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Do You Think We Just Get Bored .....

Do you think that we get bored of our partner - it's not just sex and intimacy as we all know and have discussed ad infinitum, but boredom - total and utter boredom with the person we are married too?
wisiwig wisiwig 46-50, F 28 Responses Nov 30, 2010

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When my husband and I make love it is great (but SO infrequent), but I have to admit that yes, sometimes I do feel bored. I think he gets uncomfortable with my sexuality, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with somebody playful and adventurous in the bedroom, somebody who I could explore my fantasies with, somebody who could explore their fantasies with me. I remember one of the rare days we were alone together and after just doing it we were laying there naked on the mattress and I said to him, "honey I will be your sex slave for the rest of the day, what would you like me to do?" He was like, "I just want to hold you in my arms". I was like "oh". There is so much potential that I have now come to accept will never be realized in this relationship, barring a miracle.

I will admit that my ex could be a stick in the mud, however, I would not classify it as boring and I was not bored. Frustrated as hell, yes, but bored, no. Those that get married thinking it's always going to be fun and exciting are still inmature.



I agree with Z that WP hit the nail on the head.

Wisi, don't sell yourself short and don't give yourself a guilt trip. You are not just bored with your h. He had YEARS of loving, affectionate Wisi and he made an *** of himself. He disconnected from you and ignored you until you couldn't take it anymore. Now that you have had a taste of what real passion and a man who takes your wants and needs into account, you cannot settle for less. You've been woken up, Wisi and you can't hide the fact that you are a blooming flower in a snowdrift anymore.

No its not boredom, its real pain because we feel rejected and we have all grown up with the idea that if we love someone they will love us back and when that does not occur, we are rejected! Being rejected is one of the worst possible emotions to deal with??

Hi Wisi.

I don't know what would refine boredom. Is it that which is left when everything that was there in the begining , ald all that was envisaged but never realised, is gone and one still remains. Something like being in a cold room long after the fire has been extinguished and wondering why we remain?



On a different note. I have a lot of cuts and bruises since joining EP and ILIASM in particular. It reminds me that I am still alive, still learning, nlood still pumping.

Maybe what seems like boredom is just an aversion to the situation. After all if we truly had an interactive marriage going on there would be times when we got a bit tired of the same old things but that's something that can be worked on if you are in it together. In fact just recognizing the fact that you both want to do something new to add a bit of zest can be positive experience in itself. Our difficulty lies in the fact that we have non participating partners who could care less as long as they get to stay in their comfort zone and get things to go their way. That's guaranteed to whip up some anger in us because the one thing that should never be done in marriage is ignoring your partner and these people have that down to an art. In truth I think after a period of that we should have enough sense to know that we are in a love desert and start moving toward finding greener pastures. But most of us just sit in the sun and end up fried.

FofP - I think you have nailed it - I don't want the pain either for myself or my H - and I know it will cause huge amount of pain for all concerned. I am going to have to think about this for a long while.

I think in a normal marriage wheres sex is regular there is always some boredom. But in a normal marriage that's not always a bad thing. It can cause each to examaine ways to spice things up a bit. In my first marriage sex was regular but with her having no sense of passion or romance I would be lying if I said it was never boring. It did cause us each to do things & step out of the box a little. Nothing major but her with nice outfits were about as far as she was willing to go. In a SM I am in agreement with everybody else. Can't get bored with what your not getting..LOL

Wisi - I was going to say that to you.



Being bored means - no longer in love. Yes, you have hard choices to make soon.



I now belong in the camp of treating our sex life like she's always treated it - with apathy. I could easily be seen as bored… but, I prefer sad, tired, and disengaged. A time for change is probably close for me as well… then again… I've stayed this long in the same **** hole.

Im not bored of her, Im tired of it all, so so tired. She always has had a lot of good things to say, but over the last few years and justas many have said here, she is predictable in her coldness and refusal to be intimate. It spreads like a disease.

I am bored of the solitude.

Boredom with the situation maybe. Boredom with never being able to fix the problem. Boredom with waking up every morning and it is the same place, same problem just a different day, week after week and year after year. Boredom withe feeling sad, and crying a lot. .



I would like a change. I would like a day where I am happy to be me and where I am at.



Neuilly

I think perhaps your first clue was the affair, wisi...



...and it, and all the rest is avoidance of pain... and perfectly natural and human thing to do.



You aren't a coward... the sort of major life change you are facing is incredibly daunting, and the boredom factor is apathy... For many, it is pain that finally forces them to make a change. In your case, the pain is in the change itself. Much, much more difficult to face.



Walking away from pain is a damn site easier than walking into it...

I don't think that two people that really love each other can become that bored with each other.



Bored= just don't care to be there

I liked the guy. He was entertaining on many levels. I hated leaving him.



I have since discovered he is a selfish ******* but that came later.



Princess WantsToDoItLikeOnTheDiscoveryChannel

Thanks guys for all your comments - I have to say that I didn't mean to post this as a story, but as a question on the forum, something went wrong there!!!



Reading through all the interesting and well considered comments there appears to be a theme - I don't think I like the theme, but it may very well be true. The fact that I am 'bored' with my H is a sure sign that

a) I am probably no longer in love with him

b) Have disconnected from him and the marriage

c) Need to think about this - even if I don't want to.

e) Yuk - I am a coward.



Once again thank you for posting, it is often only through the considered responses that I can see through the forest of trees that is my particular blind spot at the moment.



Wisi

Nope... it wasn't boredom... I enjoyed his company... we had a lot in common. He was one of the few people that I could spend endless amounts of time with without getting bored, or tired of his company... and after 20 years... that hadn't changed...



...disillusionment, resentment, sadness, a deep longing ache for intimacy, for sex... yes...



...boredom, no... not until I finally stopped loving him... then I got tired of him, and tired of his crap.



I think that is where you may be.... out of love... and then the rest is just a waste of time.

footballbat: wow, you posted what I was going to!



Death by a thousand cuts indeed :-(

It is not boredom is killing my marriage. Its more a death of a thousand cuts. Not one single incident or refusal did it for me more like a series of never ending denials, arguments and angry lonely nights. We still get along swell, I have just given up the fight for intimacy. I have really moved beyond it all. It is as unimportant to me now as it always has been for her.



It is time to move on very soon.

I don't think it's boredom, either....it is the huge void that exists from the lack of sexual and emotional intimacy...

I agree with everyone else - I think the boredom is a coping mechanism for the pain of a relationship not working. It's easier to say that you are bored with a person and to avoid being emotionally close to them than to keep trying to connect and getting burned (in whatever way that might be). Boredom is the way that someone pulls themselves out of what is hurting them. Even with sex - not being all there (or half assed as meerin said, which kinda makes me laugh if I think about it too hard) is a way of protection from being open and honest with feelings.

Not for me.

I do agree that there is a disconnect. I also thought that things became boring, but in reading everyone's responses, I realize that I wanted to attribute the problems to boredom instread of facing the real problems. Someday I hope to be able to face these things...

No, I'm not bored. I think you can tell when the sex is disconnected and half-assed, though.

Tired and beat down. Stuck. But it wasn't boredom.

It might be that we just get tired of being shot down, it's hard on your self confidence for sure . But I don't think it's really boredom as we actually discover that they don't love us like we need to be loved. Eventually we find ourselves asking that question why am I still here? Once you ask that question usually you are on your road out because the situation is becoming intolerable. This site has taught a lot of people to look hard at their situation and often they find something that they don't like very much. It takes longer to fall out of love than it does to fall into it but it seems to happen fairly often. Marriages that survive have to keep reinventing themselves to keep things going and that takes two people working together, our problem is that we don't have someone that's interested in making the necessary effort and one person can never do it alone. After being hung out to dry a few times there is usually a build up of anger and once that happens I don't think there will ever be a way back. Bored no, angry, resentful, yes then it's really over but too many people just keep hoping and walking down the road to self destruction.

Not really a boredom factor for me either wisi. But I need to qualify that to an extent. The "predictability" I certainly did tire of. But I don't equate predictability with boredom.



Tread your own path.

I was very nasty to a man on another story for making the same comment. LOL

It might be true in some cases, I guess.



But, to me, it trivialises our pain and suffering to say that it's boredom.



Everyone expects life to go in cycles. The thrill will not always be there. So, how do we work around it? And that is the true test of a marriage.



We leave, or the marriage fails because of so much else..a LOT of contributing factors. It's NEVER just ONE.

Nup, not boredom for me. I really got on well with my dear Ex. We had great conversations and shared a lot of interesting discussions. For me, the real killers were the lack of intimacy and sex. closely followed by issues of control.