Email Exchange

The following is an emaile exchange that is an attempt on my part to address the sexlessness and distance between myself and my wife. Your responses are welcomed:


"Are you able to share anything with me.

What is going on with you…how you are feeling about the distance,,,the disconnect,,etc.?

Is this really how you want to exist ?

Any and all thoughts are hugely welcomed."


" I am doing my best to just be happy and get along and be nice. This stuff is beyond my comprehension. I have theories, you have theories, but the botttom line is I have no answers....We left it last that : "it is what it is".... no more analyzing..

If something changes , it will have to be becasue we somehow evolve into something...but I am not going to start opening up cans of worms like : ' Angela, YOU have issues".... or " you don't know what you have...." all those wondering things that blame me...etc.....

So thats where I stand... ....yes I feel we can go on like this..I can sacrafice a lot of things for our wonderful children... And I like how we are getting along right now. You're not giving me any looks or attitude. We're just having fun and being nice.... it feels pretty good:)

ok bye for now... see you later :) "

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12 Responses Aug 10, 2010

:-( She makes me so sad,,, neither of you are happy.... Really, the kids KNOW! Again being a teacher I see this all the time. You two should be happy & if apart is better then so be it, and in turn, it will make you children happier. Divorce is hard and scary and as a girl it is hard to be alone, but that seems like why she is hanging on. You both need to be strong and do what is right for YOU (both).

This sounds so totally familiar .

Why continue to 'communicate' via text and email? I don't want to sound harsh but the whole process f talking via text/email seems distant, lacking connection, depth, intimacy, and well .. real effort at truth. Personal is personal and requires face to face communication .. pauses, tension, and all of it. Text/Email has the form of being considerate and cordial and the impression of bring up issues but underlying it .. it is distant and impersonal. If you want to make progress to move forward for the marriage or yourself, I think you need to talk in person or write a letter and schedule time to discuss it. Try to break out of the pattern of talking about big things via email or text, find another way. Good luck!

Have you tried counseling yet? At least she seems somewhat happy now? Why not make it better?

If this email exchange is taking place over some distance, might be best to keep that distance.<br />
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This has surely got to the point where co-parenting is the primary issue. The two parents as individuals need to move on with their individual lives.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Yup Backagain, you're living a joyless co-habitation with her and I fear your kids are learning that this type of relationship is "normal". I can relate to what choccie said about finding someone outside the relationship. When I had a couple of flings a while ago it confirmed to me that women DO like sex. It also showed me how much fun sex can be and this was the beginning of the end for my marriage. I feel I must point out that I am only 2 months into "singlehood", but already I am a MUCH happier person.

You're room mates aren't you? Okay, if you can live with it - but honestly, do you think you can? Maybe the way forward is to find someone outside the marriage, but that usually makes you realise what you've been missing even more, and brings things to a conclusion in a way. <br />
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TB - can I borrow your plank - I feel in need at times x

I can relate no intimacy for 10 years. I stay feel sorry for spouse's health, but not even<br />
sure I love anymore. Really has done a number on self esteem.

She is telling you that she is happy enough with the situation as it stands and sees no reason to delve into it any further. She's a lot like my husband, she just wants the two of you to be nice to each other and enjoy raising the kids together. Like she says, she's willing to sacrifice a lot for her me that means she is willing to live in a loveless, sexless marriage if that means a stable home for the kids. She doesn't want to analyze or try to change anything. I am at the same point with my husband.<br />
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At some point you, backagain, have to decide to accept the situation for what it is. Acceptance is your starting point...accept that your relationship with your wife will not improve in the way that you want and that to keep addressing this point is a waste of time and energy on your part. Now that you have accepted that very important piece you need to make some decisions about how you are prepared to live YOUR life. <br />
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You can stay and be buddies with your wife, stiffle your attitude and dirty looks (shame on you!), and raise your kids together as partners. Your sexlife will have to be discreetly found outside your marriage.<br />
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You can decide that this is not going to work for you and move toward a divorce.<br />
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Those are the factors you can control. She has closed the door on you as a lover and that you have no control over at this point.<br />
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I am telling you this because it is something I have been telling myself as well. It's hard to accept that things will not be the way you want them to be with your spouse. But if you can do that, you give yourself the ability to move forward.

You know I think I would be happier if I quit my job and stayed home and played video games or whatever I wanted (not really video games, just making a point).<br />
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Of course she may have to learn to now live without much if any money - would that be a problem as long as I am content?

"but I am not going to start opening up cans of worms..." <br />
Does this imply there is a can of worms to be opened?

"...I like how we are getting along right now. "<br />
Oh, my, when I told my ex I wanted to separate, one of his few responses was "But I thought things were going better". I mean really, we hadn't had sex or much other physical contact in 12 years. They are oblivious, just totally oblivious.