Looking Back Over The Past Two Years...I was once a member of this forum. I drew a line in the sand - that on June 15, 2008 - I would either be walking away from my sexless marriage, or walking hand in hand with my husband towards a new beginning. I made several posts here, about my journey (you can read my stories if you are curious). Ultimately I bid you all goodbye March 208 when my husband decided our marriage wasn't worth saving. After our divorce was final in January 2009. I severed all ties, and haven't looked back.
I won't give you any false promises about the ease or comfort of the journey I took. Along the way I took a hard look at myself, and spent a long time figuring out what makes me happy, and how to accomplish this. I'm only now beginning to recover financially, and have become involved with someone I hope will be my life partner. I'm still trying to forgive myself for staying so long, in a situation that I now realize was extremely abusive and toxic. The motivation for my visit tonight is my experience of seeing him at a bar, with a group of his friends. I was up in a balcony - and he did not know I was present. I observed him hug and touch his friends far more often than he ever touched me during our entire marriage. I don't really know what to do with that, I suppose it just brought home the fact that there won't ever be any answers.
I'm also writing to let you know that life goes on. I'm getting stronger every day. I'm still humbled by the toll this marriage exacted on my pysche and physical health. I've decided to repost some observations from that line I drew in the sand. Every marriage is different, and these observations may not apply to your situation. But for me, these thoughts still ring as true today as they did when I first posted them on this forum in 2008:
You must work on yourself first - be honest and true to yourself. It is critical for you to find a way to remember that your value is independent from the actions of the other party in a sexless marriage.
The sexlessness of my 10 year marriage was a symptom, but not the ultimate cause of the death of my marriage.
I no longer believe that sex in a marriage can be resuscitated if one year or more has passed. Mine was entirely without sex for 3 years, and the frequency was quite low for a number of years prior to that. He told me on our honeymoon, that he never had to kiss me again. From that day forward, my marriage lacked intimacy, both physical or emotional. I will be very honest with you - not one person during my time on this forum (or my searches in the archives) could report an outcome other than acceptance of the situation or the death of the marriage.
Be very clear about your reasons for staying. I had to face my reasons squarely and found that they had little to do with love for my spouse, and more to do with my own fear and insecurity. This diminished both of us.
I've also had to face the fact that staying was far more emotionally costly than everything material that I have lost. It is going to take a very long time to rebuild my emotional and physical stamina. The stress of staying in my marriage has taken an enormous toll on my health and well being. This wasn't clear to me until now. (And in fact, becomes more clear every day that passes).
I wish each of you well on your journey. Only you can know what is best for you when you are deciding which road to take. Listen to your heart and take good care of yourself.
Wishing you strength on your journey,