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I Had A "heart On"...when I Really Wanted Time With A "hard On"...

Another night. Just like every other night. Nothing special. No great and terrific strides made into the "now having sex again" department. I am sad. I am so lonely. I am lonely with my spouse sitting a foot away from me. When is enough, enough? Have I passed the point of no return and am now just resigned to this situation? Do I love myself enough to accept love if and when it is offered? Do I feel worthy?

Last night was like every other night. We were alone together in the same room. The tv was bathing the area in nonsense chatter. We started to argue about Hub coming home and being a total ***** as soon as he walked in the door, but I didn't engage in the arguement. His anger was supposedly based on the fact that I began making treats and special little things last week and last night. I wanted to have some flippin *** fun!

I am an insulin dependent diabetic, so it's a treat for me to make treats. I deny myself certian foods because I have to, but this time of year I give myself permission to have a little of this and a little of that. That's one of the reasons chocolate covered strawberries are special. I get to have a few once a year. It's a big damn deal. ;)

Hub was instantly pissed instead of thankful that I had done all this cooking and cleaning...I had been a bad, bad girl for having, and indugling in sugar. I'm not a dipshit. I know I have to be mindful and all things in moderation, but when something is denied, oh it makes one want it all the more! The sweet is that much sweeter...

I walked off and said for the millionth time, "Okay. You're right. Must be a wonderful feeling." There I go again with the sarcasm. I had prepared for a pleasant evening. I had my proverbial ducks in a row. Those ducks were shot down one by one and I felt like a rebellious child that was waiting for punishment.

What and *******'s *******.

I am blue today. Really blue. Really sad. I am just feeling empty with no hopes of being filled again. I know that anything is possible. I think about leaving all the time. I think about the fine tuning it will take to walk out the door with no intentions of ever walking back in. But for right now, I am giving into the lonliness. The anger. The depression. The tension not released that happens when two people are totally naked to their souls and join together. To love for the sake of being loved. Love for the sake of angelic loving. Union...

Yup, today the tears want and need to flow. I know it doesn't help a single thing, but sometimes the break in my heart overflows and just needs to be able to purge.

I hate it when I get this way. I don't like to whine. I like to have, and hold on tight, to a sense of humor. I would much rather laugh than cry. Who wouldn't?

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Humor is despair refusing to take itself seriously.

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." Remember???



Oh well, I just needed to vent. Thank you for letting me.

IpheliaPayne IpheliaPayne 36-40, F 24 Responses Feb 15, 2011

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choccibean- LOL- Excellent point!

It's not just the net connection - it's because we're all living it. Believe me, if you've ever tried to have a conversation about a sexless marriage in real life, you'll know what it's like to speak swahili and nothing but, in downtown Manhattan. It ain't the words, it's the people who are doing the listening xx

sierra- I do believe that the time will come when happiness is all around. :)



You're right about the "net connection". I wonder sometimes if it is because we actually use WORDS to tell what is happening in our lives and describing our feelings...instead of just letting time pass without saying anything with real meaning to the people who are supposed to mean everything.



I hope today finds you well!

You're so right on love not hurting. Thanks for the kind words. It's funny that sometimes we connect so much better with folks on the net then the ones we actually live with....Hopefully we'll both find what we need and want in life.

sierra33- Hurt hurts, no matter what the reason. The ones that say they love us need to get in their thick heads that love is not supposed to hurt!



I am so sorry that you are hurting. My best wishes and warm (((Hugs)))...Take care of YOU!

enna30- "At some level, we all "know" this stuff, but hearing it from others' having examples from the lives of others, and reading about situations that resemble our own, can be very revealing AND comforting." How completely true!!!



You are a terrific person with a HUGE amount of knowledge. I appreciate you sharing with me so much!!!

I can relate to feeling removed from a spouse. It's for a different reason but the distance still hurts. You do sound like you have kept that sense of humor and a lot of strength along with it. I'm wishing you all the luck in finding you way, either through this situation or out of it.

Sometimes I go to seminars for work and on my return, my colleagues ask me:

"Learn anything new?"

Sometimes I do, but after over forty years working, I often don't learn much that is "new".



BUT! I do have re-affirmed for me the knowledge I've already gained; I see it from new perspectives; I challenge if from the other viewpoints I hear . . . And so it IS worthwhile going to these seminars.



I think much the same happens here. At some level, we all "know" this stuff, but hearing it from others' having examples from the lives of others, and reading about situations that resemble our own, can be very revealing AND comforting.



It is such a blessing when we first get to ILIASM and have that "I am not alone" recognition!! And as we read, listen, argue, debate and tell our own stories, the clarity grows . . . . And with this clarity comes the ability to choose a future path for ourselves.

enna30- As always you tell it like it is. There are sooo many simularities in what you were saying about even meal times with these control freaks. Often, after I have been cooking I don't want to eat right away. It always sparks b.s. when he is ready and I am not. Amazing...



"When this need to CONTROL spills over into relationships - and it becomes corrosive because it is excessive - then the relationship is doomed IMO." So, so true! I often tell him that he should be taking something for anxiety because he fidgets so much. He just can't relax and be in the moment.



It's funny, and sad...that when I think back to when we actually did have a sexlife (a gazillion years ago), he controlled that even when I initiated. Which for the last few years before it stopped completely, I was the one who always initiated it. Now he has the control of stopping it completely.



Warriorpoett- LMAO @ everything you said! I should have just shoved one of those treats straight up his ***....but what a terrible waste and abuse of a lovely treat, lol.



"I would have helped you dip your berries and made sure the insulin was handy just in case, that's how you do it." LMAO....Fan-freakin- tastic!!!



mvcmvc- "Unless your husband is a physician, then he has no business commenting on your management of your diabetes." Right on!!! Next time he pulls one of his shananagins I will say that exactly!



"This supposed "concern" for your health is smoke and mirrors to hide the other real issues in your marriage. And he knows it." How totally true is that? Wow, it take someone elses insight to really make sense of a situation. Awesome!



Mistakemaker- I love those ideas too!



"You may have to physically be in the same room as him, but your mind can be anywhere else you'd like to be." Totally right!!! And I will make a plan to do something that I love and can be absorbed into. Even for just a little while. Thank you for another fabulous thought and idea!!!



bazzar- Thank you...and you are right. I can generally spin even his most ridiculous behaviour into something stupid- funny to myself.



"Looks also like you are close to a point of clarity to me." Right again. Those "ta-da!" moments are becoming more clear and deafening in the silence of this marriage.



Zunisun1- (((Group Hugs)))



bincalli- Thank you for the compliment! Daily affirmations. We all need them! :)



I cannot begin to tell ALL of you, (even though I will try), how amazing to me that ALL of you are!!! Just a different perspective suddenly makes what was shaded bright and brilliant.



This is so much more than "food for thought". Suggestions, ideas, pointing out what I could easily miss or just bypass... Helps those "ta-da!" moments become more and more clear.



Thank you. All of you are Wonderful!!!

You are All such Dear and Wonderful People! Thank you for letting me have my online "whine-fest" and taking the time to post to me. I appreciate, and will take each suggestion, to heart.



blubunnie- You are sooo right. Coming here is very cathartic! :)



Peachy- You're right. He was an *** for the simple sake of being an *** to screw the night up. I think there needs to be a vow added to the general marriage vows that says, "I will be nice even if I don't agree." What the hell happened to just being nice with these miserable jackasses?



I will definitely join your group!!! It sounds wonderful!!! :)



jasonm47- OMG! What about an early patrole for time served? lol- 16 more years? Are the children affected by the "Ice Queen", or does she just save all that up for you?



It's very commendable that you are willing to do what you have to do in order to get through for the sake of your children. Please take care of yourself in the process!



LOL @ "Oh well, another day, another night..... and another 30 to 40 years none of this nonsense will matter anymore. :) " Dear lord...Where's the damn Calgon when a person needs it?



nitwitty- LMAO@ "It sucks to have your ducks in a row when you're married to a duck hunter!"



"cloaking it in the guise of "I care about your health" he gets two birds with one stone: he gets a pass on romance and feels virtuous at the same time. Both barrels, right to the heart." WOW...That hits the nail on the head big time! I just hadn't thought of it that way. You stated what my brain didn't conjure up fantastically!!!



Awesome suggestions! Doing something nice for others is a sure fire way to make a person feel better about themselves and have a more positive outlook! I love it!!! (((Hugs- right back at ya)))



micha2808- Thank you. :) I do take meds for depression. I have often told the Hub that I probably wouldn't need them if he wasn't there. LOL- May be more truth to that than just being a smartass to him.

You would make an excellent writer :) Don't be afraid.. You are strong..

I lived this too...........................it sucks.

I think your humour is both a terrific asset. and possibly an impediment at times.



I think it has enabled you to tolerate this situation for periods way longer than most could.



The downside is that it has enabled you to tolerate this situation for periods way longer than you SHOULD.



This is NOT a criticism, your humour is simply a delightful part of the whole thing that makes you you.



You are also intuitive and smart. And it looks like "smart" is coming into the ascendancy. Looks also like you are close to a point of clarity to me. I got nuthin' in the way of "hints" etc for you, because I doubt you need them. Reckon you will work this out just fine all by yourself.



Tread your own path.

I like nitwitty's idea of sharing your treats with others who would appreciate your thoughtfulness. Imagine how much more you would enjoy your treats if you were surrounded by happy, appreciative people.



Make a plan today to stop letting your husband push your buttons - find a way to tune him out. You may have to physically be in the same room as him, but your mind can be anywhere else you'd like to be.

-----"...I had been a bad, bad girl for having, and indugling in sugar."



Unless your husband is a physician, then he has no business commenting on your management of your diabetes. That is between you and your physician. He needs to back off on that one. This supposed "concern" for your health is smoke and mirrors to hide the other real issues in your marriage. And he knows it.



I am with enna30 on this - CONTROL.

Just imagine those chocolate covered strawberries, real big ones now really really big ones now and how good it would feel to shove them up his ***. Sorry he just won the That Ain't No Way To Treat A Lady Award and as far as I'm concerned he needs a big can of whoopass poured all over him. I would have helped you dip your berries and made sure the insulin was handy just in case, that's how you do it.

Your post says CONTROL to me. He is a control freak I think. You are SUPPOSED to do what HE thinks is right for YOU! If not YOU are failing HIM!!!



Huh? Whatever happened to autonomy? to respect for others? to understanding and compassion?

Spouses like your's (and my ex) have an over-riding NEED to control what we do. It is not enough for them to control themselves alone - if you are within their dynamic, then they must control you too.



My ex would get VERY huffy if I was not hungry at meal times. I was SUPPOSED to eat at regular times (I usually did) and if I didn't feel like eating, I was in the WRONG!!



Do they do it just because they are ******? No, even if it feels that way!! They are gripped by anxiety issues (which they usually do not recognise in themselves) and feel the need to CONTROL their environment in order to minimise their own anxiety.



Many of us do this when we are anxious - we "micro-manage" our behaviour in order to reduce the feelings of anxiety which can swamp us otherwise. Think of checking the windows are locked and the electric power points are all turned off before you leave the house to go away for a few weeks. . . . I bet you check more than once!! I know I do!!



When this need to CONTROL spills over into relationships - and it becomes corrosive because it is excessive - then the relationship is doomed IMO. If your DH cannot acknowledge this need to control, will not address it and continues to exercise it in relation to you, he is POISONING any chance of your life becoming what YOU need and want.

Sounds like you DO still have your sense of humor well and truly in tact - well done you! It is certainly a valuable commodity in our situations. Also, you go and let those tears flow - it is cleansing for the soul and the reason you are probably not medically depressed and still able to have a laugh!

Ah, I'm so sorry! It sucks to have your ducks in a row when you're married to a duck hunter!



Just trying to make you laugh, but tears are cathartic too. How you feel at the moment is how you feel, and doesn't have to be justified to anyone. We've all been there too, and are still right here with you. We understand and care about your pain. (((((hugs)))))



I agree with Whatapeach that he was probably trying to sabotage any intimate ideas you had. And by cloaking it in the guise of "I care about your health" he gets two birds with one stone: he gets a pass on romance and feels virtuous at the same time. Both barrels, right to the heart.



Question: who can you think of that would adore having you show up at their coffee break with chocolate-dipped strawberries? Nurses at a local hospital? Someone in a nursing home? Women's shelter? There is comfort, too, in giving out your love with no expectation of return . . .



Take care, and more hugs!!!

Your post is something that I could have easily written - except I am the male that gets treated that way by the female. The only reason I am there really is becuase of the children - once they are gone, I am leaving right behind them. I have 16 more years left of my sentence to serve. BUT - I did try (once again) - I left work early, picked up some red roses, chocolates and a card. I helped with dinner, cleaned up and got all 3 kids to bed early. She went to bed and I showered quickly and followed. I attempted to hug the ice cold witch and got " no no no I am tooo tired". So, I rolled over and went to sleep just like every other night. I often times feel lonely even though she is always there physically. I have never met an ice cold person like that. When we were dating she seemed a lot nicer, friendlier and great - and we even had sex a few times which resulted in a unplanned pregnancy. So, we talked about building a life together and at that time it sounded good. Now, 7.5 years later, here we are. I have been just focusing on my work and making some money over the last few years. I am a guy - I can tough it out. I do not mean to sound like I am complaining because I did this to myself. But, how long can someone live without any affection or anything that connects us together ? We do live more like roommates even though we do share a bed most of the time - sometimes I have just slept on the couch when I feel very cold and alone. Oh well, another day, another night..... and another 30 to 40 years none of this nonsense will matter anymore. :)

blubunnie & readyfor it- Thank you. I'm laughing now. Kleenex crisis is over....



This morning I've just been up and down more times than a *****'s drawers ;)

Ah hell, might as well belt buckle me into a bar stool and lets get down and dirty gettin our drink on!!!

You are not alone. I had a bad night too......let's drink........

Ab-so-******-lutely! Let's pity and party until we are too drunk to remember what the problem was that got us to drinking...