A Good Loving Sexless Marriage.

We are constantly bombarded by advertisement about sexual enhancement aids.  Its a wonder that a marriage can survive if we do not do something about this part of it.  This is a important part of marriages but so is many other thing.  If you are married long enough all parts of a marriage can go missing.  The outcome of this missing part of your marriage is how you choose to handle it.
 
My husband and I have been married 36 years and we are both in our middle fifties.  We are in average physical shape and are both about 25 lb over weight.  After two unsuccessful attempts we have not had sex for 3 years.  At first we were scrambling to find answers.  Physicals, pills, etc.  My husband and I have always had very good communication and have had many conversations about this.  One conclusion was that he was the one having problems maintaining a erection.  Even with pills it just did not happen.  He really questioned his part in our marriage.  This was the man I loved and would fight any one who would hurt him.  So I decided that this part of our marriage was hurting him mentally and would not be a party too it.  We have continued to talk about it occasionally to make sure we are in agreement.  He knows I have a want of sex, but with the extra affection we have strive for I can find a alternative satisfaction in that.  I have found a new level of self-satisfaction in personal stimulation.  I feel that if we continue to be open and communicated our marriage will survive.  This might not be a good solution to every marriage but my reasoning is if we lost a another part of our marriage etc (health, financial security)  I would not want it to end our relationship.
cccspanda cccspanda
51-55, F
12 Responses Aug 10, 2010

I am in a similar position myself, of suffering from ED that meds do little if anything to help. I have found a vacuum pump to be of some help, but am now considering a penile implant. Though my wife is very supportive, just as you are, *I* am not content with idea of having no sex life.<br />
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I realize that the idea of surgery on that part of a man's body can be quite intimidating, but if he still desires to fulfill your needs himself, you might want to bring up this alternative.

do something u 2 have never done sexually<br />
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after giving up on my marriage and going on <br />
i realise that i could of tried alot harder to spark up the sex.

With an attitude like yours, you are beautiful at many levels.<br />
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With communication skills like yours, any 'problems' you 2 hit are going to be "bettered" as far as they can be.<br />
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Your story is inspirational. Thank you for this perspective on this issue.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Oh I think she belongs here, that is my point. I don't mean to say you aren't welcome here - like you need permission. LOL<br />
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Just trying to point a few things out - you are here because things aren't as hunky dory as you say. Yes you have a loving relationship which many many of us do. I am still in love with my wife and I know she loves me, but there are more aspects to a happy life.<br />
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But to me, your original post contains some denial and is a little preachy even if that was not your intent. As for the pain you feel that you fail to mention, I do whole heartily empathize with you.

I never got a straightforward answer... :(<br />
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Year 3 was a breeze. Year 5 was a little harder. Year 9, I left. Self-service became lost to me. All I did was cry. I couldn't stand the emptiness and loneliness. I hope you can live with your compromise as well a few years hence.<br />
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Princess Yearoneofthenewera

The reason I posted my comment was not to preach but to see if my ideas of a sexless marriage is shared by any one else. I do not think that I have the answers to any thing except my own situation. In the perfect world me and my husband would be sexually active, But I know this life we lead is far from what is advertised. I do not have anyone (outside of my husband) to have a informed discussion with and heard this was the site to do it.

So the moral of this story is that one of the only ways to truely fix the situation is for the refused to give up trying to make it work with the partner. If you can come to another solution that can keep you in the marriage and keep you content - great. ************ being the solution here. For others it is an open marriage or affairs.<br />
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Still the same old same old.<br />
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Now here is a question: So it is mental - so what if that just means he just isn't into you anymore sexually. What if the reality is that he takes care of himself by fantisizing about others and what he tells you is just to keep you from bothering him. Does the situation still work for you?<br />
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What most of this comes down to is being in love with someone and feeling they are in love with you. For you, you still feel he is in love with you. I think if I felt that too I might choose your path also. Oh and I don't mean they love you, I mean they are in love with you - make sure you know the difference.<br />
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Also I wonder if you have it so good and everything is fine, then what brings you here? Is it just to enlighten those of us that are so shallow that we would throw away a 20 year marriage just over sex and ignore the love that is there? - That is meant to be sarcastic in case you can't tell.<br />
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Anyways - good for you. You don't need this site. Maybe you should start a "I am living in a Sexless Marriage and am very fine with the situation because my spouse is in love with me and I am in love with my spouse and that is all that matters and I am better than everyone else for being able to live this way without ruining my marriage because marriage is forever and most people just give up too easily over little things like sex when all they need to do is **********"<br />
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Is the title too long?

Am I correct in ascertaining that he provides no sexual stimulation for you and that's okay with you because you love him and can "take care of yourself"?<br />
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Princess Tryingtogetthewholestorystraight

Thank you for all of your great imformative comments. One clarification. My husbands problem is not medical. Through doctors and counselors we have reach the conclusion that it is mental. I think that a mental problem is just a debilitating as physical. I feel that my husband has tried as many solutions as he can mentally handle. I feel that there comes a point when what is important to a marriage changes to preserve each parties sanity. One thing that is special to our relationship is that we were childhood sweethearts. My way of handling thing are not for everyone, I feel that most of you are a lot younger that me. I would not want you to feel that you missed out of something that is very important.. I still feel I am still a attractive viable woman and my husband helps make me feel that way with words through our continuing communication.

My wife refused to have sex three years into our marriage. <br />
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This lady has been married longer than some of us have been alive before her sex dropped off. Gee. That must suck.

I feel for you because that is the situation I here the most often. I feel the worse time in a marriage is when you can not communicate the truth. Good luck to you.

I cheer your ability to talk about it and come to a common understanding. With most of us we can't have a constructive conversation that will have meaningful and long lasting results. No matter how many times I've brought it up, explained how it makes me feel, then she commits to corrective action/efforts... it falls flat. If there were a physical problem then I think that gives a person a sort of closure or a point of focus for both parties to "understand".<br />
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In my situation there is no physical issue. It's purely an issue of one member of the part not feeling it's important enough to act upon.<br />
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Her ability to have sex, be sexual, and really enjoy sex have all been eliminated and proven to not be an issue. Refusal is still her MO.