Looking For Input...

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years.  We moved to a different city and she got a new job.  This means that she got all new friends at work.  They are all younger then her except for the boss.  She is in a position of trust and authority, that she breached in getting together with me.  She was also married at the time that we started seeing each other.  Her divorce isn't final yet...  In that time I acted as a father to her two young children.  

Shortly after the move our relationship really began to change.  When she would come home she would basically fall asleep as soon as we were alone.  Leaving me on Facebook for communication with friends.  She would no longer initiate sex and when I did she would come up with an excuse as to why we couldn't or she would promise that she would wake me up in the morning and never follow thru.

Am I crazy or is there something going on that I'm not aware of?
Blei420 Blei420 18-21, M 26 Responses Nov 30, 2010

Your Response


Hi Blei.

You certainly have had it rough and I will look into this futher, later. However, as Enna said, a serious breach of professional trust has been made by the woman/partner at your expense. I can see where anyone seems better than no one and why , in such a scenario, you continue to be with her.

But, try and see that instead of giving you stability, constancy and, endorsement she is actually prpetrating your continued sense of insecurity and inferiority, loneliness, etc.

You are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to youn to be burdened with the responsibility of rearing someone else's kids and there is absolutely no justification for imposing that burden on you.

I see from your profile that you like looking at pretty girls (who doesn't) etc etc. That's what you should be doing....going out and chasing skirt and enjoying your teens and young years.

May i suggest that you join a youth club , sports club, chess club or some club where you can be with kids of your own age. Eventually you will develop a circle of friends and this will change your perspective on life.

Lastly, report that woman to her employers and professional organisation. This will ive you an immewnse sense of power and enhance your self esteem.

You won't be doing it to get even or to punish her. You WILL ACTUALLY be doing it TO PROTECT OTHER VULNERASBLE KIDS like yourself. It may even help you in your transition into young adult hood.

Don't worry about the minor skirmishes you have previously had with the law. In most cases they are later understoon as a .. almost...'rite of passage' during adolescence.

AND always remember that YOU ARE NORMAL!!!!! it is the situation that you found yourself in that was abnormal.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Make sure you enjoy it.

What does your gut tell you? Go with your instinct thats why we have it.

Wow, Blei, I read more of your posts. Your story is eerily similar to mine. I was adopted, thrown out of the house at a young age, fell in love young. All of the above.

Okay, listen carefully to me, the rest of your life depends on this.

1. Get yourself out of the situation.

2. Find a job, go to school, or both.

3. Take your time, don't let other people influence your decision making. Start listening to your own gut. I am assuming that you have never really developed who you were. You don't know anything about yourself, and this woman is the easy way out for you instead of doing what you should be doing. Learning about yourself.

4. Again, take your time. Learn about yourself. Love yourself, because chances are, until you love yourself no one else will. Life can be fun. Do some things that you would love to do. If you don't know what you would love to do, that's okay, the more you work on yourself, the more you will discover that you like.

5. Stop trying to please others.

6. Repeat positive messages to yourself everyday.

7. Exercise everyday. Ben Franklin said exercising daily was the most important thing you can do for yourself.

Well, that's all I got for now. Just take your time, don't get caught up in anyone else's drama. I'm sure you are quite vulnerable to be sucked into dramatic situations.

I haven't read all of this thread, but you are a young man. Go out and enjoy your life. You are focusing on a woman who really doesn't care about you and is probably using you. Just pack up and run as fast as you can.

Looking back on my life, I realize that I have missed out on so much joy. I should have just been working one job instead of three to please my wife. I should have been having fun, smiling, and laughing. Instead, I was getting nagged at morning, noon, and night, and refused sex.

Listen closely, the world is your oyster. Use your diagnosis to create an opportunity for yourself. Take a big risk and follow your secret dream and ambition that you have told no one about because you don't think it could happen. Get out and live.

Live can be a good thing, but it won't be good living it for someone else, especially when that someone else doesn't care about you.

I think being young is about having fun and you seem kinda trapped.

As for her, maybe she really is tired and needs to rest. I can relate to that...

I think you can communicate best by talking.... women seem to do best by that.. keep actions in the direction of what you want... she will show you with hers

I have to agree with Enna.

I think you were taken advantage of. Yes, you may have been attracted to her, but as an adult and as a caseworker, she should have kept clear boundaries and not let an intimate situation happen. Sadly, people in authority sometimes misuse that trust. It sounds like she is really using you for her own needs and not taking yours into account, which is sad and not at all the way it should be.

What good things does she bring to your life? Why are you still with her? I think most of us understand not wanting to be alone, but you are 21 at the most and you have many years to find someone.

I am seeing a counselor now... actually the women in question had requested I did, as I always had these anger out bursts... It went from "You need to stop that, and get help because it's not healthy for the kids to be in that situation". I agreed 100%, I realize I have an anger problem.

I've seen Doctors, and one said my anger was a form of my depression.

My brother, he's awesome I love him to death still & always will, but he's usually focused on himself. He doesn't understand the struggle I am going through (and he shouldn't, he's never been a relationship like mine). Although we BOTH suffer from HIGH DEPRESSION.

I just don't know anymore. I'm not here for pity, just support.

I've been here like 1/2 a day... and you guys are already making more sense of what I couldn't and are awesome.

Love this place already.

Blei, I have tears in my eyes reading this. Your lady betrayed the trust in her given to her by her workplace in the WORST way IMO. Having a relationship with a client is a HUGE breach of trust.

I am so very sad for you that you have no-one around to depend on - is your brotherstill a part of your life?

I see your desire for a "normal family life" (which you have triued really hard to create with this woman) as a very natural outcome of your disturbed and abusive childhood. Sadly though, it will NOT come true with her . . . .

Are you receiving counselling? I'm sure you will have had counselling in the past - and maybe you did not find it helpful . . . ? But a good counsellor would REALLY be helpful to you now IMO. Someone objective with your best interests in mind, to help you figure out what you really want and how to get it. Please think about it.

It's true, many of the comments to make me feel sick. My head swims every night and day with thoughts, about well - everything....

I respect what everyone has said here, it shows since it is more than one person. There is so much more to this story... (I apologize for not saying it all @ once).

I was found abandoned as a baby with my brother, by our biological Grandmother who could not look after us due to severe health problems...

From there, I was put into C.A.S then foster homed with my brother some serious things happened there, including being duct taped, and fondled by a male.

Finally, I caught my big break... or so I thought. My brother and I were lucky enough to be adopted together (C.A.S made sure we were a "package deal" as I naturally couldn't leave my brother & wanted to be with him always, and make sure he was safe (even at that young age)...).

At age 15 I was diagnosed with Auto-Immune Hep. This caused all sorts of problems @ home, especially with my mother. Our family broke apart, fell apart so quickly. I was kicked out at 16. I have been making it on my own since...

I got caught up in a few snags along the way & found myself in Group Homes, and that is where I met the girl in question... She was my one on one worker, and as bad as it sounds - "we fell in love".

The rest, you know...

I guess what I am trying to say is, I have no one. I have never felt needed, wanted, loved, appreciated, accepted, liked, etc.... (except for when I was with her & things were "great").

We had plans on getting married, having another kid (I came inside her because she actually ASKED me too..... now I wonder if she had asked me too so that she could make an excuse to "stay with me to continue the bullshit games". She's tried to break us up before ---

I always run back to her, and when she sees me in person - we "fall in love again" or so it feels.

I honestly have no one to turn to, I have one person (a friend who is a member of this site) and without talking to her, and you guys now... I think my state would be so much worse... I'd be at the Ward already.

And she is a VERY disturbed woman herselkf. Her behaviour is erratic and unpredictable. She is capable of and has acted without any thought for others, She has abused her position of trust and abused you. She lies and is highly manipulative. I strongly suspect a personality disorder here - altho I am NOT a doctor.

People with personality disorders are almost impossible as partners in a relationship. Unless they accept there is a problem AND deal with it, their behaviour is very likely to result in all sorts of problems, including ones you have not yet faced.

And as for the paternity issue, trust and love are NOT to be confused. Just because you love someone does not mean you "have to" trust them. Trust is earned by a person who demonstrates through his/her behaviour that s/he can be trusted. Your girlfriend has NOT demonstrated she can be trusted - so she is definitely being manipulative when she arcs up over a paternity test. (BTW< I'm betting she isn't even pregnant. . . . she will soon have a "convenient" miscarriage IMO!)

LEAVE NOW. Buy a ticket back to your home town. Stay with your family - I'm betting they will be really GLAD you have left her.

Before you go, take the kids on an outing and give them their Christmas gifts early. Explain that you won't be back. This will be HARD to do, but it is important for the kids' sense of trust. They will find it very hard to grow up trusting anyone with a mother like their's. Be the adult who treats them with respect.

And as others have said, it may be HARD now - but it will be much harder later.

LondonsSon has said enough here.

You are currently being played to the fullest extent. If you stay, I have the utmost pity for you. She is spoonfeeding you your answer and yet you are still blind.

She… does… NOT… love… you. (thank you AC)


I just read your last post!!

Please please please wake up!

Stop worrying about being alone! You actually sound like a half-decent guy and you're so young!

I cant believe she reacted that way about the paternity test! Sounds like a child who shouts at you when they have been caught out!

End this now. For your sake mate!

Hello Mate,

I have got to say that it seems you kinda have an inkling as to what might be going on.

I think the vast majority of contributors to your paricular post are coming to the same conclusion about where this is going and I bet its making you feel sick everytime another comment comes up, as they all seem to be saying the same thing.

From the age bracket you are in, I personally feel you should be, um, how would I say..."sowing your wild oats" haha, but this is your situation and you want advice on that.

I would say you should have a lot of reason to doubt the future of this relationship. I really really really hate to say the following, but I will. She was married when you met her, you said you would accept her kid and you moved to suit her work needs. In her eyes she owns you. Open your eyes mate, talk to her and tell her that if things dont change, it may be time to move on.


Good luck pal.

Many of the comments made a light go on above my head.

I've been reading through some other peoples stories too and have found some of the same situations, and worse.... excuses. One of them being "Ovarian Cysts" I was told that she had these "cysts" on her ovaries and it made it painful to have sex.

She was seeing her family doctor about these, trying to figure out a way to get rid of them (she was also on birth control) at the time. Before now, I never knew that they went away...

It's one night she is telling me she loves me, and is sorry for hurting me, etc, etc we will hang up the phone (since I am no longer living with her at the moment) with the usual "I love you" & "sweet dreams". Being promised that 100% the following day she will come and see me (my reasoning for moving back here, to be closer to her which is something she had asked).

When I say "asked" I mean she more or less said "If you move back here, then you will have shown me that you made your decision to be with me".

Her birthday is in a couple of days (2 to be exact) I had made a reservation for just us two at one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

I've told her that even though I am not living there, I will still help with some financial issues that she is telling me she is going through. Still picked out Christmas presents for the kids (as I was promised I would be spending it with them).

She wont email me, call me, she logged into my Facebook (which I JUST found out), deleted the photo I had of here up there with the caption of "The most amazing girl, my beautiful girlfriend..." (corny maybe, but it's how I feel).

I am so scared, my worst fear is being alone and I truly believed that we would be together for the rest of our lives.

She also recently told me that she could possibly be pregnant with "our" child...

When I requested that we got a paternity test done if she was in fact pregnant and had a baby, she lost it on me. Calling me Un-trusting, and anything else she could "throw" at me.

I always had suspicion that she was having yet, another "affair" it just sucks if it's really happening.

i would say take a look at her past relationship/divorce and you may find some answers. It isn't fool-proof, but based on how she is acting towards you now… it begs to ask how she may have acted in the past with the failed marriage. It could be carbon copies, and we all know they don't change their spots.

If it isn't going to work for you with her, it probably won't work for her with anyone else. So - it isn't you.

Control is a powerful thing. Take yours back and do what YOU need to do for yourself.

Please think about this situation very carefully--RUN--this woman cannot love you and she is proving it by the day. She is not there for you in any way at the moment. There are so many lovely people to meet in this world and having a disability does not mean that you have to settle for anything that comes alone--so, at first it was good--you provided more than one service to her and she liked you and took you with her. She sounds like she wants to move on, so I would let her. Untangle yourself and go have some fun with friends. We all have our hearts broken if we go out into the world. The strength to move on is one of the things everyone should strive for and learn to do.

Ok given the additional history there's not much question that this relationship isn't going to work out to the benefit of the guy in question. As for moving to a strange place well that makes it more difficult because it further isolates you and makes it easier to control you. Doesn't seem to be much concern or love in this equation so you should be looking for the exit. It's more difficult when you have a disability issue but if you were surviving before you met her you can do it again. Some women seem to like being in a position where they can push a guy around and choose partners that are vulnerable for that reason. In this case I think it's time to stop being a Cat Toy and get yourself back. Evaluating a relationship is hard when you are in it but stepping back and asking yourself if this is really what you want and are you willing to accept the way you are being treated usually leads to an epiphany of sorts. It becomes clear that there is no future in it and that it's time to move on. Good Luck with it.

Ok I hope he doesn't get mad at me for this but I will fill you all in a little more...

The question what he does for a living came up... how he financially contributes to the house hold. He was diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis at 16. He is unable to work and is on disability for it.

The situation as he describes started about 7 months ago since then things have been very interesting to say the least. About a month ago she drove him to their previous home town and dropped him off at the mall asking when she should come back to get him. She never did. They are still "together" in some sort of way... but she is being very hot and cold. She keeps saying that she will do things and never follows thru. Last night she was supposed to come see him at 6:45. She never came, never called, emailed or anything (that is how he ended up on EP...). Telling him that he should be acting like a typical person his age is useless. He isn't really. It isn't like he hasn't or doesn't party but he kind of can't because of his health. He is also very mature and grounded for his age.

At any rate he has done everything that she has asked of him, like all of us do and he is still being pushed away. He isn't just being refused sex he is being refused love and respect from this woman who is older then me.

Think about the signs, the previous comments you need to have in mind. But maybe shes just tired? Make her feel like you really want her, when she gets home get her a coffee, wake her up a little... Make everything romantic, and see what happens, if it gets any worse about her going home and not wanting sex, then you might just want to confront her about the situation you feel is happening. Im sure she would want you to open up to her, it makes a lady feel like there man actually trusts in them with personal things.

I'm with @Teger on this one. Maybe she really IS tired. Working in a position of authority and providing for you all will take it's toll.

Having said that, I don't think you should be in such a relationship at this point in your life. You should be out partying and getting drunk and just being young!

Stop the Mrs Robinson deal. Kiss her and get out.

With all due respect, I have to question the conclusions that have been drawn here. I don't like to be the naysayer, but do you really think that the post contains enough information to reach these conclusions? I can't help but wonder what the rest of the story is. Could it be possible that this woman is exhausted from her new job? The OP did not mention his job, is he contributing to the household? Have they discussed the issues? A lot of other questions come to mind as well.

I have received nothing but good advice from this group, which I appreciate so much, and you all obviously know much more about this than I do. So I am not suggesting that I have a better answer for this, and when you consider the age range of the OP, getting out is probably the smartest thing he could do right now. However, I wonder if some situations might actually have an alternative solution.

One should always be learning irrespective of ones age. But I think you learn the most - and recover from **** situations better - when you are young.

Mate, there is definitely something going on here. Probably doesn't matter what (but could be that she is getting her needs met elsewhere, has turned into a lesbian, has gone nuts, anything) as the fact is that you are alone apart from some babysitting duties.

And, you are out of your environment with no friends available to give you some perspective on your situation.

I am figuring when you moved with her that you didn't bring much. Pack it up. Arrange somewhere to stay for a bit (maybe among your old circle of friends). **** off.

And, learn from this. It's been a pretty good lesson, and at this point, not too many people are going to get too banged up by it.

Tread your own path.

LEAVE KID! Judging by your age bracket and what and HOW you have posted, you're just learning the ropes of this relationship thing. I'm guessing this woman is probably the best lay/ sex you've ever had. Why else would you be willing to be shackled down playing the stepfather role at such a young age. By the way, just in the same way she played her husband and snuck around his back, she will do the same to you. The thrill of of having you is now long gone since she knows that you were a sucker enough to move and follow her. And now you're not even getting sex. But even if you were, it is still a very stupid situation that will just end up wasting your time. You will be and are being used.

Let her go and be glad. Find yourself someone without baggage and have fun, you'll have plenty of time for your own family later in life.

Take it from somebody who foolishly lived in your shoes. I look back and just shudder at how much of an idiot i was. I however, was lucky enough to get out in time before i made an even worse mistake, like getting someone pregnant. It could happen.

You're being used as a domestic servant. Go home or move elsewhere and find a woman without kids or emotional baggage. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit.

"Shortly after the move our relationship really began to change. When she would come home she would basically fall asleep as soon as we were alone. Leaving me on Facebook for communication with friends. She would no longer initiate sex and when I did she would come up with an excuse as to why we couldn't or she would promise that she would wake me up in the morning and never follow thru."

That's how my marriage started on its slippery slope to Nosexsville. Red flags aplenty there son.

Well you already know what I think...