Birthday Bungle

When my husband left for work yesterday morning w/o saying "Happy Birthday," I didn't think much of it. I figured he'd call me at work later.  Maybe surprise me w/a floral bouquet. When no bouquet materialized (who am I kidding? It never had before), I still held out hope for a call.  I'm at the office until 6:30p.  No call.  So, now I'm thinking he has one heckuva surprise planned for me later.

The day goes as expected.  A rowdy, rambunctious, rendition of the birthday song from my youngest, bounding into my room as soon as she opens her eyes and realizes it's my day.  At work, I'm busy, an office birthday breakfast, managers from other departments dropping in to wish me well, calls from old lovers, a satisfying number of Facebook birthday greetings.  A couple of notes from EP folks observant enough to catch the "special day" red lettering on profile.  I arrive home at 7pm to find that I have NOT, as planned, allowed my husband ample time to set up my surprise.  He has not yet arrived.  So I realize he must be out GETTING my surprise, and will most certainly wish me birthday greetings later.

As I walk into the house, a nice-sized, exciting looking priority-mail box is on the table.  I assume it's the dress I purchased online recently for my youngest -- but NO, the name on the box is mine!  I experience a moment of confusion.  I didn't order anything for me.  Did hubby?  I tear open the box excitedly and find: two bags of premium coffee beans -- from an old high school classmate and Facebook buddy, now living the good life selling beans in Hawaii.  I'm ecstatic, and deeply inhaling the beans when hubby walks in.

Forgetting that I've promised myself  I won't mention a thing about my birthday in order not to seem like I'm "beating him to the punch" and making him feel guilty for not saying or doing something in his own time, I'm bouncing up and down, all bubbly, holding out my beans, and blabbering about how this guy I knew from high school just sent me a birthday prez.  The look on his face is inscrutable.  I realize I've made a mistake.  He is wondering whether I'm f*cking this guy.  Who lives in Hawaii.  I sober up, and tone it down, making sure to mention that I don't remember the guy's name, will need to look it up on FB, casually trot out the story of the beans and how it's this guy's business, yadda yadda .. .

My husband moves on.  I sit at the table and start to read the local paper.  My youngest has made the front page.  My husband comes back and gives me a birthday card.   I assume there's a helluva surprise in there.  He stops me from opening it and begins ceremoniously presenting my gift.  First, a set of wooden kitchen tools.  Next, a wok - to replace my prior wok he burned.  Which he pulls out of a plastic grocery store bag.  " I figure it's a gag, show appreciation, give him a BIG hug, and open the card.  It is just that; a card.  He asks if I'd like to go to dinner.  I think: "as opposed to cooking on my birthday?  Hell YES."  But I'm emotionally drained now, and not feeling like putting up a great front over a restaurant sit-down, so I say I'd like a Panera salad as takeout.

On the way there, realizing now that my husband has made his full play, I determine I will NOT be upset, disappointed, or unpleasant.  I'm going to play it off and ask for the one thing that'll cost him nothing.  As we exit the car far behind my daughter, I tell him that I'm expecting a "birthday present" later, much later, after we go to bed tonight.  Okay.  I realize that this is a euphemism, and I COULD have been clearer.  I COULD have said "I want you on your knees worshipping w/eager tongue at the altar between mine!"  But that just seemed crass & unnecessary.  Later at 11pm, just before lights out, I puttered around the bedroom murmuring that I "couldn't find the [sex] coupons" he'd given me and I was definitely wanting to use one tonight.  He'd given me those coupons back on Valentine's Day this year.  Not a single one of them was for intercourse.  He replied that I didn't need a coupon, he'd take it on faith and give me whatever I wanted.  Buoyed by this promising response, I went off to the bathroom to "freshen up."  When I returned, he was snoring.

EP was down.   I couldn't get in to work off my frustration.  I went to bed fighting tears, but thinking -- maybe he misunderstood me.  Maybe he meant to wake early the next morning and deliver my "present."  And at 3:30am, he did INDEED wake early!  Excited, I waited until he exited the bathroom, then went in to "freshen up" for the 2nd time on my birthday night.  I came back to bed, and YES!  He WAS awake!  He was trying to get my attention!!  I gave it willingly, expectantly, excitedly!!  Spreading my legs to have him . . . . get between, pump for 2 minutes, roll off, and go back to sleep.

Okay, NOW I am pissed.  Well and truly pissed.   I canNOT really believe that my husband thought he was "giving me a gift" by entering me dry, pumping for 2 minutes, and going back to sleep.  I hadn't even pretended to enjoy it.  He never ONCE attempted to please me, or asked me if there was anything more I needed.   I lay there afterward, spread wantonly, eyes open staring at the ceiling, in shock.  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY???  I debated shoving him awake, and telling him very plainly how he'd f*cked up.  But it just wasn't worth it.  He might have tried at that point to remedy it.  And I was disgusted.  I really didn't want him touching me anymore.  He had totally bungled my birthday.

At times like these, I have such difficulty understanding people who maintain that sex outside of marriage is such a terrible wrong.  Selfish.  How would I be selfish right now if I sought sexual gratification elsewhere??
Colormevibrant Colormevibrant
46-50, F
12 Responses Sep 3, 2010


I am so sorry your birthday was not everything you wanted it to be. It brings tears to my eyes when I read your story, because as where specific details may differ, I had pretty much the same sucky ending...with no sex at all!!! <br />
No card, no present, no flowers, no "i'll make it up to you later", no sex...nothing!!<br />
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It may not be the same and it is a few monthe late but...<br />
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I am starting to learn the difference between sex and lovemaking.<br />
I save the lovemaking for my husband...and we have begun to work a little harder at our marriage now that he had a wake-up call. And I have sex just to make me happy with anyone. I have only done it once (with another man)...which was my husbands wake-up call...but I would consider doing it again :)

Color...I know it's been a while since you posted this, but I wanted to tell you that, my husband did the EXACT same thing to me, except it was our anniversary he forgot....and yup to the no present, no dinner....not even any sex at all....he had to friggin work....and he actually wonders why I'm considering divorce. Not ba<x>sed on one forgetful incident, but this is 12 years of marriage worth of being ignored.<br />
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All my best to you,<br />
E :)

Sorry your birthday sucked so much. Go out and do something to celebrate this weekend and leave the dumb *** at home so you can actually enjoy it.

Well I hope you at least got to enjoy the birthday celebrations at work & with your kids. Although I put NO stock in astrology we Virgos (today is my birthday as well) are supposed to be passionate, romantic people. I know I have always been. My birthday will be the same. But now I gotta go look up those calories thing. Hmmm how come I'm not fat?...... Oh yea it's been a 5 YEAR diet....LOL :-)

Happy Belated Birthday!! Your birthday sounds like so many of mine. I don't think we've ever had birthday, or any sort of holiday sex. We've been together for 20+ years, and we still have not had a honeymoon, or any sort of vacation. <br />
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At this point I really don't think that seeking gratification outside of your marriage is wrong.

Color? I lived in a very similar marriage. I was faithful to a fault for 23 years. I tried talking, begging, crying, writing letters to him, counseling. Nothing worked. I filed and moved out a year ago. I also took a lover; he's married and also in sexless marriage. Not ideal I know, but for now? It's perfect. I wish you the best and Happy Belated Birthday!

A big ten-fo' to GaDad!!<br />
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Stress - are you my brother???

Tahoe, all forgiven & no disrespect taken. In fact, I"ll delete earlier two comments as they make me feel slightly uncomfy -- then we're good. NOW, let's address your (humorous) assumptions:<br />
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1. I married a Caribbean male. Are u KIDDING?! I'm not insane. 100% American beef 4me!<br />
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2. Caribbean men don't "eat fruit.". Hahahahahaa!!!! Dude. Where do u think I LEARNT it?! <br />
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We boarding school girlies knew that sex (intercourse) was "wrong." Since we were "saving ourselves" till marriage -- what else was a gal to do?? American boys were still playing with marbles when Caribbean boyz were "rockin' da [l'il man in the] boat", sugar. <br />
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I know the songs of which you speak tho. I've always thought the lyric writers were either idiots or liars. When I was younger, it was a badge of honor for boys to brag that they needed only a hefty nether appendage to bring gals to nirvana. The ones who bragged loudest were always the most accomplished cunnilinguists.<br />
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Re: Japanese women -- interesting. Can't comment as I don't know any well enuf to have discussed the topic. But if true, how sad. How very, very, sad . . .<br />
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GADad. Wait. Hang on. I have to control my giggles. I'll be just one sec. really. BWAHHHH--hahaha!!! *wiping eyes* Oh my gosh. What a classic, inspired response!! I think it'll go down in my diary as an all-time fav: "if vaginas had calories . . " We have simply GOT to trade spouses!! ;-)<br />
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stress, beachbum -- (((good vibes))) thanx for your support. For now, I'm still workin' on stayin' w/o strayin' -- but it's nice to know that I won't be excoriated if I do!

Well, Happy Birthday, sorry it wasnt very happy. Mine was last week was only aknowledged by a few facebook friends as well. Not the wife or even my mother!

LOL!! Grunt!!! ((hugs)) Are u a vampire?? Do u not sleep?!! Thanks for the sympathy. I'm now off to find some tea (and a shower -- it's the office now, for me). Will check in on ya later!

Geez, that just sucks! (and NOT in the good way you were hoping for, heh?) I'm sorry for your miserable birthday experience. (Weird, how much it parallels my last two birthdays, but that's another subject, and there wasn't even gratuitous sex.)<br />
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That's a good, and real, question - how would you be selfish right now if you sought sexual gratification elsewhere? It sure would be easy for you to find. And, probably, lots of it. (Is not that so?).<br />
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Anyway, it sucks, as you know. You didn't get treated poorly because you deserved it; just remember that.<br />
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big hugs! (and stuff)