My Wife Isnt Being Intimate With Me

guys and gals I just got married and my wife simply is getting worse with sex. It used to be sex at least once or twice a week now its like once every 2 weeks. she wont go to a counceler or research why sex is so important in a relationship. Im getting to the point where i feel like i have to make a stand because its getting worse and she isnt changing.

We are both young and I simply cant be happy if I dont have some physical intimacy with my other half. She is drop dead beautiful,loyal to me, has a good job, and no addictions. But just doesnt think sex should be important because she can do without. I dont know what to do. Should I walk?

She is a very coservitive woman by the way but god damn its ok to make love ya know.

And I have never cheated or used **** though she told me she would care if i needed to ********** and watch ****. I want the real thing though ya know.
deleted deleted
15 Responses Sep 5, 2010

Good luck to you all, I have decided it is time to get out. I have been in a 13 yr marriage where sex and intimacy were always a issue. I am 48 and she is 36. She now is more focused on dressing sexy and going out. I stayed this long becuase I have a 12 yr daughter.<br />
Have tried talking so many times but she just turns off.<br />
<br />
Good luck to you all, remember always show love. Out there there are so many woman looking for intimacy, you will find the right one.

Welcome to the sex bait & switch. Very sad for you but seems to be a common tale among refusers. I guess you have two choices. Choice 1) Stay & make it work with counsiling or whatever you both need to do. Choice 2) RUN LIKE HELL...LOL<br />
<br />
One word of advice though. If it isn't too late DO NOT have kids with this woman. That will actually make it worse & then you really will be trapped with no way out. That is usually the second step for a refuser to keep you in the marriage.

Dreadnought is obviously NOT in a sexless marriage. The reality is that those who ARE can tell you what lies ahead for you - and they have plainly done just that. This issue is not anyone's "fault" - it is the tragic outcome of mismatched libidos. And therefore you are not at fault - you are simply recognising that your needs and your wife's are incompatible.<br />
<br />
And Javeachica is well meaning but also clueless. Studying a topic in college does not give you real understanding of living in a sexless marriage. And Javea - I can assure you that the spouses on this site already KNOW all the stuff you have suggested and they have tried all of this (and more) with NO success.<br />
<br />
1810, 4PM60 has excellent advice on dealing with this situation. I know you will NOT want to hear that you should leave your wife, but sadly, it may well come to this as others have said. But do try the approach of 4PM60 because it is very well balanced and MAY result in improvements for you . . . I hope so.<br />
<br />
BTW, you are younger than my children (LOL!) and I have left a sexless marriage in the last 2 years. Libido is not something that is necessarily related to age or health (altho both may impact to some extent). Your libido is something that is part of you - same with your wife. It is not something that is easily changed, or put aside, or dealt with successfully if there are major discrepancies. Be aware that, despite your best efforts, you may be wise to realise NOW that it isn't going to work . . . . .

It's understandable why people would tell you to leave, but that's not always the right answer. I know that for myself my issues were lack of trust in men. I wanted to change, so did he. we worked through our issues, and now things are much better. But it's 25 yrs later. that's just how messed up we were. I think true love is worth fighting for. but both people have to be willing to fight or it could go nowhere.

OK...I am sorry for your situation, but put it this way.....your beautiful loyal wife has just been in a car crash or has developed a medical problem that stops her from having sex....would you divorce her if this were the case....IMO it is no the conclusion is that you don,t love her or maybe don,t love her enough. (There is always ************? maybe you could get her involved through that, at first in a minor way, perhaps by her being next to you or allowing you to look at her when you do so that she knows that it is her you want not someone else.) So maybe you will get out while you can...but it is your problem, not hers that has made this split inevitable, remember that when you go into your next relationship and find that the woman has some fault that you cannot put up with.

hate to be negative but GET OUT! before kids are involved. that's what i am looking at right now and it's hell. you deserve to be loved and touched and you need to go get it now!

Hi 1810. I think you're REALLY lucky to have found this site early on in your sexless marriage. I spent 13 years in a sexless marriage before I finally realised, with the help of this site, that it was over.<br />
<br />
I think there is still a slim hope of salvaging the situation because it's early days. You mentioned that she is grossed out by the whole sex thing. This strongly suggests negative programming from mommy or granny in early life. It may be possible to get her to open up, but it will take time and patience, and most importantly, a desire to change on HER part. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.<br />
<br />
Try this 4 step conversation with her, and see what her reaction is. You'll need to be sitting down with her and have her undivided attention.<br />
<br />
1: Tell her what the problem is. Keep it unemotional.<br />
2: Tell her how it affects you. Be honest, tell her how it makes you feel.<br />
3: Tell her what you want her to do about it. Be realistic, for example: "I want you to see a counselor to try and overcome your negative perceptions of sex", not: "I want you to be my **** star ****." Set a time fr<x>ame.<br />
4: Tell her how doing something about it will benefit HER, for example: "You will have a happy husband, not a miserable slave." <br />
<br />
I wouldn't recommend threatening her with leaving YET.<br />
<br />
If you get through this 4 step talk and she promises to do something, great. If she then doesn't do anything, she was probably paying you lip service, and it's time to give her an ultimatum. This is the time to threaten her with divorce.<br />
<br />
If she doesn't even let you finish the 4 step talk, and either storms out, picks a fight or bursts into tears, then it could be a couple of things. Either her problem is deep seated and she probably won't ever have the guts to change it, not for you, not for Hugh Jackman, not for anyone; or she is just manipulating you by picking said fight or having said tantrum. Either way, you will then know which course of action to take. <br />
<br />
Good luck.

1810, I'm sorry to hear about your lack of intimacy with your otherwise beautiful, loving, newlywed wife. [Insert sarcasm here] <br />
I want you to erase any self doubt and realize your very luck to have found this group so early in your problem marriage. My marriage is past the point of no return and I cannot deploy my escape plan until my handicapped daughter is better able to cope. The advice here is kind of like the "If I only knew then what I know now " variety and it's all valuable even it it has no context to your current situation. <br />
I know that if I this group were available to me 14 years ago I would have saved myself and my future family a lot of pain. I know the pain and confusion you are feeling at this stage. Rationalizing by telling yourself it"s only sex and maybe she will change and then things will be perfect. It doesn't change with time and with putting yourself out there admitting " Hey , honey I don't know if you realize this but not being intimate is starting to suck and do you have any feelings for me? "... IT WON'T CHANGE. So you'll quietly help her change her mind about you, maybe if I dress a little better, work out more, bring home more money STILL WON'T CHANGE. You'll become more resentful and angry, try to exert more pressure on her and she will no longer be just a beautiful woman with a sex hangup but an awful hurtful person who never cared for you at all. She'll peal back more ugly la<x>yers of her true miserable self than you could ever imagine. The truth is there is no such thing as a good wife who just doesn't like sex that much. They are deceptive selfish people who realized before we met them in order to attract the normal humans they must act like one during courtship. When the need to be like us has passed so will any effort to please you. You have been played, so was I, don't have children with her, get out before anything tragic happens that will guilt you into staying.

Brother, don't threaten her with divorce which might force her to decide to have sex with you to keep the marriage but it won't really change her and ultimately, the mercy sex will end. If she doesn't enjoy sex and is only doing it to keep you in the marriage, that won't work long term. She won't be happy and eventually neither will you. If you want the marriage to work, you need to find out why she has no desire for sex. If it is a low level of testostrone, that might be able to be medically treated and her libido might return. If it has to do with some experience in her past (i.e. abuse, rape, ultra conservative upbringing, etc.), counselling might help.<br />
<br />
Don't for one minute think an ultimatum will force her to change and that sex more than once or twice a week will last. At least when you have sex, try to observe whether she is actually enjoying herself or not. Does she have ******* or does she just lie there waiting for you to finish. Trust me, if it is the latter, she will eventually not want to endure that any longer. She will never initiate intimacy or sex. You will be one of us old guys on EP with not only a sexless marriage but with a family making it harder to leave.<br />
<br />
Your wife is who she is and unless there is a medical or psychological reason for her low sex drive, expecting or forcing her to change is fiction and living a lie. Leave now. Don't wait.

Agreed Jill...they dont work. It only glosses things over....both people are so exhausted from fighting that its a temporary fix to keep the peace. Eventually the refuser shuts down again because the fighting has there must not be a problem *shakes head*<br />
<br />
Its really that sick and twisted<br />
<br />
<br />
Just one more stage prior to the affair or divorce happening

ultimatums RARELY work<br />
<br />
It's my way or the highway" You're fed up with your wife and so you decide to give them an ultimatum. But think about it -- what if the tables were turned -- would you appreciate receiving a "do this or else" declaration?

It will not get better. Do not wait until your wife has to tell lies about why her husband is so depressed because you know she is not going to tell them she refuses sex. So, divorce now. <br />
<br />
Pal, we feel for you. We really do because we have endured years of the same exact nonsense. <br />
<br />
Of course, you must feel rotten because you are now thinking that this will be your second divorce, you will be the loser in everybody's eyes. That is too bad. You have to suck it up or you will slowly suffer in silence until you go mad like she already is.

It will not get better. Your wife will at least admit that she's not interested in sex, but then she shouldn't have married you without telling you this. This what is infuriating about sexless people, they don't mind getting married and then changing the rules. You are young and have the right to expect a sexual relationship, and you're right, **** is really no substitiute. People need intimacy, and it is only through intimacy that love can flourish and be nurtured. It becomes pretty hard to stay in love with someone who does not want you physically.

See is she is open to counselling. If she is, give her a time fr<x>ame within which you want changes.<br />
If she is not open to counselling then, move on. This marriage will not get better. <br />
It is far better to end this when you are in the early stages rather than later especially after children enter the picture. <br />
Ending a marriage is hard but sometimes, it's the best thing to do. Staying and living in a sexless marriage is a dead end.<br />
Think carefully and decide.

Friend, if you're smart then throw down a loving ultimatum and do it now. Go to a lawyer and get divorce papers drawn up. Don't file them yet. Pick a time, set her down and tell her things change or you file in (x) months. Lay the papers down as proof. If she scoffs or says go ahead, then file. If she promiises to change, give her the alloted time. If she fails, file. Do this before any children are born. You'll be glad you did.