The Sexless Marraige — Chemical Castration As An Option

Living in a sexless marraige isn't the sort of thing that a person can talk about with friends, and if you know that there are no solutions then it isn't the sort of thing you can talk about with therapists. I found, however, that I couldn't live with the pain and the constant reminders of alternatives,... the ever-present temptation to have an affair, first and foremost. I tried to seek a way to lower my libido. I had researched several drugs that were used for "chemical castration," which is an actual term. But these drugs — mainly birth control medications — are difficult to get without a doctor that is willing to prescribe them. The medical community tends to advocate other solutions first. I went online and posted my questions on dozens of message boards everywhere: "Is there a way for a man to lower his libido?" I received a short list of answers; some suggesting such strange things as saltpeter (once thought to have made desire vanish), to vigorous exercise, to the old standard of ************. Late last April, I recieved the suggestion to "Ask a urologist about the antiandrogens. Read about hypersexuality and antiandrogens in Wikipedia." I followed this advice and found a wealth of information that had never been revealed to me before. I recommend that you research the terms yourself for a broader understanding, but to put it in a nutshell, these drugs are used, in part, for gender reversals. They are the opposite of steriods, in a way.
 The drug I take is called cyprostat (also known as androcur). It suppresses testosterone. Of the various kinds of antiandrogens that were out there, this one in particular seemed to have the most promise, the least amont of side effects, and the most predictable outcome per dosage. It is "unavailable" to purchase in the United States, so getting a prescription wasn't a choice. However, with the internet, finding an overseas supplier was a breeze. I ordered it online and began taking it on May 1, 2007. I began seeing results right away, however,... after a week I believe. 
 Since I began taking the drug (I take 100mg a day), I have this to report: 1) Almost total lowering of my libido! I'm very happy about this and I can't say that I miss it at all. 2) My depression has eased. I still have down days, since I regret the loss of intimacy as well as sex, and there appears to be little I can do about it. 
3) I'm growing hair on top of my head. I was almost totally bald from the crown of the head forward. You couldn't tell it by looking at my full head of hair now. The only side effect I dread is "man boobs". I think higher dosages are the main cause of that issue so I hope to avoid it. If I develop boobs, however, I'll still continue to take the cyprostat. 
I only recently confessed my self medicating to my wife. She and I have agreed to get couples counseling, but I have not expectations for any change at all in our relationship. For other men out there that suffer from the same problem that I have experienced, I offer my sincere prayers for your situation, and this advice: There are still a few options left in a sexless marraige.
gadzoocs gadzoocs
41-45, M
68 Responses Dec 28, 2007

Feel you man. I'm 29 and no girl looks at me twice intentionally regardless of my degrees, jobs, place, etc. I've started Androcur too.

Are you mad?

I hope your life changed to the better since this tragic message...
Hope you moved from sexlees to having plenty of sex...

Its nice to read yous story as i want to do the same. Im 50 do not sleep well and know im not any gond at sex as my gf has a hung black guy who she sees for the fun times
having sex to me is a chore regardless of how much i love her and want to not have the stress of an erection that doesnt satisfy her

Oh my god we could be teins. Add me pleade

Im 50 and the same as you

do you suppose this is real? I admit I have been close to this point but my God who is the abnormal one. Not the person with normal healthy desire! how utterly sad and absurd

thanks for your post. I only found "hug it out" results on google. Infuriating. As if you're not tortured but never thought of asking - please can the torture end? - ridiculous.

How sad........

All men suffered in sexless marriage with wives who approved medical castration should run like mad and check their they lost sense of reality and normality...

I guess I am one that doesnt believe in Marriage, and has never, ever cared about sex in even the slightest way. So matters like this are not applicable. I need no human interaction. Period.

Thanks for bumping up this comedic masterpiece from the past Micky24.

No problem

I'm a 24 year old woman looking for the same thing. I'm tired of being frustrated, resentful, disappointed and basicaly in a sexless marriage. Its been a 5 year problem, fights all the time and big depressions. I did recently find myself in love with another man and having an affair. But it turns out he was just using me and telling me everything to get me to fall for him, to keep getting what he wanted pretending we'd get together but it was all lies of course. So now I just want to get rid of my sex drive all together. I hate this stupid need I have and just want it to stop

I can't believe I've just read this. Does your wife know you've done this? I am horrified.

I suppose I can kind of understand it from the point of view of a couple with severe medical problems, but even then, these things aren't going to do you any good in the long term, surely. For a healthy person to do this really is a shock.

Apart from anything, you are denying your wife the joy of intimacy. Wouldn't it be better to give her back her sexual self-confidence and her desire?

Sexless marriage and a wife who constantly rejects is such a common thing, and there are plenty of people who pull themselves out of it. It's not about sex, it's about the dynamics of your relationship. I have come a long way since the bad old days where we made love once in a year at one stage. Now we're both happy with our (active) sex life again.

Ironically I recently found this which mirrors a lot of my experience in bringing our sex-life back from the dead. He has had a lot of similar experiences, but he makes it into a much clearer plan. www rekindle-her-desire dot com

Don't give in! Do something about it!

I dunno, Fool4Waiting. We all make compromises throughout our lives, and we mustn't be too sad about the things we give up, or we won't appreciate what we gain. A surprising number of guys take measures to reduce their sex drives, and they often speak of feeling 'liberated' from frustration. That's how I try to look at it anyway. I'd love to have a really good sex life, and one day in the future I might have one again, but for the time being I'm dealing with 'the way things are' as best as I can. I love my wife and I don't want to cheat. So...

I'm beginning to think the pharma companies were on to the problem of the SM long ago and many of the psychotropic drugs developed had an eye on the lessening effect on the sex drive that many have.

This is all very sad. That's my take. That is all.

I am one of those married men who has resorted to chemical castration in order to balance a sex drive mis-match. My wife has breast cancer and the hormone, chemo and steroid treatments have lowered her sex drive and ruined her sexual ability. These days her vagina is so fragile that penetration is uncomfortable to start with then gets sore and painful. I was always a high sex drive guy, which suited my wife ok in the early days, but I was going up the wall with frustration until I found ways to lower my sex drive. My doctor knows I occasionally use cyproterone acetate for a couple of weeks to calm my sex drive, and although she'd me not to, she understands why I do it. My wife would also prefer me not to have to, but she's pleased that I do it. I don't take the drug all the time - that doesn't seem necessary. I take a very small dose (about 3mg daily) for a week or so, and my sex drive falls away. I don't become totally impotent, but I stop thinking about sex so much. There are side effects - hot flushes, lack of energy and focus - which is why I don't try to take it full time. It takes many weeks for my sex drive to recover. This is not a perfect solution to the problem in our marriage, but it works for us, and we can't think of a better way. My carer support counsellor refers to my chemical castration as a 'sticking plaster' for my marriage. That's about right.

Gosh, I've been with this Sexless Marriage so long. Looks like all my stories I didn't mention the use of Spirolactane for 4 years and now much better Androcur. I really don't give a crap about sex. I am 22 year diabetic. I have major ED last couple of years and nerve damage (peripheral neuropathy); the surgeons just finished both legs to help the pain in both feet and my balance so I can continue walking.<br />
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On occasion, and I wrote in the recent past. It does bother me that she is sexless. She had a full hysterectomy at 38 yo and HRT doesn't work for her, they have tried them all.<br />
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So we are both nonfunctional, She has no desire, I sometimes get the strong desire, but can't do it. That's why Androcur helps me so much.

If HRT didnt work, it wasnt done correctly. 90+% of HRT is incorrectly prescribed by OB/GYN doctors for Hysterectomy Patients in the United States.. and that is so SAD, that its pathetic.

Dear Gadzoocs, i thought that i was the only one who will take such descision in the whole planet, even when i posted on community such a question to monitor the others opinion they thought that I'm a Troll and trying to make a discussion from a nonsence story.In fact, i have a wonderfull daughter of almost two years old, and i won't go for divorce or affair neither i like to spend the rest of my life over stressed. Knowing as well that i am a muslim living in Middle east where Society and Religion support any wife disgracing decision i could take, But i prefer to live in my family, raise my kid and enjoy life as a good father and loving husband.Now i found "Androcur" down here in Lebanon it's not that expensive, cheap actually but it is 10mg. I wanna ask your advice being experienced with this grug, how much mg i should take per day as a starter?

gadzoocs,Don't take this the wrong way but please let me be straight here, this woman you call your wife, stopped caring for you a long time ago my friend. Take the meds, its your choice, but why not divorce her anyway and live alone. You are probably a meal ticket anyway.You don't need her.The Love comes from one side only as far as I can read. Allow me to be forward here, but I just can't see that she cares for you at all. In fact she doesn't !<br />
What next ? If she hates the sound of your voice then you cut out your vocal chords? <br />
Wake up man ! You have your life still ahead of you here . Get rid of the tumor(wife) and send wifey back home to MOMY.

Hi<br />
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I'm in a very similar place as the OP.<br />
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I am going to speak to my doctor this week.<br />
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How are things going? Any updates?

You my friend are sad. You have no backbone you would rather cave in to a selfish women than to get out of a useless relationship. any women who would drive you to this is not worth being with. You have probably ruined your body and could never be intamate with someon else if you wanted. If you think this is love you are sadly mistaken and you are living proof some people will do anything to stay in crap.<br />
I will tell a women to go **** off before i would become a wimp and give up my sexuality nobody is worth that.

Best post I have read and I agree with samplerofife..

Maiming yourself is sick, and marital conditions that would support such self-maiming should be ENDED rather than extended through self-maiming. I would tell you to grow a pair but I'm not sure if you removed them chemically or never had them.

Male chastity devices are also an option. Have your wife lock you up and keep the key. The thrill of submitting to her can be more intense than sex and will last as long as she keeps you locked in. Many couples start out going for a couple of days and over time work their way up to weeks or even months at a time. Your passion and desire will grow and grow beyond what you thought possible. She, in turn, is free to tease you and is under no pressure to have more sex than she wants to.

To any man who is in a marriage where the wife doesn't want sex ask yourself these questions: could my wife be over tired? Would she like to go out on a date sometimes? Do I let her know that I love her often and not just in words but by my deeds and the way I treat her? Do I say things that put her down or make her ashamed of her body and feel like an unsexy person? Or do I tell her things that let her know that I ffind her desirable and think she's a sexy woman? How is the balance of giving and recieving in your marriage? If she is constantly doing more of the giving then you just may NOT be getting in the bedroom. One more thing--are you reallylistening to her needs sexually?

jon-<br />
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The answer is "maybe". However, you may be stuck with the breasts.

I have a question. Should things change in the relationship such as her regaining her interest or she predeceases me and I find someone else that has a libido as high as mine was before the treatment, will stopping the drug reverse the lack of libido on my part and I can regain my interest?

Very interesting. I have at times felt I needed to reduce my own libido to match my husband's.

Bazz, <br />
You must be shocked. You forgot your signature.

Well, I am a firm believer in exploring all sorts of options - and like to believe I am a lateral thinker, but I truly never thought of this option.<br />
Just goes to show, one can always learn something new.

I think there was a SNL skit where they were advertising this drug. It was called Balz-Off, the skit was pretty funny, but you have the real deal.<br />
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I will caution you however, low T-levels are associated with some negative health issues, specifically osteoporosis and vascular disease.<br />
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I am a libertarian, I think if this is what you want it is your choice to make! <br />
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I do think you should make it clear to your wife in no uncertain terms what you are doing and not hide it from her, yes you are chemically castrating yourself in order to tolerate the relationship. Would she take a medically approved dose of testosterone to increase her libido? This is actually available in the US unlike your choice.<br />
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I wish you the best, I am glad you are happy.

brother! I got to this web site because I have notice a reducction of my libido and I though , What if my wife or other family member is trying to chemically castrate me? you know mixing it on the tomato sauce? what possibility is there for this? Revelde-20

redczar, was this message to me or to Gadzoocs or whom?<br />
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I am deprived of sex, against my will; and I sure as HELL suffered as a result. And yes I'm medicating myself, because no doctor here will prescribe Androcur. And yes, I have found that the resulting libido reduction has given me the ability to do without sex and not be miserable. Those doctors don't know everything. Thank God for Low Libido!<br />
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I have not taken on female characteristics. I still wear men's clothes, use the men's washrooms, and am perfectly content to let it stay that way. My physical appearance hasn't changed.<br />
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There is only one thing that makes me different from the others on this forum: I never entered into any marriage contract. I was smart enough to know that marriage does not guarantee sex. The woman still has the right to say no.

The latest is that Androcur is now difficult to get in Mexico.<br />
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The person I paid to go over there and get it for me now finds that the pharmacies are not stocking it anymore. He says that that happened because it's just not in demand.<br />
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Is there any sure source? where I can place an order and really GET what I ordered? I don't care about contaminants anymore. I just need a TRACKING NUMBER when I order.<br />
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I'm willing to pay up to a thousand dollars a box of thirty tablets.

gadzoocs, what is the latest? How are the side affects? Man hoots and such? I am separated from my wife, primarily because of the same issue as you. I bought some depo provera but didn't take it because injecting myself seems so extreme. I like the idea of a pill so I am considering the androcur.<br />

I have been using androcur for a different reason. Women don't want anything to do with me. And that is why I got to hate having libido.<br />
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It feels so liberating to be able to do without any woman's affection and still not feel that sex is all that important!<br />
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Among men with autism, this problem is very common it's very common. One was so desperately unhappy that he seriously contemplated mutilating himself. And I told him: For GOD'S SAKE take Androcur!<br />
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I'm over 60 now and already had a testosterone level a little bit below normal. After I took it for a month and a half, 50 mg a day, and ended up sitting in a chair all day and not moving. <br />
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It was suggested to me that some of the side effects I suffered were due to contaminants, since Mexican pharmaceuticals have been known to be contaminated. Can I ever recover the virility of previous times? It doesn't matter. I can't imagine ever wanting to.<br />
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I'd appreciate help in getting some help in getting Canadian or European Androcur. The "Canadian pharmacy" web sites all require a prescription. And how the hell will I ever get that damn prescription?

I take androcur for the purpose of libido reduction, but I have never been in any marriage.<br />
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I find that women want nothing to do with me; I have been taken advantage of, and no woman has ever wanted to touch me unless I paid for it.<br />
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Other men who have autism or Asperger's Syndrome have said the same thing -- that because of the women treat them, their sexuality is a cross they have to bear and not any source of pleasure. Aren't there really lots of men out there who feel the same way for the same reason?<br />
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You all have probably heard of George Sodini, who went on a shooting rampage in a women's gym. Did he know that there is such a thing as Androcur?

Zoloft works for me, although I am female. It does not bother me so much to not have sex. I also exercise a lot, but I am afraid that he does not love me nor finds me attractive.

Gadzoocs,<br />
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I've read every thread here. I too am so like you it is almost eerie. I have alternated between Androcur (cypertone acetate) and spirolactone. One is bad for the liver the other is hard on the kidneys. Yes, I have gone from morning the 'death' of sex drive to resenting my wife to finding some peace along the way. With a 14, and 12 year old I have no intention of going anywhere.<br />
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The guys here that have made stupid suggestions (have an affair) just don't get it.<br />
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You may or may not be surprised at the thousands of men who like us have resorted to the same self-medicating approach (in-house pharmacy). I do not suspect you require any further validation for your decision and neither do I. <br />
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However, if you are interested check out Eunuch Archive and see for yourself. Yes there is the transgender community but there are also guys just like us.<br />
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Cheers, and best of luck, Hogger

I read this wonderful honest discussion with interest, being in a similar situation myself. I want to point out that the judgments that range on either side are cultural. My wife and I are involved in studying Eastern cultures in India, and it is a common religious more in certain philosophies there to renounce sex after a certain age. Some say 50, but it has been increased for modern times. the practice is called Bramacharia. Mahatma Ghandi did this as part of his spiritual practise. His autobiography discusses the psychology too. For him, the only sure-fire way of giving it up psychologically, with just a decision, was to take a solumn vow. You have to believe in who you are vowing to for that to work, however (could be yourself even). It is possible to do this by a decision, but it takes tremendous will. I did so for 6-months while in India and on returning to the US the thoughts flooded in. I hesitate to use drugs for anything because of side effects and addiction. I seriously wonder if there is no herb that can do this in a more natural way? In any case, know that you are not alone and that in fact there is one of the oldest cultures on the planet that was involved with this intentionally for thousands of years. Part of Bramacharia, of course, is to help one become self-realized. It is nearly impossible while lusting after other bodies. And those who transcend this level of desire find an incredible bliss and joy that does not compare with carnality. So, it is a time honored, very healthy, and honorable path if you choose it - sans drugs if you can do that. If interested read Ghandi's autobiography, or look into Vedic culture (pre Hinduism).

I thouroughly empathise with Gadzoocs story. I fully understand his point about the time it would take to go through all the past history. Being in a similar position, I have never spoken about it to anyone and I have also accepted there is no fix after all these years. I would love to hear an update from him about his self medicating. I came to EP while searching for help in losing my libido, I note the amazed comments about this and the solutions offered to Gadzoocs but you have to be there to understand. I do always wonder should I have taken the escape route, I certainly gave it serious thought especially when there was lots of very bad arguments between us over the issue but in a funny way I`m glad now I did`nt. There were other compensations like being there always for my son and being proud of the young man he`s grown into. Over the years i`ve come to accept the situation and went with the good things. However the problem with an outlet for my own drive has proven very difficult to say the least and over the years i`ve tried all the self methods and well there`s only so much of that you can do before it wrecks your head, like not being able to talk to any female without fantasising and constantly sex on the mind.<br />
It took me a long time and a lot of prayers to get away from that particular place.<br />
So there I was going along still struggling but getting better when I started having bladder problems and was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Fortunately it was very early stages and 4wks ago had surgery and all is OK, but the point in relating above is the conversation with my GP and Urologist about the side effects of sugery one as you probably know is sexual function problems which in both conversations I passed it over as saying I would me more concerned about incontinence problems, I could`nt bring myself to mention a sexless marriage.<br />
So I`m hoping my function does`nt come back but if it does I was thinking of asking the urologist to prescribe medication similar to Gadzoocs. Of course the physical does`nt deal with the mental but I feel without one it would be easier to deal with the other.

No damn way would I do that to myself.

For the number of comments you can see that this is a topic that has many men concerned. I to live in your shoes. I do not know what or how to deal with the separation from my wife. Oh, you get use to it after years of pretending that it does not matter. I put my faith in God and ask him for his blessings. I will pray for you.

I read your story and find it interesting. I am in a similar situation with my relationship and for a while looked into the therapy you describe. I have been using a combination of diet, exercise and meditation instead. I that does not continue to work, I'll probably start doing what you are doing.<br />
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I hope you have found the lowest dose possible that still keeps your libido to manageable levels to minimize irreversible changes to your physiology and have let your doctor know that you are taking the substances that you are using as they can interfere with dosage requirements of other medications.<br />
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Good luck to you.

Update: I took a month off of the androcur because my nip ples were itching like mad and were sensitive. The libido came back at the end of the month and as soon as the pain stopped I got back on. 25mg a day now and the pain and itch are gone and the libido is back under control. What does my wife think about it? Sex has never been a priority with her so she really doesn't care (except that the pills are kinda expensive).

I should have added my own experience. I had a similar partnership. Jana's lack of libido was due to the medication (Zyprexa) she took. I choose to change the life and went for 5 months trip to South America. It was selfish but helpful. We keep friendship. She actually kinda broke with me as she found a man some 2 months after my departure.

I understood you valued your relationship but there are 2 of you in it. Your wife might be lucky to have you but your actions were not that great as you did not discuss it with her beforehand. Instead, you took action like a some testosterone-doped dyke:) Not wise. She should have had her say. It would be better for the relationship to be cuddling again had she taken opposite drug or therapy. What you made feels like you tried to save a marriage where not only sex but also the communication was missing. Thus you would acted selfishly and cowardly (fear of loosing the married status security). It would be interesting to hear her side of the story. Anyway god blesses all who try new stuff extravaganzas.

I just want to congratulate you on your decision and for sharing your story. I've contemplated doing research into this area for years. I've still been to unsure to do any real digging on the subject. I think if you're able to maintain yourself in decent physical, & emotional shape, it's a win win situation. She wins, & You win. Good luck with life, let us know how things progress if you don't mind. & I'll be doing a bit of research the drugs. <br />
I sure hate the thought of losing any of the little muscle I have, or getting bigger man boobs ;)<br />
regards,<br />

Woo Hoo some more positive comments! Thank you, thank you!<br />
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Altagirl: My spouse is accepting my taking the drug — for now. She's not into discussing it and I'm fine with that. The thing I have to watch is taking my meds when she is around. She cringes when she sees me pop the pill out of the foil package. <br />
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Lovesickdog: I had mentioned chemical castration to my wife about a year before I took the plunge. Her reaction was similar and afterwards I felt similar to your reaction. When I finally was able to purchase and start the drug, I did it totally on stealth. One reason why was I decided that if I didn't like the "side effects" I could always quit and no one would even notice. The other reason I didn't tell her was that I wanted to see for myself if this would really work well enough for me to still live in this situation but be able to finally deal with it. When, after 6 months of it, I did decide that it was working, I came clean with her. I let her know everything and placed heavy emphasis on the fact that I was happy (well, actually no longer depressed, but I do have spells of happiness). Although this conversation we had was several hours long and emotional at times, she was able to feel okay about my decision... see certainly couldn't argue with my rationale.<br />
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We are going into therapy together in April. Partly to discuss the sexual delimma, but mainly to discuss our marriage in general and look for ways to improve our relationship. We get along fine, but things could always be better. <br />
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Thanks for the supportive comments!

I've looked into chemical castration myself, but mentioned it to my wife before proceeding. She had a panic attack, and I left it alone. In hindsight, I don't think she was in the right to make such big stink about it. It wasn't really about her, anyway, but about making myself more comfortable with my inescapable situation. She's got no right to have an opinion about it at all, come to think of it.<br />
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I noticed from your other story that you have a daughter from this marriage. That's one piece of the puzzle I think a lot of your plan's detractors are missing. When therapeutic options have been exhausted, ************'s not working, and divorce and infidelity are not an option due to consideration of the kid(s), drastic measures, start to seem... well, less unattractive anyway. <br />
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It's like Sherlock Holmes always said: "Once you've eliminated the impossible, whatever's left, however improbable, is your solution".

I believe very much in personal choice, thank you for sharing one possible solution. Unless I have missed something, is your wife now accepting of yu taking the drug? If a couple had a difference in sex drive, discussed the drug and agreed to it I think that would be a couples decision and their business.

As for the side effects pointed out by Wacky, let me share here that I have lost some muscle strength and have noticed my breasts do appear a little larger. Neither have been significant yet enough for me to change directions. Since I have been on anti-depressants for years, they may very well have short circuited any depression that may be brought on by a loss of testosterone. In reality, I've not felt this good for such extended periods of time in years! <br />
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The reality of my situation, like so many others that have posted to this particular forum of sexless marraiges, didn't open up very many options to explore,... and I feel like I've explored or entertained all my options. To date, I still insist that for all of its downfalls, this drug has done far more good than all other options available to me.

Well As I have posted before...Nature took care of my wife has never had much of a sex drive and I adjusted to less and less because I learned if I hoped to get any at all it was best not to try to argue for more. but about the same time my wife was having Menapause and deciding it was time to " Stop all that foolishness" I added High Blood pressure meds to My diabeties and ended up pretty much fully Impotent..even Viagra or Levitra do not work! so even if my libdo is not reduced there is really not much I can do about it except manualy anyway so probably the best is that wife never wants it because it's not working! and after 6 years I can say while I my still be horny I really do not miss intercourse all that much. I don't even fantasize about it anymore!

You are so great and your wife is so lucky to have.God Bless you

After reading your story I could not help but feel sad for you. I feel that one of the greatest gifts we have as people is the ability to feel what we feel during sex. Similar to the doctors in the U. States medication to lower your drive would be at the far extreme end of the list. Honestly on my list the options for lose of sex would be like most men: ****, open relationship, polygamy, ... then at the bottom right above medication would be divorce. Its sad but if that kind of change is in order than its called for. Hope you start to use less medications to feel better. Sincerely.

Yeah, it is certainly unhealthy, I'll grant you that. It is beating the alternatives at the moment, however. I'm on my 9th month now and still positive about the experience.

I understand why you are doing it. And i know when someone is in love they always put thier mate first, to thier own detriment at times, but i understand. Regardless of if its right or wrong ethically, or if its the smartest thing to do, i'll leave that alone because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I just don't think it is healthy. There is a reason why so many doctors here in the states refused to do it for you.

I stopped m**********g a few years ago (well, not entirely but it was down to a couple of times a year). The problem became one of having to have to make up fantasies about other women. I would fantasize about my wife and the days back when we were dating, but that started making me realize that those days were gone for good and I would get the blues. Soon after that, my fantasies of other women started making me resentful because I would realize that these were women I would never have. All in all, it just became too problematic to make it worthwhile,... so I stopped. At least all of the callouses are gone!

I have a doctor's appointment soon so I'll ask him about the implecations of switching over. I've always heard that going off of Effexor is like getting off of heroin. Maybe if I just switch to a similar dosage I can avoid any unpleasant side effects. Thanks for the tip!

Good comments here lately. I've been corresponding with LMCowles about a list of questions that he sent. I deeply appreciate his interest here.<br />
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OBFL851 — When I originally began the androcur, I wanted an escape claus to back out of the whole thing if I needed to. I had met real "eunuchs" over my period of research who started off with antiandrogens first and then proceeded to do the snip if it was a lifestyle they could live with. I suspect I'll be happy with the androcur. Who knows, when I'm 70, I may change my mind about all of this.<br />
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JeffC -- I am on Effexor, but I don't know what class of anti depressants they are. I do know that they inhibit the big O in a lot of people. I never seemed to have that issue, but I know folks that do. My own doctor never once asked me why I wanted to get antidepressants! I just waltzed into his office, made my request and he wrote a prescription. Go figure. At any rate, I had hoped that they would have helped me with my libido as well but they had no effect. Perhaps I should consider switching? <br />
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JacquesPierre -- As for monkey spanking and the like, I stopped getting any satisfaction out of that a couple of years ago. Strangely (or not) it made me resent my wife that much more so I just stopped. I suspect you have made an accurate clinical assessment of my mental faculties. It sure does feel that way sometimes!

I appreciate how the majority of people on this web site are very sensitive and considerate of how others feel, I than all of you for that.<br />
With that said, I often bite my tongue and don't say what I really feel for fear of "hurting" one's feelings. I think that has been a factor as to why my marriage is in its present state. So then, there is also times when we need to cut the bull and say it like it really is!!!!<br />
OK, here goes, You are F'n crazy man, may seem nobel, like you put your wife first and all that crap. But wake up dude, you are screwing with your body, man ****? There comes a point when enough is enough, and you have reached that point, **** can the drugs and go see a shrink!!! As one of the old saying goes, "spanking the monkey" is much safer and less side effects!<br />
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With all respect,<br />

WOW - very interesting. I too have looked into what you are doing, but never so deep and I decided to stay horny for the next phase of my life (after i divorce). I think i would rather have my wife take something to get her back up to speed with me rather than me stooping to her level.<br />
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Why don't you just have your testicles removed? I looked at that option too, but i admit it was mostly for a amusement. Did you know that your wife (spouse) needs to sign papers in order for you to cut off your jimmys? - yep, check it out in the internet land, look at sex change articles. <br />
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Well, if what your doing is working for you then good luck to you.


ok my id

Thank you for your posting on this site. I hope all is going well with your marriage. First I must say that I have a wonderful marriage and sex life, and I am sorry to hear about yours, but... In light of your wifes lack of libido, I respect your decision to join her. In fact I applaud your decision. In this day in age it would be all too easy for you to divorce her and move on. I have the uttermost respect for you, for not following the ways of this world. <br />
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I truly believe we should have a choice to decrease libido if we want to!

Very interesting commentary. I wish to point out that I've not gone into the previous 10 year history of all of the things I've tried to do to fix my marriage (including discussing the problem multiple times with my wife). It would take hours to recap that history so I won't go into it here. You'll just have to trust me when I say that Androcur was definitely not the first solution on my list. However, I would like to make a point here but first I have an argument to defuse. (This is going to be a long one, so let me apologize up front.)<br><br />
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Whether we were designed intelligently or if we evolved from apes, humans have always had only a handful of basic drives: eat, sleep, shelter, procreate,… maybe even in that order. <br><br />
<br><br />
Ever since someone figured out how to fasten wood together, shelter has just been getting better and better. Sleep is still a mystery to me, but most of the time it takes care of itself.<br><br />
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That leaves eating and perpetuating the species. <br><br />
<br><br />
Eating has only recently become easier, and, even then, only if you live in advanced societies and you happen to have money or food stamps. But in the recent past (and in some modern parts of the world today), you had to spend the better part of the day either growing, gathering, or hunting for your meals. There wasn't this thing of getting up in the morning and wondering if you will have your eggs over easy or scrambled. If you didn't have either a chicken, a McDonald's or a Kroger's, then you got up and went looking for that egg. <br><br />
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This was life for us for THOUSANDS of years. The vast majority of humans on Earth didn't waste time or waste food. We hunted, we gathered, or we starved. Starvation was always a reality and our brains and bodies became hard-wired to avoid it. The brain recognizes the signals of starvation and it immediately kicks the body hard to go out and get food before you die.<br><br />
<br><br />
Fast-forward to the past several decades or so, and our culture began to experience something that it didn't have before: food in abundance. And not just abundance, but inexpensive abundance. Government subsidized abundance. Abundant food, well preserved, prepared in a variety of ways, and served frozen, fresh, or straight out of the microwave. <br><br />
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Now we have a nation of obese people, and partly because we transitioned so fast and so completely that our brains never developed a way to click off the starvation defense.<br><br />
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People overeat fattening foods and then go on diets and suddenly that piece of brain that is used to keeping us alive becomes over-active. The dieter losses weight out of sheer will power, and then gains back all the weight plus an extra 20 lbs. should famine ever happen again. The brain has conquered the starvation and helped us pack on some extra fat should we need it again.<br><br />
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Now, the last drive I want to discuss then is sex. We are driven to have sex. And to enjoy it, too, or else I'm sure we would have died out as a species long ago. <br><br />
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Sex was chiefly designed for us to perpetuate our species. For centuries we made babies for all kinds of reasons; more boys to tend the farm, protect the home, hunt for food, fight in the armies. More girls to tend the families, become family and farm-animal healers, prepare the meals, and make more babies. The chances of your baby surviving were not good so you made as many as you could. <br><br />
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Our brains are hard-wired to have sex. It is no wonder that men get accuse of "thinking with their di*ks" because it just so happens that the correlation is there. If you are a follower of Maslow, you can imagine that after the man settles the shelter, sleep, and food needs, then, by golly, the next thing is to build the clan (and then worry about belonging, self-esteem, self actualization, etc., but I digress).<br><br />
<br><br />
Fast forward to today. In our society we have babies because we love babies. That's it.<br><br />
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But we don't raise the size of families that we once did just 3 or 4 generations ago. (Please bear in mind, I'm discussing a western culture here, and intentionally not discussing faith groups or non-eurocentralized cultures. I'm referring to the average American Joe and Jane. I have dozens of friends, most of them married, and there isn't a single group of them that have more than 3 children.)<br><br />
<br><br />
So, the argument that I want to defuse has to do with sex in our modern society. Sex is no longer a way to make babies. It is something we do because we are driven to do it. We AVOID making babies almost every time we have sex. And when one of us wants to stop having sex, then WE LEAVE THEM because the drive is so strong that we cannot help but to "think with our di*ks" (or whatever the female equivalent for this might be). <br><br />
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We are gluttons for sex to the point that it is on all the TV shows, movies, music videos, books, etc.,... and none of it has anything to do with having babies! It has everything to do with self-indulgence. And when we cannot indulge ourselves in the relationships we have, we have new relationships. This is all fine and dandy unless you love someone who just doesn't have the desire to indulge themselves in that fashion. <br><br />
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What then to do?<br><br />
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So now, here is my point: we need to have a diet for the sexual appetite. No, really.<br><br />
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And, let me tell you friend, I'm actually enjoying mine, at the moment. If it were not for the Androcur, I couldn't function within my marriage. Now that my sex drive is level with my wife, I have a happy, healthy life that was impossible to imagine just 7 months ago.<br><br />
<br><br />
But this sort of solution is frowned upon by our society. There isn't a doctor in town that would put me on this drug for the purpose of my "sexual diet." Instead they would rather try to treat my wife with bottles of medication, hours of counseling, or have us go into sexual therapy, or try a variety of other "solutions."<br><br />
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But not destroy a perfectly good sex drive.<br><br />
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I have been told that I'm insane, that I'm unhealthy, and that I'm just plain wrong for "putting up" with a sexless marriage. I've been told to leave my wife or, better yet, "get some on the side." Now what is the health benefit of that, I wonder?<br><br />
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No, friends, I like my solution best. There is something to be said for the sex diet. Just look at me, why I lost my sex drive on this diet and gained my happiness!</p>

you have drank the koolaid
this is dumbest thing ive ever heard
your wife broke you down and took your life sexuality and your balls if you ever had any.

I am not sure I understand your logic. You could also start doing crack cocaine, that would make you really happy…. but you don’t.

I used to be like you, thinking about loving my wife until it dawned on me that withholding sex is just as abusive as beatings, except that it leaves no physical scars….

To expand on Maslow, had someone locked you in a room withholding food (a primal need), we would all consider it abuse. Yet someone locking you into a sexless (another primal need) relationship is considered acceptable by our modern society?

Gadzoocs:<br />
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You reported that you wife "lost" her libido by its ebbing away. Well, if the boat that you employed to safely carried you from one side of a lake to another were to slowly ebb away from the shore and drift away, would you not make a concerted effort to recover it? Again, it appears that your wife has decided that you and she are going to reside in a sexless marriage and you appear to being doing things to yourself to accommodate her personal decision. Again I ask, when did your wife advise and consult with you before she decided on a sexless marriage? My impression is that she did not seek your advise, agreement, or counsel. Again I ask, if she is the one deciding on a sexless marriage, then why are you having to take drugs to lower your desires to the zero level equal to that of your wife? You report that your have finally found a way to bring a little peace into your life. However, your taking drugs, as androcur, is not dealing with the issue of the sexless marriage. You appear OK with suppressing a normal male libido that originally did not appear to be broken. The fact that you reportedly only admitted that to her a few weeks ago that you were subjecting your body to drugs because she desired on a sexless marriage appears to indicate at least five things. 1.) You have not indicated that your wife has attempted to recover or locate that which SHE LOST. 2.) You appear to be enabling her choice for a sexless marriage and avoiding confronting on the issue. 3.) If she let the boat of romance or intimacy ebb away from the dock of you marriage bed, then she is responsible for finding it and returning it to the dock of your marriage bed and not you. You can help her search for your love boat, but if she loast it, then it is her responsibility to find it again. 4.) She has a 'duty' to the marriage and so do you. Because she does not fe...........el like having sexually relations with you does not relieve her of her responsibility to actively contribute to a portion of the fabric and structure that holds a marriage together. How would she respond if you reported that you do not fe..........el like ever going to work again in order to provide for her and your family. How would she fe............el if you desired that she was going to have to work for both of you in order to keep the marriage together. 5.) Are your wife's feelings and decisions greater than yours? I appears that you believe that her feel..........ings are more important than yours. YOu are punishing your body and suppressing your normal male functions because of your wife's feel........ings. Although feel.....ings are given more weight in our current dysfunctional culture, "feel....ings' are not equal to or greater than thought. Therefore, think about what you have put your body and feelings through to accomdate you wife's decision to have a sexless marriage.

wow kudos to you that is sticktoitiveness if ive ever seen it. I think I'd rather change partners before my libido. your wife is quite lucky to have you make that change. does she appreciate you?

ok my id

Like others, I respect your decision because it's your life but I'm sad for you that it came to this. Somehow there has to be a different alternative.

Gadzoocs,<br />
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I understand the logic of what you are doing, and it could turn out to help you live a happier life. Why do you use the phrase "chemical castration" though? If you were to phrase it differently, in terms of libido reduction medications, I bet more men would show an interest, especially with the side effect of hair growth. Myself, I've been trying to cut back on master*ba*tion and **** watching, as that seems to hotwire my libido making me horn*ier. Good luck though, with your experiment. Please do keep us up to date on how things go!<br />
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I too contemplated this route...but in the end, I went with basically what jln99 is advocating. I don't take testosterone or anything else, but I try to keep myself in reasonable shape.<br />
Focused...while I don't disagre with your is funny the twists and turns the mind takes. The situations we are all in affect each differently. I know I went down the path of considering ways to lower my libido....<br />
But - I like living too much. Now...I need to get out of the funk I am in. Without any form of drugs.... (But to each his own - choice is a wonderful thing).<br />
-Try again with the wife?<br />
-Secret Affair? (And try like hell to keep it secret)<br />
-Or split and be done?

please keep in touch. you are the only person i have heard of that is doing what you are doing. i am familiar with the drug by research. i would be afraid to use it or recommend it. please do the psych tests for a baseline and then every 6 months to prevent possible mental issues. goodl luck

I am a little confused here. It appears that your wife has decided that you and she are going to reside in a sexless marriage and you appear to being doing things to yourself to accommodate her personal decision. Is that correct? Did you wife even advise and consult with you before she decided on a sexless marriage? If she is the one deciding on a sexless maarriage, then why are you having to take drugs to lower your desires to the zero level equal to that of your wife?