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My Story 17yrs Worth

I really dont know why I am writing this since from reading the posts its seems common and somewhat a hopless situation. But maybe it will make me feel a little better. Married 17yrs ago now both 40. She was not very sexually experienced and only my 2nd. First few years were very slim with sex which she blames on her ignorance. I did the norm books,videos everything. It did not get better. We decided to have a child and things didnt get better. I found out there was a medical problem with me(which devastated me, her not so much) Anywho, we decided to get donor and had our son. For nine months no sex at all I could barely care because I was so distraught by the fact I would never have a child of my own.(I do love my son) After that sex few and far between as usual. We have had the talks and read books( His needs her needs good book by the way). But no long lasting or exciting change. She says its her fault and doesnt know what to do about it but doesnt really say what her problem is.???She doesnt really like to talk about it at all and will ignore anything I say about it. Well here we are 17yrs later we may have sex twice a month when she sees the anger boiling up in me and then she just lays there and waits for me to make her *** and finish myself then. Just waits until she sees the need to shut me up again like some game.I have only come close to cheating on her twice in 17yrs and could not go thru with it because of guilt. I am angry,hurt, disappointed and tired of all of it. Thats the short version on me
nclaw nclaw 36-40 2 Responses Oct 11, 2010

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Yes, I do own my bitterness about our child situation but I feel at peace with all of that (the sex thing was way before that ever came along). Her lack of sympathy for me only gave me insight into her compassion for my feelings. I have a fought for every inch of intimacy that I have gotten in the last 17yrs. No I am not having sex consistantly but if I do its because I have had to fight for it. Yes I know most of it is pity and pacification but I have to live somehow. Reading the other posts here I would have some relief if my wife just told me she didnt love me,feel attracted to me or some other end all be all to the situation. If I had that I could at least go OK and a major choice could be made. The emotional and mental torture is what gets me. Thanks for the posts

Welcome brother nclaw.<br />
<br />
Is it possible you are carrying some residual resentment about not being able to biologicly father a child, which is spilling over into an unconnected area (your ability to have sex). Just asking, because this is something YOU could work on.<br />
Her attitude is something only SHE can work on. <br />
Then, if you are BOTH of a mind, then you could BOTH work on the sex aspect.<br />
<br />
It seems from your story that she is not terribly keen on talking about it and ignores YOUR advice on the subject, and is resistant to talking to an outside ob<x>jective person about it. It would seem that as long as this attitude persists, then so will the problem.<br />
<br />
Maybe its time for the two self interrogatives.<br />
1 - where do you want to be in 12 months time ?<br />
2 - what are you prepared to do to get there ?<br />
<br />
I gather that the "twice a month" frequency you refer to happens after a period of several moths with zip. A sort of 'pity ****'. If you are actually getting twice a month consistently, you might draw a bit of flak here. Might be best if you clarified that.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.