okay, I have to say something about hope.
My H and I have been sexless now for two yrs. Yesterday aftn we talked about divorce, staying sexless, what ea of us can do to make this marriage better or what both of us need to be able to stay or walk away.  We have a couple of things going for us. We love ea other, we enjoy ea others company. We both want to make this better. Two yrs ago I felt overwhelmed with a brand new business that required ALL of my time,a new baby whom we adopted and a large acreage to manage and care for.  
I felt he wasn't doing enough to contribute to helping, I am a worker. I love hard work, I love to fall in bed at night feeling good from working. He was lazy I say was because he realized that he needed to do more to run this place/household. Only I couldn't do it all. I was overwhelmed. Resentment crept in and all that I was feeling started to physically show on my body. Then we have this problem with his family always showing up several times a yr unannounced and overstaying their welcome. More resentment. More weight., more no sex.
To me there is a "why" to everyone's story. The hard part is figuring out what the hell it is! Well I got mine figured out. So where do I go from here? That leads me back to the talk we had. Yes we've had the Divorce talk before several times. I came to realize that I do love him,. I want a good dad for our kiddo, I am willing to deal with his family as long as there is a CONTRIBUTING part on his end to make things a smoother transactiion. The key here is that he also loves me. He also is willing to work on things. Like saying to his family,. " family, this is not a good time for us can we set a different date for you to come and visit?". This is so hard for him. I can't understand that but willing to accept that it just is.
If two people are willing,.it'll work. If two poeple love ea. other it has hope of working out. I've always said on this site that I do not plan to stay here. I want this marriage. I want it to work. I will not be another statistic. I will not let "hopeless" settle into my heart and complain about it the rest of my life and thus making everyone's life around me miserable. I want to make mad passionate love to my H and I know I just know I can deal with any other family issues that then come along. Happily ever after? Probably not but at least the ONE big issue won't be our sex lives, and my weight. The hard work has begun, the daily regimine of being careful not to let that ugly resentment creep in and to stop and say in my nice voice, "hey H, this is really bothering me, can we spend a moment talking about it."  To quit pointing the finger in the other direction and begin pointing it at myself. So I am interested in the "why" of it all and I hold firm to once that is figured out, talked about then we can all proceed to a happier life.
portabella portabella
41-45, F
5 Responses Oct 8, 2010

Viva I had to come back and read your comment a couple of times. Some of it stayed with me and some of it I had to think about what you meant. Thanks. Yes it was madness to adopt and start a business at the same time. Now that that period is over , kiddo is 4 and business is 5. I should be able to backtrack a little and undo what it was that got me here. ?

Great place to start. The important thing is to START.<br />
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Couple's therapy and sex therapy by a good therapist, I would consider a definite must. It provides structure and time and forces the issues to stay at the forefront. Many times, these conversations of awakening and opportunity are lost because the process of doing the work keeps getting put off.<br />
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Don't let it!<br />
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions and that is wisely applied to sexless marriages with partners who love each other but procrastinate on addressing the issues head on.<br />
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Strike while the iron is hot! DEFINE what working on it means and make very clear the consequences of not addressing the issues. For example, my parameters for staying and working on the marriage with my husband have been - couple's therapy, medication treatment for anxiety, an immediate stop to all verbal and emotional abuse, respect of boundaries, and a few other things. He is abiding by them because he KNOWS I will walk, if he doesn't meet the fr<x>amework and I will no longer abide by empty promises. There is also a timefr<x>ame for goals to move forward in the relationship. <br />
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Define what you need and what needs to happen. <br />
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Good luck!

Portabella, I wish you much strength and will to work on preventing resentment overtake you. It is an ugly beast and it's difficult to purge. <br />
Hold your husband to task and demand the truth. If he gets wormy, you have your truth that he doesn't care or love you enough to work on a happier and healthier marriage.<br />
Good luck and keep us posted.

thanks bazzar, I've seen you around. I think that Husband is willing is the only way it will work. One cannot do it alone.

I like your plan portabella.<br />
Hope your husband joins you in it, as you'll have a good shot at it if he does.<br />
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Tread your own path.