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The Emasculation Of Men

This is just a little observation that I have had in recent months. My fling with the other woman has opened my eyes to the plight of many of my friends. This, by no means, applies to all men. Just the few that I know who are in sexless marriages.

As a refresher, my sex life was fantastic. My wife began to hang around a new group of friends who were all refusers, and she caught the nasty habit, too.

I have seen men, good, hard working men, reduced to puppets from this sexlessness.

My best friend, was raised by a single mother and worked his way through college to become a very successful man. His wife was and is a refuser. The poor guy, who is very well respected, continually makes belittling jokes about himself about his plight with his wife. I could see his confidence waning slightly, but I think he is getting some outside attention, because he is bouncing back.

Another buddy of mine, who more recently became sexless, has been also reduced to making belittling jokes about himself. He also has adopted a little whine in his voice and flirts with every woman he can find to make his wife jealous to get her attention. She could care less. He has taken up drinking pretty heavily and argues with her. She acts like he is crazy.

A newer friend, who has had his sex life decline since his wife began hanging around the crowd, also became quite neurotic. He became very jealous and his wife also told him that he was crazy. He bends over backwards trying to please his wife and everyone else. He has become very nervous.

Lastly, the one guy that has never been bothered by the situation once told me, "my wife can't cut me off. She doesn't know where I'm getting it." Good for him.

So, as I see it, if this plague is spreading like I think it is, it is very detrimental to men. I see what were once strong and confident men drinking too much, people-pleasing, and losing their self-confidence.

I think the problem runs deep. Every show on TV portrays men as weak and unintelligent. Any strong role models that are out there are constantly hammered in the media. Men and women are really lacking in strong role models.

I hope this post made sense. I'm just trying to connect some ideas I have gotten from my situation.
ManMovingForward ManMovingForward 41-45, M 32 Responses Sep 12, 2010

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'one guy that has never been bothered by the situation once told me, "my wife can't cut me off. She doesn't know where I'm getting it." Good for him'

Good one. On another note. Men and women alike are hurting in loveless, sexless marriages. Hence the cruelty seems less than gender specific.

Very interesting points you make... I can identify with you and the situation. I have not surrendered to this idea that my life with my wife is going to be sexless. Yes there are problems. Has been for years.... I am (sometimes we), are working thru the problems... So i have no real answer to the sexless marriage situation. First I think that many spouses, men or women, if given the chance, will take advantage of the other spouse. This may be a sign of the times or a reflection of our sometimes sad society..... In general we humans are weak, fragile, emotional and unsure of ourselves. To gain security some seek to gain the upper hand on a spouse by being critical of the other person (look up critical theory for an interesting background on this theory). Then the bad spouse accuses the other of not being good enough or not doing what they think they should and then they may or may not offer a solution to the problem in the immediate argument. The other person usually defines you as bad in some way.. then they offer up a solution, a change for you that meets their definition of the ideal. One spouse expects the other spouse to change to meet that expectation.... Ask yourself, who made them judge and jury? Yes listen to your spouse and maybe one or the other needs to change in some way to enhance the relationship. However, my observation is that many people will seek to control the other and they will manipulate others it means they win or get what they want. The attempt to feel strong, better or in CONTROL leads some to demean others. Resist, resist their attempt to vilify you. You are not a bad person because you see things differently... My thought is men (or women) need to stand firm.....don't act as if you are a lesser person because they attack or criticize you...... By all means be courtesy to the other, but stand firm. Ask questions, seek to understand their point, use logic and reasoning and rarely use emotional means to make your point and hold your ground. But by all means hold your ground on the issue of your personal identity and integrity. Some women's magazines or TV programs explain how to tear men down so the woman can re-construct the man in their image or the image defined by the most recent feminist magazine article. If you need to change then do...but don't just change to make them happy....once they learn to control you by this means, they will keep using it until you are a shell of a person.... unable to be who you are....There is an old saying...."better to discuss something with settling then to settle it with discussing it." So discuss it.....Also on the issue of bad company.... work to keep your spouse away from bad influences. Get them to spend time with you. Be a good influence... The only thing you should be negative about are busy bodies, those people who meddle in other people's business by judging them without knowing all the facts.... Those are the truly bad people. We live in a complex world... I am constantly surprised at what people will do to get the upper hand. On a number of occasions, i respond with you know that is not true, or just laugh and shake my head.... when people try to confuse fact with fiction... resist the stupidity that says you don't deserve sex or the you are a bad person because you want to have sex.... We married the other person for a variety of reasons, but sex is in the top three. Some days it was/is the #1 reason.... That is part of the marriage deal... I took that part of the ceremony "to have and hold" seriously.....:) This is my 2 cents.... Hope i did not sound like a know-it-all... because i really don't... my wife helps me stay grounded in that fact. Of course it goes both ways....:)

making toooomuch sense...yepyaandyesssssssss...justalil reminder...women suffer almost more than menbecause of the stereotype thatMEN "ALWAYS" want 'it'and women think of excuses to getoutofit...or use it as a manipulation...either way BOTH people losemore than the refusercould ever imaginetryin to keep:joyinthejourney, clg

I think you live in the wrong neighborhood or have the wrong friends.

No problems here or with my friends. In fact sometimes it is the guys

complaining they can't keep up.

we chase them for ***** when we are young. Now that they dont give us any *****, what are we supposed to do? What is our motivation. We may love them, but our internal sex drive, and need for sex must be addressed. If it is not, we become very different people.



What if there was the potential for sex again? how would we act? We need to think that there is that potential, even if with another. It is the human condition.



Compare us to other species? What happens to non breeding males?



get my drift?

what happens to non breeding males?

I know that I have changed so much over the sexless years. I went from initially being a nervous wreck over it to an angry guy. I used to love to socialize and talk to people. Now I just don't give a ****.

Yeah, people aren't worth our time. Unless they are in a SM, of course ;-)

The die young

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Hmm. I'm a woman and I was the one asking and being refused. You're right that it's quite a blow to one's self esteem.



I disagree that it's social conditioning or some nefarious power manipulation, though. My fiancé simply didn't want sex as much as I did, and there was nothing I could do to "fix" that. Dressing sexy, wearing lingerie, and making innuendos didn't get me anywhere.



I loved him deeply (still do, and we're still good friends), but I had to decide if I could accept a lifetime without the level of intimacy I craved. I even rationalized to myself that couples naturally stop having sex as frequently as they age, and a few years of being dissatisfied would pay off with stability and common interests.



In the end, I decided I was too young to just shut the door on that side of myself, and I left him.



Bottom line, we crave closeness and intimacy. You're not a dog for wanting that. I think you can't control what your wife does or whether or how much she wants to be close to you. What you *can* control is your life and your actions.

Why do these women refuse their men sex?

There are a few answers to that question. None are very good. First off, there was one ringleader of the group who treated her husband badly. I believe that she thought she was too cool for him. He was someone that was obligated to provide for her, and nothing more.

These women were vocal about marrying for money.

They would also seem to drive wedges between the husbands and wives. For instance, if a husband was working late, one of the wives would say he was out having an affair. They would do and say little things that would just cause problems in the marriages.

So, I guess the answer would be they thought they were too cool, they didn't really love their husbands, and they liked to create problems for people.

Be a man

Be honest from the start

Men want sex, love, and food

Pretty simple really

Ladies, If you can't sustain this then go away and let us get it elsewhere

amen! This cold, no-sex band of harpies need to step away from those hungry lusty men so the gals who cook in the kitchen and between the sheets can marry and love and be loved!

Be a man

Be honest from the start

Men want sex, love, and food

Pretty simple really

Ladies, If you can't sustain this then go away and let us get it elsewhere

Be a man

Be honest from the start

Men want sex, love, and food

Pretty simple really

Ladies, If you can't sustain this then go away and let us get it elsewhere

As far as I can tell from this forum there are as many emasculated females here as males, all with the same complaints. It's my belief that this is not a learned, cultural thing that your spouse can pick up via a crowd of refusers. It's a quiet, secret way of viciously destroying your partner, 'winning' a relationship and owning control. Finding out that this is a male and female sport has been one of my revelations here.

And to the poster who said 'be a man, tough it out, don't join a support group', one wonders what he thinks this is?

Apart from my spouse, can't remember seeing many emasculated females around.

A few years ago my sister-in-law (then fiancee) came to my mom's house when my brother was on a manly vacation in Europe with my other brother. She came to ***** to my mom and me about my brother not being a goal-setter, etc. All of it was hogwash, of course. I always stand up for my brother...but I figured after they married, I can't get involved or meddle. Her mom is a radical feminist as well and treats her husband like crap...I am honestly not surprised that he turned to the bottle. He is a very good, hard-working man. Getting back to My brother...he is a really great guy and when she starts on him, I see the look in his eyes and it really saddens me because I know he wants to defend himself. She and her mother are also so competitive with other women. I don't understand it...friends used to tell me that I had to be more possessive of my boyfriend to keep him..I disagree with them and I believe that I will treat someone how I want to be treated. Dating can be so confusing though...I never thought I would see the day when it was socially appropriate to go split the bill in half with on the first dinner date. Radical feminists rage on about how if you let the guy pay the whole bill, they will own you. It's ridiculous...

Yeah you are right! Society is trying to turn men into effeminate *******. But it don' t get to me. The people(doctor) at the V.A. hospital said I had delayed stress syndrome or something like that, wanted me to go to some pussified group therapy. I said NO WAY. I am not going to go sit in front of a bunch of strangers and talk about my feeelllingggsss! Done and DONE! MAN UP! If your wife won't boff you or play suck the potato through the hose start going out to a club BY YOURSELF!!!

total bullshit

Men, all of these observations are spot on. I've been dismissed for saying this and have been for years. I noticed decades ago. One of my favorite shows that turns the tables is "According To Jim" because it pokes more fun at the wives than the husbands. I'm not so petty as to not enjoy and occasional dumb husband story but when the wives get put in the same spotlight, I enjoy it even more, especially because the habits, attitudes and observations they use are true! Thank you Jim Belushi!

I guess what I don't understand, from either gender, is why stay and take it. Sue for divorce and be very specific with your spouse about how public you are going to be about their inability to share intimately within the marriage. The biggest crime here is not the refuser but rather the empowerer who allows it to happen and keeps quiet about it.

Sorry to hear of your hardships Joesheart. Not all women are like this. We just got lucky I guess.

Having young children to worry about makes situations much harder. As these wives are already exhibiting such nasty behavior, there have to be fears concerning how they will play the children if these men choose to leave. I am assuming that all of these women have pretty comfortable life styles as women who have to work very hard day to day outside of the home seldom have as much time on their hands to stir up trouble. I am sure that they also know that devoted fathers will put up with a lot to keep the family intact and some semblance of security for the sake of their children.



The men who get screwed are sometimes the ones who try the hardest to hold a marriage together. It is not just the money but also the emotional toll that takes place. Supporting a woman who denies even the comfort of intimacy to the man who puts a roof over her head.



In my case I stayed so long for my children so I do understand what you write. They had a pretty good life and got to do many things being a single mother would not allow. Now they are grown and married so my situation is different than yours or your friends. One has to make the best choice for their own situations in life.

Unfortunately, dartist, these men have been told they are crazy by their spouses and have kids. The men are pretty much screwed.

Whether it is a group of women choosing to demean their husbands or any media portrayal of men as clueless boobs, it is ultimately up to the one demeaned to take a stand and let others know that this is unacceptable. You are not responsible for your wife's behavior or her friends actions but you are responsible for yourself. Demanding respect is a choice. If any person makes it clear that disrespectful behaviors are not to be tolerated, the abuser loses their control.



It appears that your male friends are choosing to indulge in self destructive actions instead of telling their wives that this has to stop. Being passive will not change the dynamics of these marriages. Where is the man who says that he has had enough of this BS and that if it does not stop, he will be gone?

f you are married the wife's body belongs only to you and your body only belongs to her. In a true marriage we don't have power over our own bodies sexually speaking and it is always wrong to deny the other sex. One should be considerate of the other of course. I don't ask for sex if my wife is ill or something but basically marriage is one flesh and refusal doesn't come into it. With regard to sexless marriages men can be just as bad in the way they can use ****. This is mental adultery and denies the wife the true intimacy she is entitled to which should only be with her. The same goes for solo MB with the attendant fantasies. This can also have the same affect.

I think many times the whole emasculating that some do is all about control. It is a form of abuse. For years we have heard about how some men abusers will belittle their wives as a way to get them of the mind set that "nobody else will have me" type thing. This is horrible for anybody, male or female to do.



Same could be true of many refusers. Sure they don't want to have sex with their husbands/wives but they darn sure don't want them to get it elsewhere. If the belittle them enough it will destroy their self confidence & could keep them from persuing it elsewhere.



My bride would tell me many times how so many female co-workers would have these hour long bash their husbands sessions during lunch. I'm not talking about the good natured humor we all do about wives & husbands. Totally different things. It can't be mean spirited & the other has to know we are kidding. But she would tell me about the horrible things they would say. She refused (in a good way...lol) to participate. Fortunatly she finds it extremely disrespectful to me & abstains from it. On the flip side I wont do that with my male friends either.

If you want to guage your success as a person, a man in this case, by portrayals in the popular media, or other bullshit views society foists upon you then you probably deserve every lump you get.



This is the 'pejorative' "you" MMF, not you personally.



Tread your own path.

gs355, my wife showed me tremendous respect for years. I believe her friends and their disrespect for their husbands rubbed off on her. When it started happening I made it a point to discuss this, but the poison had already seeped in.



As a matter of fact, all of these men were envious of my marriage. It must have made their wives work harder to reign in my wife and our sexual activities.



I do think that the lack of respect is a cultural thing. Listen to the idiot DJ's on the radio on morning shows, they trash everybody. Watch the news or some tv in the evening. I myself quit listening to the radio or watching the junk on tv a long time ago. Unfortunately, my wife watches tv every free second she has.

Listen to the idiot DJ's on the radio on morning shows, they trash everybody. Watch the news or some tv in the evening. I myself quit listening to the radio or watching the junk on tv a long time ago. Unfortunately, my wife watches tv every free second she has.

You may be on to something. I think the media innundation, the junk news and programming, implants a distorted warped sense of reality on audience members. Because they are only seeing this commerce laden garbage, they adopt the sick character model as a standard for human behavior and relationships. It would be interesting to map the tv time in relation to spouses who deny sex and who are denied and see if there are correlations.

Leaving aside the cultural blah blah blah, I believe it boils down to a lack of respect that leads to what I call psychological castration...what you call emasculation. Very rarely do I hear the word "respect" in these stories. And how can there be any respect if people are sitting around discussing and making fun of their spouses whether "embarrassment" was intended or not. And one could talk all day and night about cultural influences, the sexual revolution, the feminist movement, blah blah blah. I understand and empathize with this post all the way. Your sexlessness is a direct outgrowth of your wife's lack of respect for you and once its gone- be it in her head, or some perceived wrong on your part by her, or just the goofy gang of friends she keeps- it is tough to overcome....doable, but tough! It may be funny on a sitcom, but no one appreciates being the butt of a joke. The passing reference using laughter as medicine, but when it becomes incessant, the joke ceases to be funny and becomes demeaning, a symptom of a deeper problem in the person, and most definitely emasculating!

Leaving aside the cultural blah blah blah, I believe it boils down to a lack of respect that leads to what I call psychological castration...what you call emasculation. Very rarely do I hear the word "respect" in these stories. And how can there be any respect if people are sitting around discussing and making fun of their spouses whether "embarrassment" was intended or not. And one could talk all day and night about cultural influences, the sexual revolution, the feminist movement, blah blah blah. I understand and empathize with this post all the way. Your sexlessness is a direct outgrowth of your wife's lack of respect for you and once its gone- be it in her head, or some perceived wrong on your part by her, or just the goofy gang of friends she keeps- it is tough to overcome....doable, but tough! It may be funny on a sitcom, but no one appreciates being the butt of a joke. The passing reference using laughter as medicine, but when it becomes incessant, the joke ceases to be funny and becomes demeaning, a symptom of a deeper problem in the person, and most definitely emasculating!

I forgot to mention my other buddy who has taken to smoking more dope than Willie Nelson. I don't know if these women all became friends because they are similar in their attitudes, or if they just adopted the attitude of one of the women.



I will tell you, my wife turned into a different person since she became friends with them. We had fun and she was a sincere person. I don't even recognize her personality now.



Also, I know I made a mistake in running around on my wife, but someone can only take so much of this nonsense. I get the impression now that these same women are trying to drive us apart further.



As a side note, I will say that they are also bad to each other. Needless to say, when my wife socializes now, I just stay at home.

The media bombards us with shows and commercials portraying men as clueless fools and I find this so disgusting that I have contacted various companies about this trend voicing my distaste. One of the worst things I ever heard a woman say was that she was teaching her daughters "how to work their men."!



The lack of respect for good men is disturbing and a circle of married women who join together bashing their husbands and reveling in the refuser attitude is even more disturbing. Whether we are men or women, common decency means that we are regarded as human beings with feelings and needs and a wanting to be appreciated for who we are. The growing lack of empathy and compassion towards others leads to more division and frustration.



Your post makes a lot of sense to me. No wonder many men turn to other ways to cope with their pain as the natural role of men in society is slowly changing due to it being fun to devalue a man's place in life. I would never be friends with any woman who treats men like second class citizens or clueless puppets!

I mentioned this in another post so I'll run with the theme. Some of it is how we view others. Yes, I do believe its dumb husband syndrome...Homer Simpson, Tim Allen, There are a host of current stupid men in TV.....the husbands on Modern Family can get dumb sometimes, or Neil Flynn from the Middle. come to mind right away...but I"m sure there are more.



MMF as far as your current crew of men friends. I'm glad you all are talking about your sexlessness. I guess it helps in real life to talk about it. I only ever told my best friend and typically since she didn't understand how I could still love my husband, her response was LEAVE. But thats not what I need this thread to be about.



I don't know if these women that are married to your friends are intentionally trying to imasculate men, or just trying to amuse each other at their mens' expense. Since I've never been on that side of equation I don't know. As a woman, I have I must admit laughed about my husbands foibles. But never to embarrass him.

I try so hard NOT to do this.