Sexless Marriage - This Is Really Hard

I'll start this simple, perhaps someone will comment.  12 years married, very happy at first, less than 3 years in, she has an affair, then the sex stops almost completely.  The affair ends, but the sex does not commence.  After much begging and pleading, she gives in although I know she does not want to.....many years go by and only a few times per year, then all of a sudden she says, "I want to have a super great sex life", so I'm like, "heck yes, lets do this thing"....that was two months ago...I'll spare you the lack of detail.  It really has crushed my esteem, and I am by no means a slob, jerk, looser, etc., etc.  not to brag, this does not make any sense to me.  Help
manilikefish manilikefish
11 Responses Aug 11, 2010

u seem to love her..and i know the feeling of rejection so i suggest that u dont approach her again ..look smart from the outside and try to hang out with FEMALE FRIENDS or maybe an escort ( u can afford it ) ..make her feel JEALOUS and make her notice that u r not all over her any more ....women are like this ..the more u come close ,,, the more they pull back play the game ur way ...IGNORE HER..

Hi, I too live in a sexless in marriage. My husband blames me for a lot of things that I have not done. It was also partially his falt but doesn't take the responsibility. He had a 5 bypass surgerty on Oct. 30, 2008 and because of complications during surgery, he is partially blind and is on a fixed income. I was working but got laid off in July. He mistreats me verbally. He has called me a *****, and acused me of having a boyfriend. I didn't at the time but am planning on leaving him when I get a place of my own. I am tired of it. He just sits around all day and says he can see some things on tv. I think he is just using me. Anyway, his kids don't treat me very well either. They ignor me.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds really hard. I guess the really hard questions you have to ask yourself are: What would make me happy? What would make her happy? Why aren't we willing to make each other happy? Do I deserve a happy marriage? (the answer to this one is yes) Do I think I'm worthy of one? If not, why not? Do I know how to have a happy relationship or do I need coaching and support of my self esteem? <br />
I haven't attended marital counseling but I have had counseling from licensed social workers just to help me deal with difficult relationships with family and co-workers. A good counselor will make you feel more confident and help you recognize your feelings of hurt and pain but not try to make you feel guilt or shame.

You would get more help reading and spilling your guts here in this group. We will help you much better and faster and CHEAPER than any counsellor could do in your entire lifetime. Furthremore, you get the comfort of knowing that we actually care and we know how you feel. <br />
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However, if you do try counselling, I recommend that you cut to the chase and start the session by turning to your mate and asking: " Do you love me? Will you make love to me regularly? " Insist that those are yes or no questions. Regardless of what the counsellor says, you should insist that "working on the relationship" requires sex too. Do not feel compelled to be the only one responsible to change. If the counsellor tries to defend your wife's refusal while you " work on " other more pressing issues, tell the counsellor to **** off. Seriously. Tell the counsellor that he is poisoning your marriage and he should be ashamed of himself. I would even consider refusing to pay the bill.

I would agree that I bring her an abundance comfort and stability, not to mention that she does not have to work because I make about 8x the standard wage of most folks, she does a good job with our kids for which I am very grateful. I do not want to leave my kids or divorce. Has anyone tried councling?

I couldn't agree more with the posters above. Enough is enough.

You've waited for her for 9 years and forgiven an affair. How much more of your life are you gonna give up?

Well, you gave her a second chance after the affair - she's not exactly risen to the occasion and made your life a bed of roses. Get out, give yourself a chance - you sound such a nice guy - just don't fall for a ***** again!

You found yourself a complete loser for a wife. Sorry. She has been a huge loser since about '3 years in' (to quote you). I wholeheartedly agree with AC on this - she should not be trusted. That may be your problem. You're too trusting. Give yourself a break and a shot of reality. You've been led around by the short-hairs a little too willingly for a long time. Dump her *** as fast you can afford to. What makes you think she actually has stopped doing the nasty outside of the marriage? This sounds (and yes - from limited info) like she is the poster child for a repeat offender.<br />
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Remember, you are a nice guy (by your definition). And you need to have a nice girl. Nice guys DO finish last - after the nice girl finishes. Give up the dead weight and go find a nice one.

You "know" that the situation is not fulfilling you.<br />
From your post you also "know" that -<br />
she has been unfaithful<br />
she has with held sex from the relationship<br />
she has promised to reintroduce sex to the relationship, a better brand even - but done zip<br />
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From these seemingly disparate facts, one might conclude that a "super great sex life" could in fact be being enjoyed by someone. But you are not the person sharing in it.<br />
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Tread your own path

If you have no kids, I would recommend that you pack your bags and split. If you do have kids, well, you have trouble and need help. Tell her that you two must have sex every other day minimum ( or whatever ) or you will leave. However, start making plans to leave before you deliver the ultimatum. <br />
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People who get married and use sex as a weapon are not people to be trusted with anything. They are like wild animals -- treat them nicely but walk slowly away and always be ready to strike a mortal blow.<br />
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By the way, I like your moniker.