Hello All, Here's My Sm StoryI've been a lurker here off and on for the last year, and decided I was going to post my story and try to participate in the conversations. Since I found this site, I've come to use it on the most difficult days when frustration and despair set in. I find it to be comforting to know that I am not alone... I guess misery loves company, or something like that.
A little background to start. I'm 27, my wife is 30, we've been married a year and a half, and in a relationship together for about three and a half years. She has been a refuser throughout our entire marriage, with it getting worse over time. We've made love maybe 25-30 times total, mostly at the very beginning, with only 3-4 of those this year. We lead very different lifestyles in our teenage and earlier adult life. I was always pretty reserved, and had intentionally saved myself for "the one," while she had lead a fairly wild sexlife prior to marriage. I (unfortunately, in retrospect) got quite a lot of details on her previous sexploits before we got together, as there was a period where we were pretty close friends before our relationship became romantic.
I mention that last bit, not particularly because I resent her previous actions, but because it is now a source of great pain for me that she was into so many other guys but now has no interest in a healthy sexual relationship with me. Her explanation for this is that "Since I started having sex (as a teenager), I always 'wore out' one way to get off and had to find another way (like a new position, etc). Now I've just run out of ways and I can't enjoy sex anymore." She seems to see this as a perfectly logical, reasonable explanation that cannot be refuted or changed. As such, she has the unfortunate tendency (usually after a few drinks) to recount how great her former lovers were to her girlfriends (when I'm around), and doesn't see why that would bother me so much because "Sex was fun then" and now it isn't. So basically she "used up" her sexuality and doesn't have any left for me, her husband... as if she were only born with a finite number of sexual encounters or something and, unfortunately for me, she just ran out when we got married. This defies logic to me.
When we do have sex, it is clearly pity sex now. I try hard to make her enjoy it, but it has no effect and usually just ends up frustrating me more. For example, I will be going down on her with great enthusiasm in a way she had enjoyed early in our sexlife and after a while she says "Are you having fun?" in a slightly amused / bored voice. What a turnoff. During intercourse, she might toss out a few shallow moans at first, then she seems to forget to keep up what is obviously an act and just waits for me to finish - also a major mood killer. I'm stuck with this maddening choice... I have a high libido and am contently frustrated sexually and emotionally, but I feel awful getting pity sex - like I'm just using her body. And that is only the rare occasion she is willing to be sexual at all.
She claims to not be able to ****** anymore - see above "used up sexuality" explanation. I think there is more to it than that. As things were quickly on the decline, I would notice that her vibrator would be out on days I worked but she was off. She would claim she got in the mood and I wasn't around. This became a pattern and I confronted her on it, she said she only got horny in the afternoon... oook, so why never when we have days off together? No explanation for that, and she stopped doing so (or hides her tracks better, not sure which). I have no problem with her taking care of her own needs when I'm not around, but then to consistently refuse me is what makes it frustrating.
I've tried having the talk with her a couple times. She swears it's her and not me, which I find hard to believe given her past and the ************ on her part early in our sexlessness. She claims it is her inability to enjoy sex. I think it may be that she just has no interest in our sexlife which then lowers her enjoyment of it because it is a chore to her. She says she'll try, and we even agree to certain action items like talking to her doctor (more below) or trying to be more physical even if it isn't sexual (hold hands, cuddle, hug, etc) as these mean a lot to me too. I've begged her to tell me if it is me, that I'd rather know what the problem is so I can either work on it or at least work on accepting it if it is my failing.
To further complicate matters and reinforce my fears that it may at least be partly me, we both have medical issues. I take a medication that is basically ED in a pill - of course I can pop a magic pill to counteract that and be just fine, but I have to know when to take it. I went through hundreds of dollars of the things so I'd be "ready" on days I thought might lead to something, then finally told her to just tell me when to take them, which is of course never. She on the other hand takes multiple medications that lower libido, though the problems started before she started the meds. During our talks I've asked and she's agreed to ask her doc about alternate meds that don't have sexual side effects, but she never follows through. She also claims that she hates condoms, which we were forced to start using at one point because she didn't have medical insurance to cover the pill. She is now covered by two insurance policies and won't ask her doctors for the pill. Incidentally, when she got off the pill was about when her interest in sex became non-existent - I point this out as a possible cause/effect, and she still won't talk to her doctor.
When I pin her down and make her talk about it, she will admit it is a problem. She will agree to do things like talk to her doc, try herbal supplement, change behavior in small ways, but then never follows through. A day later, the conversation is forgotten like it never existed. It's as if she knows it is a problem, but doesn't care past getting me off her back about it.
There so many things that build up to hurt, frustrate, and generally make matters worse. Almost every day she will call me and respond to my "hello" with "Hey sexy." I used to enjoy it, now I hate it. How can she call me sexy when she won't entertain the idea of making love to me? I hate how she tenses when I try to cuddle with her, as if she is worried that I'm "going to try something." I hate how she puckers up like she would for kissing the cheek of a child when I try to kiss her. I hate the complete indifference when I do try something like kissing her in a sexy way or, God forbid, letting my hands roam in an attempted seductive manner. She will ignore the kisses and focus on whatever she is doing (tv, book, computer) and slap away the hands and maybe make a comment that I'm a perv... WTF, I'm a pervert for wanting to make love to my WIFE?! I hate how I find myself trying to de-sexualize her... I find her extremely attractive, but I've found that just hurts me worse when I see her walking around in almost nothing. Why long for something you can't have? So I see her and try not to think anything sexual. It is a self-defense thing but it still disgusts and infuriates me. I wonder in 3 years if I will even want her that way if I continue down that road? I hate how I avoid going to bed with her, just so I don't have to feel rejected... she can't reject me if she's already asleep, right? I hate how I dread Valentines Day, birthdays, etc, because I know I will feel the almost inevitable lack of intimacy even more keenly than normal.
I've tried the candles. I've tried the warm oil massages. I've tried the romantic, expensive dinners. I've tried doing the chores. All I get for my trouble is an even deeper feeling of rejection. That I make special efforts and she still can't be bothered to follow through with even small steps to improvement cuts pretty deep. I know that she loves me, but I can't help feeling unloved when she is so unwilling to work on a problem that is obviously important to me. I won't cheat on her, and I'd rather die than divorce her as I truly do love her with all my heart.
So now I step back and find myself a frustrated insomniac who is drinking more than he strictly should at night just so he can forget about everything before bed. I feel rather depressed at times - it comes and goes. I'm finding less simple joy in life with every passing month... I don't laugh as much, and she somehow doesn't understand why. I'm left believing I can do nothing but pray and hope for the best. It's up to her. I'll try talking to her again, I'm sure, but I don't believe it will make a difference.
If you've managed to read through this poorly cobbled together story, past my ramblings, and past my rants, I thank you for your time. I hope that venting like this will be therapeutic for me, and I hope that maybe someone will see themselves in this story and take comfort in knowing they aren't alone in their struggles. Many people here are worse off than I am, and I salute those of you that have either made peace with their situation, or found another way to enjoy their lives. To those still struggling, stay strong..