The Problem With No Apparent Solution

I was married at 22.  One of the primary reasons for marriage to my wife had been the prospect of a lasting intimacy.  I noticed from the start that our appetites were different.  During the first 10 years I became accustomed to once a week.  The second ten years of marriage the time between intimate sessions began to increase. I'm now 59 and the sex stopped entirely about 2 years ago.

Looking back I don't think my wife ever really enjoyed sex with me.  I may never understand her reasons.  For years I tried various ways to keep our love life alive.  My efforts never really had the desired effect.  After our last encounter she remarked that she thought sex was demeaning to the woman. With that, I finally got the hint and told her I was through chasing her around.

She has been the only love of my life and in fact the only women I ever had sex with.  I have remained faithful to my marriage vows.  The kids are now grown and I have to face the fact that while I still love my wife, this situation is unlikely to change.

I am planning a separation, even at this late date.  While I don't think I'm likely to ever find another person to love at my age, I would rather live alone than live as I do now.  I'm somewhat bitter at having wasted most of my life. 

Bob1951 Bob1951
18 Responses Aug 14, 2010

Thank you. I have been as well.

I pray for you Bob!

First of all, let me thank all who responded to the story. I appreciate all of your opinions.<br />
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js66852 - You have a good point. There are surely other issues involved, only some of which I truly understand, even after all these years. There have been good times and even if we split I will be her good friend. I'll even still love her. That won't change. <br />
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No sex is likely a symptom of a deeper problem and I've spent much time trying to learn the root cause. I have to admit I've never found it.<br />
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kasey1 - Rather than "wasted years" , perhaps I should have said years wasted trying to fix what now seems to be un-fixable, our physical love life.<br />
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Bec-Smith - You are quite right that sex is not the foundation of a marriage. Looking back, for me, the kids were the foundation of our marriage. It's when they grow up and are not the focal point any longer, that a person has the latitude to consider their own wants and needs.<br />
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Being a guy I was highly motivated to find what pleased her. Believe me, I researched the subject to death. I think I could write a book.<br />
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hardhunk - How's that working out for you. If you have no desires, I'm envious.<br />
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risskia -I would be interested to learn why you grew to hate sex. In general, of just with your ex?<br />
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my5cents and mrniceguy1066 - Let me offer you some unsolicited advice. Address the problem as soon as possible. Don't let it fester as I obviously did. <br />
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I admit to all that my personal sexual gratification seems selfish, but as Popeye said " I am what I am". I wouldn't mind a drought if I didn't think there was only desert ahead. Doing without something you long for and can't have gradually eats at your very soul. I don't want to cheat on her and truthfully I don't think I would know how. My personal belief system is that there are few legitimate reasons for divorce and my involuntary celibacy is not one of them. So perhaps, just maybe, a separation might do some good. I don't really know. What I do know is that I can't live the rest of my life like this. If I can't find a solution that fit my moral guidelines, I will have to think "outside the box". Thanks again...Bob

with intimacy. I remeber times when after ****** it took me more than 10 minutes to come back down; and I really miss that. In the fw times we do actually have any physical contact it is over so quickly. I have and never will impose myself on any lady. I just miss the mutual joining of body and yes soul. I have been soon to be married 20 years and its always been an issue for us. For more than five years these was no oral on my wifes part but she seemed quite happy to recieve. I have spoken many times about this with her to no avail. I have had two passionate affairs which in many ways helped our marriage as I was so frustrated. Going into my fifties and with the kids growing up I ask myself many questions.

Bob; I could nave written that. I am just 50 yet have exactly the same problem. We have not had sex for over 4 months and this has been going on for most of our married life. I feel she doesnt like sex at all as it is soon over and always so predictable. I long for the mutual exchange of energies one experiences.

You said that you loved your wife. Maybe not liking sex has nothing to do with you. Is she overweight?Maybe she feels like shes not worthy, or her self esteem is in the crapper. If you truely love your wife, and the only problem is sex, I strongly recommend that you talk about this before you do anything drastic. I'm sure you could find someone to "BE" with if you were single, but intimacy does not just mean sex. What about friendship, are you and your wife friends. In my mind sex is overrated, the media and **** industry makes it look so glamorous, and makes everyone feel bad about themselves if they arent screwing 7 days a week. Theres more to a relationship than sex. Maybe if you stop dwelling on the fact that youre not getting any, and just be a good friend to your wife, she would find that so attractive that she would want to be close to you and then guess what Youre having sex. Just a thought.

I have been married for 23 years and feel I have also suffered with what is close to a sexless marriage. In my case it is like I am allowed some sex once every few months just to keep me happy. If anything the lack of passion in the sex we have is almost worse then no sex at all. I admitt, I had a lover for a while and the passionate sex was fantastic and real.I can understand some of the comments by others of the like that "Sex is not the foundation of Marriage" and true my wife and I have done a lot in our 23 years outside of sex. We haven't been able to have children either but even outside that we have done a lot outside of the typical family situation.However, I personally feel I could have got a lot more out of life with a partner who enjoyed the physical, loving, sexual side of a relationship. I am 50 next year and certainly feel my life is wasted to some extent in a sexless marriage,.... I dream one day of something more.Good luck to you.

I don't know, but whatever happens in my situation I cannot think of the years as being wasted, for if I allowed myself to do that, the depression would sink in & go deep. Things have not been perfect by a long shot, but hopefully we have garnered some good experiences, had some happy moments and learned some valuable lessons . Once we know & decide what it is that we want or no longer want ( & sometimes that takes time ) then it is time to go after it or let it go. As long as we draw breath it is not too late to go for what you want. Good Luck, you are not alone!

As a woman who had grown to hate sex with my now-ex-husband, I can tell you that you've probably made the best move you can. I truly believe that couples are much healthier with matching libidos. You may separate from her and find, as we have found, that you can be her platonic friend better than you could be her husband. <br />
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May I suggest a collaborative separation and (if necessary) divorce? It hurts less and it turns the separatees into partners working towards the best decisions for everyone, instead of adversaries. It worked for us AND protected our son from the harshness of an antagonistic divorce. <br />
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Good luck.

sex is not should think about the fact your just older now an try to enjoy other things dude.

sex is not the foundation of marriage. You claim you love her, she obviously loves you because she is still with you, its your fault for not discussing your sexualy desires and beliefs before you tied the not. You made your vows and those vows were for a lifetime. Stay true to those words and your love for her. Perhaps mariage counciling will help. Find some books, do your research - Some woman claim they dont like sex because in reality the truth is their mate isnt pleasing them, and they dont ******. For a woman, that is so important to feeling conected. I can say this because i have been in that spot. If you care, ask around, go online, FIND ways to please her. Show her you are the her man and you can please her in ways she never dreamed. Ask her why she feels degrated? Is it the position? Is it because it hurts and you dont seem to notice? are you having sex because it feels good to you, and your not focusing on her spots? There are ways to fix it. Most time as well, intimacy in the bedrooms falls short because of no romance or intimacy between your emotions, conversations... and alone time outside the bedroom. Go ask her, make it work. I know you can! <br />
Also, doing things for her like taking time to make dinner, or clean up the house a little. Taking her out on unexspected dates... all these will make a woman desire you sexually. GOOD LUCK!!!!

you say that you think of your married life as wasted time but was it really? Apart from sex presumably there were plently of things that you shared and enjoyed ? And presumably she loves you or loved you? Maybe also worth considering that your wife may need some counselling around why she feels thatw ay about sex: she is entitled to but if it results from abuse or other bad experinces maybe she could benefit from treatment / help. But that isn't goingt o change anything in the short term.

good luck to you because a life without sex excpecially if u love it should not get wasted. Go after a love worth living with then one that is not.

Don't waste another day of your life not giving the physical intimacy that you need. You put in your time, but I don't think she's going to change. Especially after making that demeaning comment. I wish you had spoken about each other's sexual needs before getting married. I hope many people will learn from your post that sexual intimacy is extremely important to a marriage and must be discussed with your spouse prior to saying, "I do".

dont... separate... ask her why... then decide..

My love and I are both 58 - we found each other when we were 57. . . . Your age need not be an issue. Good luck with your efforts to make a better future for yourself.

IMHO, sex - where one of the participants is repulsed by the act - is demeaning. To BOTH the participants. The reluctant participant, because they don't want it, and the active participant who's giving of themselves is so cruelly rejected.<br />
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That said. . . . your separation will mean that you are alone. In most ways, that is better than feeling alone. The upside is, that you will be running your life and your responsibilities. There is a whole world out there waiting for you once you sort yourself out. That might include another relationship. Who's to know ? Should such a possibility appear you will be free to persue it if you choose.<br />
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Tread your own path.

If you live in the US demographics greatly favor you. Find someone who loves you.