Introspection And Focused Communication Can Work!!After feeling thoroughly neglected for such a long time I had taken an attitude of more introspection and acknowledgement of my actions (and inactions) that contribute to our increasingly sexless marriage. Going to a therapist has indeed helped both of us to better understand our proclivities and the issues that are contributors to our tensions. While it's been easy for me to simply point the finger at her for our SM - there's no doubt that we both are consciously (and unconsciously) contributing to our dilemma. While we haven't been living in a totally sexless marriage (15-20X per year) there was usually only 1 enthusiastic partner (me). In the last 6 months we've been in marriage hell (zero sex), considering seperation - but neither of us was willing to throw in the towel without a real attempt at therapy that had been highly reccomended to us.
In the last month or so, we have really focused on being able to communicate with each other, to ensure each of us are heard, understood and acknowledged in new and meaningful ways. We had engaged with an IMAGO therapist (a style of marriage counselling) and had also attended a rather intense 2-day weekend to work on our issues. For me - a major issue was our increasingly SM and her general tendency to be uncomfortable with sensuality and 'letting loose'. For her, it was her belief that I didn't care enough about her interests, or show much desire to 'just talk', or listen without being judgemental or dismissive. The truth is - we both acknowledged rather important issues that clearly contribute to a marriage drifting apart...neither of us was being 'a good friend' to the other.
So for the last few weeks we both have been feeling a bit better about 'being heard' and not having our feelings ignored or downplayed in what had been our usual 'dance of anger'. She apparently also thought quite a bit more about how I might be feeling rejected and 'unloved' due to her general lack of interest in sex - and her resistance for pleasing me in basic sexual ways .
Well, it's finally happened! this weekend my wife warmed up considerably and actually made an effort to show affection, give us a great big affectionate hug and surprised me (woke me up at 2a) with a lusty desire and great sex...
Clearly, how this plays out remains to be seen - but one night of wonderful, lusty sex will certainly encourage me to 'try to be a better man' and be the 'friend' she wants me to be more of...
I encourage all of you on this site to look in the mirror and double-check if you're really focused on being a better communicator (which is more about reflective listening) and how much that might contribute to our being here. Therapy CAN help - let's not dismiss it entirely.
lakeside4003 51-55, M 8 Responses 0 Jan 24, 2011