Sexless Life With No Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

First, it really sucks that so many men are so obstinate when it comes to their Penis. He can't get hard, like millions of other men out there, and there is medicine and procedures to correct that, and he'll just play ignorant to it, for his own foolish pride. As a man, I find it so aggravating, that some men could be so stupid.



With that said, the penis does have it's own brain. And at times, it just doesn't want to do what we want it to do. Not so long ago, I was having some financial issues, and just a lot of stress, my girl came up to me, kissing me, wanting to have sex, and I just couldn't get hard. Seriously, I love sex, I'm the kind of guy that goes all day and night. This is not me, and I was quite upset and aggravated. I was upfront with her, apologized, tried to let her know it wasn't her but me. I went down on her, made sure she came. Later we lied on bed, and she asked me what was wrong. She wanted to know if I was still attracted to her. I assured her I was, but I know she didn't believe it. As upsetting it is for a man, I know it is equally for a woman. We laid in each others arms naked, talked a little, and then started to kiss, and then we talked about sexual situations we had with each other in the past. As we were telling stories, and fantasizing verbally with each other, I started to get hard, and she was on top of me. Needless to say we had sex for hours that night.



Sometimes, you need to relax your partner, talk dirty to each other, be inventive. Foreplay, roleplay, and let him relax. In due time, you may reactivate the brain in the other member.

Not to disagree with other posters, but the "did your appearance change" comment is crap. I married a hot 19 (we're both the same age) year old, and 32 years later, I have to admit, she doesn't look anything like she did then. But our sex life is incredible. It was always good, but much better now with so much of the daily stress of a young family out of the way, and our insecurities and inhibitions gone. I'm sorry to hear he won't work on it for you both.

I used to struggle with sex... I wanted her to have mind blowing O's.

She just wanted me to get off.

Many times she would beg me to leave her alone, as she had enough.

Then she began to fake it so I would stop. ( I new right away)

I asked her if she could help me, guide me to what she liked. Never happened.

She seemed to prefer the "slam bam" method.

Then she would complain of no foreplay. If I did foreplay, she would say things like, can't you hurry this up, I have to go to work in the morning.

I remember the last time we had sex. It was probably my worst effort.

She had put so much pressure on me, as she wanted to have a baby girl, she was measuring her vaginal temp, etc. Then she says, "NOW."

I had a problem maintaining, but did get the job done, a sweet little baby boy.

My point with this was, she was acting like it was the hottest sex of her life, She is a good actress.

I even apologized, I was so embarrassed.

Now she is a 100% refuser, not even a kiss on the cheek.

I got the old " I love you but I am not in-love with you anymore?" Never really understood that one.

How can one attempt to reignite that loving feeling, If the spouse isn't open to any form of intimacy.

She has more "sexual" contact with her co-workers than with me. At least they get huggs.

I am currently in recovery, and when I get my act together, I will give it one more try.

Good Luck

" It needs to be a fun exciting union for mutual gratification."

Exactly! I have a long road ahead of me with small probability of success. I hope you can renew your W's interest in sex.

Wow as a husband in a sexless marriage, I can almost relate. I for one have never turned my wife away. Then again, my erections became very painfull at one point. The desire was there, the ability gone. The stress was incredible. Turns out a routine visit to the Dr. solved that problem/ I had a bad prostrate infection.

I guess the point is, a regular Dr. can help him. Go with him, or call the Dr ahead of time and explain his problem. A simple pill can help, but there is usually a much more serious problem at the root of his ED. The next step would be to make sex fun again, not a chore. My wife began to view sex as a job, like cleaning toilets. No wonder she didn't want me anymore. I am no expert, but I have been there and I still am there. Every relationship is different, but in the end the results seem to be the same. No intimacy and no sex. It need not be a dreaded activity with the wife. It needs to be a fun exciting union for mutual gratification.

I wish you Good Luck.

There can be four options to address this:



1) Try to address it, giving full consideration to what your partner is going through, because ultimately it is he who has to involve.



2) If that is not possible, try to talk to him with a kind of finality. It could be something like "look, I understand you are going through a lot, and I am not asking you do it, I am okay as long as we are loving; but you have to consult a doctor and it is perfectly normal to have ED under these circumstances. Though I don't insist on sex from you, I dont want to miss the chance if the doctor can do something about it. It is your responsibility to help me with that much cooperation. If not, it very clearly means you dont care for my needs, and that relieves me to find my own ways to fulfill my needs"



3) If that did not work, it means he puts his personal ego above your sexual needs. Meeting a doctor is the minimum that he should do if he cares for you, and that is well within his hand, if not ED itself. If he refuses to do so, and you should definitely need to look out (ultimately you should not suffer sexlessness for reasons beyond your control).



4) Think about quitting the marriage only if your sexless marriage stands in the way of your sexual freedom, and love & affection and dependence are all totally lost.

I KNOW it's not that simple. In fact of people in ILIASM about half are staying at least in the short-run and in the general population more than 50% decide to stay. However, reasons for leaving are much easier to express and justify. And the leavers here are more eloquent, I think :)



"Men with ED often feel demoralized and shamed by their inability to please their partners in bed. For some, the anxiety is so high that they simply will avoid sex altogether as a means of coping with the stress."



I think it says it all!

On one hand, I do not want to push sex and put even more stress on H but on the other hand I know that by doing nothing I just prolog my sexless existence. Catch 22…

You say you wont leave. I wouldn't take that card of the table. Unfortunately, it often takes a serious ultimatum to motivate a refusing spouse into action.



And, I think people here are FAR too quick to assume what the refusing spouse is feeling. Men with ED often feel demoralized and shamed by their inability to please their partners in bed. For some, the anxiety is so high that they simply will avoid sex altogether as a means of coping with the stress. This certainly isn't healthy, but it really isn't for anyone here to judge your partner's feelings and reasons for avoiding sex.



You need to talk with him, and set your own personal boundaries about what you need from your marriage to stay engaged and happy.



Go to your husband in love and try to open the lines of communication. You can make your decisons from there. And, don't listen to anarchristian, he says every ones spouse doesn't love them. If it was only that simple.

guyindeed69,

Thak you for your suggestions. I am working on no- anxiety intimacy when we spend some time together naked in bed or a hot tub but w/o sex. We have been doing that for about a month. He refuses any professional help while I am getting more and more convinced he is suffering from ED. Sigh...

If the physical reasons are ruled out, then it is purely psychological. They say the mind is the greatest sexual organ. In your case it is understandable, given the history of complications, conception and all that stuff. Added to that, men get turned off as quickly as they get aroused. As you mentioned, initially he had a very high libido, higher than yours but as you slowly picked up, he equaled you, then yours went up but he was downward. Subsequent complications in conception really put stress on his sexual performance. "Many years of trying" have definitely affected his appetite for sex drastically, which already had a downward trend. Then the "no-sex" period during your pregnancy has completely put it off.



If you observe, sex and especially the performance has been into an abnormal focus throughout, for considerably long period; reason enough to send a man down on his libido. Very obviously he is getting absorbed into computer games etc as a way to avoid sex. I feel following are the three things that you can try to do:



Stop pursuing "sex" (intercourse and c) for sometime, and assure him that you are not really looking for that. This should remove the performance anxiety from him.



Computer games can be very absorbing and addictive in nature, which should be avoided. Prevail upon him to give up that habit and to sleep with you. Just being and sleeping together is enough for the time being.



Make him understand he does not necessarily perform intercourse to satisfy the woman. There are many ways that you can pleasure each other. You can explore all those things slowly, and every time reassuring him it need not culminate into a sexual intercourse necessarily



Get him a professional advice (he should understand this is very much necessary and at the same time this effort itself should not cause any performance anxiety in him)



I think you can give it a shot, since he has genuine reasons for his dysfunction and apparently there are no relationship issues with you both. You need to support each other in this situation.

Good luck with the "talk" - if you guys survived the infertility years together you can definitely survive seeing some doctors regarding this. That is unless you were the only one that was poked and probed during the fertility treatments?



I can empathize well with your situation. My wife and I went through years of the infertility doctors - and we also were blessed with a child after a long, grueling experience. But boy did that whole ordeal suck the intimacy out of the relationship! Attempting to procreate on demand, providing ***** in a cup in a doctor's office when the magical test reads positive, etc... All memories I would rather forget. Surviving that experience can make sex just seem so utilitarian, a means to an end, and it can make you forget that it is also a gift to make your partner feel wanted, desirable, and worthwhile.



Just to let you know - I am hopeful and praying for you and your marriage. Good luck!

Warriorpoett,

Thank you for your honest comment! I went to talk to a councelor on my own and they would not even talk to me till H sees a dr. The woman said it's a waste of time since it may be some obstruction of blood flow and no amount of councelling can help. I am planning to have "the talk" this week and then we'll see...

Hope to post an update later this week.

I suppose he never heard that there are other ways to please a woman, it doesn't take an erect penis to have a satisfying experience if there is love behind it. But he's rejecting you out of hand and refusing to do anything for you and that doesn't sound promising. If it was me having that problem well let's just say I would be doing pushups with my tongue. He has more problems than just simple ED going on here and it may be that he has fallen out of love with you. You need a lay all the cards on the table honest conversation about this and then some action needs to be taken. Tell him if he wants to stay married then he's going to the doctor and not just a General Practitioner he needs to see someone that treats ED on a regular basis. It also sounds like that honest conversation might bring up a few other issues too that need to be addressed if there is to be any chance at saving this potential train wreck. Counseling might help but a lot depends on the quality of the counselor and that can be pretty much a matter of getting lucky. So do some thinking, do some homework and find the right doctor, and look for a counselor. Have the ducks all lined up so he doesn't have any weasel room and then have that honest conversation and if he doesn't want to cooperate then you will know that you are wasting your time and should just make your plan for moving on with your life because that one won't get any better.

there is a stigma associated with ED, some men take it worse and feel like less of a man. Heck, some men don't even go to a doctor for ANY reason either from fear or fear of seeming weak.

silverback1952 ,

some months ago I did ask my H to perhaps start at least doing oral sex, just for starters. It never went anywhere. He never enjoyed oral (even before his problems started) and always turned me down when I offered. He says it's selfish although I don't see how it is selfish if I am offering. He was never adventurous in bed... Perhaps I should push this solution further.

Thank you for your feedback!

I hate to be indelicate here but an erection is not the only way one can take care of his woman. There are MANY ways. In fact a little imagination can sometimes solve the initial issue at times. What is the deal with refusers that seem to think it is all about them. Personally I get as much pleasure if not more from pleasuring my woman as being pleasured myself. I think there is a paradigm thing going on here between those of us who are into IT and those of us who aren't. It is like hunger, you either are or you are not.

My stbx had ED issues which he refused to address. After a decade of no sex, the "why" ceased to matter, only "that". Perhaps, if my stbx had tried to address the problem rather than pretend it didn't exist 99.9% of the time, he wouldn't be my stbx. Now I realize that it wasn't a "medical issue", it was a convenient excuse for a selfish, unloving man.



I am so much happier without the soul-crushing experience of living in a sexless marriage.



Princess ReadyForALovingMan

"The side effects from these ED drugs are horrendous. "



Headache, heartburn, nasal congestion and flushing are a small price to pay to be able to fully express my love for the woman I am with.

It's NOT your appearance. The problem is with your H.



Far more than the physical issue is the fact that he's unwilling to DO anything about it.



Love is shown through action, NOT empty words. Judge your H, purely on that basis.

Thank you all for your input!



WakingUpInTexas,

your response was so good, I was afraid no one else would post. Ha-ha! What you said is true although it is not easy for me to admit since my husband tells me that he loves me all the time, he just does not get sexual. Perhaps I should post "deeds, not words" as my favorite quote for my profile so that I read it again and again.



NSH,

I tend to believe that a visit to a dr would fix our non existant sex life but sometimes perhaps it is naive to think that a pill can solve our sex problems. Your story about a friend gives me hope, thank you!



cntfndhme,

my appearance has not changed much plus I don't think my husband ever cared for appearances all that much. His ex girlfriends were no beauty queens and I still look better than they did in their college years.

Eventually every man on the planet will experience ED to some extent.



If they have not learned how to be deeply intimate and connect with their partner, be generously sexual (even if they have ED), and will not do what it takes to please a willing partner by enthustiastically loving, adoring and worshipping you and your body, each and every day - then when physical or psychological ailments hit, they are sunk and become useless in the intimate department. Dead in the water.



You will be given the "shoulder shrug", hands in the air "what can I do about it excuse" - the ED is blamed (although he could still be deeply, deeply intimate without a working penis if he chooses to) and that is it. They give up. And in your case, whatever intimate behavior you had with him is now replaced with computer games.



Does this seem like adult behavior to you?



I would explore other options.

I personally think in many of these cases, the males fall out of love. Their penises are the barometers of their emotional and physical attraction to their mates. Think of the Coolidge effect. Look that up online.



We prescribe pills for everything these days. My gawd almighty. It is getting ridiculous. The side effects from these ED drugs are horrendous.

Something dawned on me just now. See if there are any online forums or site for men with ED. If he went there maybe he could realize that he is one of millions with this condition. Could make him less reluctant to seek help. He would see that it is a pretty common problem. Perhaps you would need to find it first & find one that has success stories of men who got treatment & it helped.



A very good friend of mine had this same condition since his early 20's. He is actually not embarresed to talk about it. Never has been. Anyway after viagra hit the market he started it & boom, the problem was gone. He now has a VERY happy wife :-) I think he takes cialis now. Not sure but I will see him in a few min for music practice before church. If you don't mind I'll email you with what meds he takes. I think he has tried several & found one that works best.



NSH :-)

While I am not usually much of ones for ultimatiums this may be an exception. unlike most in our group many of the problems you two have are fixable. It may come down to see a specialist or the damage to our marriage my be unrepairable. Don't say fix it or I'm gone which could backfire. Most ED problems are treatable.



While not me personally, many men were raised to believe that if a man isn't "taking care of business" at home then he is less of a man. Therefore they wont seek help because of embarrisment. Maybe talk to him in the vain of this is nothing to be embarresed about. It is a real medical problem just as any other medical condition. If he had chest pains would he would go see a doctor? If he bad back pains, he would go to a doctor etc etc. This is the SAME thing. Doctors see a lot of this & treat it as any other medical condition. I never quite understood the whole not seeking help because of pride. It has NOTHING to do with being less of a man. It is a medical condition, nothing more, nothing less. I do wish you the best.



NSH :-)

Has your physical appearance changed alot since you first met? My first wife gained alot and then complicated it by not practicing good hygiene which can be a real turn off. Its effect was not diminishing my need for sex...only my need for sex from her....I never cheated on her but the damages that can result from that kind of thing coupled with the difficulty of talking about it led to a divorce.

WUIT has said it all. Read his comment well.

My H did the general dr thing. We tried all the pills. No luck. My H won't even talk about the pump.

Every man will occasionally not be able to will his body to perform for one of a million possible reasons. If it happens more than once or twice then he should speak to a doctor.



Simply put he clearly needs to see a specialist. It is not he can't get it up that is the problem in the relationship but the fact that he won't seek help. He simply does not care enough about you and your relationship to do anything to fix it. St. AC says it more plainly "He does not love you"



I would suggest that you read a bit more here, have "The Talk" and then start looking at your other options.