Not Man Enough To Leave....

I decided to join this forum do to the stories I have read so far. It's hard to find someone in my life that is non bias and can offer clear advice and conversation.

I am currently in the 5th year of my marriage to my high school sweet heart. I love her very much and would do anything in the world to make sure she is never hurt by anything or anyone. We are very close friends and have a stable relationship besides this one thing.

I have tried everything I can think of to be the best husband I can be. We have talked about this problem for years and it is always dismissed. Now she wants to have a child with me and I know that is not a good idea right now.

I can't leave her. I would rather live with this misery than see her hurt. But I know that the consequences in the future will be huge.

I don't want to look outside my marriage for this missing piece. I am faced with opportunities and frequent advances but that would just make me sick.

Just not man enough to leave I guess.
Hurley29 Hurley29
31-35, M
26 Responses Aug 11, 2010

Hurley, I think you are on target. All human behaviour occurs on a spectrum. . . think of just about any activity etc. and you will find people participating at every point on the spectrum. . . . <br />
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For example: sport. Some people are exceptionally keen on sport - they play sport every day. They may be professional sports people. If so, they train for hours every day. Some people are so disinterested in sport that, if a sporting event comes on TV, they change the channel. And most people fall on the spectrum somewhere between these two extremes.<br />
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Your wife, like many of our spouses IMO, is someone whose libido is low to non-existent. And (sadly for you!) you are one of the "sex people" (as we call ourselves here on ILIASM).<br />
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Neither of you is "wrong" or "bad" - you are simply mismatched in terms of your sex drives. And when you are in a marriage, this spells disaster unfortunately.<br />
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It is time to accept that you and she can never find common ground and that you will BOTH be happier out of this relationsghip. Sure it will hurt each of you for a while, but ultimately you will both be happier people. You only get ONE life - choose to live it to the full.

Dido GaDad.<br />
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Look. I know that it is hard to give advise about issues like this when you don't know if you have the full story or you think that maybe there is a chance that the truth is being stretched. All you have to go on is what you are given. She is not a lesbian at heart. Hell, if she was, this might actually be easier. <br />
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But trust me, that is not the case. My sex drive, passion and longing for a likewise relationship is mine. I thought about something last night: If this is who she is and she just does not like sex as much as I, who the hell am I to try and change her. To me, it seems, going to counseling and trying to "fix" the problem may in fact be attempting to change who a person is. This, in my opinion, is the greatest injustice of them all. I would not want to be told that I have to change and learn to accept that I will have a mediocre sex life for the rest of my days. So...I would never want to change the person that she is. This, all assuming, that there is not an issue with the way that i live my life with her. So lets address that:<br />
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I have asked her on many occasions, "what am I doing wrong? Is there something I need to change?"<br />
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The answer never comes out clearly. So either she just does not have a drive or she will not come clean. Either way, to make her change her position is to make her change who she IS. I am not in the business of convincing anyone to change their programing. I have no desire to reconnect anyone's mental wires. I see it as a chosen way of life and who am I to reconnect the dots because I am not happy when I KNOW that there plenty of women out there that do not need "repair" and see me the same. <br />
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Can I get an Amen.....or am I way off base here?

Zorua, <br />
If you get married, you had better tell your fiance what you wrote in this thread or you had better put on a convincing act every single night until death does you part.

Mine dropped off during my early 20s. My guy friends constantly talk about how important sex is and how often to have it. Maybe it's because mines just practically dead it doesn't really matter for me.

I'll never understand guy's obsession with sex. I have naturally little to no sex drive and the same goes for my wife. You don't have to be boning each other to love each other. I can safety say I adore her very much. A girl's sex drive drops off considerably after a certain age.; <br />
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And yeah no kids, I'm definitely not having any and I'm female.

I, for one have never been married and reading this story scares me to death about getting married. I think you wife does love you but is very insecure about you. If what you say is true and you are a cliche of a "man's man" she knows that you are very attractive to other women and I'm quite sure they let their intentions be known probably in front of her. I hope that you are not encouraging their intentions and it seems that you do not. She may not trust that you will stay faithful with so many women around. That is no reason not to have a sexless marriage barring medical situations so early in the marriage. Now, she wants a baby, okay. If you have children she will definitely use the child or children as a wedge between you two. If you think you're not having sex now she really won't have sex with you then. I think you need to have a real heart to heart talk with her, communicate your feelings and expectations, give her every oppurtunity to change couse. If she doesn't, your choice is clear, you gotta leave her. I know it will be difficult you're probably a "nice guy" and don't want to look like a jerk for expressing your manly needs but life is too short to be unhappy, miserable, and sexless.

Come on guy. Some women are not interested in sex, period. It might be you that she is not interested in having sex with or maybe she just is struggling with a sexual identity issue. She might be more interested in other women. I have known married women that just where not turned on by men but afraid to explore things with other women. I don't know the why all I know is she is just not into you sexually. She also might just want babies from you so she can be with another woman after she has the baby and dumps you.<br />
There are a lot of women out there that are looking for men so give it up and move on. It will hurt for a long time but you will get over it and find someone new, trust me!<br />
If I was your sister I would be telling you the same thing. My brother was involved with this little ***** that got pregnant, they married and of course divorced and he hardly gets to see his son. She is living off his child support and working on another baby with another sucker and staying home. <br />
You love her more than she loves you, if she loves you.

Thank you. My Dad says to us kids often, "If it's hard to hear, then shut the f@#K up and listen."<br />
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I appreciate everyone taking the time to offer this kind of brutal honesty. It is hard to hear however, you will never see my face or listen to my teeth grind while I read these comments. I guess perfect strangers with a common issues offer the best advice. <br />
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Thanks again. I think I am going to stick with this group. Lot of good stuff. I find more bravery with every comment posted. Keep it coming. <br />
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Thanks again for the time.

why dont you just talk to her about how you feel

Don't have a kid with someone you have so many doubts about. That is a VERY BAD idea! Either seek counseling and/or end the marriage. No one can help you except you. You have to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. There are a lot of details missing from your story to know exactly what is going on, which is certainly understandable. But it's hard to offer good sound advice without knowing what is happening. I will say I was in a sexless marriage for 5 years. We never consummated our marriage. I ended it last fall and am still dealing with the after effects of that. It is not an easy road to take, but it may be a healthier option in the long run. Feel free to read my stories for more details or send me a message if you have questions/comments. Good luck!

She is like the "ring" in the lord of the rings. Desirable, addictive - but slowly eating you alive from the inside. Agree to be best friends - and go marry someone who actually likes to fuvk you. Stop worrying about hurting her - she will find someone else. And hey who knows maybe she will luck out and marry one of the male refusers on this board and they can ignore each other sexually until hell freezes over.

I am so sad that you have to go through this. They have so many of us neglected women out there so its hard to see a man who is more than willing to do everything to make it work get shut down. I would like to tell you it would get better but if I know women I am pretty sure she has detatched herself from you sexually and it wont get better.

What you have is a friend, buddy, compatible room mate, potential co-parent (but do NOT have kids with her). You do not have a truly loving spouse. But you're figuring that out. <br />
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There will be someone better out there for both of you.

I have never joined a forum of any kind. hell, i do not even have a Facebook page. I was not expecting this caliber of support. For that, I am truly grateful.<br />
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I would like to share a little bit about me with you in return for your time and words. <br />
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I am a Texan, born and raised. I fish, I hunt, I grew up raising cattle and farming rice, I drive a huge truck, I have a huge dog that goes everywhere I go, I am 31, I have been in bands since the age of 13 playing in bars all over South TX. In all appearances, I am a cliche of what a "strong" man might be. I have always taken comfort in my self esteem. I am an attractive, hard working man that has temptation everywhere I go. Even when I am with my wife. If we are at a bar, God help her if I walk to the bar alone, wedding ring or not, I get hit on. <br />
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I say all of that to share that this one thing, this....surgical separation from my companion is bringing me to my knees. I have never felt so weak and paralyzed in my life. I was not cut out for heart break or hurting others. <br />
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It sounds arrogant, but I honestly feel that there are a lot of women that would appreciate and love the man I am.....But I don't want a lot of women, I want her.

It will never get easier to leave behind the life you thought you would have. Giving up your dream is earth shattering. But relationships can't survive the vast inequality of one person not caring enough about the other to act when they know their partner is suffering. <br />
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Others have said that having a child is not a good idea, but I think there is more to consider. If you hate to see your wife suffer, how long will it be before she convinces you to try? A lot of people here have kids that they knew were not a good idea and though they love their child, the child is also what keeps them in their unhappy marriage.

It's not that she doesn't 'Love" you, it's that she isn't in love with you any more. She is now settled in so to speak and sees you as more of a "partner and a friend". You will make a good father to her child or children, but the passion, love, and fun are done my friend.<br />
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Think long and hard about your life. If it's this bad 5 years in, imagine what it will be like 25 years in. It's great to be married to your best friend, but you also want to be married to your lover. You can have both, just not with her.

Who said you can't still be friends? You're not killing anything but your sexlessness.<br />
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You're starting to sound like an enabler (like most of us, unfortunately).

I need to hear these things. it's good for me. All good advice and everyone is saying the exact same thing. <br />
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God! I really would miss her sooooo bad. I can't imagine not seeing her everyday and going to bed with her every night. All of our inside jokes, nicknames, memories......<br />
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It really is like putting a bullet in the head of a friend.

Further to the sad and depleted, not man enough to leave problem, we know how you feel. <br />
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I was there. I was not man enough to leave. I honestly was planning to stay for the kids except that my wife was upping her nuttiness, I told her to control her crazy spending and then she said that she was planning to leave. It was easier for me to accept divorce because I had no choice. <br />
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Do not waste any more of your precious life waiting for your wife to leave you. You will go mad in the process and furthermore, you will still not get loving!

It has gotten to the point that, after all of the discussions and reg flags that I have thrown over the years, even if it did improve.....I don't know that it would matter to me. I think I just need out. <br />
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But, I gave this posting a title and I believe it to be true. I want to find the strength to pull the trigger.

It has gotten to the point that, after all of the discussions and reg flags that I have thrown over the years, even if it did improve.....I don't know that it would matter to me. I think I just need out. <br />
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But, I gave this posting a title and I believe it to be true. I want to find the strength to pull the trigger.

Listen to all the prior posters & your own gut, NO KIDS! Not Now. Should things improve for a year or two, you are still young enough.

Do NOT give in to have kids. I became very angry at my wife during the pregnancies of my 2 beautiful girls - not because of them, but because she wanted kids and I thought that was a very good way to jump-start our sex lives again. We had sex 3 times before getting pregnant with 1 and 2 times before getting pregnant with the other. I was pissed… mainly because sex stopped immediately after we found out she was pregnant with both of them. She thought I would hate our baby once it was born because she could see how mad I was, but never ever understood I was furious with her for false promises of a better sex life and intimacy and NOT the baby.<br />
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Sometimes it's just amazing how blind our refusers can be for as intelligent as they are.<br />
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Do NOT take anything less than a year of good sex/intimacy BEFORE having any children with this woman. She needs to commit before you commit. It's only fair.

Thanks for the welcome AC. I am drinking more than I should right now do to this and f@$king hate it. <br />
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The concept of this not being a way to live and that I don't have to is new to me. Hard to get used to the idea that I might divorce my wife over sex. Sounds so damn shallow. <br />
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"Your wife does not love you"...this comment shakes me to my core. It reminds me of the moment that NEO was told his world was a computer program. This feels so real that your suggestion seems utterly impossible. But I know that anything is possible.

You can't "do anything in the world to make sure she is never hurt by anything or anyone". That's what you try and do - as far as you can - with your children<br />
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In an adult relationship it is very different. You take on the world TOGETHER. You nurture EACH OTHER. You watch her fly and rejoice in it. She watches you soar and rejoices in it. You bring back to the partnership your individual successes and rejoice in them. You pick each other up when the soaring ain't gone so well. You care for EACH OTHER. There is PASSION. There is ENGAGEMENT, including sex.<br />
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Your description of a stable relationship doesn't sound much like this to me.<br />
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Pleeeease. Don't bring a kid into this, as it seems that, as the marriage was based on high school sweethearts that the 5 years that have elapsed has just been the same year done 5 times. If that continues, it's heading into the ditch.<br />
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Tread your own path

I know the feeling. <br />
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You are right: DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!! <br />
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However, you have to learn one hard lesson: your wife DOES NOT love you. I know, it is a hard pill to swallow but trust me, you had better start looking at things that way or you will go insane --- insane like your wife. <br />
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Just be grateful of a few things: her refusal has not killed you yet and between the two of you, you are the one who knows the sexlessness is crazy and wrong.<br />
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Sorry to have to welcome you to our sorry club.