Sorrow

Today was my birthday. I should have been happy to celebrate it, however It was a very sad day for me. 

Today My grandfather passed away. I was very sad to hear the news. He was a great man, with a gentle heart. He was nothing like my dad.  My feelings are mixed.  Part of me feels very sad that my dad was not able to say goodbye to his father. He is in prison.  Even after all he has done to me, I still feel sad for him. 

I have not been on here in a few weeks I think.. seems like so much has been happening and I have really been put to the test with a lot of recent issues. I am not as strong as I would like to be right now, and feel myself going backwards rather than forward. 

My SM is still the same. WE get along great as a family and as parents, but that is as far as it goes. WE just took a trip to Chicago to take care of some paperwork for our pending divorce. It was a very nice trip and the kids really enjoyed themselves.. it makes me feel guilty though, because I feel like we are living a lie. 

Anyhow life has been very depressing and I have a huge hole in my heart right now.