A Living Death

    I've never joined a forum before but as I'm desperate here goes. I will try to keep it short. Husband doesn't want sex with me and hasn't for years really. It's been soul destroying because I still felt he was the sexiest man I had ever met. Sex was VERY infrequent once or twice a year. He gave me lots of excuses when I tried to talk about it. Thought I could accept he had no sex drive until I found his online ****, secret e-mail address and texts. It almost destroyed me but I tried even harder - a little burlesque, offering to dress up and play. He refused. Then I found he was doing it again and told him once more and we were finished (don't think he's done it since but who knows - he could in work).
    Went on holiday last June with me hoping it would re-ignite the spark. I thought if he showed me he desired me I could learn to trust him again. We had sex once at my initiation (days later) and nothing since. In our every day life we get on well, no rows or fights and he is affectionate in that he kisses me hello/ goodnight (no passionate kisses just the perfuctory kind). But we live like brother and sister in a passionless existence. He knows the devastation and gut wrenching pain he's caused. I wrote him a beautiful letter with no blame offering him his freedom but he said he didn't want it (after all, if he doesn't desire me sexually he can't pretend and I understand that). He says he loves me but how can he when he won't make any effort to change the way things are. Now I'm tired of trying, crying, talking, lying and denying ( to myself). I have never been unfaithful, never kissed another man or even flirted (why massage my ego at the expense of my husband's dignity).
   Now I'm trying to find the courage to leave but it's so hard (been together 20yrs). I just don't know what to do any more. so much damage has been done I don't think either of us knows how to turn it around (even IF he wanted to). I've come to accept that we won't have sex again and I feel too vulnerable and exposed to try - the rejection is just to hard. Would welcome any advice or opinions on this if anyone can sapre the time.
nearlydestroyed nearlydestroyed
10 Responses Feb 2, 2011

There was a guy here once who used to quote "Fifty Ways to Leave your Lover" (come back Viva!). In your case I think "just slip out the back, Jack" is quite reasonable. I left my 17 yr marriage while he was on vacation. I left a letter. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to get free. When I left, I moved 1,000 miles away. I didn't want there to be any possibility that he would suck me back in. <br />
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Princess TalkedToTheLawyerToday

I second texassexless, I wish I had your courage! I know there are better things waiting for you out there...for now take care of yourself and worry less about he will feel. If he truly cared about you as much as you do him, this probably wouldn't be happening.<br />
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You are a brave woman! I hope your plan works. I am in the same shoes, a loving but sexless existance, and glad to see someone with a well defined plan of action. <br />
Just wanted to wish you all the luck!! Hope you find a better life and a more fulfilling relationship.

"Does anyone think I'm making the wrong decision?"<br />
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If that is what it takes to get out of your soul-destroying marriage … then I say go for it!<br />
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He knows you are in pain … but he does not care enough to do anything about it. He doesn’t want a divorce … of course he doesn’t, he is getting all the comforts of marriage without any effort on his part. And, he is getting all the sex he wants from his ****. ba<x>sed on his behavior, I’m guessing that he doesn’t want and is probably afraid of intimacy with a real/live human being … it’s called dismissive attachment disorder. Or perhaps it’s **** addiction … who knows and who cares? It is what it is and, it’s HIS problem … not yours.<br />
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Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Your H and mine are the same on these points, so believe me when I say that I feel your pain. This is in no way your fault and you can do nothing to change the situation. I, like you, am just going to move out when the time comes (this summer) because really, what is left to discuss or “work on”. You and I have talked and tried various remedies for years and years; and I’m sure when faced with us actually leaving they will promise change and anything else they can think of. The problem is that they will never follow through long-term and we will find ourselves in the exact same situation, only with more time wasted behind us.<br />
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I know this and so do you; we both deserve better … so go and don’t look back and don’t you dare feel guilty. Go back to the life you had before marriage or create a brand new one, either way life is waiting for you … go and live it!

A bit of distance between you while you process all this in your head seems very sensible to me.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Hi everyone, just to say that although I'm s********g myself, I think I've found a way of leaving. I know this is cowardly, I can't tell him to his face (he will cry and promise and try to dissuade me, fill me with doubts and weaken my resolve), so I'm going to leave a letter. Have looked into long term storage (no results yet) for my knick knacks,clothes and music, he can keep the rest. Then I intend to take the last of my meagre savings (made redundant 18mths ago so pretty poor) and go travelling around Asia for as long as I can. If I stay in the same city he will hound me with protestations of change (did it before when I left him for a week after the first discovery of his other interests) and because I love him I am afraid I will weaken. Is my idea totally insane? I figure I've got nothing to lose because I've got no job anyway and no marriage really. Also, even though he's the one who has withdrawn sexual intimacy and bonding, I can't bear the thought of causing him pain (even if he deserves it) I know in his way he will be devasted so I feel I can only go the coward's route. This is really scary but I can't think of another way out. Does anyone think I'm making the wrong decision?

LIFE is the answer---engaging your self to be a participant. When your 'partner' isn't partnering with you anymore, its time to move on. Be active, positve and motivated towards the direction you ARE going in.... don't languish with negativity or what might have been.

Seems you have largely figured out what you need to do.<br />
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I wish you the best in the execution of your strategy.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thanks everyone, I'm reading the stories and am shocked at how many kindred spirits there are out there. Yes I was quite a spirited woman when I met him, don't know how I turned into this. We are intellectually compatible but emotionally estranged I guess (sexual needs are not incompatable, he just doesn't want sex with me). Busy reading 'Excuse me your LIFE is waiting" while I muster courage and a plan B. I am a qualified lecturer (2 degrees) so not stupid - only about this and could perhaps use skills to take me in a different direction.<br />
I've tried hard not to make him the source of my happiness. I know I need to love myself more and I'm working on that. I know I've isolated myself from friends (felt too burdened to socialise). And I know I deserve more (than he's offering). Hopefully i will find a way out of this and create a fulfilling life for myself. thank you all again, your comments have left me feeling less lonely.

ND, <br />
Welcome to ILIASM. Keep reading here in this group - you will find many, many stories similar to yours. We understand - the situation, the tiredness, the living death. <br />
I left a marriage of 27 years, after 12 years of no affection of any kind. I have a new life, even at my age. I'm not saying this is the answer for you - just saying you are understood.