Just Dialing Off Forum And Thinking Is This "training" Process?

Just reading Dialing off forum posts got me thinking about training…

I am starting to wonder if He has “trained” me all too well. Desire seems to have floated out of my being and left me. Is it the fear of rejection that has done this? (feel like I am walking on eggshells)Don’t even bother because of X, Y or Z (insert whatever excuse). I remember long ago I couldn’t wait for Him to get home. I seriously cannot remember the last time I made a move. I can hint all day along with no result. The only clue I get is “do you want to make love” right before no lead up to. So I am supposed to flip a switch?
We have together27 years, married and business partners for 25 + years. Owning your own business can consume you. It’s all you can think about. I have learned to close that door at 8pm. Real life happens all day long. The business is his mistress. How do can or I I even try to compete with that? Besides there are a host of other medical conditions (I believe I have mentioned this in previous stories or rants). Been to the doctor’s therapist’s you name it.

This “training” has taken years to complete. I didn’t sign up for this course. I so want to go back to the beginning, when we couldn't wait to get home. I feel like I have already left this and I am not sure if I want to find my way back. I can’t do it alone and that is where I have been for long time, alone.

In Feb. I embark on a three month sabbatical for myself. Him too if He recognizes this. Maybe I am jittery because of this and that could be all this is. I hope too “untrain” myself in this process. This is a required course… of course.
25and 25and 46-50 7 Responses Dec 30, 2010

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Thank you for your comments.....I will let you how this works.

25and, you did a good job describing the slow, insidious erosion of intimacy that occurs in the relationships of most ILIASM members. It is a sort of "training". Rarely is it a cataclysmic event that leaves you bruised and bloody, it is more like being nibbled to death by a duck, bit by bit.

Bazzar did a great job of summarizing the "training" process and how it is implemented into the relationship. Thanks B for that, it was simple and concise and very accurate.

I hope you find peace of mind on your sabbatical. Often, one can think a lot clearer when we are removed from the source of anxiety. Please keep us posted.

I used the exact term 'trained' with my H during therapy. It did not go down well with him!

But, you are right. Very slowly, they do train us to be and do exactly what suits their vision of a marriage and we allow it to happen.

A sabbatical is a perfect idea. You need to rediscover and reclaim yourself.

May 2011 be the year when 25and breaks free from the cocoon.

I wasn't quite sure if your sabbatical was figurative or you are really going away for three months.

If you are going away, it is a great opportunity for you to spend some time looking after your self, go out and explore new things, go do things that you wouldn't do together.

It may give you a fresh breath of air to bring back into your marriage.

I think the "training" metaphor is a very good one.

In our collective dynamics there are two competing forces.

"A" spouse wanting the others sexual expression needs to rise.

"B" spouse wanting the others sexual expression needs to fall.

The thinking of each is essentially the same, but the perspectives are at 180 degrees of each other.

"A"'s wish requires the co-operation of "B"

"B"'s wish does not require any co-operation by "A"

So "B", by virtue of doing nothing, runs the agenda of sexual expression for both. You could say that "B" trains "A".

"A" is left disenfranchised by this situation. "A" either tolerates the situation, or gets out.

"B" relies on a basic human trait (fear of change) to continue the situation.

"A" stays in the situation until they overcome their fear of change.

@25and. - I like your plan of using this opportunity to start the "un-training" process. It will be so worthwhile for you.

Tread your own path.

I've been married 40 yrs and 15 of them have been in a state of celibacy. I do understand and I , too, hope your sabbatical will aid in deciding what is best for you. In fact, I may rethink for the 3rd time taking some time for myself because I'm certainly not happy and feel very much alone.

I hope the 3 month sabbatical will help you decide what is best for you and your future. Time away and time to think can work wonders. Good luck!