Birthday BungleWhen my husband left for work yesterday morning w/o saying "Happy Birthday," I didn't think much of it. I figured he'd call me at work later. Maybe surprise me w/a floral bouquet. When no bouquet materialized (who am I kidding? It never had before), I still held out hope for a call. I'm at the office until 6:30p. No call. So, now I'm thinking he has one heckuva surprise planned for me later.
The day goes as expected. A rowdy, rambunctious, rendition of the birthday song from my youngest, bounding into my room as soon as she opens her eyes and realizes it's my day. At work, I'm busy, an office birthday breakfast, managers from other departments dropping in to wish me well, calls from old lovers, a satisfying number of Facebook birthday greetings. A couple of notes from EP folks observant enough to catch the "special day" red lettering on profile. I arrive home at 7pm to find that I have NOT, as planned, allowed my husband ample time to set up my surprise. He has not yet arrived. So I realize he must be out GETTING my surprise, and will most certainly wish me birthday greetings later.
As I walk into the house, a nice-sized, exciting looking priority-mail box is on the table. I assume it's the dress I purchased online recently for my youngest -- but NO, the name on the box is mine! I experience a moment of confusion. I didn't order anything for me. Did hubby? I tear open the box excitedly and find: two bags of premium coffee beans -- from an old high school classmate and Facebook buddy, now living the good life selling beans in Hawaii. I'm ecstatic, and deeply inhaling the beans when hubby walks in.
Forgetting that I've promised myself I won't mention a thing about my birthday in order not to seem like I'm "beating him to the punch" and making him feel guilty for not saying or doing something in his own time, I'm bouncing up and down, all bubbly, holding out my beans, and blabbering about how this guy I knew from high school just sent me a birthday prez. The look on his face is inscrutable. I realize I've made a mistake. He is wondering whether I'm f*cking this guy. Who lives in Hawaii. I sober up, and tone it down, making sure to mention that I don't remember the guy's name, will need to look it up on FB, casually trot out the story of the beans and how it's this guy's business, yadda yadda .. .
My husband moves on. I sit at the table and start to read the local paper. My youngest has made the front page. My husband comes back and gives me a birthday card. I assume there's a helluva surprise in there. He stops me from opening it and begins ceremoniously presenting my gift. First, a set of wooden kitchen tools. Next, a wok - to replace my prior wok he burned. Which he pulls out of a plastic grocery store bag. " I figure it's a gag, show appreciation, give him a BIG hug, and open the card. It is just that; a card. He asks if I'd like to go to dinner. I think: "as opposed to cooking on my birthday? Hell YES." But I'm emotionally drained now, and not feeling like putting up a great front over a restaurant sit-down, so I say I'd like a Panera salad as takeout.
On the way there, realizing now that my husband has made his full play, I determine I will NOT be upset, disappointed, or unpleasant. I'm going to play it off and ask for the one thing that'll cost him nothing. As we exit the car far behind my daughter, I tell him that I'm expecting a "birthday present" later, much later, after we go to bed tonight. Okay. I realize that this is a euphemism, and I COULD have been clearer. I COULD have said "I want you on your knees worshipping w/eager tongue at the altar between mine!" But that just seemed crass & unnecessary. Later at 11pm, just before lights out, I puttered around the bedroom murmuring that I "couldn't find the [sex] coupons" he'd given me and I was definitely wanting to use one tonight. He'd given me those coupons back on Valentine's Day this year. Not a single one of them was for intercourse. He replied that I didn't need a coupon, he'd take it on faith and give me whatever I wanted. Buoyed by this promising response, I went off to the bathroom to "freshen up." When I returned, he was snoring.
EP was down. I couldn't get in to work off my frustration. I went to bed fighting tears, but thinking -- maybe he misunderstood me. Maybe he meant to wake early the next morning and deliver my "present." And at 3:30am, he did INDEED wake early! Excited, I waited until he exited the bathroom, then went in to "freshen up" for the 2nd time on my birthday night. I came back to bed, and YES! He WAS awake! He was trying to get my attention!! I gave it willingly, expectantly, excitedly!! Spreading my legs to have him . . . . get between, pump for 2 minutes, roll off, and go back to sleep.
Okay, NOW I am pissed. Well and truly pissed. I canNOT really believe that my husband thought he was "giving me a gift" by entering me dry, pumping for 2 minutes, and going back to sleep. I hadn't even pretended to enjoy it. He never ONCE attempted to please me, or asked me if there was anything more I needed. I lay there afterward, spread wantonly, eyes open staring at the ceiling, in shock. Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? I debated shoving him awake, and telling him very plainly how he'd f*cked up. But it just wasn't worth it. He might have tried at that point to remedy it. And I was disgusted. I really didn't want him touching me anymore. He had totally bungled my birthday.
At times like these, I have such difficulty understanding people who maintain that sex outside of marriage is such a terrible wrong. Selfish. How would I be selfish right now if I sought sexual gratification elsewhere??