Oppressed

I completely understand what you're going through. I dated my husband, but we didn't live together, for 4 years before we were engaged. Our sex life wasn't as great as some other relationships, but we loved and cared for each other deeply. He was a rock and I loved being there for him too.
Then after 4 years, he moved out of state for work and of course, we didn't have sex more than about 1X month for the next 10 months. Due to the distance of half the country away, it of course didn't sound an alarm for me. The day I said I would marry him, I moved across the country to be with him. Sex wasn't often, but it wasn't a distant memory either. He was still traveling for work so that made it easier to understand.
However, the closeness I once felt while dating, then over the phone seemed to evaporate. It's not that it wasn't there at all, but it wasn't consistent. I chalked it up to being busy with his new responsibilities. But, I had stress too. I moved far from a great job, family and friends, etc. and was still there to love him and honor him.

After being engaged for over a year, we finally had a great opportunity to get married. Being together for so long, we thought it would be more meaningful if we abstained for 2 months before the wedding night. I hated it but as I grew up very rooted in my faith, thought it would make me feel new and special for our big day.
We flew to Grand Cayman for our destination wedding and after some bargaining were able to book a suite that only "rich people" get. (normally $3000 night for a week) The night before our wedding, he started touching me and asking for sex. Although I was very ready and turned on, I thought that we had waited so long, why spoil it. He got mad, walked out of the bedroom, and watched sports all night. Did I mention he was drunk. One of the 3 times I've seen him that way in 19 years.

The next day I wanted to put it behind me and have a beautiful wedding. I was tan, trim, waxed, and ready for anything. I had bought a very pretty and tasteful negligee from VS Collection. I went into the bedroom that night, took off much of my make-up. (I've always had nice skin.) put on the negligee, checked for champagne, orchids on the bed, candles, etc. This scene was nicer than a lot of romance movies. I called him to bed and.........he never came . Literally. He said he was watching something and would be right in. He eventually fell asleep on the sofa, woke up hours later not noticing the efforts or the ourfit, crawled into bed and we left paradise NOT ONCE making love, sex, f---ing.

Sadly, this has been how our marriage has gone. We go for a while and I try to be patient, I get to the end of my patience, we fight or "discuss" the issue, he works on it for a while...then nothing. The cycle starts all over again. We have one child and I'm amazed that we even have one given the lack of sex over the years. I think our average is 2-3X a year. I might be okay with 2-3X a month, but not a year. I have always been a sexual person and like being adventurous, but I want to be that way with him.

Over the years I have struggled with depression over this. I also had a missed diagnosis for hypothyroidism so I gained about 60 pounds over the years. I am working on taking it off and do try to keep myself up by wearing makeup, fixing my hair, etc. but he doesn't really notice. I don't think this is a weight thing for him because this started before I gained weight. Even at my current size, and being 40, men still look at me.
He is an awesome father, a great provider, one of the most honorable men I have even met, but our lack of physical or emotional intimacy makes me feel like he's a roommate.

Do you have a way yet of turning the ostrich into a dodo?

WOW! I could have written this...I feel your pain.

wow...my husband and I have sex...(boring as it possibly can be) at least 3 times a year...I've been so ashamed of that for so long...now on here I feel like we are doing it like rabbits in comparison to some of the other stories...10 years??? See, that is so unhealthy for a persons mental, emotional well being...Thank GOd for the phone!

Most of the sexless spouses were enthused about touching ect before marriage and sometimes for a bit afterwards. Then they returned to normal, their normal. The rest of us are left holding the bag. It also boggles my mind to see my sexless husband think this life is normal. I have now kicked him out of the bedroom so that I can be on EP anytime I want to be and there are no hugs or kisses. I used to think that it would lead to more but my mistake. Now that I have been trained not to want him, I do not. If I can leave the marriage, I will. Inhuman is what comes into my mind when I see him.

I'm wondering about the sexless marriage. How does that come to be? Are sex drives discussed before the two join hands in marriage? I cannot imagine knowingly joining with a partner who does not share the same sex drive. it does seem like a recipe for disaster. If you loved your mate and they suddenly became unable to engage in sex, then i could understand living in a sexless marriage, still there must be some form of physical affection.. no? I can't imagine living under the same roof with a person you love and never touching or kissing. A truly distressing state of affairs. ... hugs to all ..

It isn't even the issue of sex anymore at a certain point. It's the obliviousness to your obvious distress. You have told her how important it is to you. You have told her you are suffering.



Her response is to expect you to be happy about something you have clearly stated you are unhappy about...



..because you being unhappy about something she feels quite satisfied about is making her unhappy...? ...and does she feel this is quite insensitive of you?



The refuser mind is certainly foreign territory, isn't it...



The thing is, when something is so low on someone's list of interests, as to not seem worth walking across the street for it, I suppose it is hard for them to understand the hurt and loss felt by someone to whom it is important. However, when they ignore the obvious distress that this causes, and the pleas for understanding, and just try to sweep THAT under the carpet... well, then it becomes an issue of ... do they really care?



...and their response to that is often... but it makes me very unhappy when you ask me to do something I am not interested in doing... hmmmmm.... no, sorry, I'm not seeing the same level of discomfort there... periodic discomfort when you finally break down and ask, compared to relentless starvation, day in, day out... nope, not even in the same universe.



redzcar... you are posting on the wrong thread... this is the one about being expected to be happy about something that makes you miserable... and you are wrong too, by the way... just because you have never experienced a swift kick in the ***, doesn't mean such a thing doesn't exist... you just haven't yet had the pleasure, dubious though it may be.

I rather think that, far from expecting you to "happily go on with life" your spouse actually has an expectation that you "happily go on with HER life". And there-in is the crux of the problem.



For HER life to "happily go on" she requires no sexual expression input from you at all. She needs do NOTHING to maintain this position. She runs the agenda by a strategy of inertia. And, there are no consequences for her in doing this. (Other than getting you pretty pissed off from time to time to the extent that you don't want to engage her - which is not a consequence at all - in fact it is what she wants).



There is the key issue. If you can produce / manufacter a meaningful consequence for her inaction, then you have a chance of moving the situation forward.



It seems, unfortunately, that the only way a meaningful consequence can be produced is by playing the big card of separation. But, if the refused is not in a mindset to play this card, and not everyone is, then the situation remains as it is.



When, as you are - at a realisation as to how perverse the situation is, then maybe the mindset changes, and the previously unthinkable playing of the big card, starts to become thinkable.



Tread your own path.

I don't know too much about Marriage, but I do know people like to ****, and be ******.

So if you're in a committed relationship with someone and you aint ******* them, or they aint ******* you .. chances are they are ******* someone else.



Anyone who really loved you would not deny you sex.

So, you have decided to accept the status quo?

Well you could grant her her wish. Go on with your life,WITHOUT HER!!! Just explain to her that you ARE doing what she wants & since she wants to have no part in it you will happily do it alone.

as Bazaar would say; they have what they want and need do nothing to maintain this situation. It is beyond me how a partner can treat a spouse in a way which causes them more suffering than you would wish on an enemy, and what is even more amazing to me is that there are thousands of them ! I thought my STBX was unique in her total insensitivity :-)



Eternal Hope: "I don't think either of us are right or wrong". I have to take issue here. I believe it is marriage under false pretences if sex is not automatically assumed to be on the menu. It is after all central to the marriage vows. It is a human need that you have both promised to keep within the walls of the marriage "forsaking all others" not "forsaking the right to a sex life".



SadMom: I totally agree with you...it permeates your whole life. It cannot be swept under the carpet no matter how hard you try, and it has tangible mental repercussions. Lack of love and intimacy is NOT HEALTHY. That is why there are so many screwed up humans out there, (and politicians).



LrySims: Yes ! Even when you spell it out in a hundred different ways until you are exhausted they still don't get it....or they do get it and have not one inkling of desire to deal with it. The only way is to leave, it might be in ten years, it might be tomorrow. I don't think therapy is the answer. If you need to beg, it's already too late.



The `non-sex' people need to understand that they do not have the right to switch the fundamentals in a relationship to suit them domestically and financially but withdrawing intimacy. Unfortunately the only way to make them understand this is to walk out of the door....then you'll be lucky if they understand even then.....

My response used to be

Damnit I'm sitting here telling you exactly how it is for me

And there was no change

Seems to me that If she truly loves you she will agree to therapy

I never thought of that option until it was already way over with

It is easy to say it is perverse for refeusers not to see how obvious our needs are, but if it is not thier need, then they can be quite unaware.



I'm quite unaware the cravings a heriorn addict goes through stopping drugs. They could yell at me "Can't you see!! My Skin is crawling, my mind is spinning and my world is falling apart", and my most honest reply would be, no I cant see, I have no idea at all.



But she can accept your needs as a person and respect you for it rather than ignoring you and shutting you down as though it dosn't matter.

I think this works both ways.



Just as we can't fathom a Refuser's logic, they can't understand our need for sex.



I don't think either of us are right or wrong.



The match up is just wrong.

It's odd how the refuser can't seem to wrap their brain around the fact that a sexless marriage effects everything. It's not just a minor problem. It's big. Very huge. My husband isn't exactly oblivious but he does minimize it.

I'm so sorry for your pain, but you are here with friends.



It's so frustrating not to be understood on any level. *hugs*

This was exactly how my husband was when I left. He had no idea there was anything wrong in our marriage. Well 10+years of no sex might be a starting point.

Oh I feel your pain. The refuser cannot see you or hear you. They live in their own world and your needs do not matter no matter how they run around and do everything else. No matter how many people come up to you and tell you what a sweet person they are--they will not change. They interconnect in their own way. It is just so hard to get that through our brains because it gos against the core of who we are--they are showing you how much they care for you by not meeting your needs.