Always There....

She is always there, for all of us, the children, me, the rest of the family, in all ways.

Always! Without fail, In sickness and in health, day and night.

For the children she supports, teaches, gives time, cooks, cleans, organises, shops, taxi's, nurtures, soothes, helps, educates.....
For the house she keeps clean, washes, manages, organises, purchases, decorates....
For the family she supports, entertains (the perfect host), assists, taxi's, buys for, supports.....
For the school she raises money, donates, helps, gives time, organises......
For friends she advises, helps, supports, listens....

For me, for ME, she does many things, she does all of the above. So I don't need to do them.
She gives me time, her time. She gives a lot of her time.
She gives me her time to me so I can acquire wealth, support, earn so I can facilitate our lives to live as we desire.

How kind
How dutiful
How controlling...

For her she.... ...does nothing?
Yes, she does nothing!

She is trapped on her own roundabout.
She does not know how to get off. Even for a moment, for a break.
Around and around she goes, in front of me.

She has no interests outside of 'family'. None.

Duty! It is who she is.
She hurled herself into parenting, as an avoidance of the real world in some way. She has forgotten parenting is a part of life, not life itself.
I am still a husband, provider and a person to do the heavy chores but she has forgotten me, as a man, as her man.

I used to be on the roundabout too, with her, but now I can jump on and off as I please, as required when duty calls.

The roundabout has a wall around it, she can't see over it, she cant see life!
It passes her by.
Sometimes she glimpses it through cracks in the wall, whizzing past, she must think sometimes, I wish...

"This is the real world" she said one day, this is reality.
She said, and this is not a word of a lie "Life is one big chore and you just get on with it, if you are lucky there are one or two happy moments in it"

That's just wrong... To me. You do your chores and when they are finished get on with living!

She is bitter with her lot, her life of service.
But she makes no moves to change it.
There are excuses, yes, children need... Family require... if I don't do it then...

I say - If she does not do it then... I will. And she can do something she enjoys.

You could think by reading this I am ungrateful, uncaring, don't understand.

I would have loved to have helped! I still do. I want to take the burden, be included.

BUT - all metaphors aside and a step from rhetoric to reality here...

Another extract from some psychology article or another, me and my bloody extracts!

I can not be included because:

***************
...but significant control issues are harmful to a relationship. Here are ten reasons you need to be concerned if you have unresolved control problems in your marriage:

1. Control issues set up a parent-child relationship or dictatorship in the marriage. This shows a lack of trust and respect for the partner's feelings, preferences, and judgment.

2. Relationships based on "one-up-man-ship" are constructed on the "winner-loser" model. This isn't what you want to have in a healthy relationship. You want to create a "win-win" model.

3. The "winner" of the control struggle is viewed as "strong," while the "loser" is viewed as "weak." This dynamic isn't helpful to your relationship. It tears down your feeling of closeness and intimacy instead of building it up.

4. By stifling individuality and freedom, you run the risk of smothering and stifling the very things that you value most--your spouse and your marriage. When one person makes the majority of the decisions, new ideas and honest feelings and reactions are suppressed.

5. Control issues contribute to increasing the anger, resentment, and bitterness in the relationship. This is the natural spin-off of feeling disrespected or controlled by someone else.

6. Thinking your mate should be just like you harms your relationship, as does viewing your mate as an extension of yourself. This squelches individuality and freedom and keeps your mate from living up to his or her potential.

7. Passive partners often become passive-aggressive when they are in a relationship with a more controlling partner. This gets in the way of honest, direct communication. They "forget" to keep a promise to the spouse or conveniently sabotage the spouse's efforts in some way.

8. An overly-controlling spouse sets up dynamics in the relationship that encourages the more passive partner to sneak around and hide things rather than risk confrontation. For example, a passive spouse may secretly phone a friend who she (or he) knows the partner doesn't want her to have any contact with.

9. Control conflict in a marriage encourages the game of "catch me if you can." In this game, the passive partner tries to defy or get around the controller's rules. This can become a game of sorts within the relationship.

10. Unexpressed anger and resentment accumulate, and eventually the passive mate may rebel and decide there's nothing to lose by becoming defiant or ending the marriage. This brings out the controlling tendency of the spouse even more, and his (or her) efforts to control the "rebellion" make things worse. Any vestige of being on the same "team" is now gone, and the partners can feel like adversaries.

Trying to control your mate--actions, thoughts, feelings--will always boomerang eventually and will have a harmful effect on your relationship."

*******************

So I have moved on to somewhere else in my mind, in my life, and she will not join me.

I asked her to come and she can't stop controlling. She refuses therapy, to take stock, to look in. To admit she has issues.

For all her good qualities she can not see some simple truths that would enrich her life so much. She could be so free! Feel so much better! She can not see point 10 so is unaware I have long passed this place, she does not even know these points exist. You need to look inwards first. But around and around she goes.

I am now being excluded to a point I may as well not be here, and she in a misguided way probably thinks that I should not be here too. I can see the disappointment in her face due to my inaction, but the anger and reprimands and comments and motherly chastisements make it not worth my while when I 'Think for myself', when I engage.

Learn to communicate! I hear people shout. I did, I do, but one gets to a point where it's just not worth it any more. I asked her to come to therapy with me, she refused. One can look from the outside and say, why not talk about a,b,c, but people saying this have experience of talking to people with a balanced view, people who are open. Try talking to someone with something broken inside, but not so broken you know what it is exactly, try this for a decade or more, then come back and tell me to communicate. When I chuckle to myself and say 'it's not as simple as that' in a way a father says to a child you will understand. Unless you are in it, you can't see it.

With me gone there will be one less child in the house to take care of, I can hear the words being spoken to her friends in the future...

Again it highlights with brutal clarity - One can not change their partner, it must come from within them.

One thing I see, and with some certainty, is that in most stories here with exceptions being ones with health issues, is that sexless marriages are the tip of the iceberg. Something in our partners is not in balance, and it is too elusive for them to find and fix.

Maybe a better name for this group would be 'Our marriage is doomed and is sexless as a symptom'.



Again, this is my story, not yours. If yours is similar it may help, if not then good luck with your search for answers.
Endthegame Endthegame
41-45, M
8 Responses Aug 11, 2010

"So I have moved on to somewhere else in my mind, in my life, and she will not join me."<br />
<br />
I so know what you mean!

Thanks for trying JustMe2118. I have tried this, many many times.<br />
You are thinking like a rational person with balance, and she wont be pulled off the roundabout, and repairs her own wall when I pull it down. She refused to come to therapy, she refuses to talk about the things that hurt, the truth. She refuses help from all...<br />
In a sane world it is so simple, but that is not the place she dwells it seems.

or, you could do the "chores" before she has a chance. What will she do if the duties are already taken care of? Sometimes, I feel a lot like the woman you are describing. If you love her, make a hole in that god damned wall and pull her off. She most likely feels that you don't love her, and the chores both keep her sane and drive her insane. They keep her sane because she doesn't have the space to feel miserably alone, and insane because she never has space to feel loved as a woman.

This was me, my marriage and my life. No more.<br />
Once you decide to take back your life, you have to just keep on going. Don't stop to look in the rear <br />
view mirror.<br />
<br />
Great, wise and insightful post.<br />
<br />
Thank you.

Tahoebaby - More psychobabble I found - Just for you...<br />
<br />
A man who is at peace with himself and others will have no need to control anyone but himself. Why any of us needs to control another is beyond me, until I examine the motivating factor behind control. It's usually<br />
fear. The man won't let his wife go to a party alone because he fears the men who might be there. A woman doesn't want her boyfriend to hang out with his old buddies because she knows all they do is pick up women.<br />
<br />
In relationships, there is a lot of fear at times. Because people want to protect and preserve what they have, sometimes they are motivated by fear. This fear leads to possession, not love. It makes demands, not requests. It causes drama, not peace. Where's the trust? One might ask. Trust is a very interesting thing. The problem with it is that experience may have taught us that people can't be trusted, especially in relationships. Your past relationships influence your present and future ones. Even if you try not to, you still subconciously judge your current girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse by the last relationship you were in. You find it hard to trust and hence, fear surfaces. <br />
<br />
Fear leads to control and passive/aggressive behavior. It leads to the inability to reason. Yet, we may all have insecurities and fears we hope to manage and get over. The best way to do this is to shoot yourself and your lover...I mean, to be honest with your partner and express the fears as they surface. Don't turn to control...turn to truth...express the fear and the rejection you feel. If you happen to be with a loving and kind person, hopefully they will understand. If you happen to be with a fearful person, help them, don't reject them further. <br />
<br />
Pride is often a guise for fear. The prideful person will never admit he is insecure. Instead, he will play power games, turning everything in his direction, yet making everyone else out to be the bad guys. Unless you can assure such a person, a relationship with him is impossible. Sure, you can have a codependent relationship with such a person, but there will never be in depth love, only possession and fear.

Maninfull, I just read your story and there are many similarities, from unwillingness to experiment to outright refusal. There is a pattern it seems. Also my wife has events from the past that she knows impact on her, but she refuses to seek help and re live them, so stays trapped in her psychological hell. It is buried deep, but obviously has had an impact in shaping her internal thought processes.<br />
The trouble is their reasons seem to be tied up with them only being able to 'give' in order to validate something to themselves, or validate their egos, their purpose, life.<br />
They loose sight of the balance between taking time out for themselves and serving others. The joy of giving for givings sake becomes a chore and a burdon. They can not give to us, and can not accept sex for what it is, fun, enjoyable, bonding etc.<br />
The problems you, I and many others here have, is they are at heart 'Good' giving people. That is what makes it so hard for us to leave.<br />
<br />
But there comes a point when you jsut cant take it any more.....<br />
<br />
I wish you luck.

I had clarity some time ago. In all honesty I think I post to try to educate others now, selfishly, as it somehow makes me feel better, but I am not sure the reason why it does.<br />
That aside, I am planning now, planning to go on my terms.<br />
Her control problems will be ended for her with my departure, the irony.<br />
The information on the article is correct, as is the prediction by the therapist, as is my gut instinct and that feeling that has been there for years.

I am very moved by your post.<br />
<br />
You yearn for this person to be able to smell the roses. But you know she can only see the weeds. You are sad at the wasted potential in her, and as a result, in you both as a couple.<br />
<br />
It appears though, that resentment is fading, and the reality of the situation is being accepted by you. The reality - or truth - of the situation is sad. But it is the truth. The harsh, unadorned facts.<br />
<br />
It can be like watching a car smash from a distance. You can see it's about to happen, but you can do nothing about it. Like her thought processes. They are hers, not yours, and only she can change them.<br />
<br />
And, for what it is worth, I also believe that the sexlessness is a symptom of a deeper underlying malaise (pre-suppossing there is not a physical or mental issue in play).<br />
<br />
It seems you have had a moment of clarity.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.