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Stay Gone Or Go Back?

This is my story:

I met my husband at work when I was 21 and he was 40.  We dated for 4 years before we got married and now have been married for 3 years.  In the beginning everything was great.  We were and remained best friends through out our marriage.  We spent a lot of time together and we both were very interested in each other and enjoyed each others company.  Around the time we were getting married I noticed our sex life dropping.  I chalked it up to a lot of stress on his part.  We recently built our house and he was working a lot of hours. 

Over the past couple years I have tried to make excuses for his lack of interest in me but I started to drift away from him because I was starting to feel depressed and angry.  Every time I would try to talk to him about it he would get angry and say I was nagging and that I was making things worse by bringing up the subject.  I am 29 now and attractive and I know I could find someone else if I wanted to.  We very seldom got into fights but it has just gotten so much worse and every month that goes by I get more upset and lonely.  We started living together as great friends and what I felt like was roommates.  We probably only had sex about 6 times a year.  It also seemed as though he didn’t ever want to go out unless there was a group with us.  About a year and a half ago I wrote him a long letter telling him everything I was feeling.  I basically said how I am lonely, depressed, and sad and that if things don’t change it is going to ruin our marriage.  He of course cried and said he doesn’t want me to leave and that we would work on it like he always does.  Well that was a year and a half ago and still no change. 

Well I finally got the nerve to file for divorce about 2 months ago.  He cried and begged for me to stay and he kept saying that he knew why I was leaving but that he felt he showed his love through financially supporting me.  I don’t see how this would be enough for any woman.  My dilemma now is he is very close with my sister and she constantly tells me he cries and wants to make it work and he would try really heard.  I feel so horrible and I know he is hurting but am I having this urge to go back because I really miss him or do I just feel sorry for him?  Deep down I don't see him changing.
ThePrime28 ThePrime28 26-30 7 Responses Aug 18, 2010

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Thank you everyone for all of your replies. I did read them all and it did truly help. I do think I am just missing the norm instead of truly needing that relationship. The past several years of me crying and him ignoring shows me that it will eventually go back to the way it has been and I can't take that risk. I will always love him and I know he will love me as well but its just not a husband spouse love anymore. Thank you all again I really appreciate all of your responses.

DO NOT GO BACK!



And, like others have said - give your sister a good talking to!

If you go back, it will get worse.

You would be going back on HIS terms, not yours, and his position would have been vindicated.

So you would be in a subservient position on the resumption of this circus.

Relationships are not about one person being subservient and another dominant. They are about 2 individuals both willingly bringing their attributes to the table and creating something bigger than the sum of their individual parts.

You obviously bring a lot to the table, he brings very little.

Using (yes USING) your sister as a go between says a lot to me.

Tread your own path.

DO NOT GO BACK!!!! Even if he changes for the short term, given your age difference, it is highly likely that you will have other issues as you move forward. Trust me on this. I left one 20 years older after 18 years of marriage. I was 24 when he snagged me. If only I had left when I was 29 instead of 42.



Princess Notsoyounganymore

I think you answered your own question..."deep down I don't see him changing" ...you know the truth, don't let guilt and fear sway you. Live your life!

Honey,

Your husband does not love you.



It really is not difficult for a married man to get a hard-on and put it where it belongs provided he loves his wife.





enna is right. Do not take the liar back. You are not a psychiatrist nor are you a nurse. Let him sort out his mental problems on his own. Actually, even if you were, you do not deserve his crap.

Under NO circumstances go back! You have done exactly the right thing in leaving - and have probably saved your life in the sense that you can now find a person with whom to have a truly loving reciprocal relationship.



Your husband misses you - but he will NOT change if you go back. He may say he will; he may even believe he will - but endless evidence on this forum will show you that it just does NOT happen. . . .



I understand the missing - you still love him and at some level, you always will. But it is nostalgia and home sickness drawing you back - plus a sense of guilt which your sister is NOT helping!



If I were you I'd tell your sister this:

"You are MY sister and I need your support in this. Trying to get me to take him back is NOT helping me. I need to move on with my life."



Believe me, there are many, many people here who WISH they had the strength to leave in the early stages, as you have so bravely done. Do you want to be 35, 45, 55 and raising children in a marriage where you have no sex, no intimacy and very little in the wayof shared interests?? Truly, you do NOT want that - at any cost.



Better to be sad at present and stick to your decision. A better future is ahead for you - and you TRULY deserve it!