Debating If Its Time

Hello all. I am 25 and have 2 beautiful children. My relationship is turning out to be like so many others on here. I am asking for advice on how to either stop this from happening or if I should just leave now. We started off with a great sex life. almost every night if not then it was every other. However now we are 8 months into this as sex has all but stopped. I said something a week ago and we had sex for the first time in awhile. I feel like the only time we have sex is when i say something. He asked me why I don't just jump him. My response was there have been too many times that he has turned me down when i have tried anything. Is it wrong that I enjoy having sex with him??? I love him and I don't want to have sex with anyone else, but It torture to get in bed with him every night and lay there naked with him and not even feel him be at all excited or try to make a move at all. We recently moved and I was going through some clothes. I found some lingere that I had bought when we first got together and commented that I was going to get rid of it. His comment was no I haven't seen you wear that. I don't feel that he is physically attracted to me in anyway anymore so what is the point in wearing it. He never tells me anything that he likes about my physical apperance and after 2 kids I feel like my body is destroyed. I am having a lot of trouble with making sense of all of this. I was married previously and my ex husband was a sex manaic. I realize that there is such a thing as too much but at this point I would settle for anything at all. Please help





WonderWoman8503 WonderWoman8503
26-30, F
11 Responses Aug 14, 2010

Refuser men who jerk off to **** but have no interest in making love to their wives belong on the Group W bench. <br />
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WW, <br />
Sorry you have had to endure this madness. Your husband is broken and it does not matter how fat you think you are. You have to dump your husband. He will poison your family.

In the beginning of your post, I would have told you to go in for counselling and try to work this out. Now, after seeing the developments you have mentioned, it is not as straightforward as that. You're H has an addiction for **** and he needs to address this issue if your marriage is to work. <br />
I would continue to suggest therapy but, as Baz has pointed out, BOTH parties have to be invested in it.<br />
Unfortunately, there is NOTHING you can do, individually. The problem is not your actions or lack of them. <br />
It is with your H and he has to accept it and be willing to work on it. <br />
Don't let his response destroy your self-esteem and dignity. Hold on to them as you work out how much you are willing to tolerate in this marriage.<br />
Stay strong on this difficult journey.

You might have to accept the fact that this TRULY is done.<br />
You have tried all sorts of things that you have thought of. He appears to have contributed very little to any resolvement. I am assuming you have tried other stuff that you haven't mentioned (like seeking professional help. If you haven't, then maybe you ought, just to see what the true situation is. Even if all that does is confirm what you already feel you will at least have exhausted another strategy, and be able to know you gave it your best shot).<br />
YOUR best shot is never going to do the job. Requires BOTH giving it everything. One can't do the work for two.<br />
You have shown an ability to think thru situations, and to embrace different tactics. They may not have worked in 'fixing' this, but they are still skills in your armoury. Perhaps you can use these skills to form an exit strategy.<br />
You have tried to move to a better place, you invited him to join you on the journey in many different ways. He has chosen not to accompany you on the journey. You need to respect his decision. You must respect your own decision. (his attitude does not indicate that he will accept your decision with any grace what so ever, that is his problem, not yours.)<br />
May your past, and present, pain prove to have meaning.<br />
Tread your own path.

oh and the lingere.....in a last ditch effort to make this work, I put it on the other night and walked around the house. He looked up from his game long enough to tell me which one he liked the best and then went right back to playing.......WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO.........

Well I finally figured out that its not me, well not totally. He is addicted to ***********. Well at least I think he is. When we first got together I told him that I didn't mind if he watched **** occasionally as long as It didn't replace me. He said thats fine I only have one and I don't watch it anymore. Well the other day he not only tells me he has more than the one he does it in front of the kids so I can't react to it in anyway. Then I said something about him ************ in a joking way and he said well its like my friend expects it. I have decided that its not me, its the fact that I don't look like the girls in the **** movies and after he jerks off to them all the time, theres nothing left for me. It really hurts that he not only has turned out to be shallow and an *******, but he has lied to me.

Truth! "his response was please don't say stuff like that It makes me feel like I can't satisfy you or that I am not man enough."<br />
<br />
I think you have to tell him that this is TRUE. He is NOT man enough for you . . . and it is HIS choice if he wants to become man enough for you . . . <br />
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Whilst it sounds harsh, it does give him a chance to choose to do something. On the other hand, if he chooses to do nothing, you know he does not care enough to do it . . . <br />
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"So heres to me giving up........on this relationship. " If the relationship fails, it is NOT your fault. It is important you understand that this is HIS issue - and HE is failing to address it. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have made a decision in the past couple days since posting my experiance. I figured if I am to the point that I can't even talk to him about it and I have to turn to posting online to let out my emotions, its time to leave. It hurts a lot but I think that what is going on now hurts more. I have tried letting him know that I want sex so many times that I am over even trying anymore. Tonight I made the comment on my way to bed that I was going to go "take care of it on my own" and his response was please don't say stuff like that It makes me feel like I can't satisfy you or that I am not man enough. I really wanted to tell him.....well in order to satisfy anything we have to be having sex. Someone asked me today if I was pregnant......nope just haven't lost the baby weight totally and I thought about saying nope you have to be having sex for that to happen. However we unfortunatly work in the same place so it would have gotten back to him and then the conversation would have been about how he doesn't like that I confide in people like that. I am to the point now where it has degraded my self esteem and caused me to feel like I am unattractive and I should just give up. So heres to me giving up........on this relationship.

The bigger mistake is to keep living the mistake.<br />
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Baz ,,,,, we choose to live in Fantasy Land ... rather than accept the reality of our marriages<br />
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I am guilty of the same<br />
I chose to be deaf, dumb and blind .. and wasted a lifetime with a man who didn't compliment me , or me him .. in many areas, included sexuality ..<br />
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This is a sign ... there is trouble in Paradise ... <br />
Either you choose to see it ... or imagine it isn't really as bad as it seems.<br />
<br />
We all have choices<br />
Please stop, look and listen to us ...<br />
We have been on the treadmill longer than you<br />
Get off before you waste your life.

@wonderwoman. Have just re-read my comment. It could be read that I am saying 'you are the problem'. I am not saying that in any way shape or form.<br />
What I am suggesting is that your H's attitude leaves a lot to be desired.<br />
And, that any relationship based on physical attractiveness is only going to last as long as that physical attraction lasts.<br />
Just as a relationship based on say 'intimacy' is only going to last as long as the intimacy does. Or money. Or mutual respect. Or (insert your own subject here).

Well, things are alive and well in superficial- land ! The wonderful kingdom where we are judged on our physical appeal, and once that becomes 'familiar' - or (horror of horrors) changes after childbirth, it is thought ok to cease intimate contact.<br />
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Spare me ! If, as appears to me from your post the basis of the marriage was essentially 'great sex nearly every night' then it was built on sand from the get go. Appears that when the sex dried up here, so did the marriage.<br />
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Sometimes, we make mistakes, like marrying someone we perhaps shouldn't have. The bigger mistake is to keep living the mistake.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

WWoman, <br />
Ask your husband bluntly: " Do you love me? " and judge for yourself the integrity of his response. That is a good starting point. If he pauses to search for something to say.... you know that means he does not love you. <br />
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I bet that the truth to that question is the same sorry truth that pretty much all of us suffering here hate to admit: Our refuser-spouses do not love us and that is why they have no interest in us. <br />
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Unfortunately, your