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Blue Balls And Blue Box

Anyone "refused" knows that it gives (or gave) us the EMOTIONAL blues. But refusal of sexual release creates painful, PHYSICAL blues as well for both men and woman. Perhaps everyone already knows this, but it proves that not only do they not care about our emotional health but our physical health as well. 

Would a "loving" wife intentionally inflict intense pain to her husband's testes and penis? By not providing an ****** for a man, release of *****, his epididymis gets blocked up because his ***** has left his testes but not his penis. This restricts his blood flow and causes blood to pool, therefore making his balls ache from the swollen blood.

Would a "loving" husband intentionally inflict intense pain to his wife's pelvic area? By not providing an ****** for a woman, her vaginal opening and clitoris become swollen due to engorgement of blood. This causes aching because of the heaviness in her entire pelvic area.

With this said, how could a "loving" spouse be able to live with themselves if they knew they are causing physical pain to their loved one? I guess the answer to that is the same as the reason how they can live with themselves knowing that they are causing emotional pain. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM IF THEIR "LOVED ONE" IS SUFFERING! It's all about THEM.

There are so many physical and emotional reasons for not being able to climax. There's Erectile Dysfunction, problems after childbirth, a physical illness, a problem after having a surgery. There's emotional illnesses resulting from sexual trauma and sexual abuse. There's illnesses such as Depression or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder or High Blood Pressure. There's effects of taking anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications. And then there's physical changes which naturally come with age.

All I am trying to express is that it could be any number of these or other reasons for not being able to reach ******, but if a spouse does not even admit to having a problem, if they refuse to admit there even is a problem, if they make their spouse feel guilty, feel ashamed, feel to be the one at fault, feel to be asking for to much, and makes them feel undesired, unwanted, confused, upset, angry and frustrated, then this is not only a case of Emotional Abuse but also of Physical Abuse because lack of sexual intimacy indeed causes BOTH.

I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychologist.  I'm just a woman who loved my self enough to leave an 18 year sexless marriage evenn though I truly loved my then-husband.  He wouldn't discuss his issue.  He got mad at me, yelled at me and insulted me whenever I brought up "the issue".  I used to tell him in a most loving tone, "The day I stop caring about improving our marriage will be the day when I just don't care anymore".  This was not enough motivation for him to seek professional help of any sort.  He was complacent and content with not having sexual intimacy with his wife. 

All I know is that is that I would never inflict pain on my Fiance (unless it's the good kind).  I love him, therefore I want him to be emotionally and physically healthy so I will continue to shower him with sexual intimacy in every way possible.  He feels the exact same way for me.  Honest communication makes all things possible.

Good luck to all of you on your personal journeys.
ISELFLOVE ISELFLOVE 41-45, F 23 Responses Oct 16, 2010

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I would think that a career in religion where abstinence is required would tend to attract lower level libidoed people maybe.<br />
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If you were a total root rat, it'd be difficult to see much attraction in that calling.<br />
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Tread your own path

This is so important that I want to reiterate ISL's statement:<br />
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"... marriage where SEX IS NATURALLY and RIGHTFULLY EXPECTED. Sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is why people usually get married in the first place. "

Sally54...Nuns and priests marry their "God" and therefore do not enter into a marriage where SEX IS NATURALLY and RIGHTFULLY EXPECTED. Sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is why people usually get married in the first place. Those who devote themselves and their bodies to their "God" do not feel rejected and sexually frustrated day after day, year after year because they are not in a sexual relationship. Well, then again...

Hm, so how do people like monks and nuns who have taken a vow of celibacy, and presumably who don't allow themselves to ********** get on then?

Thank you to everyone, including gs355, for your comments. I had read some medical websites the day I wrote this story and thought it was (and still do) another form of abuse because lack of sexual release causes physical aches...and our spouses are (were) the reasons for causing the ache to begin with. I'm not saying that one can die from not reaching ******, but it is not a good feeling at all to have a need like that without it being met...and it not being met by one's spouse only deepens the emotional knife.<br />
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I say 'do what you gotta do' to just get by and not go insane. But someday you may find that it's still not enough, you know?

An interesting thread. We can all argue about terminology, research and published findings ... but the bottom line here is that people in sexless marriages suffer. Those symptoms are very real and are related to the stress and anxiety brought on by years of neglect. Dartist's final sentence sums it up well for me "Being rejected for years caused me to eventually close off my sexuality and that was painful enough."

When I told my family doctor that I was in a sexually fulfilling relationship, he was very happy for me and said that my physical problems will diminish as well as any emotional pain at being rejected for so long. We did not discuss genital discomfort due to being denied ****** and I cannot offer much information on this as I never thought about the possibility. <br />
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What I do know is that my blood pressure dropped to normal and I did not need anxiety medications while I was spending time with my lover. An absence of the body aches that have haunted me for the past years in my SM. No tension headaches either. <br />
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Did living sexless cause physical pain? It did but this was not just the lack of ****** but the lack of respect for my desires. Perhaps I did suffer from genital pain but I hurt so much and all over my body that it is hard to be specific about this. Being rejected for years caused me to eventually close off my sexuality and that was painful enough.

gs355, thanks for clearing things up from a medical standpoint.<br />
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Folks - <br />
Vascocongestion - as in vascular - as in blood vessels<br />
blue balls - as in the color of any body part were blood is contained for too long.<br />
(I've known two gentlemen who experienced it previously in their lives and both ended up in the emergency room because of it. Neither was due to partner's refusal but to an injury to the area. Oh - and I had nothing to do with causing either - lol. On the other hand, while it was a topic of discussion neither one tried to pass it off as a reason I should help them out. I won't go into the treatment necessary to relieve the immediate problem but their physical therapy afterwards did involve helping themselves regularly for a period of time.)<br />
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And I agree that anyone going around in a constant state of arousal is going to have some problems - men and women. In fact, I believe some women have had surgery to relieve their abnormal medical condition because it left them in such pain. I also agree that denying your partner should fall in the category of abuse - I'm just not sure if the courts would go for physical abuse - but I bet emotional might pass. <br />
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As far as ***** back up - no knowledge either way.<br />
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And as far as sex being great for you physically and emotionally and even psychologically - I don't know anyone other than a refuser who is going to debate that. Lots of documentation on all the feel good chemistry, healthy breathing and cardiovascular work! On the other hand, I'm willing to bet it also falls in the same category as shoveling snow. If you aren't in good shape and don't do it frequently, trying to shovel two feet of heavy snow is probably a little risky for the ticker and strains and sprains. So I vote for a national movement - heck international - for the betterment of humanity! Oh wait - we already had one. Make Love Not War. Hey - do you think I can get a federal grant?!

Well, let me say it again... sexual neglect/rejection IS sex abuse.

First of all, gs355 is STILL INCORRECT and THERE ARE MEDICAL FACTS which back of my story, especially regarding ***** and blood being backed up. It's a fact; not my opinion.<br />
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Secondly, I think that most spouses who supposedly "love" their spouse yet hold back sex cause their spouse to become sexually frustrated. It is not just an emotional response but a physical response as well, and I think it does not matter if they have been sexually aroused or not, we are animals and have basic human needs...and sex and sexual release are normal. Unless you are asexual, you have a need and a very real urge for sex and release. What is so difficult to understand here? All I'm saying here is that it is yet another form of abuse to a supposed loved one. Why would anyone deliberately make their spouse feel so horrible? <br />
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And yes, ************ helps to relieve the physical pain. Duh. But I sure wish there was a way to end the emotional...oh wait, there is and it's called DIVORCE. Sorry, but I, for one, did not want to ********** MY life away.

gs355 is generally correct. <br />
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If you are just sexless the pain doesn't occur. If, on the other hand, you are getting aroused and not released then that is another issue. This is the "blue balls" many men are familiar with from our early years. For some of us unfortunately this continues in a SM. There ARE real health issues associated with a lack of sex but pain (if it is total lack of all sexual activity) is not one of them. This is an issue I have started facing recently where W wants to make out but not finish me. <br />
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***** production (and the rest of the *********) is like many other things - use it or lose it. Much like breast feeding in women, If you stop *********** regularly your body simply dials back the production of the seminal fluids and *****.

Only time I ever heard of this was when a girl I knew - back a million years ago - was telling me her boyfriend claimed that "If you don't **** me I will have a terrible pain" and she was asking me if it were so.<br />
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I think my blank look rather gave the game away.<br />
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Hey gs - how does that dissertation of yours go as a pick up line - you old romantic you !!!

First of all, its called vasocongeStion. It refers to the build up of BLOOD, not ***** or ***** in the epidydimis which is in the testes. It is defined as the temporary congestion of fluid due to prolonged sexual arousal. So, unless you are walking around with a perpetual erection (called priapism incidentally) or the equivalent in females, it is a non-issue. The best solution is *********** which relieves the pressure immediately. Absent that, it will go away. Ironically, the cold shower works best in that it allows the BLOOD to flow out of the congested area. So before you go all nutsy cuckoo about the physical manifestations of sexlessness being abuse, get your facts straight. Also, ***** is produced but at a faster and greater rate when sexually aroused. The normal human body has ways to eliminate the excess build up, namely nocturnal emissions which are common at all ages. As for females, it occurs with the build up of blood mainly in the labia, not clitoris (but it can) which CAN lead to cramp like symptoms. Again, it occurs most during sexual arousal- not just spontaneously by virtue of being in a sexless marriage. This is such grasping at straws it boggles the mind. you can find any little tidbit of information on the internet to support a story and run with it. And yes, people with a more active sexual life are better for it physically. Whether sex is THE determining factor or whether sexual activity within the context of an overall healthy, happy lifestyle is a matter of debate. I however fall on the side that a healthy happy sexual life improves your overall life- emotional and physical. I am not denying the condition of blue balls exists, just your emphasis on its importance within the context of this site.

Thanks Enna.<br />
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I've found plenty of references from 'Athens' (as a subscriber from my job). Wikipedia usually does it, but a reference from a peer reviewed professional journal usually sways my viewpoint quite significantly.

Unpleasant side effects of sex-related vasocongestion may lead to the cramp-like pain of "blue balls"[4] in males and an unpleasant pelvic "heaviness" in women,[5] similar to the start of the menstruation cycle.<br />
References<br />
4) ^Blue Balls, Sinclair Intimacy Institute, 2002. (Accessed October 10, 2006) <br />
5) ^ Sexual Function and Estrogen, Canadian Consensus Conference on Menopause, 2006 Update. (Accessed October 10, 2006)

Hi gs355.<br />
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I also thought that "blue-balls" was an urban myth, so I researched it a little. Turns out that there is some truth in this. Not encountered the "pelvic pain" quoted, but certainly read up on the statistically significant increase in testicular symptoms in males with reduced spermatic outflow.<br />
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Rob (FIBMS SCsi)

gs355...You are once again misinformed. The MEDICAL TERM for this is called VASOCONGENTION. It is very real and it is a medical fact, and it affects both men and women. The degree of physical pain and the amount of time it takes for it to go away differs with each person, but it is a real ailment. Also, it is a reason (a valid reason) for one to become grumpy, irritated and sexually frustrated. Any credible medical website will explain what VASOCONGENTION is and will therefore back up what I said in my story.<br />
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And the POINT of my story is that it is yet another form of abuse inflicted by refusers. <br />
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I *so* wish you luck on your personal journey. Perhaps your relationship is just fine with the way things are, and that is your choice; good on you. But many of us in this forum CANNOT and WILL NOT accept a sexless marriage.

Commenting only because you once and only once agreed with me on another post. This has got to be the most silly medical hogwash small percentage stuff I have ever encountered. Blood pools and backed up *****? Heavy clitoris inflicting pelvic pain? Really? I work for a major drug manufacturer and asked some people about this. In the abstract, what you post is true. But people walking the earth in pelvic pain because of no sex...sorry. Too weird despite the inevitable remote citation you can throw at me. The physical ailment is more a manifestation of the stress than backed up ***** or blood pooling in a clitoris. Be for real!

I never knew that it could cause such complications. Thanks. It does make me wonder how it harms say a woman who can't acheive the big O. We know from all the stuff on T V & media that some can't even with therapy. Also & I see you addressed it briefly but there are men who cant. I wonder how that effects them?. Just a thought. Guess I better google it...LOL<br />
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Thanks for the post.

There are studies indicating that males over the age of 50 can significantly reduce the probability of contracting prostatic diseases (including cancer) if they ********* 3 times or more per week. Undischarged seminal fluid in males is physiologically damaging. Sorry, I can't remember the reference but it was a study published quite recently in the UK from (I think) Nottingham University.

I have had a noticeable reduction in migraines and a great improvement in my clinical depression since I left my marriage. These are just two ailments that were obviously more connected to my sexless marriage than I realised at the time. Great post, Iselflove!

Hey 4PM60! Aren't you the one who went to another country to be with your new love? If so, how's that going? If not, sorry I confused you with someone else on here. Best of luck to you either way!

Yup, ISL. I couldn't agree with you more. It is abusive and just downright mean. Unfortunately, most refusers live in denial of this very fundamental fact, and if you point it out to them, they will either a: deny it completely and emphatically, attacking you for accusing them of such behaviour, or b: list excuses why their behaviour is justified.