How Do You Decide To Leave Your Wife And Live With The Decision?I've come so close to making the decision to leave my wife of 17 years. I one point I believe I did. I was comfortable with it. I even slept for an entire 8 hours for the first time in many years. But then I talked to her about it. I fell apart. We've been married for 17 years and knew each other for 20. We never really had fights. We liked to do the same things and we liked to hang with each other. We even work together. She says she's in love with me. So how could I even think of leaving her?
I dont think that I love her. I know "What do you mean you dont think you love her, you do or you dont!" It gets complicated, why wouldn't it. I care deeply for her, I may even love her...just not in love with her. We haven't slept with each much in the last 5-7 years. There's always the excuse that she fell asleep on the couch. And why didn't I go out and wake her?
Our marriage may have been doomed from the beginning. When we were dating we always had sex. We talked about the future and having kids. I was older. I was ready for marriage and kids. She said she was but??? Things changed weeks after we go married.
We never lived with each other. We moved in together just before the wedding. I guess I really wanted to do things right. But weeks into our marriage, the sex dwindled. Maybe once a month, then every other month. There was always an excuse. I started thinking she was cheating, but I dont think so now. It was things in the past that effected her.
She was abused by a cousin when she was only 5. I only found out about this in the last couple of years. She was from a broken family. Her real dad wanted nothing to do with her. her mother was 16 when she was born and would hide her so her date wouldn't know she had a kids. When her mom did remarry later, my wife felt she was second to her other sisters. This all came to effect our marriage. We never had children. I would try to talk to her about seeking help, but she would just walk away. I should have demanded and forced her to talk about it but didn't.
One night about 2 months ago I awoke thinking I was having a heart attack...it was a panic attack. I was drenched in sweat, I knew I couldn't go on like this. I knew I should leave, but I care so much for her. I convinced her to finally see a psychologist, and so did I. Now how do I leave her when she needs someone to be by her. I dont think we can repair the damage that has been done. I got to believe that there is love out there for me, but sometimes I wonder if its all a fantasy. I've been married so long I'm scared to be alone.
My wife is a great person, no drugs, alcohol, or cheating with ether of us. If I leave, I feel I'll be the bad guy. Some will say, It's easy, just leave. How can you tear the heart out of the person that says they love you? How can you do that to someone you committed yourself to? I've always tried to be a good person, just thinking about making this decision, makes me feel like the biggest piece of sh^t. I know the decision is mine and mine alone. I dont scare easily, but this has me terrified.