Feeling Like A Unwanted Person

Ive been married to my husband for almost six years.  This is my first mariage, it is this fifth.  I know that should have sent major red flags, but hey I was and still am stupid. Yes, every wife except me has cheated on me.

here is my story, I was terrified of sex when we got together, he totally changed my mind and finally made me comfortable with myself sexually.  He was so patient and caring and completely devoted to me sexually.  Then I married him, and it was like a switch went off in his brain, he was no longer interested in my sexually, and just to lecture me about responsibility.  We had responsibilitites and we were grown adults and we needed to act like it.

I spent the first year dieting myself down to the smallest Ive been since I was 25.  I thought it was the way that I looked, I cried, begged and prayed for things to change, I only response I ever got is that he works longer hours than I do, and he gets up sooner in the morning than I do. I spent the first  2 years trying to change me, hoping that if I was a prettier person, better mother, better wife, better housekeeper, was more responsibile, tried to act like he thought a woman my age should act, he would be interested in me.

Im sorry to say that none of that worked, so I threatened him, told him to go to a doctor, to please get help,  It took a year from the time that I threatened him for him to actually have a testerone test.  Well, big suprise he has a testerone problem, the doctor gave him a prescription of testerone gel.  I thought things would change in the 3 to 6 months that they were susposta change.  Once again, nothing changed. he only complained about the cost of the gel and the possible side effects, and he said it didnt work for him.  He has no desire for me or any other woman.   So it was time for the 6 month check up (last month).  He quit taking the medication and said he couldnt afford to go to the doctor.

I tired to suggest that he not give up, that there were other treatments available, he will not hear of it.  He believes that he has done everything that he should be doing.  So to make a long story short I got every angry and told him how selfish he was, and that I had never believed he was a selfish lover and that if I had known sex was all about him, I probably wouldn't have married him in the first place. I was actually cruel enought to tell him that even paralyized men care more about their wifes sexual needs than he does mine, and I was tired of being in a sex-less marriage.

He honestly believes that now I have expressed how I feel, everything is fine.  He has completely dismissed the issue and believes that everything is fine now that his wife got it off her chest. 

If someone has any idea how to save this gigantic mess, please let me now.

skay1 skay1
13 Responses Nov 29, 2010

Hi, My partner married once with 18 years older woman than him, that time he was 21 she was 39.<br />
After 14 years he divorced her. After years we start to live together,that time i was married with one daughter,. He was 37 , i was 35 before he was moved in with me we had a great sex for almost 9 months. Within 3 months same thing happen to me, he wasn't interested in sex at all .<br />
I thought some thing to do with me, don't take me wrong, 95 % men would love to have me,by looks i am well above average . I was confused, wanted to know is any other woman in his life. He is real... you know why he told me, i can make love to any woman except you<br />
I was so stupid i believed it, begged him, cried , he was screeming , even hit me, five years passed.<br />
I stop crying, but i thought he does not find me sexually attractive. I am very friendly happy face out side, inside i was crying..13 years passed , one night i saw thist movie,the story of the movie is , that husband can't make love, he married beccause he does not want live alone, it hit me, just hit me.<br />
Remembered years ago he made love for 2 minutes just for him..may be few times, i told him no...<br />
So i wanted to get this from his mouth, next day when we were in a car , i said '' why you never <br />
said you can't make love ?'' he said,'' what's a point telling you ?''<br />
So all these years ,, he made me think something to do with me. I was scoked , shamed , how stupid <br />
of me. Earlier he must have used something to make love ,after he got me for he stop useing it.<br />
Now 17 years passed i am not married to him, still with him, we don't even kissed for years..<br />
Friends and families think we are the best couple, he is wealtwise okay, provide okay.<br />
I cry everyday , not for sex.. for love.<br />
If you want to leave...leave..he won't change...because they can't make love , they can't be happy<br />
and they can't make others happy,,, if God brings right man into my life,,i will walk out.<br />
I feel he lied and cheated me, i know you might think ,'' you are not married, why are you with him?''<br />
He has houses, he is worried to marry me,,,yes i know what you are thinking..it is not easy..<br />
I am sure he won't change,, may be someone out there for me...

Like others have said I am sure he probably did the exact same thing with his first 4 wives. OR was it 5 I forget :-) Could be one of those that loves the conquest but then once that is acomplished the game is over & so is he. Like another suggested he could well have a personality disorder. Any way you look at it it is a nearly impossible situation to deal with. Hang out here a while. Read the many post of like minded people & know that it IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! It wouldn't matter if you were on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. The result would be the same....."Not tonight, I have a headache, I am tired, The moon phase is wrong".....etc etc. Best of luck :-)

wow, thanks for all the responses. I guess I just needed to vent to someone who doesnt know me.<br />
<br />
I have always believed it takes two to ruin a relationship. Everyone that I personally talk to keep telling me to look at the positive not the negative. <br />
<br />
I have really tried to center on the fact that he is a good father, provider and a decent human being, he has never hit, yelled or mistreated me in any other way. I guess I am just a romatic and am still praying for the gold at the end of a rainbow.<br />
<br />
Admiting failure is just not easy for me. I really believe that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Sadly, I cant fix this by myself. Starting over will not be easy, I just need to wrap my brain around the fact that their are situations that I cant fix, and both of us has to be willing to change. <br />
<br />
Truthfully failure sucks. Giving-up your life sucks worse, but being treated like my body is worse than a toxic waste site is hell.

The only lasting fix is leaving... time for an exit plan.

The fact that he thinks now that you have had your say everything is OK in his world, should tell you he is not listening. You have NO responsibility towards a man who treats you like this. Walking the walk is the only thing he's going to understand. It may be your only option.

Ah. Another citizen of the country called Denial. Your H is not going to change. He will stay the way he is, quite happily. He has what he wants.<br />
<br />
If you want the situation to change, you'll have to change it yourself.

Not to pile on, but I doubt he is ever going to change into the partner you want him to be. You and him are in a sex drive/attitude mismatch. <br />
<br />

I have a similar yet different story. My wife had never been married before nor lived common law when we married. She was 43. She remains attractive so appearance was never an issue.<br />
<br />
I should have red flagged this myself. Someone who has not lived in a committed relationship by age 43 is/was probably not ready for such a life changing event. Even though we have now been married for 8 years, the last two sexless, she still mentions how 'weird' it sometimes feels to be married.<br />
<br />
I've also known a number of men who remained single well into their 40's. By then they have become so accustomed to their lifestyle that they will never marry. Others have been mamma's boys and for that reason never become the marrying kind.

Sadly, I can totally relate to your situation.<br />
<br />
How can you save your marriage? Umm ... you can't, that's really up to him.<br />
<br />
There is a line between you and him and you can only control what is on your side of the line; and unless he steps up and does something on his side of the line it will never change. The only way you can be happy is when you take care of the items on your side of the line.

I'm so sorry, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I really feel you. That's so terrible.

I won't opine about whether you should try and salvage this or not. That's your business, not mine.<br />
<br />
But I will give you an opinion about how successful you are likely to be if you do try and salvage it.<br />
<br />
Not very.<br />
<br />
Point is, as you have noted yourself, he has no interest in fixing it or even attempting to. So it is dead in the water. YOU can want to change it as much as YOU like - and then some, but it can't make one iota of difference. Without his whole hearted engagement and committment to the process, it cannot advance.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I don't understand why you want to save this marriage. Reread what you wrote and ask yourself why you need to be with this guy.?<br />
<br />
You sound miserable and hurt and confused. you twisted youself inside out for him and he didn't even notice, so why are you so determined to stay with him?<br />
<br />
Besides, aparently he thinks now that you had your say, everything is fine. That sounds an awful lot like my life, and trust me, you don't want to be there. <br />
<br />

Why don't we swap partners? Your miserable OH and my miserable OH could unite in a frigid sexless marriage and you'd never complain about lack of sex from me, I promise ;-)