bought the food, cooked, helped her with things that she needed done, etc, etc, etc.

4PM60 This is an incredibly sad (and somewhat selfish) story. How incredibly DEVASTATINGLY sad. Not once did you say you loved her very very much. If a woman does not feel loved, cared for and feels neglected emotionally, she simply cannot put out long term. What did you have to offer her as a younger man anyway? Were you the last man in town? If you were the last person anyone wanted to sleep with, why did she end up with you? Is she mentally compromised? Sorry to say this, but if you're an ok looking boy with an ok character, girls will always want to sample you. There is always a good reason a boy is not liked...<br />
<br />
Did you ever try and take her away, romance her, tap into her brain and soul and feed her needs? I sense so much resentment, unkindness and manipulation, I would have run. And run very far and fast if I were her. I have friends like this, well, I'm HER friend from a distance. He is underhandedly unsupportive of her. All looks great on the outside. Everyone sympathizes with the hard lot he has had to put up with. His friends think she is a mean cold nasty woman because that's what he wants them to think. He has told them all that she wont put out for him.<br />
<br />
She was the sweetest most loving person I knew. He hated her friends and slowly cut them off somehow. Lack of support and isolation has sucked her dry. She has no energy for outside friends, sex, or any other duties. They have young children. She is simply emotionally drained. Exhausted.<br />
He uses this to justify an open marriage. <br />
It's called gas-lighting and it destroys the people they do it to.<br />
<br />
Interestingly, the other women in his life see through him pretty early on. His few men friends think he is a hero. And they treat his wife like **** and suspicion if he ever invites her to go out with him. <br />
<br />
Now I'm not saying you are exactly like him, but have you have ever criticized her girl friends? You certainly broke her trust in her family and friends my kissing them, (I assume she found out), so you are already an abuser and a gas-lighter, 4PM60. <br />
Either she loves you very very much to have stayed with you this long, or you have cut her support network down to nothing so she has very few options.<br />
<br />
Block me if you like, but this is what I feel, reading every word your story again and again. In horror. Which nearly made me sick with worry for that woman you called your wife.<br />
<br />
And I know, because I've been there. I don't know if you were violent with it, probably not. Mine wasn't either. Neither was he remorseful. But I tell you, being with someone that kissed my friends and family members was a sick, sick, sick situation.<br />
<br />
What kind of a bastard man does something like that to someone that loves them? No matter what the justification.<br />
<br />
There is a thing called ethics.<br />
ETHICS.<br />
<br />
And honor.<br />
HONOR.<br />
<br />
Which result in trust<br />
TRUST.<br />
<br />
Frankly... in my honest opinion you don't care one jot about her, never really did.<br />
And that is truly horrible.

Darlin, missing you lots too. I hope you are well. I'll look for you when I'm online my friend.<br />
<br />
Enna, I also thought we looked like the perfect couple, but a few people have told me since that they could see this coming. My new partner is indeed going to benefit from the lessons I learned. I love that saying about teaching. Thanks for sharing it. It can be used on life too: "Be sure that after twenty years, you have not LIVED the same year twenty times…" Thanks for your comments my friend. I love you to bits!<br />
<br />
Arenas, Thanks! It's your turn next… :-D<br />
<br />
PM, thanks. You're right, it's like one issue becomes the token or symbol of everything that is wrong with the marriage, and we think that by fixing that one thing, everything else will be magically solved as well. I was quite lucky in that I was able to keep the big picture in sight. Being sexless alone wasn't enough to make me leave because it still happened every now and then, and being the eternal optimist I still had hope. It was all the other **** that made it hopeless for me. My wonderful PM, this cat's already got 2 paws and a head out the bag, so we may as well let it go. You know just what lies ahead for me, it does involve lots of $@#, and you're as excited as I am! :-)<br />
<br />
Hi Baz, thanks for your comments. Yes, even when I got here and had the flings, I still wasn't ready to leave then. My marriage was very valuable for the lessons I learned so I don't see it as wasted life. I certainly plan to enjoy my journey! Thanks mate.<br />
<br />
Lynn, thank you. Yes, I think the flings I had were due t the lack of intimacy I felt with w, and I felt that way because we didn't have sex. Of course, she wasn't "putting out" because of other issues in our marriage. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that infidelity is usually a symptom of a problem in the relationship, which is usually a symptom of yet another problem on the relationship. It can get rather complex!<br />
<br />
Isthisit, yes, it has been quite a journey. It kinda fits in with my philosophy. Life is an adventure, may as well explore it! Congratulations on leaving your refuser! I know what you mean when you say your life has been transformed :-) Yup, I too like AC's addendum to the wedding vows!

Wow - what a journey you have been on, but congratulations you are through it all! I too, left my SM 10 months ago, and although not divorced (yet) feel like my life has transformed! WTG you! :) And I agree with AnarC....that should be in ALL wedding vows!!! ;)

if that was my man i have sex everyday and make it work you got to have a spark and chemistry i only be faithful to the one i love

You can only do what you can do at a given time with what you then know. At 23 that wouldn't have been a real lot.<br />
<br />
Looks like you nutted it out in a bit over 10 years.<br />
<br />
Took me 25 !!!!<br />
<br />
You are, and will be, a better person for all the pain you went thru over the journey. And you will be able to draw on what you know (and stuff still to learn) on the rest of your journey.<br />
<br />
Enjoy it.

4PM60, people made similar comments to me when I left my marriage . . . I too was surprised at how many people had long thought we were incompatible. I thought we looked "very happy" to the outside world . . . LOL!!!<br />
<br />
You are at the beginning of your "new" life - take with you the hard won lessons and continue to grow, Your new partner will enjoy and benefit from the growth you have already achieved. . . . <br />
<br />
When I first started teaching, a wise old teacher told me:<br />
"Be sure that at the end of twenty years, you have not taught the same year twenty times . . . always grow and develop so that each year you build on what you learnt the year before."<br />
<br />
Forty years later, I remember that as one of the most valuable pieces of advice I ever received - and have tried to implement it in my life at all levels. Pain is only worth enduring if we truly learn from it.

MISSS YOU BUNCHES Friend but oh so happy you are well and happy!!! xoxox

Hi Princess! it sure is nice in the land of the launched, isn't it? :-)<br />
<br />
Hi Choccie! Thanks, you're right about me not making those mistakes again. I certainly will keep all of you posted on any new developments. I'm going to hang around here for a while and try to bring hope and possibly advice to those still stuck in the ****** situation I was in just a few months ago. <br />
<br />
Hey Meerin, thanks! It's funny, you're right about it being a mess, but I couldn't see it like that while I was stuck in the situation.I found out the other night that w's sister used to refer to me as her sisters long-suffering husband! Sometimes we really can't see how bad our cell is until we escape it.

Congrats on getting out of that mess.

So happy for you mate!! Keep us up to speed on what's happening, won't you? It sure was an epic, but you survived it, and that's the main thing. You won't ever make those mistakes again xxx

Hurray, Hurray, Hurray! Welcome to the other side, brother! :)<br />
<br />
Princess Smilinginthesun

AC and FE, thanks for taking the time to read my story and comment. I know it was a bit of an epic, LOL.

Congratulations. Now, just make sure you tell your next wife that your wedding vows is "To have and to hold and to have passionate sexual intercourse at least once a day otherwise death will be the way we part. " or something like that.