Is Being Sexless a Symptom?

totally agree with you ther.as soon as you get problems id say get help early before it all goes haywire to late.i wish id of tried that it may of saved my marriage now as i look back an reflect

Men will not express their feelings until the fear of being ridiculed is out of the relationship. We want to be loved. If I want to be judged, I would go to court.

CrimsonTears;

I do appreciate your enlightenment...to the mentally ill....



[[mike-*****Could you set aside a time and place to Communicate , with your husband...privately , so as not to cause harm to your son ?, when something is bothering you , make -up a signal to give to each other , that means " we need to talk later"****]]]



lol, I don't mean to laugh at your comment mike1957, but you simply do not know the depth of his illness. If anyone were to be "harmed" it would be myself and his father for passing each other signals. You have to truly understand mental illness to know what it is my household goes through on a daily basis.



I will be more thoughtful in any future, suggestions, to my friends...

good to hear your son is doing better, and truly hope things will improve in your situation...



be well

~~mike1957

Great and wise post, emptyheart, and one I hope I can apply to my situation.



Yes, we need to communicate, even at the risk of disapproval, of upsetting the other half. But we need to be in control of our own emotions when we face this, truly mature. The reactive spiral is deadly. I having some counselling to iron out my issues within this.



My wife and I have to fall in love again for this to work. Really scary.



I remember my late Mum's words to me 20 odd years ago: "Don't bottle it up ..." and "Marriage is all about Give and Take." Should have listened ...

Thank you for all the comments! I just want to say that therapy by no means is a fix all. All of our situations are different. Some of our spouses are not open to sharing their feelings. Some are in denial and believe we are to blame. My sister started marriage counseling with her husband and only went 3 times. Her husband does want to save their marriage. You cannot force someone to love you. I am only hoping that someone out there might recognize some of the early signs of destruction that happened in my marriage within their own marriage. I want everyone to realize that you shouldn't wait until you have an affair, or wait until you cannot talk to each other without arguing. The first time you cry yourself to sleep, feel desperately lonely, and unloved don't ignore it. Get some counseling for yourself. Communication can hurt terribly when the person you vowed to love forever doesn't listen. We almost have to relearn how to talk to them without sarcasm, anger, blame, and negative emotions. We react to them....they react to us. It can be an endless cycle that got us nowhere. I recognize Mr E's situation. There were many times when just talking to each other was impossible. When things were really bad, I focused on all his flaws and the things about him that drive me crazy. Now that things are getting better...I see all the good in him. All the reasons I fell in love with him. It is not easy falling back in love. Falling in love the first time was so easy. We have a lot of issues, traumas, and water under our bridge now. If we can forgive and still see that person we married, there is hope. Crimson Tears has a delicate situation with her son. I have a nephew with OCD and I can understand how it can stress a marriage. I see it first hand with my sister and her husband. Could she find a way to communicate by email, a note in his lunch, or just whispering in bed at night? My sister had to use these as a tool for communication. Our situations seem unsolvable yet when there is a fraction of hope we see limitless possibilities. Don't give up.

Sometimes communication just hurts too much!



That's where my wife and I are at in our relationship. I tried to initiate a conversation about something that has been troubling me for 2-3 months now, just last night. I realize now that I did it all wrong. I didn't have control of my emotions, and I must have seemed angry and impatient. My wife picked up on that immediately. She pointed out that it was 9:30pm and that she had been having difficulty sleeping recently. Having such a conversation would make it difficult to get the rest that she needs. Then she suggested that we set a time to continue the conversation. We picked tonight at 6:30pm. I agreed, then she continued on taking potshots at me for being uncaring and unsupportive for even suggesting that we could discuss anything at that time of night. She seemed to be going on (I would consider this "dirty fighting"), and I was just getting angrier after realizing that she had once again shut down my needs for hers, which are once again more important than mine. I yelled "Enough, enough!" so that she'd stop ripping me a new one. . . .



I've just read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. The book confirmed what I'd already realized some time back. My relationship is "Too Bad to Stay"! Yet, here I am!



MrE

*****Could you set aside a time and place to Communicate , with your husband...privately , so as not to cause harm to your son ?, when something is bothering you , make -up a signal to give to each other , that means " we need to talk later"****



lol, I don't mean to laugh at your comment mike1957, but you simply do not know the depth of his illness. If anyone were to be "harmed" it would be myself and his father for passing each other signals. You have to truly understand mental illness to know what it is my household goes through on a daily basis.



"By the way hun, did you pay the light bill today?"



"No, sorry sweetie, I'll have to take care of it tomorrow, I forgot."



"Ok, but don't forget we don't want the lights cut off"



Our son....



OMG! Mom didn't pay the light bill, they are going to cut off the lights! Once the lights get cut off all the food will go rotten! And the gas and the water and the phone will be next!!!!! And then I won't be able to go to school cause I won't be able to shower! And then everything will get dirty and I won't be able to touch anything!!!! And then I'll lose all my friends and I won't have any friends!!!!!



Two weeks later,



ring ring....



"Hello, you need to come pick up your son from school, he is threatening to kill himself again"



I go to pick him up, we go to the psych ER.



Doctor, "Why do you feel this way?"



My son, "Because my mom and dad said the lights were going to be cut off"



And this my dear Mike1957, is an average day in my house, and why my husband and I cannot ever communicate even the most simplest of things ever in front of our middle son who is ALWAYS around and has radar ears. The most simple of conversations can turn into life or death situations weeks later.



As far as "time to speak privately" There is no such thing as a private life when you live with the mentally ill. Everything has to be out in the open or their paranoia will eat you alive.



It is not as bad as it used to be, but the "episodes" are still there, just well managed. But the damage done to our marriage is simply done as the stress has eaten away at my husbands inner self. And I cannot fix that.

If I am honest with myself, going to a marriage counsellor accelerated the apparent disintegration of our marriage. It got all the hidden stuff out of the cupboards, and there it still is, all over the floor. However, the marriage could not have carried on the way it had previously, so i consider us still 'in the woods'. I do not think it was the fault of the therapist, though she was not the most charismatic of characters. It was inevitable. We are now trying to live the life rather than analyse it weekly! It's tough.



I believe absolutely that in our case, the sexlessness/affectionlessness is a product of inexpressed emotion, emotions that I now realise were always 'unwlecome' within the dynamics of our relationship, and we've been through a few traumas, bereavements etc.



I am hoping by looking inside ourselves we can find the way forward, and am looking to more counselling in the future sometime. But at the end of the day, you have to work through it yourselves. I am growing as a person, as the old me cannot stay in this marriage. I am hoping my wife can grow too, but that is not within my control. As I find myself less dependent on her emotionally, it can be strangely liberating. Trying to be less 'reactive', hence more 'mature', without concealing my honest opinions for fear of disapproval. All standard Schnarch stuff. I recommend his book.



Good luck, our friend. We applaud you.

Mike/Jeff, I agree with your observations. There are areas we are blind to, don't see in each other, and as emptyheart pointed out, sometimes partners just assume the other is understanding, when they are NOT.



In my opinion, therapists are no different from doctors or dentists. There are good ones, bad ones, great ones, terrible ones. I think emptyheart's insights are right on the money, they definitely mirror my own situation, difficulties I've had with my wife. Communication has been a key problem, not understanding where the other person is coming from, not communicating effectively. That's how walls get built (in part), most definitely.



Everyone has a different situation, of course. But while I would also agree we should be careful about therapists I also think we need to be careful about being "anti-therapist" in our thinking.







Just my 2 cents.

CrimsonTears;; I must agree with [[ jln99 ]] to a point. As my Dad said, "all doctors did not graduate with "A's" on there diplomas. But at the same time ,I have always thought "communication" in marriage, is key...and yes if that is compromised , then the little things just get pushed down, put in a place to grow with each missed communication..each one feeding on the last...



my wife an I had been seeing a therapist for almost a year. her evaluation ,was there was not much hope to improve our situation..[[ note my situation is much different then yours, but I know you know my situation ]]..Well a while back we began to see a new therapist,,,this one took a whole different approach , and judy and I are doing much better...not great , but a lot better..



mostly because judy is working with this "new" therapist...and I have learned a thing or two about judy, that just did not even come to my mind as "a problem" she was experiencing. until it came out in therapy..



I can only say if the therapist is making sense to the " both " of you" ,good....but if the other is having difficulty, with the therapy, I'm most sorry to say ,this therapist, may not be the best for the "both" of you....and perhaps this is something to "communicate with your husband...and the therapist..



But still stay in therapy,.. as I have found, even with the great "communication I have with my wife...there was still areas I was blind to...not on purpose, just did not make the connection...



oh just a "note".."Communication is a huge problem for us because of our sons illness, (OCD) we cannot openly discuss anything or it will trigger our sons episodes.



Could you set aside a time and place to Communicate , with your husband...privately , so as not to cause harm to your son ?, when something is bothering you , make -up a signal to give to each other , that means " we need to talk later"...[[And I don't advise, "flipping the bird" ..LOL ]]



hope this helped....



~~~peace to you and your's



.............Jeff...................

Wow, jh99, that was very helpful advice!



Communication is a huge problem for us because of our sons illness, (OCD) we cannot openly discuss anything or it will trigger our sons episodes. So I know for a fact that this is part of our sexless marriage issue. But still, I can't

help but think, if two people truly love each other they over come all odds to "be" together.



I know with a new man in my life I won't have the shared stress and bad memories related to my sons illness,and therein the "baggage" will be lifted from that new relationship. This one is horribly scarred beyond repair. And I have tried, I have 7 years of trying.