A Word About Cheating....

"In the end, all you really have is your name".

growing up poor in the south that is really the truth,and a man word was his bond.times have changed we don't live in those times now. if you get caught the female get the bad name the man get off free ,because that is his nature,we have gone wrong somewhere

I have been married to my wife for ten years.



I love her.



We've tried counseling.



But, we've never had sex or done anything more than kiss.



It's not that simplistic, octoberowens.



It would hurt you if he cheated on you.



Wouldn't you be hurt if he rejected you for a decade?

Type your commentI left that comment without really having read the comments of others. I spoke harshly and I apologize. When I heard that people were seeking sex with other people because they were unsatisfied with the one ther are with, I thought of how much that would hurt me if my boyfriend did that and I suppose I was projecting that emotion. I do, unfortunately, know what it's like to have sex be all about the man because if it's not, he loses his erection and I don't get any... so sex has not been as physically satisfying as i would hope, but there is still an intense emtional and intimate connection that i "lust" after. I don't know what I would do if he stopped providing that for me. But I would think that not connecting in that way would really weaken our bonds and, though I love him, I would probably not be "in love" with him. I don't think you are weak and i am sorry i said that. i am sorry that you have to experience the loss of intimacy and i know that it will be difficult to find someone else to who makes you feel comfortable and sexy and is willing to put forth effort to learn what pleases you will not be easy. i'm sorry that it has come to that point for you. i wish you the best of luck. here...

It's so easy to say that all one has to do is leave if they aren't getting sex. Tell me what you would do in a situation where he has had ED for almost the whole marriage and refused to seek help. He has taken the little blue pills with little if any results.



So what does it mean when the other partner doesn't hold up his side of the equation? Isn't withholding intimacy a breach of the marriage "contract"? Don't you dare call me a weak and selfish person when my whole marriage lovemaking has been about him and his problem. "Sorry it happened so fast, do this, do that-it will make it easier for me." I have tried, talked and begged. So, who is the friggin' selfish one. After 26 years and two children we still have a lot to keep us together. We are roommates and friends, but I yearn for the closeness, warmness and intimacy that we had in the beginning. I can't help that he has physical problems and has had such a strong religious upbringing that he is totally inhibited. He will NOT go for help. Oh, and he is a good man despite this.



Don't judge others until you have walked in their shoes.

This is bull****. So what if you are not getting sex? You made a commitment when you entered into your marriage to provide emotional support for your spouse. The lack of intimacy my signify a problem in your spouse. He or she may be having issues with self esteem, stress, or a number of deeper problems. If you loved him/her than you would be there for them and give them the time they need. If you don't love them or the lack of sex causes you to fall out of love with them and talking doesn't help, get out of the marriage and then have all the sex you want! There is no excuse to take advantage of someone's trust. Only a truly weak and selfish person would use extramarital affairs to solve their own problems when there are clearly problems within the marriage that need attention.



Men are f***ing pigs. I think I found the only good one in the world.

I also live in a sexless marriage. It took a lot of soul searching but I finally decided to look for sex elsewhere.

I had a wonderfully passionate love affair with a wonderful man who was in the same type of situation. Unfortunately he wife found out and that was the end of us. Of course, he chose to go back to his wife-he has children and his lifestyle was important to him. As much as I knew that in the beginning, I was horribly hurt. Can you imagine how hard it is to walk around and interact normally while you're dying inside? It's been 2 1/2 years and while I am doing fine, I still think about him.



Would I do this again if I knew the outcome? In a heartbeat! He helped me to realize that I am worth loving and caring for. He provided the warmth and closeness that I missed so much.



I am still with my husband and we had sex 3 times last year. His birthday, my birthday and our anniversary. I have come to realize that he is a good man and I like him. The love has diminished. So, we are good friends and roommates. I can't ever initiate sex,unfortunately. Oh, and he has told me that he can't make love to me face to face. How's that for a morale booster. I would be in the depths of depession from that comment if I didn't know for a fact that another man loved and cherished me, if just for a little while. Life goes on......

pyx..

In my opinion you need to move on. Easier said than done I know. I could use that advice myself but as far as I know my husband hasn't cheated on me...yet. Which is saying a lot for him considering I have not wanted to have sex with him for a while because of his attitude. In this kind of situation it is generally about the sex. In the end it will be his loss not yours because a relationship based only on sex cannot last.

Hmmm. I dunno. There is a thing called integrity. It's something I feel I'm missing, but kinda like the Tinman with his heart or Scarecrow with his brain, maybe if I make enough of an effort I'll have it someday....

Funny how things look when you invert the proposition: what of the character of the spouse who is denying intimacy... who has cast their partner into a world of pain and doubt... why does their "name" not suffer? Why doesn't the cost of this wrong find its way home to the source? Character, as defined by our society, is a convenient fiction; its primary purpose is to give the illusion of stability. I care little for it.







Saying a thing is so does not make it so.

Hi everyone. If it works for you to maintain boundaries in order to protect your name, great. Unfortunately, from what I've read on the topic people with a name to protect are often some of the more likely to cheat, especially if they have strong egos that need feeding. They just work hard to hide their deceit, case in point: Bill Clinton.



Concern about hurting others, and especially about making problems for my wife and kids is a powerful motivater. But in my case that didn't stop me from having the affair when the opportunity arose, meeting this woman only at her apartment, situated in a busy part of town where I could walk in without looking suspicious.



What made me stop was the guilt I felt, terrible guilt, carrying this secret with me all the time. I especially felt guilty at home, with my wife and children. I felt like a liar, cheat and phony.



Well, anyway, I survived the encounter. It went kind of as I expected. Her friend flirted with me intensely, constantly trying to nudge us closer together. We went to a dance club with mostly young people. I had too much to drink, we all did. I told them I had to go at 2am. They said they were going to stay all night, go back in the morning when sober. No one made the hotel suggestion, thankfully.



Guess I'm lucky to have escaped.

when people are dying of thirst no one would condemn them from drinking a glass of water. Dying inside emotionally, may not be the same thing, but I can tell you it still hurts and it may not kill me physically but I can tell you if someone could see inside my heart and soul they would only see death that has setteled in long ago. i myself have not cheated but it is only because this thing we call a sexless marriage has killed me before I had a chance.

Yup...huge risk. No way around it. Very difficult decision.

I think everyone finding their way here is upset that they are somewhat forced to have to make decisions like this. Or even to have thoughts about it.

For me (who is comtemplating it)...I am a internal mess because of it. I will probably be worse if I follow through. I know it is my decision and no one is forcing me...but the circumstances that I am in have brought me to this unfortuante point...

As searchingfor put it....it's not "just sex" - it's the lack of all that goes with it - I too would prefer it in my marriage, not outside of it.

Makingpeace.....you are either pregnant or you are not.

Sounds like you want to stop, but you do not want to hurt your FWB. You either hurt her now, or hurt her later because it does not sound like you will ever leave your wife. I suggest not meeting with her-get it over with-the faster and sooner, the better. There is no easy way to do this. Unless you are some kind of supermale who can resist a woman asking you for sex (especially a woman that you care about), then DON'T GO. You will hurt her even more if you reject her sexually and this could cause "hell haith no fury like a woman scorned".

Dude, you had an affair, it is over,,,,now shut up and don't tell anyone about it and I mean anyone-take it to the grave with you.....confessing it will only hurt others and that is wrong. Be a man and move on!

(Sorry-not trying to be harsh-but you asked for it-above.)

a person in a traditional community would be takeing a tremendous risk to their reputation if they engaged in an affair. those of us without that community still have our own self-image to think about as well as any other repurcussions. it would be playing with fire and i am quite clumsy. an open marriage is an option for non=traditional folks. nasca is a descreet option for unescorted women.

Lil Annie -- how right you are!

It is a terrible nasty business.



Makingpeace, are you interested in starting this all over again? You said it makes you feel terrible. What wouldn't make you feel terrible? I say choose the path of least resistance right now while you are still trying to work things out. Don't put yourself in situations where you know you will fail. Wait until you're sure of what you want. (You don't sound sure).



I am not the fire and brimstone kind of person but one of my friends accuses me of having clear "fences" around what I will do and what I won't do. It's all about boundaries for me....



I am a bit of a "wild horse" and have done some pretty daring things before my husband with men. I loved men! It impaired my judgement a lot.



When I met my husband I knew that I needed to calm down and stop looking over the fence for greener grass. I vowed never to have affairs because of all the damage they can create. (My dear sweet sister is in the middle of an affair and her life is always marked by chaos and nonsense. She thrives on the drama it creates).



Whether we like it or not, whether it is fair or not, we live in this world. And if you are successful and a member of an interwoven community (like I am) you are going to have reprocussions for an affair IF you are caught. There is no way around it.

There is no doubt about it. Married people who have affairs are putting their reputations on the line. People will talk. Is it fair? Of course not. Now, some people could not care less how they are thought of in their communities. But gossip is insidious and destructive. Spouses, children, friends and neighbors will be contaminated by the dirt talk. A terrible, nasty business.

Would you all mind if I hijacked this thread for a moment? I dont want to start a new one. I will be meeting my exgirlfriend Friday night. I am worried about what can happen. I feel proud of myself that we stopped having this affair, but to see her again is risky for me. I actually could use some fire and brimestone guilt producing arguements for keeping my hands to myself. She will want a hug, I will not be able to say no to that, but after that I gotta pull away.



She may try to get me to go to a hotel with her, something we've never done. She will have a friend with her. That could be good or bad. If her friend seeks to help her by flirting with me, trying to convince me to go to the hotel also, it could get difficult. I need to say goodbye at some point and just go home.

There is no valid reason for anyone's name to be besmirched merely for HAVING to seek out sex from someone other than their spouse, because their spouse refuses to be the sex partner that a spouse ought to be.



If anyone should be worried about their good name it ought to be our sex abusing mates that sexually reject and sexually neglect us. They won't even try to get help for their unhealthy attitudes about sex. If society wants to be degrading towards anyone it ought to be the spouse that tells their loved one "no" when they are invited to have sex with them... that is who society ought to be sullying the name of... not the poor desperate frustrated horny mate.



Think it's a wonderful thought to think of having to get naked and be intimate with yet another person when you've already thought you found your one and only? No way! It's a big scary pain in the ***.. but thanks to our sex withholding spouses we're having to find what sex gives a person with someone else.



Think of our name... hell our spouses weren't worried about their name when they cut us off of sex.

Thanks Milliance for this post. I am on the fence, but still leaning towards not cheating here. Although it is more and more difficult to live as an asexual person. I did not sign up for this and am not sure how much longer I will live this way. I just see the devistation that it causes to both sides, and even the dicreet affair can hurt you emotionally. Not judging a soul for doing what they need to do. This is like survival right now. I know I can't survive much longer asexually.

interesting, milliance. i think that i understand what you are saying, but after living the sexless marriage life, sex with anyone other than myself sounds appealing.lol.

I just had an affair for about 3 years. It was blissful everytime I saw her, but I felt like crap when I came back home, carrying the secret around while with my family. I don't know if I can identify with the "name" idea. But I agree about shaming my family. When I first had an affair over 10 years ago I later confessed to my wife, and family, and all close friends. That was hell.



Haven't seen this women I had an affair with recently since late September. She's been miserable absolutely sorrowful. I promised to meet her tonight for a drink in town, but not alone. Her best friend will come with her. I don't want anything to happen.



You skate on very thin ice though when you have an affair, most definitely!!

That is what being "discreet" is all about. My closest friend is in a +5 year affair and I just found out about it-she told me. I do not know his name and do not want to know. She has been extremely "discreet". This affair has saved her marriage as she has been talking about divorcing her husband for +10 years before the affair. The affair stopped her from divorcing her husband as she is now getting what she needed-a variety of sex and affection from her friend with benefits.

I should also say that I am not advocating NOT cheating, just that one should deeply consider it.



I think that a "good name" comes with acheivements and hard work. When people who love you and care for you hear your "name" it calls up feelings in others. We are what we do more than what we say.

I agree, for the most part. But I'm not cutting the kids any slack. The cheaters I knew in my youth just got worse with age. ; )

It is not just "no sex" for some of us....it is no affection, no touching, no feeling like a man/woman with our spouse. For me, it is like me not talking to my wife and sharing my life with her-that would make my wife very unhappy. Sex is how I connect with my wife and I need it as a man. This is how that I am made. I am starving and it has been for years. I must do things to make her happy, but she will not do this one thing for me. I am talking years of no sex.