I Had A "heart On"...when I Really Wanted Time With A "hard On"...Another night. Just like every other night. Nothing special. No great and terrific strides made into the "now having sex again" department. I am sad. I am so lonely. I am lonely with my spouse sitting a foot away from me. When is enough, enough? Have I passed the point of no return and am now just resigned to this situation? Do I love myself enough to accept love if and when it is offered? Do I feel worthy?
Last night was like every other night. We were alone together in the same room. The tv was bathing the area in nonsense chatter. We started to argue about Hub coming home and being a total ***** as soon as he walked in the door, but I didn't engage in the arguement. His anger was supposedly ba
I am an insulin dependent diabetic, so it's a treat for me to make treats. I deny myself certian foods because I have to, but this time of year I give myself permission to have a little of this and a little of that. That's one of the reasons chocolate covered strawberries are special. I get to have a few once a year. It's a big damn deal. ;)
Hub was instantly pissed instead of thankful that I had done all this cooking and cleaning...I had been a bad, bad girl for having, and indugling in sugar. I'm not a dipshit. I know I have to be mindful and all things in moderation, but when something is denied, oh it makes one want it all the more! The sweet is that much sweeter...
I walked off and said for the millionth time, "Okay. You're right. Must be a wonderful feeling." There I go again with the sarcasm. I had prepared for a pleasant evening. I had my proverbial ducks in a row. Those ducks were shot down one by one and I felt like a rebellious child that was waiting for punishment.
What and *******'s *******.
I am blue today. Really blue. Really sad. I am just feeling empty with no hopes of being filled again. I know that anything is possible. I think about leaving all the time. I think about the fine tuning it will take to walk out the door with no intentions of ever walking back in. But for right now, I am giving into the lonliness. The anger. The depression. The tension not released that happens when two people are totally naked to their souls and join together. To love for the sake of being loved. Love for the sake of angelic loving. Union...
Yup, today the tears want and need to flow. I know it doesn't help a single thing, but sometimes the break in my heart overflows and just needs to be able to purge.
I hate it when I get this way. I don't like to whine. I like to have, and hold on tight, to a sense of humor. I would much rather laugh than cry. Who wouldn't?
Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Humor is despair refusing to take itself seriously.
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." Remember???
Oh well, I just needed to vent. Thank you for letting me.
IpheliaPayne 36-40, F 24 Responses 3 Feb 15, 2011