Do You Live A Secret Life?

I am not a person to share my sex life with anyone. My secret life is on the net. I have a made up persona I use to be honest with those I meet and where I try out different lifestyles.

I can totally relate to this post as I often times wonder about the same very intriguing questions and the varying answers. MoxxieM: As an absolute gentleman I truly wish you'd add me as a friend as we have mutual interests. I really look forward to sharing and exploring! Thanks! Dirk42

Do you feel like you’re living a lie? Are you keeping a secret from your family and friends that is causing your life to spiral out of control?



Do you want to make a change and are you ready? We can help. From the Executive Producer of the acclaimed documentary series, “Intervention” comes a new series about people who are living double lives.



We are searching for people who are tired of keeping their secret from their family, friends, and loved ones. We are only looking for people who are genuinely interested in finding healing in their lives.



The goal of this transformational series is to help people rebuild and heal fractured lives. This is a documentary series that is non-exploitive and will treat each participant with extreme sensitivity. Participants will be offered the choice to consult with a therapist during production.



*If you are interested in applying, please send us an email at doublelife@grbtv.com or if you are unable to email call us at 818.728.4147. Please briefly tell us about yourself, the nature of the double life you are leading, who you are keeping this secret from, how it has affected your life, and why you want to stop living this lie now.



Please include your phone number, as well as the city & state where you live. Please attach 2 jpegs of yourself.



We look forward to hearing from you. Many thanks!

I have told a few people. Most people see us as having a wonderful and perfect marriage.

When I tell people, the first question they ask me is, "Do you think he's gay?"

I have NO idea what he is. I just know he doesn't want to "be with me."

His family, of course do not know.

I think it does show though that I'm less than happy. My Uncle (who does NOT know) saw a picture of me and told my mother that I didn't look happy.

My male friends would have one of these responses to hearing that we are sexless:



1) They would advise that I do more around the house or buy her gifts. I do both and it won't change a damn thing.

2) You must be lousy in bed or selfish, etc.

3) You are weak husband, take care of your house and wife. "That happened to me for a week and then I told her..."



What positive can come from sharing the predicament? I think very little. I find myself eager to flirt which is a bad sign of boiling over frustration. I tried again, last night and was told "Separate!" It continues. Why I ever try again is beyond me. I am a fool.

@ Julie: I DID tell our physician and she was appalled. I told her everything (except about my extracurricular activity...which I would have confessed if she had asked.). She was helpful and supportive. I needed an ally.



-MR

I have only discussed it with a few people. I prefer to keep my personal life to myself. I can discuss things openly here because everyone is in the same situation and they understand.



destiney24, if you think the members are so disgusting then you are more than welcome to go somewhere else!

Thank you for sharing! Most ILIAM members tend to keep their situation with a refuser partner a secret. It seems mostly from embarressment, shame or unwillingness to hurt the other person. I have kept my sexual celibacy a secret for over 20 years with the exception of one "friend" who just did not respond to my disclosure. Her reaction, or lack thereof, made me exceptionally queasy about revealing my situation to others. The burden of carrying a "secret" has become as painful as the situation itself. It makes me sick to pent up all this pain and sorrow.

No, I didn't tell anyone. It would be nothing but pretty pointless display of a skeleton from the closet. The only person I am going to tell is my therapist I am starting to see next week.

My husband and I have the same physician because of our insurance, we have had him for a while now. When I went to see him a while after my husband's illness, i was a new patient there (I don't really go to doctors a lot), so they were taking my med. information, and then he asked me what kind of birth control I was using, completely unaware of the fact that my husband abstains from sex for health reasons.I simply told him I was taking Yaz, and he wrote me out prescription for it.

I can picture doctors face if I said, "Doctor, don't you know? My husband is afraid to die if he 'gets too excited!"

I've never told anyone, with the exception of posting here. Why would I tell ... it won't change anything, it's humiliating to be a woman whose man doesn't want her sexually and I've always believed it is wrong to "b i t c h" about your spouse to another person.

I've only shared my secret with my mom (who says I should see it as a bonus, because she never liked sex much) and one of my close male friends (who doesn't at all understand why I'm dealing with this). I'm starting to believe that no one really tells the truth about their marriage--ever.

I have a secret life. My secret life is that I have no closeness with my husband but I did break down and tell one friend. I did not tell because I thought it would upset my husband for people to know we had no closeness. I am sharing more--two people now know and of course now everyone who reads my story here. So my secret is not such a secret anymore. I feel better about things and I am beginning to plan and think a little more. I am going to tell my story in an oil painting--lots of symbols and color changes. My one friend is a former psychologist and can not understand why I stayed this long, however life can be more complicated than one simple solution. Now my secret life is that this web site LOL.

I think most people suspected something based on how cold my wife is with me. Since we decided to part, I have been sporadically telling people the truth.



Telling the truth is a double-edged sword because people just do not know how it feels. Some of them are refusers too and they feel justifiied.



Also, you have no idea what your spouse has been telling everybody else. My wife tells people that I am insensitive and lazy. So, when I told some people about the sexlessness, some of the said " Well, you can never be certain how it all started, you know, what came first." like as if I provoked her rejection. From their perspective, that makes sense because they have no idea how abusive refusal truly can be and all they know is the litany of complaints that come from my wife.

My best girlfriend knew for the entire 18 year marriage, and she was always supportive of me. She was the only one who knew for years and years until I finally told another girlfriend who was going through a divorce, and she, too, was supportive. Both girlfriends never "told" me what to do, but they always said that I deserved better. It helps to tell a friend because you have so much bottled up and nobody even discusses such a thing as sexless marriage. My best girlfriend stood by me whenever I'd say stupid things like "Well, we're doing fine...getting along, not fighting, going on weekend getaways...but no, we're still not having sex and no, he still hasn't kissed me goodnight". She only told me how irrational that way of thinking was once I realized it on my own. She wanted to scream at me "Don't you know he's never going to do these things? Don't you know that you're the only one who gives a damn about the marriage?", but she didn't until I came to the realization on my own. After I had accepted what it actually was, she then told me things like, "OMG, I've wanted you to leave him for years. You deserve so much more. He has taken your love for granted. I hated to see you suffering like that, it broke my heart, but I couldn't tell you, you had to figure it out on your own. I'm glad that you were so committed to him, but I'm so proud of you for facing reality and for having the courage to accept it. Do you need a place to stay until you get a place of your own? What can I do to help you start over? The other girlfriend, not a best friend but a good friend, a divorcee herself, said to me, "It's about damn time. Let's go have a drink, and for God's sake, please let me take you shopping for some new clothes". A true friend will listen, offer a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on without passing jugement.



And come to find out, there are many folks stuck in sexless marriges...they just don't talk about it because it's too painful and they think they're the only one. I mean, who doesn't have sex in their marriage? It's such a foreign concept!

I told nobody until I was considering leaving. Then, it was difficult to share and restricted to a select few individuals. As I got closer to leaving, I told more people and it was easier to say because over time I realized that it did not reflect poorly on me as I had once thought it would.

humili you mean they don't come from the cabbage patch? :-)

I haven't told any of my friends out of respect for my bride. But surely that have to at least suspect. My wife is so sick most days from this awful illness most would think sex isn't possible anyway. Some may not though. When she is around others she puts up a brave front. That & she does ocassionally have better days than others. Since my reason for a SM is unavoidable & she really is a good person there is no need to give others a bad impression.



I did made the mistake of talking to about it to a female friend of hers once. Although she was the one who brought it up. The friend latter tried to get me to have sex with her. Didn't make that mistake again & no I didn't do it....LOL



I never did tell the wife about what her friend did. I wonder if I did the right thing in not telling her. But she has already lost quite a few friends who can't handle seeing her so sick. Especially when she was under hospice care. Not that many stop by anymore because they just don't know how to react so I don't want her to loose the few she has left.

Oh yes it was absolutely unmentionable ! I used to listen to my close friends occasionally say what they'd done with the wife/girlfriend, and have nothing to contribute, no happy memories of recent `events' and I would seethe inside with anger and frustration. In the `normal' world sex is almost taken for granted. People who have not been with a refuser have no concept of it ! I did tell my close family eventually...and of course all agreed that it was in no way acceptable. They were happy for me when I finally told them I'd quit and found someone who loved me !

I used to be part of the "charade" at one time. I think I joined in the pretence so I would not be seen as a being a 'lesser man' for tolerating such a situation.

Giving the charade up, and being honest about the situation if it came up (not blabbing about it to all and sundry) I found very cathartic.

You ask a question that has been an eye opener for me recently ..



My too long marriage has always been ... what I would consider private without anyone knowing what "was not going on behind closed doors' ... I thought we always gave the impression we were together in every sense of the word.



Now that I am on the brink of leaving ... my friends, family and even neighbors ... have told me that it has always been obvious that me and him were never happy together ... and that they just thought I decided to accept it as it was .. Guess they were somewhat right ... as I did try to act .. as he acted .. because I was embarrassed to admit that my husband did not want me ..



It still ceases to amaze me that so many people outside of my four walls ... knew

I honestly thought I was good at hiding the fact that I was lonely, frustrated, and sad ..



Guess a person cannot hide all of that disappointment year after year after year ..

Now my face reflects a happier, more self assured woman ... and I am blessed

My children and great friends have known for years. They all have encouraged me to leave and find a happy loving and respectful relationship with another. My art shows friends that I have told like the couple that I met at a local market selling their pottery bowls today both gave me huge hugs and want promises to keep in touch when I am living in England with e-mails. They think this has been a long time in coming for me and are very supportive. That I richly deserve this adventure to be with the man I love. It is apparent by many who have watched the interactions between STBX and I out in public that we are totally mismatched. It will come as no surprise to many as I have usually had the brunt of my work done by me with little or begrudging help from STBX. In a few months when I have left here to be with my love, I will contact others who will also offer support then. So far there have been a few people who worry about me as to how I will live and I assure them that I will be fine and in loving hands.



I got over any embarrassment about my life some time ago and am candid with those I trust. Educated and artistic acquaintances are my greatest supporters. People who closed off to me reaching out and changing my life still love me but could never take such a huge step for themselves. I do not allow their fears and doubts about their own lives change my resolve.







relationship with another,

No one in my life knows what I am going thru, just my friends here. Everyone thinks that the Hubs and I have a perfect relationship. When we are around people, he is affectionate and loving. I am totally embarassed about my situation and that is why I don't tell anyone what is going on...

Some of my very close friends know & they have been very supportive. i felt the need to share once i started an affair...i think they needed to understand why i would do this b/c i was the least likley to cheat in our group--for whatever that is worth.

I have 2 friends that know what my situation is. One has known for about a year or so, and the other has known a couple of months now.



The friend that has known for a year wonders why I am still here. The other friend doesn't know all of the gory details of the situation.



So, as far as family goes, yes, I do have a secret life.

No, nobody knows. Perhaps we shouldn't keep this quiet, but we do because we're used to putting others first, aren't we? And because we care about these people and don't want to embarrass them. Crazy really, they don't care that much about us, do they?

sex is intamacy mostly so something is wrong i lived that way for many many years until i couldnt stand it anymore i am gay but it was not me who refused to have sex my husband looking back had issues i think he is gay also and dont want to face it

I have a male friend who is in a loving relationship with his girl I told him recently and he can't believe it. I don't thing the kids know though. I have been in a sexless marriage for almost 10 years now. It hurts to see my friends enjoying their wives and I can't.. As far as sex is concerned I've learned to take care of business myself.