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I Got What?

Well, It wasn't easy....I asked and of course I was refused, yet again. The old....I have a headache bit came to play. So I just rolled over to go to sleep. And to my surprise, He started touching me and turned me on and I had amazing sex with the Refuser. I am not trying to rub it in with those of you who have been dry for months or even years. I guess the reason why I am telling this story is because now I am more confused than ever before.

Our marriage isn't sexless, just terrible and on the verge of sexless (2x a month). And then out of nowhere, after 2 years of terrible sex and refusals one after the other, he becomes romeo and lights up the bedroom. I have been talking to another man and I had almost decided that I would start an affair with him to fulfill my sexual urges and needs and then..........this happens. Not that I am ungrateful for the event, It has just left me confused. I wonder if this is a one time thing? I also wonder why he has held out the incredible love making from me?!?!? I dont think I have ever been so pleased by him. NOW WHAT? Has anyone been through this already and what can I expect to happen next? HELP!
LivingInMyDreams LivingInMyDreams 26-30, F 38 Responses Jan 26, 2011

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So sad. Has happened to many. Most solutions end in long term undesirable results

i had same experience with wife she made love unexpectedly one nite then nothing again i was going to have an affair then retreated now this lol life is funny some times so ill look again <br />
good luck hope he does live up to your expectations

How are you doing now? xWanna

It could be that another women turned him on. Sorry it happens when we get funk. The same old thing gets old. As A man I try to make it new all the time, as A women you should try to do the same. LOVE IS keep it new and fun. Good luck and good times.

I get this from my hubs too. Months of nothing and then a night of mindblowing sex. Unfortunatley, it doesnt stay that way and it will be dry for months! Do what makes you happy.

well I seem to think that you might have not realized it but were thinking of the other guy and the thought or thrill of being with someone else just seem to be a turn on . This made your sex with refuser more exciting knowing that there could be someone else waiting on the sidelines.

starting a new affair is a very bad idea.I f he is living without it you also can-there are more important thing in this world

starting a new affair is a very bad idea.I f he is living without it you also can-there are more important thing in this world

Well I can see how this is confusing, but congratulations, I hope you two continue like this<br />
Good luck getting laid! :)

gs355: -----" Instead, you deflate the whole thing with warnings that it is pity sex or this or that. Isn't it just possible this is a breakthrough...a turning point?"<br />
<br />
The GOLD standard and starting point in this: If he is not enthusiastically adoring, loving and worshipping her and her body each and every day, then NO, this is not a breakthrough. It is a tactic to keep her in line.

Sounds like you are a strong women despite your lack of feelings of self worth. Also sounds like you've made it clear that you have physical needs. Have you tried to show him how important your needs are without threatening him with an affair? Next time he refuses you, roll over and begin ************. He'll know he can either be a part of your sex life or not but aren't going to be denied. He knows he can control you but you can change the game.

These refusers do all this in my opinion to keep us hooked...............the oxytocin comment was right on. There has a to be a special place in he!! for these turds................

Back on your 29th Dec story, you seemed to have this sm stuff all worked out, particularly the chance of recidivism after a flurry of activity.<br />
<br />
A bit of time will tell you what you need to know.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

What should you do now? Forget about the emotional confusion and start looking at your marriage logically. What do you require from your husband in order to stay in this marriage. Think about what you would accept as a minimum. Take turns at initiating sex. If your husband can provide you with at least your minimum requirements without you having to ask, then stay. If he cannot, then you should start making plans to leave as soon as is practicable.

Reading these comments ,I seem to fall into the Stay and accept it group. I havnt had sex with my wife for 25 years. On the birth of our last child ,who is now 27 ,I was switched off. People on here have said that twice a month is abstinence. That would seem like debauchery to me. I guess you could say I am now a refuser in that occasionally every few years my wife will show some interest,but there is too much resentment and bitterness for me to respond. She usually acts like this if she thinks I am showing signs of looking elsewhere. Until recently I have not strayed ,but I have met a lady in a similar position and we are both attracted to each other and the temptation for us both is immense. After 35 years with someone there is a very strong bond emotionally and I couldnt leave her. I do ,however,see a physical relationship with the other lady as a way to keep my and her sanity.

This is a most interesting post and one of the reasons I first started posting comments here. Despite the pessimistic conclusion in my personal life- lets leave that aside since it had little to do with a sexless marriage- can't there be a little more optimism? Instead, you deflate the whole thing with warnings that it is pity sex or this or that. Isn't it just possible this is a breakthrough...a turning point? Can't this be a glass 1/2 full plus a few drops more? To those commenters who offered true words of encouragement and best wishes, my hat is off to you.

It was probably that you rolled over and went to sleep after his initial "no". Usually you probably would have asked again or asked why or something along those lines. When you didn't, it set the alarm bells off in his head.

He's just reeling his possession back into the niche where it belongs. He probably caught on that you were getting frustrated and angry (we tend to give of that vibe) so he figured it was time to turn on the charm to get you back in line where you belong. People seldom make fundamental shifts in their core personalities without some extraordinary event so it's unlikely that he's changed in any significant way. So now it's wait and see, but I wouldn't wait too long and be aware that he may repeat that performance just often enough to keep you hanging on by your fingernails. Whereas if he truly was interested in taking care of your needs and your happiness this would never have become an issue in the first place. The dead eyed zombies rise from the grave only when we make a move toward happiness to pull us back into their sad world. Recognize the tactics for what they are and don't settle for this behavior if you really want more.

LivingInMyDreams - oh how I wish I were wrong here, for your sake and for you as one half of a couple. Keep reading here - I find this group to be very supportive, with a lot of different ideas bounced around. Might be able to help you feel less islolated too.

Unfortunately, I think you're right mvcmvc. Can a leopard change it's spots? Highly unlikely...

mvcmvc-<br />
<br />
I have a feeling you are absolutely right about that. Which is what I suspected all along. It is such a shame though because he is really good when he wants to be. And all I really want is HIS love not some boy toy. But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do!

-----"because now I am more confused than ever before."<br />
<br />
A page from the playbook. Keeping you confused is part of the operation. He knows this. Instead of clearing up the confusion you feel, he throws you a bone every once in a while to keep you satiated and to bump your oxytocin level up just a notch - just enough to keep you from straying and to get you off his back about the sex - but NEVER enough to fully satisfy you. He knows that too.<br />
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GaDad is correct. This is smoke and mirrors.<br />
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I would love to be completely wrong on this - however, my experience with this type of behavior indicates otherwise.<br />
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Look at his behavior and see if this event is realistically sustainable.<br />
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Because if he isn't loving, worshipping and adoring YOU and YOUR BODY each and every day - then the odds are that he won't be able sustain the behavior.

metalheart<br />
<br />
Good luck. . . . .. .. I read once that it is good to refuse the refuser. lol But that is a total mind **** for me. And remember, I have rolled over MANY times before this happened.

Do I start the clock for two weeks and then get mercy sex again?!?!?!?!? GOD please tell me NO!

I'm glad you brought this up LivingInMyDreams. I'm in the same boat. We were just about to hit the 4 month mark without sex (our longest period ever) when "Boom!" sex on two weekends in a row. THAT is seriously out of my wife's character, as she initiated both events. Two weeks later, and although I haven't initiated in years (because I could no longer take the rejections), I gave it a go and sure enough she responded. So that's three times in four weeks.<br />
<br />
Now what?<br />
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Unfortunately, I think GaDad is probably right. After almost four months without, I was truly at my wits end. I was ready to screw anything that would slow down enough for me to catch it. My frustration, anger and bitterness had to be palpable, and my longing looks towards any woman I saw obvious. I'll bet my wife picked up on that and "gave" just enough to keep me hanging on.<br />
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Now our encounters weren't "good" sex by any means (my wife isn't capable of that), but it WAS sex. Now, as you LivingInMyDreams, I'm very confused and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Try telling your H that you loved feeling his touch how amazing he was. Play to his manly ego. Don't tell him how much you missed it. Tell him it's nice to have a real man to make love to. I think you get the drift here.

Friendofpromise.....Maybe you are right, but honestly I have done that before without that type of result.

you know what humpty I couldn't agree more with you then reality hits me and WHAM! <br />
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1)I have no career or college education.... b/c I am a SAHM with two small children. NOW WHAT? I go to court without a dime and have no way to support myself or my kids...thats not a good idea.<br />
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2.)I have asked him to get help and nothing ever comes of it so that is not an option<br />
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3.)Waiting month after month for good sex is killing my self worth<br />
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4.)And sitting down to have "the talk" again....makes me want to toss my cookies!

You didn't argue... or fret... just calmly rolled over...<br />
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That was the trigger... he realized that you were beginning not to care...<br />
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Can't have that!<br />
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Sorry, I could be wrong... but the odds are...

I think that instead of hoping you need to sit down and work out what you both want out of this relationship,get help if needs be, and then if both of you are on same wave lenght then work out how your going forward or if you have drifted apart and want different things then agree to go your own seperate ways and you can find a partner for all aspects of your needs or work on this to make it a partnership in all ways.