How To Cope

I've been virtually sexless for a little more than 5 years. I'm in a bad relationship, but I choose to stay. I have my reasons. What I would like to know from everyone is how do you cope with this? It seems like it comes in waves for me... I can go a year without it bothering to the extreme and I just won't even bother to try to initiate sex, I will barely think about it, I guess I just accept it. Then there are time like now. For the  last year or a little more it seems it is all I can think about, hope for and want. I am home 4 nights a week and all 4 nights I try to be with my husband. I am 99% unsuccessful, of course.

Why does it seem to bother me more now than it did a few years ago?

I feel like my husband is almost right when he tells me I am obsessed with sex. I kind of am. Once we go to the bedroom for te night it is all I think about!
marriedintx marriedintx
31-35, F
23 Responses Aug 14, 2010

I think a lot of people take a very pragmatic approach to the situation, and either find things that stimulate them online (men are really good at that) or find someone that has the same situation. No one can tell you what to do, there is what is right and what you want to do. <br />
I agree with someone below that you deserve to feel sexy no matter what. As for leaving, we all know that is so increadibly hard to contemplate. <br />
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Obviously you are not alone ...for what its worth you have this forum as a sounding board. Hope all goes well

You SHOULD think about sex a lot! You're in your sexual prime. You have natural urges and needs that need to be fulfilled, and no matter how much you fantasize and **********, it is not as satisfying as the love and attention of an affectionate man. Right now, you're barely getting by on a day-by-day basis. But his continuous rejection, his failure to uphold his end of the promises you made at the altar, is taking a mounting toll from you. If you think it's bad now, then just think where you'll be in 5, 10 or 20 years from now! That beautiful thing in you, the desire to give and receive sexual pleasure, will die in you. Think about that! You don't really think that he's ever going to change, do you? What you should do is make the tough choice and cut your losses right now before you get deeper in emotional debt. No matter his positive traits, he is no longer the man that you fell in love with. His constant rejection diminishes you and fills your head with doubt. But I guarantee you that there is a new somebody out there who will complete you. And if there's any doubt about your sex appeal, then put your sex game face on. Go get your hair and nails done, get that killer dress out of the closet, strap on those "**** me" heels, apply that makeup, accenting your alluring eyes and luscious lips, spritz some perfume, and head out the door for a night out with the girls. Even if all you do is sit there nursing a drink and rejecting the flirty come-ons of horny guys, enjoy yourself. Feel alive again. Revel in the attention. Dance with a guy who wants to grind on you and enjoy the memories that come back to you. What's the point of the exercise? That you can do this, and the sooner, while you're still young, the better. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. You'll get beyond the pain and ultimately be happy that you did. It's that first step that is the hardest.

I am like you 5 years and no sex but I love her and plan on staying. Alot of the time I try not to think about it but other times it is tough.

If I may ask,<br />
<br />
Why does he not engage in the act with you. Does he have some sort of problem?

I share your pain, but don't have the answer, unfortunately....

no he's not martin. you;d have to know him i guess. but i can say with 1 million percent certainty he is not. maybe with his himself (and I highly doubt it) but definitely not with another person.

well i bet your hubby is getting his without you

Do you actually cope - or do you just exist. I coped by over compensating by doing too much. Too much work, too much voluntary work, too much with the children, too much everything. Then I had an epiphany - sort it out and don't do so much. So I did!

what makes it so tough is that it is not as simple as just sex. Yes there are the physical desires that are not being met but there is very much a mental aspect to it. Is is hard to feel that you are not wanted it and it makes your mind run crazy as to what is the matter with you and why is your partner not attracted to. Such a viscous cycle and it sucks.

After a few years in this forum, how much more can you say?

We are still here, Duke. <br />

my god i told marriedintx that i have lived it for 12 years worried that her 5 years will be 12 if she doesant get rid of this deadbeat .<br />
<br />
now 2 people have come over the top of me with 22 and 23 years.<br />
<br />
i think im going to have to take my own advice because another ten years of this is just to scary to comprehend.<br />
so thanks my5cents and dukeleto for showing me that there is someone out there that has it worse than me

You should be married to me!<br />
<br />
God Bless You!

You should be married to me!<br />
<br />
God Bless You!

Your frustrations with the "lack of a good sexual relationship" will only increase over time. So it's good you've started getting serious about sorting it. I have been in a near sexless marraige for 23 years. It bothered me less in the first years but certainly bothers me now. You deserve good, loving sex and it is part of your makeup. Either sort your man or leave (especially if it is a bad relationship as you have said) or remain frustrated. Other activities to take you mind off things are to some extent only a patch in the long run.

Sex is suppose to be part of marriage, my wife has little interest in it, so I know how you feel<br />
How to cope? Its not easy there is a feeling of being cheated, without it there is just something missing, marriage should be celebrated not endured.<br />
My self I just remember my wedding vows, for better<br />
or for worse, if I can't have intimacy in my marriage at least I can have peace with my self in knowing I am being true and doing what I vowed.

First, some coping hints.<br />
<br />
Develop new interests outside of the household.<br />
Renew, refresh friendships with people.<br />
Involve yourself in your community.<br />
Develop new and interesting ways of getting yourself off solo.<br />
<br />
Essentially, 'distract' yourself from the real problem.<br />
<br />
Next - "why does it bother me more now than it did years ago ?"<br />
Seems self evident. The pressure is building up.<br />
<br />
There'll come a time, it might be now, where you want to move onto the 'real' problem. When that happens, be aware that you and your husband will need to work TOGETHER, at 100% effort each, to have any chance of improving this situation. If he (or you) only go at it half arsed, you have an onsoluble problem.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

men like your husband do not deserve you<br />
he should meet my wife they would be happy im sure as they have so much in common,you said you have your reasons to stay,mine is an 11 year old son that i do not want to be seperated from,so if you are not trapped get out now ,i have had 12 years of this and your 5 years will only continue

For a long time you have been able to suppress your real feelings, but now you no longer can. I liken it to holding an inflated balloon under water in a bucket . . . it takes a great deal of effort. After a while, the balloon pops up over the water line - and then it is almost impossible to submerrge again. It demands our attention . . . . <br />
<br />
In my opinion, once this happens you are on your way to ending your marriage. At least, this was true for me and has been for a lot of others. You can no longer ignore or suppress the pain your marriage is causing you . . . and neither you should. Time to start planning your exit IMO. {{{Hugs}}} - it is a painful and difficult time.

I wrote story long ago called "One Coping Mechanis: Love Your Kids" <br />
<a href="" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
It might help. My wife and I are divorcing but I still follow those strategies now. In a nutshell, you start looking at your spouse differently and you minimize your admiration by simply seeing your spouse in your children. Your spouse is now the father of your children. Your spouse is no longer a lover, no longer a friend and no longer in love with you.

I have a dog who I shower my attention on. For me it was harder in the beginning and then got easier as I got more numb. But, lately as I get older, I am just "over it" and waiting for a resolution either way. I thought that because we both love each other and wanted to be together that eventually the problem would be solved. Guess I am pretty naive. I have taken up tons of hobbies... roller derby sounds great. ANd finding this group has helped me a lot to realized I am not alone.

I do know he is a manipulator Tbaby. He always gives me just a tiny crumb with promises of more. Of course more never comes. I may try meditation. Also thnking of joining the local roller derby. Figure I could get my frustrations out that way for sure. <br />
& Magic, I know all of the reasons already, there are a million. None of them are me. Accepting for now is the only thing i can do or else I will go absolutely crazy. I won't leave, at least not for now.

i do not think you should accept it there has to be a reason he is not into it. it could be him not you