Love & Hate

I am 31 and i've been married for 9 years, but we have been together since we were 11. Sometimes I think we just grew apart, I dont know but I miss what we used to have. We recently moved from Southern c.a. to Northern c.a. and I feel completely alone. My children dont like it out here nor do I. he has family out here and dont. We dont talk anymore we dont even cuddle let alone have sex. Its weird even when we do have sex I dont feel anything between us anymore.
ddstampfli ddstampfli
31-35, F
7 Responses Dec 29, 2007

Many years ago, 1998, my husband, similarly forced my family to move to a location that was abhorrent to me. I begged and pleaded but to no avail. After we arrived at the new location, and moved into the one hundred year old house, three stories plus basement, he began to cause fights everytime I initiated sex, and tried to stop it. And then, claimed it was all my fault and was very angry and slept elsewhere, not uncommon, even after a sexual encounter due to his sleep apnea.
Within that first year issues around sex became more and more a matter of dispute, and he did not seem to have anything like normal interest. To that point, we had been having sex five to seven times per week for thirteen years, and suddenly, he hit me with impotence problems, inability to climax, and that he really didn't ever like sex all that much, had always just gone along to please me, and that we were too old to be having that much sex, anymore (both age 31, at the time). He wouldn't go to the doctor, seemed exhausted and depressed and became increasingly thoughtless toward both me and our son.
To make a long story short, I discovered on November 5, 2007, that he was a **** addict, watching 40 or more hours of **** a week, in order to pick his pick or picks or the night, all far removed from where I slept, and after having feigned going to bed, elsewhere in the house. Obviously, he had his own computer, more than one, external hard drives, etc., but that, in itself, was nothing strange, given his job, nor was his not allowing those computers to be used by anyone else. We had plenty of other devices in the house, anyway.
He was taking speed, had wracked up over one hundred thousand dollars in secret debt (**** leads inexorably to other things.) He was also impotent. I had no idea about this epidemic, when I discovered his problem, but if a woman is in a sexless marriage, and there are no signs of an affair, hookups are harder to know about or trace, start looking for ****. Oh, and he was impotent with me, and no, I am not hideous -- 5'8" 126 lbs., black hair, green eyes, C -D cup, depending on bra, nothing horrible, I assure you. So, take note for you are not immune, no matter.

Sounds like he didn't concider your needs when he moved to a place that is only good for him. So now you are not considering his needs. You need to speak to him and possibly get marriage counciling. He needs to compromise so that you can both be happier. Marriage is about both of you not just one of him.

you guys have a shot with some counsiling. you did not mention any major patholigies. no alcohol, drug, adultery or **** issues. please get your guy into counsiling. if he is not willing then you have a bigger problems. join a church and you will find some friends. good luck

DD & RC,<br />
<br />
I hate to meet you under these circumstances, and have to welcome you to our sad company. But know that you are among those that understand the sexual abuse that is sexual neglect and sexual rejection. <br />
<br />
It's not you – it's your spouse who has a problem.<br />
<br />
You're not alone – there are others suffering this same plight.<br />
<br />
You're not wrong – you have every right to expect a great sex life.<br />
<br />
We can make things better by working together.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
(Hey, just ignore those who have slipped in among us to tell us how it's our fault for even expecting sexual pleasures...)

Ladies, it happens to men to. I was moved to a spare bedroom 16 yrs ago, menapause. There has been no sex for 6 years, pain as a result of menapause. She has never seen a Dr. for the problem. The last time I opened a talk it was "OK, but use plenty of ky jelly, hurry but be gentle." During a trip sleeping in the same bed I made my move & thought she was going to jump out the window.....I think that meant NO.<br />
I have tried to just not think about sex thinking she would come back around. Now I am not sure she ever will. <br />
I am now 64 & find the fire can be rekindled but have no idea where to start. I do not want to go outside this marriage,& because of the 2 best grandkids in the world I don't want to end it. They are her daughters sons.<br />
I don't know why I am even on this forum as there is no answer & putting these things in print are making me resent her more & more.

sex with my husband is actually akward now, i am just at a point where i don't even ask for it anymore. i feel your pain and you are not alone. best wishes to you.

I know exactly how you feel, it's the same story for me. I've told him that I feel like a total stranger is having sex with me. We have not had sex for 3 months. Prior to that we maybe had sex once a month. I don't even know how to approach the subject, let alone how to act on it! I've been considering buying a 'toy' but that is not what I want! I want to be held, cuddled, loved and feel appreciated and no toy is going to do that for me...I have also been considering an affair. I never thought I would do that, but I am beginning to understand why people do. My needs are not being met and I am so tired and I feel so lonely, lost and defeated. We don't talk anymore either. Our daughter is grown, just bought her first home. She moved out 2 years ago. <br />
I honestly don't think he'd even care if I were to have an affair, and that hurts the most, I think. <br />
We've been married for 17 years. <br />
I've been reading anything and everything I can find about avoiding divorce, saving a relationship, you name it! I have learned alot about myself, and alot about him. But I can't save it by myself, especially if he doesn't want to save it. So, what I decided to do is this: I have to make myself happy and change my behavior. I have taught him how to treat me and he has taught me how to treat him. So if I change the way I treat him, and he still doesn't care, then I will change myself right out of his life. I can't sit around here and WAIT for him to make me happy, I have to make that happen for myself. If he decides to join me, GREAT! If not, I tried and that's all I can do. I love him enough to try and change what is not working. I will soon find out if he feels the same.<br />
Good luck to you, I hope things get better! I am here for you if you need to talk.