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My Husband Talks To Male Friend All The Time. I Wonder If He's Gay

This is long but I don't know who to talk to. My husband talks or texts his male friend several times a day practically every day. They used to work together until his friend got transferred to a new location at the same company. But we all attend the same church and this friend has been over for dinner a couple times (which I didn't really enjoy with him there). The friend is always complaining he can't find women who want to date him and seems obsessed with online dating (but I did ask my husband if his friend might be gay). My husband always says his friend is going through a lot of stuff, depressed about women, and he's trying to help him. But I think he is too connected to his male friend and I don't have any women friends that I feel the need to talk to every day, several times a day. Does this seem weird to anyone else? I know my husband had some struggles with gay feelings when he was young but told me that had ended long ago and it was related to being inappropriately touched by another boy his age when he was a kid. I believed him but am now starting to wonder if he is really gay and hiding behind our marriage, which would help explain lack of interest in sex or any type of intimacy. He never seemed into sex from the start of our marriage but at least made some effort early on.

Now keep in mind that conversations with his friend can last for hours and late into the night. He's also on the computer a lot even when he has to get up early the next day. Often they are communicating when our young child is asleep and I am often left alone and fill my time doing work on the computer, reading, watching TV, etc. I have asked my husband why he needs to talk to his friend so much and he always has excuses. I've also told him I feel his relationship with his friend is negatively affecting our marriage. He just kind of said he hadn't realized that, but did nothing to really address the issue and assured me he wants to work on things. I've even asked outright if he has cheated or wants to be with someone else and he said no but never got angry or seemed bothered I asked him those things. I think I would be pretty upset if he asked me that since I've never cheated.

Recently I've become more suspicious of his behavior. I checked his phone and found a couple of odd messages from men I don't know. Keep in mind that he usually mentions various people on his jobs and other friends so it's odd that he's never mentioned these people. I don't have proof of anything yet, but am starting to really question a lot. I had assumed that when he was receiving a lot of calls and texts they were from his other friend, but now wonder if other people have been calling and texting. Besides lack of sexual intimacy I feel there is very little emotional connection. Although he is kind and always helps out around the house and with our child. I'm starting to feel that his efforts to help around the home are to shut me up when I start to question him about what's going on. He seems very withdrawn a lot of the time and doesn't talk much. He never initiates dates with me and when I practically force us going out together I ALWAYS arrange for child care and pick the outing even though he always claims he's going to look for something to do but seems totally disinterested. We've been married almost 10 years and the first few years we were married he would take a lot of time to surprise me with special outings.

I know that a good marriage involves more than sex, but I feel that you have to at least have a connection and be emotionally connected and communicate. I'm starting to really wonder about the gay thing. Because if he is gay there is nothing I can do to get him to be attracted to me, and I don't think I want to stick around for that and would rather take my chances on my own and raise my child without this added stress.
hipwoman hipwoman 41-45, F 16 Responses Jan 22, 2011

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Ask to read his messages.

Why?

Ah - you haven't been here long then. Read around. Few people show up on here and start posting until they've tried everything they could first, including your own suggestions. Then, in a moment of desperation and helplessness(and often inebriation) they type 'something something something sexless marriage' into Google and...

Poof! Here they are.

Almost nobody is ready to give up at first, but...

Well, read around.

I myself am married for almost 2 years and my husband has a best friend which he calls my husband everyday, text everyday sometimes 4:30am in the morning. My husband works and I don't bother him that much like he does. Its annoying sometimes and makes me wonder if their gay. Sucks because he can have guys call him but I cant have no friends at all. Im coming to end of the string that I would rather live my life alone.

I am so appreciative for your stories. I have been married for seven years. This man and I have one child (with special needs) together and we have other children from previous marriages. I have been divorced once. He has been divorced three times. I suspect my husband is a MSM (man who sleeps with men). My suspicions are rooted in my gut, rumor, behavior changes, sexual habits, disconnections from me, avoidance from my very direct questions, the ways he interacts with various men, of late, on man in particular and secrecy (oh the secrecy alone is enough to drive you crazy). I should say here that my husband is a recovering alcoholic an is a member of AA, which I am not. I have made so many excuses for his vary unacceptable behavior, but it's become undeniable. He no longer sleeps in our marital bed. We only have sex 3-4 times a year. When we do, it's like a job, not for connection, love or pleasure. I have not left because I have been a stay at home mother for years and I have put this man's name on my property, our lives are literally joined and I had no fallback plan even though the red flags have been waiving at me for years. My hope is this writing will be cathartic for me. My heart is slowly breaking and the devastation I feel is almost unbearable.

I was going to say that he sounds like HE may be depressed, possibly because his whiny, codependent friend has brought him down with his tales of woe (so annoying- I can't stand adults that act like victims when they have the power to change their situation), but I'd be interested to know what the weird texts from strange men involved. Where they sexual on any way? Or did you maybe not understand the context them were in because you didn't get to see the whole conversation? There seems to be an underlying emotional problem with him that's causing these other problems. I would sit him down, tell him you can't live like this anymore and you need to know if he's going to do what it takes to fix this marriage, which includes putting his victim friend at arms length. Good luck to you. I'm sorry he is putting you through this. You seem like a smart, kind woman and you deserve better.

My husband gets obsessed with men, befriends them, and latches on to them like a bull terrier. He obsesses and texts them and calls them several times a day. He prefers their company to mine, and brags about conversations with them, or things that they have said, makes me so angry. I do not let him know it makes me angry, what is the point? a few years ago I let him know how damaging it is to our relationship , but he has never cared, views me as a trouble maker if i want to talk about it. When he has a new man in his life, I do not exist. He puts our love upon a shelf and devotes himself to his new man. Thing is, the men get sick of him, cause he is clingy and obsessive, and they eventually stop taking his calls. then he goes through a depressed time and again, we have little to no relationship during this. I am chopped liver to him I guess. but before long he will glom on to some other guy and start pestering him and here we go again. So very immature. I am 53 and remember being needy like this in my teens. So my husband, same age as me, is this way now ?

Luckily I found your post. I am in the same situation. My husband & I have only about 2 years and some months married. My husband and this male friend (Dan) they both have been best friends since a couple of years before we got married. I am his third wife, he has excuses as why this previous marriages didn't work out. Anyway, I also became friend of his friends and would invite Dan over for dinner, my husband wanted to invite him everywhere we went (dinning out, movies, etc...) would even see each other often without my presence and have breakfast, lunch and dinner together very often. When I confronted the situation on him talking too much to Dan, I told him the way it made me feel and asked if he could minimize the time they spent together and talked on the phone. My husband immediately got upset about the situation and our relationship from then on only worsened. After we hit rock bottom in our marriage due to this issue, he then started to see and talk to him hiding it from me but when I found out that they were both lieing to me we got very close to divorce. In a sense you can say that he preferred his friend Dan over me and our child. We have been through a lot and although this has been the major issue in our relationship we are still together. I haven't given up on him because I haven't found any proof of his sexual activity or emotions towards Dan. I wouldn't like to make the mistake of leaving him ba<x>sed on false pretense. We also assist the same church and both are active members. They still hide their contact from me (or so they think).<br />
I would like to know how it was that you found out because my husband and his friend are very careful on leaving "traces" of them communicating although I know for a fact that they do talk to each other daily and several times a day. <br />
Please help!

Deeahhi, first let me say that I am now divorced from my ex who has admitted he is gay. He, too, was involved in our church and had been in the church before I even met him. However, there are a lot of people (men and women) in churches who are struggling with homosexuality of varying degrees (some are pastors!) Some are still closeted, while others have been through counseling and are married with families. So being in the church does not mean a person does not struggle with same-sex attraction. And it can be a life-long struggle.

I don't know your husband and can only go from what you say. But I say trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right and has caused you this much anguish, you need to find a way to deal with it and move on. I have a child, too, and it is hard when kids are involved. But if you really want to know the truth you will have to get the proof. In all the years I was married I never invaded my husband's privacy or spied on him...until I had to get answers for my own peace of mind and sanity. I stopped confronting him when I started to figure out what was going on. I just watched, waited and listened. I let him get comfortable that I had accepted his assurances that he loved me and wanted to be with me. During this time he was constantly on his cellphone and texting his buddy of hours EVERY day. He always guarded his phone but I knew that eventually he would leave it unattended and I was ready. It only took 2 times of looking at his phone to get proof of what was happening. I also am pretty tecchie and managed to read his email and got the full picture. People can say what they want about me reading his stuff but I am now free of his lies and deceit. We tried counseling but ultimately I had to make the choice to leave that marriage and now I have peace and know I am right with God for how I conducted myself through the whole thing. You mention being involved at church. I suggest that you go to your pastor or counselor there and don't try to keep this all in to yourself. I tried to do counseling with my husband but his problems were way bigger than anything we could fix to keep a marraige. It is not easy being single again but I have a lot of hope for the future and have a lot of blessings in my life right now, especially my child.

Finally, straight men do NOT sit around gabbing with their male friends for hours everyday. I don't care if people get offended with me for saying that. But I don't care how long a couple of guys have known each other, straight men do not communicate on that deep level EVERY day.

I wish you well as you make a new life for yourself. May you find the happiness you deserve.

Update on this. YES, he is gay. I found proof and confronted him and the whole thing is out now. I am making plans to move on.

Is he gay? More than likely not. It does happen sometimes in marriage but it is pretty rare. It would be more likely that all his time with friends, co-workers etc are just ways that he can occupy his time & stay away from intimacy. If he is like most refusers they DRED any forms of it & will do whatever they can to avoid it. It can be for a whole host of reasons. I E intimacy fears, OCD, BPD etc etc. <br />
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Of course it is possible. Especially considering his thoughts in the past. He could also be afraid to face such issues, especially since he seems to be active in his church. Best of luck.

Imathinkin may or may not be right in this situation. What I will say is I've seen this happen before. I had a friend who was married (for the life of me I couldn't work out why he stayed married), but was a real womanizer. He'd happily hit on women when I was out with him, but always neglected to mention his marital status (or just lie about it) - lying about his status was what bothered me.<br />
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Anyway, he had a lot of numbers on his phone. Every time he got a girls number, he assigned a male name to it. No idea how he kept track of the actual names.<br />
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But as Bazzar said, the why is mostly not important. Knowing it does nothing to solve the problem. I don't think I can offer a lot of advice to you, but I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for the comments. Lot's to think about. Imathinkin, you are right that the names could be subterfuge but given some past struggles with sexuality issues I really don't think other women are in the picture. I do believe there is something going on with men, though. Not sure to what extent, yet, but I truly believe that all will be revealed and I am fully ready to confront the truth when it comes out. The truth will set you free. I am continuing to read through other stories here, and am glad for the support. I'm definitely thinking about what I want to do.

Can you help me? I've known my bf since I was a freshman in college, he was a super senior. We've had an on relationship since 2007, I was never officially his gf until this past December. I still have not met his family. He and his "business partner" have grown very close. My bf always goes to his house, and always goes to functions with him and sometimes with his family (his business partner has a wife and a small child, maybe 5 years old). I have a natural feeling of discomfort when his business partner(BP) is around. BP goes to all of his soccer games, even in horrible weather. They are always communicating throughout the day/night. BP's physical appearance comes off as gay to me! They are are traveling in 2 wks for a "business trip" . It just doesn't rub me the right way! Also, my bf said that BP is getting him an expensive gift that costs over $1,000 for his bday.

Am I looking into this too deeply? Please help.

Intuitive feelings like this are usually ba<x>sed in truth. <br />
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The question now is, what are you willing to do about it?<br />
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He will probably NEVER admit it.<br />
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Assuming the worst, would you be able to live with it or are you willing to leave the marriage? This is the most basic question you need to answer.

Something is happening that is making you feel this way and you have seen the smoke--you just are not quite sure where the fire is. I would start making plans--at least plans so that if things do not work out you will be ready to go. He does not want to let you in on his life or his plans. He has put out the do not disturb sign on his forehead and this can't be good.

hipwoman: the only issue you are sure of is that you are experiencing a lack of connection on many levels with your spouse. And that you recognize the seriousness of this issue.<br />
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The act of writing your story is the beginnning of a journey (sometimes short, more often than not, longer). The journey can be quite lonely. But you will find support here and a wide range of advice that run the gamut from immediate divorce to learning to live with it - and everything in between.<br />
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The folks on this forum, along with any additional outside assistance you use, may help you find your way on the journey.

Okay, I could be way off but here goes....is it possible that it's not men that he is talking to, but he just says it's his friend (or guys) to throw you off track, and not upset you (and get away with it)?<br />
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Also, as for phone calls/texts, he can associate any name with the caller, so Amy could show up as "Andy".<br />
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And when he says he is "helping out a friend", I guess that means he needs to be spending time with him too. If a single guy is out meeting women, that means 2 guys + 2 girls...he therefore has an "excuse" to go out and meet women this way, right?<br />
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My husband also spends LOTS of time with his male business partner aside from work hours and they text each other constantly. (I never check his phone; he never checks mine.)

Welcome to ILIASM hipwoman.<br />
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Much of you story is concerned with the "why" your marriage is sexless, and you are figuring "gay".<br />
There could be all sorts of reasons for his actions / inactions in regard to sexual ex<x>pression ranging from physical / mental, or, as you suspect, sexual orientation.<br />
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Point is, the affect on you is the affect on you irrespective of the "why".<br />
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And, your real mission is to figure out what you are prepared to do, what choices you are prepared to make from this time on to resolve the matter. That could be where this group can help you. There is the collective wisdom of 13,000 people here, and lots of stories and comments.<br />
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Plug in to this resource. Extensive reading might be a good first step. You will almost certainly find things that resonate with you, and you will gradually formulate your own unique strategy to start your process of moving forward.<br />
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Tread your own path.