A Living DeathI've never joined a forum before but as I'm desperate here goes. I will try to keep it short. Husband doesn't want sex with me and hasn't for years really. It's been soul destroying because I still felt he was the sexiest man I had ever met. Sex was VERY infrequent once or twice a year. He gave me lots of excuses when I tried to talk about it. Thought I could accept he had no sex drive until I found his online ****, secret e-mail address and texts. It almost destroyed me but I tried even harder - a little burlesque, offering to dress up and play. He refused. Then I found he was doing it again and told him once more and we were finished (don't think he's done it since but who knows - he could in work).
Went on holiday last June with me hoping it would re-ignite the spark. I thought if he showed me he desired me I could learn to trust him again. We had sex once at my initiation (days later) and nothing since. In our every day life we get on well, no rows or fights and he is affectionate in that he kisses me hello/ goodnight (no passionate kisses just the perfuctory kind). But we live like brother and sister in a passionless existence. He knows the devastation and gut wrenching pain he's caused. I wrote him a beautiful letter with no blame offering him his freedom but he said he didn't want it (after all, if he doesn't desire me sexually he can't pretend and I understand that). He says he loves me but how can he when he won't make any effort to change the way things are. Now I'm tired of trying, crying, talking, lying and denying ( to myself). I have never been unfaithful, never kissed another man or even flirted (why massage my ego at the expense of my husband's dignity).
Now I'm trying to find the courage to leave but it's so hard (been together 20yrs). I just don't know what to do any more. so much damage has been done I don't think either of us knows how to turn it around (even IF he wanted to). I've come to accept that we won't have sex again and I feel too vulnerable and exposed to try - the rejection is just to hard. Would welcome any advice or opinions on this if anyone can sapre the time.