Spouse Ignoring Me Inside The Bedroom, I Will Ignore Her Outside Of The Bedroom

Ok,,,quick short story. I have been trying to approach the self absorbed refuser wife that has ZERO interest in sex with me. Some of you may be familiar with my plight...from trying to talk,,trying to text,,,,trying to email,,,short wake up massages,,to outright laying in bed naked at attention waiting for her.

Well, in an effort to get her to communicate and address said issues, I have decided that her ignorance of me and my needs inside the bedroom desrves the retribution of ignorance from me on her needs outside of the bedroom. I only do this when we are alone,,and the kids are not subjected to my ignorance of her. Like this morning,,after the kids got on the bus,,,,,,,I shut down to her,,and stopped all communication,,,got ready for work,,,and left,,no words said.

She may want to discuss that she needs me to do this or that for her,,,little things,,,but I refuse to discuss them with her. Small things that are too numersous to mention,,but I am making my point,,that if my needs are not worthy of discussion for her,,,her needs do not merit me wasting my time to discuss them with her. She can take care of her petty needs by herself,,,,,,,much the same way I have been forced to ********** to take care of my needs.

No reach out communication yet,,but it is only a matter of time before she approaches me on my lack of cooperation on her needs.

Stay Tuned...!!!
deleted deleted
33 Responses Oct 27, 2010

It's been 5 years...how'd that work out for you?

Understanding Women's Mind Games
"Do you think I look fat in this dress?"
When a woman asks you this, you're doomed. No matter what you say, it will be the wrong answer. She already knows she looks fat or she wouldn't be asking you the question in the first place. But if you fib and tell her that she looks skinny, she knows it's not the truth — and she'll punish you not only for lying to her, but also for noticing that she's been packing on the pounds. She might even break into tears because, "You don't love me for who I am." Either way, you can't win.

So why do women indulge in these silly mind games?

Well, for one thing, they're women. And women think and react with their emotions — at least more than men do, in general. But it's really about testing us. And tests are ultimately all about control of the relationship.

The typical guy is usually clueless about the mind games women play. But play them they will, so you'd better be aware of what's going on.

Let's take a look at three different stages — Meeting, Dating and Relationship — to see what kinds of games the typical female plays.

1- The Meeting Stage

Sexy clothes
She wears provocative clothing and then gets mad when you check her out ("My eyes are up here ...").
What's her mind game?: No logic here at all — of course men are going to look and she knows it. And when they do, she castigates them for their normal and natural interest.
Shallow initial contact
She'll come on to you, flirt, even act sexually suggestive with absolutely no intention of going on a date or getting involved.
What's her mind game?: She wants to get a rise out of you to assure herself that she's still attractive to the men. Surprisingly, a lot of attached women play this game.

No phone call
She'll give out her number with no intention of dating you. Or she'll take your number and never call you.
What's her mind game?: This is another bid for power. She just wants to reassure herself that she can control men with her sexuality.

Hard to get
She turns you down for a date or doesn't return your call, even if she's interested in going out with you.
What's her mind game?: Sometimes this is simply a power play and sometimes what she wants is for you to chase her, to determine how desperate you are for sex. If you bite, then she knows she's totally in control of the relationship and you'll forever jump to the crack of her whip.

On to the Dating Stage, where things can potentially get worse...

I think it would serve the ***** right to come home andd find me ******* a woman on tthe livingroom floor..lol

Ive thought about doing that myself. Please let us know what happens

welli see he deleted his account, but just the same, thiscannot do anything but make her more determined to not have sex. With my wife i started the, i am not doing you any favors, if you can't be intimate in bed.But i did this only after trying to guilt her into having sex. Idid things for her before she asked, b'fast in bed Sat. morning while i took care of the kids. etc.She gave me big smiles, and probably laughed her *** off about how dumb i was thinking it would eventually lead to sex. So i did the, "do it yourself" approach. I t just gave her the reason why we weren't having sex. So i confronted her, not just a talk, but a search for resolution.A 3 hr screaming, pleading, talking session. She wanted to leave, and avoid the discussion. I Would not allow her. Finally she came out and told me sex with me was not enjoyable, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and had "plans" for me, that i just needed to giver her time. Since my desire at that time was to return to past glories of wild passionate sex, i gave in. What an idiot i was, she made no attempt to change, her idea of just give her time, was a hope on her part that i would lose my libido. Now she says i treat her mean andnasty, and yes i do, my repayment. It causes undue stress, but hell what do i care. I just want out now. So play her game , or call her bluff, a sexless marriage does not work, she needs to understand that.

Hope things got better for you. Boy, never did I think that as a woman I'd be having this trouble too. He just outright says he's not interested. I am 52 and he is 61. I started to go through menopause so I did something about it and went to see a hormone doc, got on bio-identical hormones which have reversed the symptoms and rejuvenated my libido. It's like I'm in my 30's again and I want it all the time, well at least once a day but he's going through male menopause (andropause) and he's lost his libido (completely). After months of no sex at all he finally gave me the "charity" session. He didn't want to climax but got me there. This was nice of course but I didn't feel gratified as I knew he wasn't interested. I wear sexy little nighties, I'm always touching him in a non sexual way, just tenderly touching but this doesn't even spark his interest. Any hints on what I could do? I'm so over my vibrator....sigh!

I have tried this and lost. Sure it sort of works in the beginning but they catch on quick and pretty much squash you.

nextstep696 nailed it perfectly. That's exactly the way it goes/has gone for me. Also, there's no end date for the "be patient" command. So you could end up "being patient" (and without intimacy) until you're no longer physically/mentally/emotionally capable. You should (at least for yourself) decide on an end date. Once that is reached, have the divorce papers served. If she decides to come through at that point, serve 'em anyway because if she doesn't care until she's served, it's still all about her. Just as there is "free trade" and a world labor market, there is also a world wife market, and many younger/better looking/more loving women can be found who would be overjoyed to be treated even half as well as many women in this country are treated. Good luck, buddy! We're all in this together....

Also: I think that nextstep696 has an insightful comment here. Sounds like a voice of reason to me.

Dear Backagain...<br />
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With all due respect, what are you hoping to achieve by ignoring her petty needs? In theory it sounds great...she doesn't deserve you or anything she asks you do to for her her...but why are you really doing this? If the point of it is to ultimately make her want to ask you what's wrong, then why not cut to the chase and tell her (yet again) that you are miserable with the sexless relationship you two have? <br />
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I can just imagine her asking you to do these petty things and you not doing them...and she doesn't care...she'll just do them herself...she will not have any care why you don't do these things and may never bother to ask what the problem is. That's the thing about refusers; they just don't seem to care about what is bothering their refused. <br />
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As much as I look forward to your stories and comments on this forum, I just can't understand why you put up with her...I must be missing something...it sounds like she has no respect, no desire and no honesty with you and yet you choose to stay married to her. And now you're going to play at her own game? Honestly, what do you hope this achieves?<br />
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Good luck, Backagain. I really hope someday, somehow, someone will treat you better than what you've been subjected to. You deserve more. We all do. At the very least, we deserve respect.

i know how u feel it sucks to be ignored in the bedroom especially when i do practically everything to get their attention. iv been ignoring my bf for awhile now doing the same thing ur doing practically and he still doesnt get it. it sucks when no matter how much you beg or complain about it they dont care. i feel for u!!

I would confront her about it directly. Approach her with concern, tell her that you are confused as to why she is ignoring you in the bedroom, and ask her if there is something that you are doing that is bothering her. There is no way she can fault you for that, and you are not admitting anything either.<br />
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I personally believe that all healthy marriages involve sex at least twice a week. My own parents have the same scenario going on, and I'm like, "Guys... Sh*& or get off the pot!" In other words, resolve your issues or get a f-ing divorce already. To keep yourself in a miserable situation is doing nobody any good, even if there are children involved. Children should be around happy parents. My parents were miserable growing up, and I feel like it initially put me in a negative disposition until I was able to consciously recognize that I have control over my own inner space and turn to happier thoughts deliberately. It took time, but I'm in a much better place than I was.<br />
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Anyway, if your wife is unwilling to do her part by talking to you about what's bothering her and make things right and reconcile differences, then I'd say serve her with divorce papers. Or, if you want to be really mean, let her catch you with another woman (I'm probably going to hell for that one). I don't think she realizes that she is only making things worse by allowing emotional wounds to fester.

I know many women who use sex as a control tool.... your game is going to fail. Its not about the sex for her...Women I know only stop having sex because they are sick or because MR has done something that has upset her... its often the last bargin and control tool some women have.

is it healthy for a marriage to have no sex for a while... the girl avoids it because she has issues with pain during intercourse...worries of getting pregnant and the fact that her husband isn't as intimate in bed and not fond of a great deal of foreplay...hence making it more painful. they argue often about divorce and financial problems arises. Plus, the girl has a plan a future for her husband and future family but she doesn't feel supported....what do you think? would God forgive us if we decide to part ways? tnx

I found this in a story on this board written about 2 years ago: "Over the years I have begun to harden in my heart. I won't answer her properly, do what I like, am rude, wont' do things like she wants them, when she wants them, argue in front of her family, and generally be a boor but she doesnt' get it still. I care less and less. Now I just won't do stuff she's dependent on me for. Like she wants to visit her folks who live far far away and she wants me to travel with her (so I can help with the kids, and be manual labor for the luggage), but after almost agreeing I said no. Very satisfying. Gives me perverse pleasure..."

also been there there and done that; she will never see the connection between her behavior and yours in a million years; a true refuser absolutely cannot believe that anyone could want sex, since they have no urges themselves. In her mind, she has a perfect existence -- a kind and caring man to provide money, help around the house, help with the kids, and a companion for doing things on the weekend; why would you go and ruin a perfect marriage for something as disgusting as sex?

Been there, done that! Made in WORSE!! When the tension rises to the point of an argument between you two ( and trust me....it will) you will feel guilty. You will place ALL the blame on yourself. Thus making what little self esteem you have left, completely disappear. My advice is to be the better person. It's hard, I know. I am a firefighter by trade and fighting fire with water works a lot better than fighting fire with fire!!! "Kill her"with kindness." It will be better for you even if things never change. Good Luck!

I tried this ! She just carried on as if nothing was wrong. I literally stopped responding toanything,and hse carried on talking at me regardless. I do know where you are coming from, but it won't work. These refusers are way ahead of the game.

Gotta agree with most others here. It might make you feel good in the short run, but does it solve anything? Really? Your making it into a game. Is marriage a game? Maybe this is your way of forcing the issue, but I really believe there are better, more mature ways to do it. And no matter how careful you think you are, your kids will ultimately get caught in the crossfire. To use the profile name of someone else: END THE GAME.

Gotta agree with most others here. It might make you feel good in the short run, but does it solve anything? Really? Your making it into a game. Is marriage a game? Maybe this is your way of forcing the issue, but I really believe there are better, more mature ways to do it. And no matter how careful you think you are, your kids will ultimately get caught in the crossfire. To use the profile name of someone else: END THE GAME.

All it will do is create a lose lose situation. It will not make her want to have sex with you and it will give her tangible evidence to point to as to why she won't have sex with you. She will point out to all who will listen that he does nothing for me so therefore I am justified in doing even less for him

B. As much as it galls me to agree with VB and AC Listen to some cooler heads. You gotta stop running on this hamster wheel. It is going nowhere and there is a big world out there. to run around in for real.<br />
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And be careful, the kids do see everything and what they don't see...they hear. You don't think she is gonna start using the kids as a means of communication? watch her.

I caution against a policy of reciprocal escalation.<br />
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Unless, you want to use this as a tool to collapse the marriage. It'll do that - as you each "up the ante" until you get down to your last card, the "leaving" card. <br />
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And so much damage will have been caused the chances of an orderly dismantling of the marriage, and an amicable settlement will be trashed.<br />
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This tactic - if you are thinking it might "make her wake up to herself" - will fail. Guaranteed.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Viva, you're killing me!<br />
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I've said it for a long time but there are some people that deserve to have their face on a milk carton!

Do stay in touch. I want to see the outcome. Sincerely I mean that. best of luck :-)

Probably she will just say that your behavior is the reason for no sex. Then once you offer to revert your behavior back to mr nice, you'll be told you need to be patient and give it some time to sink in, and then you're back where you started. Hope I'm wrong though and this somehow works for you.

The other thing that i should have said was that in my case i already was suffering from a very low self esteem. I really felt and continue to feel unloved and unatractive. You add to this kind of situation into the frey where now you are avoiding tasks and even more comments will be made against you. You will be called thoughtless, selfish, lazy etc and etc. You may really fall into a really sad desparate situation. You may start to believe all the crap. Be careful. I'm only offering my advice because i do this stuff too. i pretend i didn't hear. Just am a bit slow to get around to doing as asked. It really does make things worse.But, it is also my way of getting back.<br />
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It is not so much that you will lose but rather, that you have already lost. <br />
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Dump the cheating tramp already.

I think initially this game may be fun for you but as time goes on you will be the only one suffering and probably financially as well as emotionally. Depending on what the tasks are that you're not doing, your wife may end up hiring someone to do the job. While I was laid up with my bad back, my husband didn't lift a finger around the house and called in a house cleaning company to come and do everything from the piled up dishes to sweeping and cleaning once he had run out of clean crockery/cutlery. I guess putting things in the dishwasher was just too much like hard work.... Good luck!

Try it for a set time just to find out for yourself wheather it will work or not. I have to agree with the other 3 commenters that the tactic won't work. it will accelerate the tension and nastiness between the 2 of you, and may impact the kids. <br />
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I don't have any other sugestions for you. <br />
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Sorry, you WILL lose. This is a game. The only way to 'win' the game, if that’s the correct word is to not play it. The only way to win the game of indifference is to actually be indifferent and mentally 'gone' from the relationship.<br />
It seems what you are doing is using a different method to try and 'fix' the relationship, to make her understand. She cannot understand, if she could you would not be in this position.<br />
Save your energy.<br />
I say this from experience - I’m not called EndTheGame for nothing...<br />
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Good luck!

I agree with Justanwid, you will lose. You will have more tension and arguments around your house, but her desire not to have sex is all powerful. Read the many stories. A true refuser will opt for divorce over sex with their spouse any day. Refusing to take out the trash is hardly going to change this ingrained mindset.

Yeah, good luck with that. You are way out of your league. It is like a kid out of little league going up against a professional ball pla<x>yer.<br />
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She is a professional. She will crush you in this competition. And actually you are playing right into her hands. Is this really the first time you have tried this?<br />
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I am kind of laughing to myself (not at you), only because I got my *** kicked in this same attempt.<br />
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But I do wish you all the luck in the world. Who knows, maybe David can beat Gallioth today.