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No Intimacy

I have lived with my common law husband for 12 years he was my first and only.  We got pregnant early on our relationship suffered.  Forward 12 years and we have no sex.  He sleeps upstairs and I sleep in the den.  He is always on the computer with his online games or his x-rated online sites.  I feel like my sexuality is dying a slow and painful death.  He has told me that I don't satisfy him and that he is online because that is what he likes.  I have become depressed and feel unworthy of a good relationship.  I am trying to get on a better mind set but it is very difficult. 

wownely wownely 36-40 12 Responses Jan 1, 2011

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I'm the horrible person wownely is speaking about.I say horrible because I wish I would have been different and told her about how I feel and what I was going thru phyiscally. Unfornately my pride and believe in this BS latino muchismo didn't let me tell her what I was going thru., All I can say was that I was in a bad place in our relationship for a long time. I honestly and truely love wownely and never wanted this to happen. I know she i a wonderful and great person and regret everything I have done. Wish I could take it all back. I really can't explain what I was thinking when I had such a beautiful person there with me. All I can say is I'm disguested with myself. <br />
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I come her just on the off chance that she read this to know that I'm very sorry for what I done and for not telling you about my issue instead of pushing you away. I love and stillI'm love with. I know how amazing you atre for putting up with me for so long<br />
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I'm sorry and love you and will always love you.....

I'm sorry in the end there for my grammar and spelling went to hell. I was just balling reading what the women of my life and dream wrote. Bascially feeling very disguested with myself for what I have done to such a beautiful person who only loved me and wanted to take of care of me.

If she would give me a chance again I would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her. People can and do change when face with the possibility of losing your true love and soul mate.

In sexless marriages it is rare that there is something wrong with the spouse who is keen to meet their marital obligations.<br />
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The problem invariably resides with the spouse who is NOT prepared to meet their obligations. And they tend to complicate things even further by lying about their motivations, and even transferring their issues onto the other party as if it were THEIR fault.<br />
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I hope that you can physically abandon this emotional wasteland a.s.a.p.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Just a quick update. I have ended my relationship however due to my financial situation I am still living in his home. I hope to remedy this ASAP. The nail in the coffin was due to a FB message he sent his daughter where he tells her that his ex was his one and true love. He also tells her that he has never stop loving her. I have tried my best for 14 years to make this man happy and believed him when he would tell me he loved me. Many times I had wanted to end our relationship but he would always tell me he loved me and he would make it better for us. I wish I had know the real reason for us being unhappy. I felt for years that something was wrong with me now I know it was him.

Wownely, I pointed out that you had answers about your situation. Having some sort of answer/insight does not mean that the relationship problems will have a "happy" resolution. In your case, the answers seem to underscore the futility of maintaining in a marriage with this person. <br />
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For your sake, please, please, please get a good attorney to protect your rights. Your spouse is planning on stealing from you and cheating you. That is why only his name appears on the house even though you have contributed financially to this asset. The man is evil. Do not trust him. <br />
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You do not have the time to contemplate the emotional devastation of your situation ie: I feel unworthy .....". You must muster up all your resources and focus on thwarting his plan to financially destroy you. There will be plenty of time to deal with all the other issues later, but this one particular issue is critical and needs your undivided and undistracted attention.

Problem:<br />
1. He does not love you;<br />
2. You are miserable;<br />
3. He will not change.<br />
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Solution:<br />
1. Seek legal advice about property matters and custody;<br />
2. Leave him;<br />
3. Do not be ashamed - you have done nothing wrong;<br />
4. Watch your confidence and self-esteem grow the further away you get from this man/jerk.<br />
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Hope this helps.

Plan your exit secretly. That is your only real therapy. <br />
Just see a divorce attorney and do everything secretly. If your husband finds out that you are planning on leaving, he will likely act crazy -- you know already that he is crazy. <br />
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Sorry but you have to understand the following: your husband never loved you.

i am in a similasr situation we havnt had sex in 2 years since i got pregnat with my second son, but unlike your husband he doesnt khow whts wrong, but these men dont realize hw unhappy and how youcna lose your confidence when your not havin sex with the person whp is supposed to love you

I would agree with you MoxxieM if only he had been this honest before we moved from CA to FL to be closer to his aging parents. Before I quite my job there and used up all my savings to help us. Now he has a new home only under his name when it was promised it would be under both of our names. Promises were made that I blame myself for believing and it hard to not become resentful and bitter.

Wownely, I am sorry to hear that your years with this man have resulted in such a sad situation. One thing struck me: "He told me that I don't satisfy him....,". Well, I will give him points for brutal honesty. <br />
It is not kind, it is painful, it is devastating to your self esteem, but...., it was an "answer" which is more than I or many, many members of ILIASM have ever gotten from our refuser spouses. <br />
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You do have this: you know that he has decided that internet **** is more sexually satisfying to him. He has told you the bitter truth of why you don't have an intimate relationship with him. You don't have to wonder why, you got an answer. <br />
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The rest of the bitter truth is: <br />
1) you can't fix this problem, it is not of your making<br />
2) you can stay with him for a lifetime of misery <br />
3) you can leave and take your chances at finding a better life<br />
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Only you can decide. <br />
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You are in my thoughts and prayers, good luck and blessings to you in the choices you make.

You have taken the first step. Yes, achieving a more positive mindset is difficult. Read the stories and comments here. You will note patterns and common themes emerging and that might lessen your sense of isolation. You can gain strength from what you read here. That strength will build, tiny degress at a time, in your mind. Once things start to crystalize your next logical step will be to formulate an action plan on getting to where you need to go. Won't happen overnight but keep reading the stories here they are quite an eye opener.

Getting a better mindset is a wonderful place to start. A sexless marriage eats away at the self-esteem. Once you regain that and your confidence, your situation takes on a whole new light.<br />
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My advice is as follows - <br />
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- Go for personal therapy to work on your self-esteem<br />
- Read more stories here and talk to people to understand more about your situation and the options available to you.<br />
- Keep an open mind to accept startling new ideas.

Thank you for your comment Eric, I guess my first step to fix it is to acknowledge it on this site. It is something that I don't discuss with friends because I feel ashamed.