More Email Exchange, A Continuation...........

The following is an emaile exchange that is an attempt on my part to address the sexlessness and distance between myself and my wife. Your responses are welcomed:


"Are you able to share anything with me.

What is going on with you…how you are feeling about the distance,,,the disconnect,,etc.?

Is this really how you want to exist ?

Any and all thoughts are hugely welcomed."


" I am doing my best to just be happy and get along and be nice. This stuff is beyond my comprehension. I have theories, you have theories, but the botttom line is I have no answers....We left it last that : "it is what it is".... no more analyzing..

If something changes , it will have to be becasue we somehow evolve into something...but I am not going to start opening up cans of worms like : ' Angela, YOU have issues".... or " you don't know what you have...." all those wondering things that blame me...etc.....

So thats where I stand... ....yes I feel we can go on like this..I can sacrafice a lot of things for our wonderful children... And I like how we are getting along right now. You're not giving me any looks or attitude. We're just having fun and being nice.... it feels pretty good:)

ok bye for now... see you later :) "

OK,,,,,NOW MY RESPONSE.......( new)

“No more Analyzing” would be fine IF we had did not have on our list of responsibilities as parents to our ‘wonderful children’ the important task of demonstrating what a healthy intimate relationship is.
What we are showing them and what they ultimately will be using as a template for their future relationships is complete bullshit and in no way a suitable usable template for any of their future intimate relationships. So, while you are doing ‘your best to just be happy and nice’ while waiting for an evolutionary solution to happen,,,,they sit and wait, and that is not fair to them. And by the way,,,I think it is a defeatist attitude to say this stuff is beyond ‘your comprehension’. You are a bright intelligent woman with no need to feel anything is beyond your comprehension.

In contrast to your beliefs, I do NOT feel we can go on ‘like this’. And I say this because I am looking at a bigger picture than you. If you want to bury your head in the sand and be content as long as you are not ‘getting any looks or attitude’,,that is fine, that is not the way I am made. I think that is self absorbed, self serving, narrow minded, doesn’t take in the bigger picture, and does not take into consideration; a)your children, who are not seeing what they need to see, or b) or myself, your husband who is enduring what he considers to be unjust distance and unavailability from his wife.

So, as we are ‘just having fun and being nice’,,,which accommodates your immediate needs and belief system, the bigger picture awaits.

You mentioned sacrificing and that ‘you can sacrifice a lot for our wonderful children’. Are you able to sacrifice your stubborn pride and admit that you are wrong in that what you are showing them is not what they need to see and observe? You are wrong, plain and simple… other way to put it.

I am glad that this ‘feels pretty good’ to you, because to me, it is eating me up inside and doesn’t feel good, and for the children, it can’t possibly look good. They are old enough to see what is in front of them.

I am all for sacrificing for the family as well, and if this current situation only affected me, I would not be placing the sense of urgency on this as I am ,,,and I would be more open to the idea of us ‘evolving’ into something as you had indicated. But, What happens if this evolution occurs after they are grown and out of the house? Too late, and I know that, whereas you don’t.

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16 Responses Aug 13, 2010

By the way - to Justwonderingif's comment - no, no no!! The worst thing to do is make a threat. My h sounds a lot like Angela and once I pulled out a few threats only for him to yell at me "then get the hell out of here then." It solved nothing. It puts you on the level of a child.

Backagain, "You're a bright and intelligent woman?" I don't see her that way from what I read. She seems neither bright nor intelligent and she is definitely very selfish. She is not thinking about your feelings or the welfare of the kids. I am completely with you that it's the parents' responsibility to be a positive role model for their children. Your children are learning a lot about what married life should not be about. Her goals are to be happy, get along, and be nice? That's all it is to her. The letter I wrote to my husband had much of your thoughts in it - the importance of intimacy not just for physical satisfaction but for the emotional connect. Friends and roommates should get along and be nice to each other. Spouses need the physical connection to nurture and foster the relationship. Right now for me without the intimacy the relationship is sterile, awkward. It's difficult to carry out any real meaningful communication. It's stuffy, artificial, unhealthy. It is not normal. Perhaps Angela would best be teamed up with my husband? I agree with previous posts-Angela does not love you. I know this hurts but it's likely the truth. She seems to care a lot about the kids so she does not want to end the marriage. The reality is that staying together like this will harm the kids. It's a tough situation. I'm still in this relationship because of the kids. I don't deserve this. It makes a person angry. how did we get stuck in this sucky situation?

Sounds good. You could always threaten to have an affair as something always looks better if you're in danger of losing it.

hi there,<br />
I am in the same boat as you. I feel so frustrated about my life. I wish I coould have known better before I put myself in this kind of marriage. My husband is that way. I tried talking things but it was just a loosing of my time. The last time I spoke with him it was that the only thing I think about is sex. I felt so humiliated. I love my 2 kids and would give my life for them, but my life is so sad, Sometimes I ask God why wouldnt he make me just like him so that we could have a better couple than this torture. I just hate to even sit close to him. My fear is that i do not want to affect my kids. I am just a sad wife... life is so unfair sometimes.

I admire your determination in reaching out to her again and again. Sadly, she probably sees it as annoying and wishes you'd stop it. are pushing that rock up that hill over and over again. I hope she answers and I hope it is the answer you want. But I kind of like Mems bullet points......they might sound hurtful, but they would be effective.

You need to get laid.You worry to much.Sometimes the more you let go...the more you get back.

I feel that I am a lot older than you and I can tell you that the kids see everything. My daughtor has said more than once that we should have divorced. I think it affected her relationships because when she dated when she was younger this guys were all loooosers. <br />
What I am saying is there aren't many secrets in a family.<br />
Hope this helps-Advise from an old guy

You are sticking to telling the truth - and as all of us who agree with TB on this issue know, the truth is our ultimate tool for success (or weapon, depending on your outlook)> You've had some usefdul and helpful advice on framing your message in ways that might get a better reception - but essentially you have told her the Truth. . . . Kudos to you for this BA.

ooops sorry one more bullet:<br />
- We will need to budget for my "dating" activities - I will try not to spend too much money on the OW. One area we can start saving money is on gifts. Effective immediately lets stop giving each other birthday and holiday gifts.

ooops sorry one more bullet:<br />
- We will need to budget for my "dating" activities - I will try not to spend too much money on the OW. One area we can start saving money is on gifts. Effective immediately lets stop giving each other birthday and holiday gifts.

I would summarize your message as:<br />
- You are being a bad parent and partner (and I agree with you she is - so you are right)<br />
- I am very angry with you (and this is fair)<br />
<br />
That message is totally ineffective in fact you predict she will ignore it. <br />
<br />
She would NOT ignore this message, and frankly I wouldn't dilute it with a lot of words - I would deliver it in bullets:<br />
- I am happy we are getting along well as friends and like you as a friend<br />
- I am not going to jeopardize our friendship with sexual pressure nor am I going to be celibate<br />
- I will be getting a girlfriend shortly and promise to be discreet. I will not bring her to our home<br />
- If in the future you wish to resume a sexual relationship - you are welcome to give it a shot<br />
- Lets do some financial planning so that when our last child leaves the house we are both well prepared to leave each other as I will be leaving then to find a new W

Very well stated. But I do not see her taking this well. Not that you are wrong, but she will see it as an out an out attack on her and putting the blame squarely on her - Again, not that this is wrong, just that she will use that against you (so to speak). She will react with saying that since you only see it as her fault... blah, blah, blah.... that you are not doing anthing to help in the relationship. That you are not taking ownership of your issues and are only blaming her.<br />
<br />
Heck, I never even put it as well and straight to the point as you have, and I still got that attitude. I mean, I tried the approach of every relationship takes 2 .... and that I was willing to change and not putting it all on her.... Of course I was never told what I needed to change.<br />
<br />
Fact is that what you say is 100% correct. That we can do nothing without communication from them and honest open communication - not burying their heads in the sand as you put it.<br />
<br />
Good luck, I am very interested to hear what happens next - but be prepared, cause it may not be pretty. Or it will be just a no response and ignoring the issue.

I do not think it is well put, sorry. It is long and boring. Boring to your wife that is. <br />
<br />
I do not mean to diminish your pain but you have to start looking at the situation clearly. Your wife clearly does not love you and she has decided to stay for the kids. She made that clear. You have to either accept it or leave. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, like the rest of us, living without love from the people we love bothers us more than it does them -- which makes sense. Nobody yearns for love from people they do not love. <br />
<br />
<br />
You have to decide for yourself whether you can take this anymore. It makes no diff to your wife. Heck, she may actually want you to go crazy and leave.

Well put.<br />
Don't back down. No dodging, running in circles, deflecting allowed on her part.<br />
<br />
Something I read a couple months ago on here:<br />
'You'd rather get a divorce than **** me.'<br />
<br />
This rings true here. No more ignoring it so it goes away.

Good for you Backagain. <br />
This is all we can do, is just keep pushing.