7 Years of Living Like a Monk

I started reading these stories for the first time today. I feel good that I'm not alone with this problem, and bad that so many of us have to deal with it. My 20 year wedding anniversary (Oct '08) may not happen. There has been no romance in our marriage for seven (7) years and I think I'm about done. We are fantastic housemates, business partners, and good friends---but that's where it ends. Her high-profile job totally consumes her----alcohol doesn't help-----and we've grown apart on a lot of levels. I exercise, she doesn't. I don't need wine every night, she does. I've maintained my weight, she's not too concerned anymore about appearance. I brought up marriage counseling once and she thought it was ridiculous. "Our marriage is great" is what she expresses to others. Do you see the problem here?? By total coincidence I reconnected via the internet with someone I knew over 20 years ago. I have never, ever considered an affair, but I am honestly feeling like that's the direction I'm now heading. My mom had an affair while married to my dad, and it devastated him. I am concerned about similar consequences with my wife, but frankly I feel trapped in this situation without a nice easy remedy. :(
oregontimber oregontimber
46-50, M
3 Responses Jan 12, 2008

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Much of what you have written is dead on and well taken. SOME CLARIFICATION: <br />
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There is no question my wife has other stressors in her life---namely her job which consumes her 24/7. She has always been hesitant to consider looking for other work---despite my encouragement---because she is paid well. I definitely don't want to give the wrong impression of her either---she is a kind person who doesn't have a mean bone in her body. The problem is that we have grown apart and there has been no romance in years and probably never will be. Alcoholism runs in her family, and I detect this becoming an issue with my wife. AN ANALOGY: Try and remember the best room mate you ever had. You had a lot in common, shared some of the same interests, wanted some of the same things-----but you were not romantic. That's my situation. I have tried to make things right for years. We actually DO go out to nice restaurants regularly and have traveled to some romantic places during our marriage. But actual romance? Forget about it. Try going to Paris, staying in a romantic hotel while you watch other couples (of all ages) act like kids on prom night. And all your partner wants to do is drink wine and talk shop!!Oooooh---that's not good.

If you met someone on the internet, it is okay to communicate and just be friends. Listen to each other.<br />
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If you know this person from the past, it does not mean they are the same as they were then. Don't put sex in that relationship it will ruin your friendship in time.<br />
Be patient with your wife. Look at the strengths she has. Do something fun with her. Maybe take her to a nice movie and out to dinner. See how she reacts. She could very well be stressed out. Remember why you and her got together in the first place. Good luck.

if you are actually willing to get a divorce then you might force counciling. you wife is in denial about her job, wt, marriage, and probably alcoholism. good luck.