Can Someone Help Me With A Divorce?

I've been with my wife for 8 years, we met in college.  We struggled with our sex life for 7 of those years.  I asked for therapy on year 3 of being together, she refused.  Fast forward to year 9, we finally went to therapy, went to 4 now including a sex therapist.  Pretty much all of them at the end told me "You have a decision to make here.  If you're wife will not change and you are unhappy, then you have to make a decision."  The last one finally said to me, "You know my first husband never really changed until I told him I wanted out.  I'm not saying that's what you should do, I'm just letting you know your options."

I realized after much introspection that I held on to fantasy.  My wife is beautiful, smart,  blonde, blue-eyed, an amazing body.  I couldn't fathom seeing her with another man, and I couldn't let go of my fantasy that I was with the beautiful wife of my dreams.  But isn't it epic that I can't have sex with her?

I have always made close to double her income since we were married, so I know I will have to part with a lot of my own money and contributions to our combined savings.  I want to divorce because I earn a lot more than she does and frankly, I really don't see the situation changing any longer and all I'm doing is making myself poorer financially, and wanting to kill myself every other day for my miserable situation.

I can honestly say I've tried everything - really everything, but a full blown Tiger Woods affair - or a divorce.  I think a divorce will either change her or at least give me a chance at life.  If I still want to kill myself after being depressed for god knows how long, I guess that's always an option.

I believe we will do this one amicably.  We have no children.  We own no property, just bank savings accounts and retirement accounts.

Can someone provide some guidance on how to do this right, and without lawyers?   I live in California.

How do I ask for it?  How quickly does it happen once filed?

findinganswers findinganswers
26-30, M
9 Responses Sep 11, 2010

I did my divorce myself, without any help from a lawyer or any professional other than educating myself on the divorce laws of my state. It was fairly easy. People think that you are required to use the services of a lawyer,...not so. You just need a brain. <br />
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With that being said, even though we have two children and owned some property, what we didn't have was money. If I had money that I was trying to protect I would uses a lawyer. An uncontested divorce filed by a lawyer should not be too expensive and in your case well worth it.

NoIdeasLeft, <br />
He can do better than hire the best lawyer: he can get a free consultation from every single lawyer in the vicinity. That way, his wife is snookered. If she goes to any of those lawyers, they will have to refuse her as a client. <br />
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That is not my original idea, by the way. I lifted it from a divorce support site.

California is a community property state, you'll lose 50%. So go to a lawyer AND a financial advisor simutaneously, they are NOT the same. Go first, get the papers filed, and serve her yourself if she's so nice. Filing the papers will protect you from her draining your bank account for charging up credit cards and you being responsible for them. You will be co-habitating for awhile (you'll probably have to leave), you'll still be 50% responsible for whatever leases and bills are outstanding in both your names. Sit down and tell her the truth, calmly. Don't sugar coat it, but don't fight. Tell her why you want out, give her the papers and leave the room. Do not fight with her - AT ALL. Have a place ready to go to in case you cannot stay there. Do not try to kick her out. If you are the primary breadwinner, keep paying the bills like you have been until the divorce is final. DO NOT have an affair, if you are having an affair, stop it or put it on hold, although I doubt California would case since it's 50% no matter what. If she's working, she'll be responsible for her own future. If she's been staying at home per an agreement with you, then you may have to pay her rehabilitative alimony for a short period of time.<br />
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Get out but be smart about it.

My family's business was legal services. I've seen thousands of divorce cases go through legal process and I have to say, There are a million ways that divorces get messed up and the mistakes can haunt you forever and you'll end up needing a lawyer to get you out of the mess you created anyway. <br />
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Even lawyers let other lawyers represent them. You could also look into mediation which is guided by an attorney. Best of luck to you.

First of all, DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIGID WIFE THAT YOU WANT A DIVORCE. Keep things cool. Maintain the status quo. Pretend that everything is fine. <br />
Second, check out: wwwDOTsecretdivorceDOMcom <br />
Third, go see a lawyer and plan your divorce. <br />
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Keep things quiet. Do not even hint at divorcing before you are ready to serve the papers to her.

I wish you good luck... I am in a similar situation.... I am trying to solve it now....<br />
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I just wanted to tell you you are not the only one..... and one of the big reasons why my marriage went bad was because of no sex..... I really became bitter.....<br />
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get the divorce and get a girlfriend.... make sure she likes sex....

I have to agree. You need a lawyer. Even if she is a great person, when feelings get involved-and how can they not when such a major life change happens- people can lose perspective. We just had a member who left and when he went to collect his things, they were "accidentally" left out in the rain or "the maid stole them".

Trying to divorce without a lawyer when you are the primary breadwinner - is truly insane. A lawyer is an expert in divorce and you are going to need calm, skilled advice or you are going to make very bad, and very expensive mistakes.

Step 1, prepare yourself for a range of possible reactions. Her BEST possible reaction will simply be to calmly agree. <br />
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Her WORST possible reaction will be to pretend she never really understood how much this bothered you, promise to change and get PREGNANT AS QUICKLY AS SHE CAN. She will then use the baby as her means of keeping you around for most of the remainder of your sexual peak. She will use the pregnancy as the excuse for not wanting sex. And then the newborn. And then the demands of being a parent. <br />
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Your mission - if you actually ever want to have a relationship with someone who loves YOU, is to extract yourself from the marriage as quickly as possible without giving her ANY chance at getting pregnant. If you feel the need to have sex - wear a condom. Keep your condoms away from her. <br />
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The SAFEST move is to talk to a lawyer, file the papers and from the point of filing spend as little time in the same residence as possible. She is not going to like the idea of losing your W2.