I Don't Think There Is Any Advice Out There For Me...

My husband and I have been married 32 years. He was in the military, gone alot and we moved every three years. I held part time jobs when ever I could, and trying to be both parents to our three girls plus maintain a household all on my own. He touched me only when he wanted sex. No other affection was ever displayed. One day when he came home I was just fed up. I told him if the only time he is ever going to touch me is when he wants sex, then I didn't want him touching me at all. Well, that's when the sex stopped, alittle more than 10 years ago.  He retired from the military and took jobs that kept him away even more. He finally moved overseas. We moved over with him and my younger two daughters came with us. The youngest hated it so much I had to bring her back home so that she could graduate with her friends. So we lived separately for about two years.  She eventually moved out and went on her own. My husband informed me he wanted to 'date' again and wanted a divorce, he sent me an email with the news. I told him no way and moved back overseas with him. I left everything behind.... home, job, my kids, family...everything. I got over here in January and told him to give me two years. We'll save money (money is the key to him about everything) by me being here. I hoped that that would be enough incentive to let me stay. In the mean time I've been doing everything to try to get his attentions. I was very depressed for many years, off and on antidepressants, gained 50 lbs and went completely old and frumpy. Since I've been here I've joined a health club, lost weight, bought sexy lingerie, and have tried everything to get him to notice me. He won't even let me touch him, not even slightly, like if our bodies accidentally touch he jerks away. I have tried just kissing him and he pushes me away. Otherwise we live fairly normally, like room mates. We go to movies, out to dinner, he lets me do whatvever I want to the home, have dinner parties, go shopping, etc etc. We've been married 32 years. I don't want to give up on us I really think we could grow old together and have happy lives. We've invested so much! But he is completely turned off and tuned out. He said that he wanted a divorce because he didn't want to be unfaithful to me. He had too much integrety for that. Ya, ok to dissolve a 32 year marriage so that you can go out and screw. That takes ALOT of integrety. So obviously I am bitter and resentful, especially over the fact that he won't even try. Do I stick it out for the two years in misery? Or just give it up and try to make some sort of life for myself alone (I'm 55 years old and don't really think I will start another life with someone else). Any help out there??? Also what I didn't mention is the fact that he is VERY good looking and does not look his age at all. He feels he could do alot better, all of his executive friends have younger second wives.  I truly think he wants me to be unbearably miserable so that I will leave on my own and prevent him from feeling guilty about kicking me out.
dancesilly2 dancesilly2
11 Responses Aug 8, 2010

WLO, <br />
Not all women are pathologically so selfish.

Yep. My sexless partnership - the man kissed, kissed harder, got a hard-on, wanted to jump me, we had sex. I wasn't mentally prepared, just physically. With no romance and loving mental preparation, it became a pattern. kiss, kiss harder, bit of groping, hard on,sex, clean up. Wonderfully cuddly and intimate I'd say. NOT.<br />
And he wondered why I couldn't bear to have sex after a while.<br />
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MEN!!! The biggest sex organ a woman has is her brain. And foreplay starts with communication. From the moment she wakes up. Even disagreeing is intriguing to a woman.<br />
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Learn it and never forget it.<br />
Banter is foreplay.

that's hell of a bad experience. but you can't be a martyr all the time. If you really have a motivation, do it for your children, their future relies on how much you love them and they should be your inspiration.<br />
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boarding schools

Thank you for all your comments. I really didn't wait for him to say he wanted 'out' before I came over here to try to salvage what I could. This was really the first opportunity I had. My youngest daughter was living at home with me going to college. She has since joined the Coast Guard and moved to CA. The last 10 years I was focused on my kids, job and maintaining the home. He was focused on his job. We sold our house and I got rid of everything to get over here. I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I do not think he is having affairs. I can't see when he would fit them in. That doesn't mean there isn't someone waiting in the wings for me to leave. There are thousands of women here that are looking for well to do western husbands. But he won't tell me one way or another. I think I'm doing this for me, I guess I just want to make sure that I've done what I could in my own mind. I will be seeking counseling and I hope he will join me. If not, then I know that I am doing the counseling mainly to get me through this. We have plans on going to my inlaws for Christmas, our three daughters will be there too. I will confront him then and we will have to make a decision on whether or not I will come back. If it isn't going to work out I will just stay in the states and have my stuff shipped back there. Until then we'll go to the movies, dinner, watch tv, and I will do his laundry, clean the house, and go through all the motions. At least I'm with him. I have feelings for him even without the intimacy and the sex, why I don't know. I just do.

You only have once life to live.....so I guess you should think about if you want to waste anymore time with a person that obviously does NOT want to be with you, or love you! Your kids are grown, you are entitled so a big chunk of his retirement. Don't waste another minute in this relationship!! He has shown he won't be there for you NOW, so why would you want grow old with him? Moving on at this point will definitely be scary, but wasting your life with him is even scarier!!

Are you hanging on to him for any valid reason? You say you have "built a life together" - but there is little evidence of this in your story. It sounds like a marriage where you have spent years apart and years of moving without putting down roots . . . there is no sex and no affection. He deliberately chose jobs (after leaving the military) that kept you apart - what does that tell you???<br />
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You say 'it takes a lot of integrity to go out and screw' in a sarcastic way . . . but in fact he HAS behaved with integrity. He told you he wanted out - and you refused to listen. You insisted on having what you wanted - to preserve this shell of a marriage. Why was that??<br />
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And I strongly suspect he has been having affairs ever since you returned to him - he TOLD you he wanted a divorce so as not to be unfaithful. You wouldn't listen - so I would not be at all surprised if he took that as his cue to have affairs anyway . . . .<br />
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I know I am being harsh here - and I do truly feel sorry for your sadness. But you are reaping what you have sown. You are clinging to a marriage where the highights appear to be shopping and dinner parties - that is not much of a marriage IMO.<br />
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And you are acting like a victim in saying:<br />
" Or just give it up and try to make some sort of life for myself alone (I'm 55 years old and don't really think I will start another life with someone else)"<br />
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I left my marriage at 57 and at 58 I am living with a man I love in what is the best ever relationship of my life. Who is to say you might not have the same good fortune?<br />
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But you need to act positively. What would make YOU happy - apart from clinging to this farcical marriage? What would YOUR new life look like? What things would YOU like to have / to do / to visit / to undertake - if you were free to live YOUR life? Please stop clinging to the life raft (which is holey and not sea worthy) and strike out boldly for shore! You may find yourself in a wonderful new land full of promise . . . . Give yourself a chance.

Yes, what Meerin said...<br />
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I can understand not wanting to leave a life you've built. I have many days where I feel the same. However, I also realize that if I choose to stay for 'the life', the sexlessness and lack of love will be the price I pay for it.

You haven't had sex with him in 10 years and only showed an interest in him when eh said it was over. What are you trying to save? Why do you want to stay married to someone you did not want to touch you?

He is done with you.<br />
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I feel compelled to point out that you became the refuser first. We reap what we sow. I am sorry your harvest is such a bitter one. <br />
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Princess Wishesyouwell

Thanks so very much for your comments. I just wish there was a template we could go to that would analyze our situations then tell us which decision to make. Do you go with the unknown (which may make you even more unhappy?) or stick with what you know. Though every day may be the same, at least you know what to expect for tomorrow! I've gotten all the advice: "threaten him with leaving" well that won't work..."be the perfect wife"...."ignore him and concentrate on yourself"...."be extra sexy"....I've tried them all and nothing works. At the end of the day I just lay crying. Did I die and go to hell, because it sure seems like it.

It will be a while before he realises it it not all about youthful looks. Then it will be too late. This sounds like a classic case of familiarity breeding contempt. You've done your job, he feels time is running out on him and he has a finite chance of grabbing the nettle again.<br />
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We are all living a great deal longer now and here in the UK apparently divorce rates in the over 60's are up because of it. We don't make do any more because we know we probably have so many more years to come.<br />
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The ball appears to be in your court. Do you want to let him carry on treating you this way in the hope he will see there is more to a relationship and the history you have together, or do you want to bit the bullet and make your own way in life? Whichever way you choose, it will not be easy, but only you know which is the right one for you. <br />
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One thing to bear in mind is that you are obviously erudite enough to state your story, and have a personality that prevents you from throwing in the towel; many men would find this an attractive thing in itself. You have so much to offer and this is worthy of consideration.