How Many Of You/us...

You just echo the questions that runs through my mind often. I wonder sometimes if I have done harm by staying. Yes it is important they have a father, but am I teaching them this is the way marriage should be. I hope not, if so I have done their future spouses a great injustice. We are suppose to lead by example, and I do in all other areas in my life, my marriage just does not reflect the life I wish for my kids.

It's a tough place to be...that's for certain....many of us would like to know when it's the right time, if ever, to break up a family.....all I know is, my kids aren't happy seeing their mom unhappy....

I often feel that only a miracle will save my marriage. I used to pray for God to change me, then I prayed for God to change her. I feel my soul has been lost for years and years. But, somehow at the same time, I think I'm doing the right thing in keeping our family together.

I appreciate the questions and all of the insightful comments. For me, this is really the single greatest challenge for me to wrap my head around. I decided to bring an innocent child into this world, and I would willing embrace a SM, pain, frustration, danger et al if it meant providing him with a better life. I don't have anything to add to the previous posts on which course is best for children of various ages, and I wish I had the answer.



That said, I often wonder if I am putting the label of "what is best for my son" on my overall reluctance to rock the boat and expose my unfulfilled, but well structured life to so much change and uncertainty. Different than several here, my wife and I are not actively at each other's throats and I can mitigate my slow burning frustration by throwing myself into work, sports and an active fantasy life.



Am I alone thinking that concerns over family continuity (while incredibly valid) may be an emotionally safe justification to maintain the status quo? I don't want to be nursing some distant hope of a real change in my marriage after ten more years, and wouldn't be surprised if some the more apparent bitterness and animosity is just over the horizon for us.

This echoes my own circumstance. I tried and tried and finally, I have to say it must have been 2005 my resolve to keep trying began to die. Yes, the children (3 of them) do know and the oldest has known for years and understands why I continued to try but has reached the point where she has thrown in the mental towel and just prays the best for her parents. She takes no sides and sees both as equally frustrating to the other. Our 15 y/o son pretends he is oblivious and the 8 y/o is pretty innocent but not for long.



I feel trapped. Up until this past time he took me knowing I was not in it, I maintained in my mind "if he could only approach on a friends level until we could stabilize", but, it's impossible and although he is very much involved in the kid's schedules, pick up, drop offs, laundry, cooking (yes, he is a domestic partner)...he checks out after working hours and it's him, budweiser, tobacco, salsa, marihuana and obliteration. He staggers and we all find ways to not get him upset in any way because he becomes an *******....



Today, to me, it is what it is and in the words of Gordon Lightfoot "I just can't get it back".

This echoes my own circumstance. I tried and tried and finally, I have to say it must have been 2005 my resolve to keep trying began to die. Yes, the children (3 of them) do know and the oldest has known for years and understands why I continued to try but has reached the point where she has thrown in the mental towel and just prays the best for her parents. She takes no sides and sees both as equally frustrating to the other. Our 15 y/o son pretends he is oblivious and the 8 y/o is pretty innocent but not for long.



I feel trapped. Up until this past time he took me knowing I was not in it, I maintained in my mind "if he could only approach on a friends level until we could stabilize", but, it's impossible and although he is very much involved in the kid's schedules, pick up, drop offs, laundry, cooking (yes, he is a domestic partner)...he checks out after working hours and it's him, budweiser, tobacco, salsa, marihuana and obliteration. He staggers and we all find ways to not get him upset in any way because he becomes an *******....



Today, to me, it is what it is and in the words of Gordon Lightfoot "I just can't get it back".

Lakeside, I've only recently become aware of the IMAGO workshops. Could you tell us a bit about how this worked for you? (NOT as in changing your wife!! I can see that is still in doubt . . . ) I'm wondering if these workshops are as good as they sound? Did you feel it had any "bad" sides? And what were the "good sides" of the process? Thanks!!

I told my wife a few years ago that 'if it weren't for the kids - I doubt we'd still be together'.



Well, the kids are getting to the age (22/20/16) where it's less of an issue for me - but as I am committed to planning for their college expenses and a bit more - it unfortunately leaves little for me. I am hanging in there 1) mostly for the kids, 2) because financially it would be devastating and 3) because I still held out hope that we could get our marriage back in a decent setting.



Kids are all growing up great - healthy, well adjusted, doing well in school, etc. Finances are good - but not enough yet to split comfortably, and the optimist in me still believes that my wife 'has it in her' to be a loving, sensuous woman. Some of you know that we've recently participated in an IMAGO couples weekend workshop - which was encouraging - but while there's been ample occasions to rekindle whatever spark is still around - she resists any suggestions and there's be no change at all in SM regard. I think she's waiting for me to become something I'm not...and I may be doing the same...



every year brings me closer to my exit strategy

@bazzar



"super bad" that they would have to spend time alone with their father. They are a little scared of him. He is not violent or abusive. He is emotionless and uninterested in them. But, he would still want visitation with them just to stay in their lives.



They wouldn't have a problem with mum and dad living in separate houses.

@mm



can you clarify ?



The kids think it would be "super bad" that they would have to visit their dad ?



or



"super bad" that mum and dad were not under the same roof ?



Tread your own path.

@xaveon - Thank you for sharing your story. For some of us parents, who are tormented by uncertainties, it is nice to hear the point of view of the child.

My response very much depends on the ability to look down the road for yourself, and your kids.



My parents divorced when I was 14, and while it did mess me up a bit, now that I am 27 and can look back at how dysfunctional their relationship was, I wish they'd split sooner.



I would say the most important thing to keep in mind is to really know why your relationship is/has failed, and be able to explain it to your kids in age appropriate detail.



You don't have to say, "Daddy is leaving because Mommy is frigid" (or vice versa...this forum has taught me the pendulum swings both ways), but you need to be able to explain that Mom and Dad have different ideas of how to love each other, and that's okay, but they don't match anymore...like trying to color with Legos. Both are fun, but different (or some other metaphor...I don't really know, I don't have kids).



Of course the obvious part is, "Make certain the kids know it's not their fault." and maybe get them into counseling so they can feel heard (again, when my parents divorced I knew it had nothing to do with me, but it consumed so much of their lives I felt invisible).



The short version is that I am much more appreciative to have come from a broken home than a dysfunctional one.



There is also the chance that once apart the parents can both grow into their true selves and be friends...my parents did, and it's great to see them actually happy with their lives, and in the same room.

I planned on staying for the kids. Then, I went mad.



Whether it be through madness or courage, I do not know but eventually I started asking my wife some questions. She admitted that she did not love me and that she was planning on leaving me anyway. She also admitted that she knows 100% that I thrive on intimacy and that she was withholding it recently as a way of conditioning me not to want it from her -- she knew no other way to get me to stop asking. So, I told her she had to start making her plans to leave sooner.

I'm staying in my marriage for my children's sake. They are 9 and 10. They have been aware for years that my husband and I do not love each other. That is sad, but it's the way it is. I can't and won't put on an act for them and let them believe that things are normal and happy. It would be impossible for me to pull that act off. The children can see for themselves that my husband's behavior is not the norm. He is cold and emotionless towards me and them. I have asked them how they would feel if my husband and I lived in separate houses and they could visit their father every weekend without me, and their reaction was one of fear and anxiety and they told me that would be "super bad", so for their sakes I am staying in this marriage for another four years. That's when they will be old enough for the Courts/Magistrates to take their wants into consideration. That's my reason for staying and I believe I'm doing the right thing.

http://eternalhope.blogs.experienceproject.com/536266.html



Try that link. It might give you a new perspective.



I finally told my son the truth and his reaction was amazing (to me).



I see it as a balance. We stay in the marriage as long as the situation is bearable. When the compromise is too much to make and our sanity is threatened, we start shifting our focus from our kids to ourselves.



I found honesty to be very helpful.



I told my son that I had given my life and happiness for him. After 10 years, I deserved a degree of happiness as well. What was important was that, I would always put his welfare first and love him and do what was best for him.

The biggest problem with staying for the kids is that you aren't fooling them and they will model their own behavior on what they see in their home because that will be their normal. So two roommate parents who are not openly affectionate or who avoid each other are merely setting the stage for that to be what their children consider to be normal. Some overcome it some don't and there are a lot in the middle that end up confused and struggling with the whole thing. Personally I would rather have lived with a single parent that was happy and reasonably well adjusted than to have lived with the two people that obviously detested the sight of each other. It had influences on me that still reach down to now even though both my parents are dead. It gave me a fear of displeasing people and a terrible shyness that I have struggled with all my life as well as social awkwardness that has made my life difficult. I can say I managed to overcome a lot of it by sheer persistence but it was horribly difficult for me to become a teacher and public speaker with those kinds of things in my background.

I would think this dilema would be common to all people in dysfunctional marriages where there are children involved.



Further, I do not believe there is one definitive "right" answer.



Seems to me that if the two parents take their co-parenting roles seriously, then parting need not be extremely distressing to parent, co-parent or children.



The idea of "putting on an act" to provide the children with a facade of normality might work, if both parents are skilled actors who can play their role 24/7. Of course, if they are that good at acting they can likely put on a convincing act to their spouse too, making the point moot.



Tread your own path.

I don't have children but i would supose that the atmosphere at your home is not the greatest. so kids know. i would also assume that there are many days that you are on auto pilot getting through the day. you are present, but not really there, not really into it.



I would also think that if you were a happier person you would also be a happier more caring parent. There would be more interaction, with your kids because you would be more involved with life. You would be more energetic, because your life would at least have a possibility of being loving and receiving love in return.



Neuilly

Cash! Just cash now, the mind has left...

Counting the days.....



But the journey getting here has been a mind bender in itself!

Read 'too bad to stay too good to leave' (or is it too good to ...) Oh never mind.

Also - Uncoupling by Diane vaughn



And write a list, a list of goods and bads, plus and minus.

And dont lie to yourself, don't warp reality, and look in to yourself and seek your faults.



Then think again with a clear head, with no anger.



And dont get caught in an eternal loop...

been thinking lately that is a possibility.

Many of us would be my guess. Me included. Circles of doubt as to what to do for the best.

I so get what you're trying to say here. I have been struggling for the past few years, trying to figure out what should come first: my kids' happiness of living with both parents or my happiness in wanting to be free. I had two very brief affairs. Obviously a sign that I'm not in love with my husband anymore. The guilt of cheating on him, however, tore me apart. He never found out, although the last one was very close. When I saw the look in his eyes when he told me he was convinced I was seeing someone else, when he told me he was afraid I was leaving him, when he broke down in tears just when my little girls walked in the room, my heart shattered to pieces.

I cannot break up my family! I am a mother and it is my job to make my children happy. I have decided to try my very best in making this marriage work. My marriage has never been sexless, a few drinks always do the trick. We don't shout at eachother, I'm just not in love with him anymore. I look at my husband and the thoughts of having to spend the rest of my life with this guy make me feel sick. I'm attracted to different guys all the time. I honestly think that if my partner was into a more open marriage, things would be better between us. I love all the security I get from him, job, house, money, etc, but sometimes I just want a bit of fun. How come some couples can do this and not us? I often feel I can't take it anymore, call my marriage a prison sentence. That's not right either.