Looking Back Over The Past Two Years...

I was once a member of this forum. I drew a line in the sand - that on June 15, 2008 - I would either be walking away from my sexless marriage, or walking hand in hand with my husband towards a new beginning. I made several posts here, about my journey (you can read my stories if you are curious). Ultimately I bid you all goodbye March 208 when my husband decided our marriage wasn't worth saving. After our divorce was final in January 2009. I severed all ties, and haven't looked back.

I won't give you any false promises about the ease or comfort of the journey I took. Along the way I took a hard look at myself, and spent a long time figuring out what makes me happy, and how to accomplish this. I'm only now beginning to recover financially, and have become involved with someone I hope will be my life partner. I'm still trying to forgive myself for staying so long, in a situation that I now realize was extremely abusive and toxic. The motivation for my visit tonight is my experience of seeing him at a bar, with a group of his friends. I was up in a balcony - and he did not know I was present. I observed him hug and touch his friends far more often than he ever touched me during our entire marriage. I don't really know what to do with that, I suppose it just brought home the fact that there won't ever be any answers.

I'm also writing to let you know that life goes on. I'm getting stronger every day. I'm still humbled by the toll this marriage exacted on my pysche and physical health. I've decided to repost some observations from that line I drew in the sand. Every marriage is different, and these observations may not apply to your situation. But for me, these thoughts still ring as true today as they did when I first posted them on this forum in 2008:

You must work on yourself first - be honest and true to yourself. It is critical for you to find a way to remember that your value is independent from the actions of the other party in a sexless marriage.

The sexlessness of my 10 year marriage was a symptom, but not the ultimate cause of the death of my marriage.

I no longer believe that sex in a marriage can be resuscitated if one year or more has passed. Mine was entirely without sex for 3 years, and the frequency was quite low for a number of years prior to that. He told me on our honeymoon, that he never had to kiss me again. From that day forward, my marriage lacked intimacy, both physical or emotional. I will be very honest with you - not one person during my time on this forum (or my searches in the archives) could report an outcome other than acceptance of the situation or the death of the marriage.

Be very clear about your reasons for staying. I had to face my reasons squarely and found that they had little to do with love for my spouse, and more to do with my own fear and insecurity. This diminished both of us.

I've also had to face the fact that staying was far more emotionally costly than everything material that I have lost. It is going to take a very long time to rebuild my emotional and physical stamina. The stress of staying in my marriage has taken an enormous toll on my health and well being. This wasn't clear to me until now. (And in fact, becomes more clear every day that passes).

I wish each of you well on your journey. Only you can know what is best for you when you are deciding which road to take. Listen to your heart and take good care of yourself.

Wishing you strength on your journey,

warmheart warmheart
46-50, F
14 Responses Aug 16, 2010

Wow he actually said he didn't have to kiss you anymore on the HONEYMOON??!!! OMG..GIANT red flag..lol So glad to hear that life is going well now & you have met somebody compatible. It is a great feeling. Yea the single scene is ROUGH to say the least. After my first marriage & I was in the whole dating scene I ran across, extremely jealous types, abusive types (yes some women do fall into that category), some of the most self centered types you would ever meet(& they wondered why they were divorced...lol), psychosis, neurosis, drunks, drug addicts & some that were just plain mean. That was just the first 6 dates...HA! But seriously it really is scary out there.<br />
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The good news is that there is life after divorce. After going through some real frogs I did meet a princess. Yea life took a bad turn even there when she became so ill with Liver Disease. Yea it means after 16 years of REALLY bad sex in my first marriage that I am now almost sexless (but she does do things for me so that is better than many have it). But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Yea this life can be more difficult than I can put into words. But my W does still care & is loving to me. When we married the sex was AWSOME to say the least. She would give anything to change what happened. That alone makes it worth it. I originally came here to find coping mechanisms for living without intimacy. I can't say I have found any yet but still enjoy the site & hope I can offer support for the many here who are hurting. So it's GREAT to hear that you found happiness. <br />
Best of Luck

Komby, you need to ask yourself one VERY important question:<br />
"Does my husband feel the same way I do about sex?"<br />
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If the answer is "No", then you WILL find your marriage in serious trouble at some point. . . I'd act NOW if that was the case (always presuming you WANT to stay married . . . .).

My husband and I love each other very much. I just don't like sex. It has been over a year since the last time and before that it was 5 years. We still enjoy each others' company and share a bed. We doe verything else together.... just not sex.

Warmheart, thank you for posting this! It is very honest and I hope that it makes some of the people here TAKE ACTION. Most of the people in this forum have examined and dissected their marriages ad nauseum, but they still can't overcome their inertia.<br />
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I want to point out one thing: him not wanting to touch you had NOTHING to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with him. Please don't look at yourself looking for the reasons why he didn't want to touch, cuddle and caress you.<br />
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I left my marriage 3 months ago, and like warmheart, am rebuilding my life bit by bit. Like you Warmheart, the more I go on, the more I discover how "wrong" my marriage had become.<br />
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@ripduff, I think you need to decide what YOUR plan for your life is and take the responsibility back from god. It's YOUR life, god's not going to live it for you.

wow that was touching but i think you could keep a log to see how you feel after a week and if that helps then great if not then...

Warmheart, thanks for sharing your inspirational story. I've been living the hell for 11 years and I've just started on the path of getting out of my sexless marriage. Over the last few weeks I've had a lot of time to think about what I want for my future and both of us have decided that it isn't together, as nothing is going to change. It's affected my health too, both mentally and physically and I am actually glad for the incident which triggered the divergence of our paths. Your story has given me hope of finding happiness and I hope that others can get some comfort from it too.

Warmheart, thank you for returning to post this. It can help a lot of folks.<br />

it s great to be strong keep going and good luck . I cant leave my wife if I walk out the family will break to pecies and in our society that s very bad

Unhappy & Unhealthy .... once proven we have to move out of Fantasy Land.<br />
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Thank you for your confirmation here tonight.<br />
I needed this.

Thank you for sharing, WH. Your experiences give me a lot to think about and a lot to look forward to as well. <br />
The courage that you and others on this forum have shown is encouraging to someone like me who is just starting her journey.

Dear WarmHeart: Thank you for posting your story and the helful lessons learned It's because folks like you, who come back to share your experiences with us, that we are able to learn, grow and see the future from where we are...<br />
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I have not wrote my story yet, and as I sit and try to find the words to even begin.. it makes me very emotional. I have been married for 16 years and have not been intimate with my husband for over 10 years now! I want out.. I have left him twice, but came back.. this time I have been back for 16 months. Nothing has changed and nothing ever will. I keep wondering what is wrong with me and why I am so afraid to leave, I think it has to do with the kids, I hate to split a family.. I grew up like that.. I just don't know. I am very glad you moved on, I hope I do soon. I need help, I am at the very end of my rope, and my heart is broken completely.

The lessons are bloody hard aren't they W.<br />
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But, once learned are (hopefully) never forgotten.<br />
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Your 'emotional and physical stamina' will (and are) starting to return. Slowly but surely. Just as it took time for the problems in your marriage to evolve, and it took more time for you to accept that fact, then more time to be ready to act. It is only reasonable that the recovery period takes a while as well.<br />
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But now, NOW, you have your feet under you plus a huge knowledge base about yourself and what you want. And, at your own pace you go forward, unencumbered by the dead weight of a non contributing spouse around your neck.<br />
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You are going great. And who knows what delights are ahead of you ?? (plus some ****, to help you appreciate the good bits !!)<br />
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Tread your own path.

I am about to embark on my 2nd year out and I agree, it isn't easy and it's only with time and distance can you understand how much it takes from you. <br />
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Princess Wishingyouwell