I've posted this question in another forum around the time that it happened. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around taking on a sexual partner within my marriage. According to my wife she is "absolutely fine" with it. I don't want to ruin my marriage, but it does sound exciting. She has a few stipulations, it needs to be someone she, knows, and approves of like a mutual friend or something. How awkward? I don't know of any women who would sign up to be a surrogate within an existing marriage. Could this possibly work? Are my balls as close to the bandsaw as I think they are? I don't want to be a douchebag like the guy on "the sister wives". I do want to get laid though.
anotherdeadhero anotherdeadhero
31-35, M
14 Responses Jan 12, 2011

I agree with most of the comments that have been made here. I'm interested to know if sex is what you really want?<br />
If its purely physical then her offer may be worth thinking about, after thinking very carefully about the points raised above.<br />
Personally I crave the intimacy that comes from sex and I only really want that from my wife.<br />
<br />

Besides being just plain wrong, this is nothing but a recipe for disaster which may be your wife's intentions all along. Head that train off at the past. Get a lawyer, divorce her, and move on.

I'd be far more comfortable if my wife told me I can sleep with someone else, but she wants to know nothing about it, and she did not choose the person.<br />
The fact that she's choosing someone (I guess screening your choice), means she can get the details if she wanted to, and control your sex partner. <br />
I can't see anything good happening from this. If you take up her offer, I'd expect one of the following to happen:<br />
1. Every partner you like gets black listed, in which case you still get none.<br />
2. You become a bastard for taking up the offer.<br />
3. She accepts it, and at a later date it becomes ammunition for some fight (ie divorce).<br />
<br />
I once had a girlfriend who was a virgin, and wanted to stay a virgin. I told her I needed sex, so I wanted to find another girl for sex. She said she was ok with that. We broke up about 1 week later (after I hooked up with another girl).<br />
It's most likely your wife is offering this because she's got little option, other than giving you sex from another source, but she hates the idea. And she doesn't like the idea of having sex with you either. So she doesn't want you, but I doubt she wants you to be with someone else - she's just trying to control you.

noidea/princess: Very insightful. I'm glad you all could spell out what's happening. I'm kidding myself with these 'baby steps' I suppose. I'm desperate to keep this household together for my kids sake. It's not like we scream at each other or anything, or that it's a tense and destructive environment for them. Love isn't a verb between my wife and I. This situation is infinitely more complicated than what I've just begun to scratch at here. I'll update soon. Thanks everyone!

Hey, dude, don't you feel a little mad? When my stbx offered me some "outside help" (we didn't get as far as the details but I *know* he woulda had similar ones as your wife), I was really angry. It was like he was blowing me off even more. HE couldn't be bothered to **** me but he could outsource the job.<br />
<br />
What?!? Like I *needed* his permission if *I* decided to **** around? Jeez, man, what an idiot...<br />
<br />
Princess ThanksButNo

I wonder just how many mutual friends you have who are available and prepared to enter into a mutually satisfying sexual relationship? This condition somewhat limits your choice of partners. Maybe your wife thinks that in offering you this restriction that the chance of finding a suitable lover is remote and a safe option.

Enna- Very wise advice, in fact I did tell her I wasn't comfortable with such a situation. Her response wasn't for me to get used to it. We're taking baby steps towards the goal. Did I mention that we have two children under 3 years old? Progress isn't happening fast enough for me, maybe it'll happen. The fact that she put the idea out there in the first place is such a mindfuck. Is that as horrible thing to say as it seems?<br />
<br />
<br />

Red: Agreed, what did you do?

"What if I can't do that? What if I just cannot bring myself to have sex outside our marriage? What will this mean for 'us'?"<br />
<br />
Have you had such a conversation with her? I'm predicting her reaction would be: "Well then you'll have to get used to not having sex".<br />
<br />
Also consider saying this:<br />
"I appreciate your thoughtfulness in allowing me to have a sexual partner outside our marriage. But I cannot have you placing restrictions on this. If I am to have to seek sex outside our marriage, I must be the one who chooses the partner. I will tell you I have found someone. I will treat you with respect and not flaunt it. BUT I cannot and will not be dictated to in this ."<br />
<br />
Your wife may not realise how manipulative and controlling she is. People on the outside looking in see it VERY clearly, so we assume the major pla<x>yer also recognises the behaviour for what it is. But this requires a great deal of personal insight and self knowledge - two things that do not often accompany manipulative behaviour!<br />
<br />
It is much more likely that your wife is simply desperately trying to have her own way. It IS manipulative. It IS controlling. And it is immature - relationships only thrive where both parties are sufficiently mature to cooperate and to willingly give up some of their own "wants" for their partner.<br />
<br />
But I doubt your wife knows this or understands this - to her, the only way to be "happy" is to have her own wants and needs met, even if they must take priority over everyone else's - including your's. This is part of who she is - and therefore VERY unlikely to change.

It's so alluring, yet such a potentially damning concept. I feel like a computer short circuiting at the moment. Choc: Thanks for confirming that no sane women would get into something like this! <br />
Mvc: I don't think she wants to know anything about it, other than it happened. I'm sure she wouldn't want to be there, I may be wrong. very interesting! AnarC/Skip: If this is entirely true she may be more evil than I could ever imagine. maryryan: I did ask, she doesn't have anyone in mind. I think she'd let it happen. In general she brought this whole concept to light because she's been cheated on consistently in the past. Her "reasoning" was that it were out in the open, it wouldn't be behind her back. She must've felt it getting to that point to bring it up. Maybe it was because of all my pleading. I'm discouraged, sometimes I don't want to have energy to be rejected anymore. Thanks all!

Yes, she's 'absolutely fine' so long as she controls the whole shooting match. Definite control freak. Is she planning to interview the possible candidates or what? No sane woman would get involved with this set up, but there's plenty who would get involved with a little discreet messing around. <br />
<br />
She's not setting this up to stitch you up in the divorce is she? Just think about it, very very hard. xx

Refusers are control freaks by any other name, don't forget this !

...Did you ask her if she had someone in mind? Perhaps you should hold her feet to the fire and sit down and brainstorm which of her friends she is willing to ask?

Short version: your wife is manipulating you.