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Some Fantasies Should Never Come True

I remember writing three years ago that at times I hoped my wife was having an affair because she was too beautiful, too vital, and too desirable to live a sexless life. I didn't want her to feel the way I felt nor did I want her to live a life without intimacy. She is simply too wonderful to live such a lonely existence. I wrote this honestly, believing she deserved so much more even though she is the refuser.

I am writing this story now for a number of reasons. First of all a recent post brought up the question "What if our refusers were out cheating on us?" and I responded with the comments below. Secondly, what is written below is one of the main reasons I have migrated back to ILIASM. Third, and perhaps the most important of all for me, is as I confront this issue I need help, support, empathy and will probably also need a few slaps in the head as I travel down the path before me.

Brief historical profile: Married in 1986, sexless since 1988 (less than 4 times per year) and completely sexless - none at all - since 1999.

I found an email my wife printed and saved from March of 2004. The email was from a guy, my exact same age, where he had replied to her email confirming that he to "smiled every time he thought of their night together." At that point in time I had been refused any intimacy at all for five years and yet she found her intimacy somewhere else leaving me in my misery, alone.

It doesn't help to know this. It makes what seems like it can't get any worse...worse, much worse. This does not free me, it does not make decisions easier, it doesn't answer questions it only raises more. No, this doesn't help anything.

I found the email three weeks ago and haven't confronted her yet. I am committed to staying here until my son graduates high school, he is strong emotionally but I do not feel he should suffer the consequences of these adult problems just yet in his life. I also am afraid to confront her for fear of the consequences. I am sure I will have to leave, and I am afraid. I don't know how to deal with the emotions I am feeling and the financial struggles that are sure to come. I am afraid of the loss of my family and home; it is all I have worked for and lived for for the last 25 years.

So I wouldn't wish this on any human being and fantasizing over it or believing it would make decisions easier - as I have done - just isn't so. It hurts, a lot. I don't know what to do or how to deal with it.
hardtobear hardtobear 51-55 22 Responses Feb 22, 2011

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Bear,<br />
<br />
How's this situation going? Stay strong. My Best to You. CC

my observation....When a woman catches a man cheating he begs for forgiveness. When a man catches his wife cheating she demands a divorce. It says a lot about the difference in men and women. One is seeking a thrill the other is wanting a new life.

Some good advice from the forum. It is never easy to see a spouse as a bad person when they are not screaming at you or being mean in an outward way. You can always have doubts that way. Now that you have moved along down the path of time you find more evidence of unloving behavior. This unloving behavior is shutting you out from her life. What kind of a life do you really have? I would make plans to leave. How many more years will it take for you to believe that the one you thought you married is not the woman you are living with.

HTB: Don't beat yourself. We all do what we have to do. Sometimes we make chioices that are not the best, but we are human.<br />
<br />
The truth is what is done is done. You need to make some real life, grown up decisions. Confront, clear the air, start anew, or make plans to disolve your broken relationship. You can't just sit there and do nothing now. This **** will haunt you.<br />
<br />
I am sending you hugs and strength. <br />
<br />
Love<br />
KFC

HTB, <br />
Your marriage has been over for years. If these e-mails are the "WTF moment" for you that provide you with your motivation to finally make a change, go with it. <br />
<br />
And Sliderule had an interesting point, above. I've also talked to adults who say they wish their unhappy parents had split up sooner.

One more thought. I won't comment on blame issues; I just don't believe in propping up something dead and pretending that it's alive...but on children, I stayed "for the kids" as long as I could stand it. In the breakup, she decided that she did not want to be the custodial parent, so I ended up with the kids. They were 15 and 18 when she left. We adapted pretty quickly. The custody decision was the key part of my exit plan; I was a little surprised that she was willing to give them up. Don't put too narrow a limit on your planning, I guess, is what I'd really want to say.

Just to clear things up on the e-mail. I certainly appreciate everyone that is examining this piece of evidence. I have done my research, even paying for information on the culprit. I only disclosed one sentence of two emails she had printed and saved. These emails were stored in one of the fifteen, yes fifteen, containers storing clothing of hers. We recently renovated and all the excess crap ended up in what I consider to be my domain; the garage and the ba<x>sement. Out of frustration I bought several storage racks and clear bins so I could organize and clean up my domain, which had become over run with everyone elses stuff. It was in this cleaning and dumping process I found the well hidden saved and stored emails. I was not snooping, I was clearing out stuff everyone else was dumping on me.<br />
<br />
There is no question what went on, none. I do not need her to confirm or deny; I know beyond a question of a doubt; she is guilty of infidelity. So am I. No need to go into that, the history is all contained in the volumes I have written here. (Sorry I am so verbose.) Suffice it to say it happened seven years into marriage as a result of all her refusals and my living in a sexless marriage. I confessed. I believe we worked it out over a very long period. I only went outside the marriage for a BJ and it was with someone I disliked, there was no emotional infidelity. I have never had intercourse with any other person since the day I began dating her. I am guilty, I confessed, I did my pennance and it was in 1993 in reaction to the sexlessness of the marriage and the complete inability to solve the problem all the way back then, and I am still here and have not wandered since.<br />
<br />
Neither of us are perfect and I cannot hold her to a standard I myself could not keep, but that does not diminish the pain and suffering. All of this is a result of her denying me a normal sexual reality. The fact she has chosen to go outside the marriage when she had a willing partner and I went outside the marriage because I did not means something, at least to me.<br />
<br />
To this day, I would choose my wife over any other woman I have ever known. Now I understand she is no longer a choice at all. She left the marriage decades, yes decades, ago. I am just a very persistent, committed, slow learner.

Seek and ye shall find. When my wife started this sexlessness years ago I'm ashamed to admit I went through her sent emails looking for clues. She'd always gone to this music festival with her friends every year and, although it wasn't my thing, I was happy to let her go still on her own. I found an email addressed to a man which read something like 'you may remember me....I was hanging all over you all night on friday'. Knife to the stomach. Here it is. I googled the name of the man and it turned out to be a blues performer in his late-seventies. Definitely not. The message here is there's a part of us that wants to find an answer like this. The email you mentioned could very well be what you suspect, or as others have said, could be something very innocent. Think of a situation where you'd been out with a female friend or friends and could have innocently said something similar.

totally agree with eternal hope and endthegame

Knowing what effects living in that kind of environment has had on your kids really won't show up until they try and form relationships and unfortunately they tend to imitate what they saw in their home. So just because it was calm and no big arguments doesn't mean they were picking up good pointers on how to build a relationship. If they see a relationship as a business partnership between a couple that is somewhat cold and distant that doesn't bode well for their future. What it boils down to is we don't really know what we do to our kids and staying for the kids doesn't seem to be a very healthy option when you look at the baggage they can pick up.<br />
<br />
As for you well you've known this for a long time but many of us put our heads in the sand and try to ignore reality because we just don't want to face the reality that our future isn't going to be what we planned. You really can't know what's going on inside her head but you have to look at her actions and those say clearly that she is not interested in you as a lover or husband, probably as a provider and a security blanket but you have to realize that's all you will ever be to her. If you want more than that you are going to have to make decisions and be proactive about making changes happen because she is obviously content with just letting things go on as they are for now. Or it may be that she's just waiting till the kids are independent to drop the bomb on you. <br />
<br />
Your best plan is to find out what your options are, knowledge is power especially in the divorce game. Know what you are entitled to and when the time comes get it. The biggest mistake some people make is getting stupid and letting the other person walk away with everything because they don't want to fight. In reality there's no real fight, you work out an acceptable settlement agreement with help from your lawyer and if you can both agree to it that's pretty much it. Where it gets sticky is when you have someone that wants everything and won't agree to anything. Then it may end up being divided up by a judge. But it won't hurt to find out what is available because if you want a life it's in your hands. Good Luck.

Bear,<br />
<br />
Better forewarned than forearmed! I am sorry that this has happened to you and your son. Take A/C's advice. Don't *****-foot around. See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. YOUR future is at stake. You don't have to make your disclosure known to anyone except the lawyer. Then, once you are reasonably settled that you have YOUR best interests (potentially) covered, make a time to confront her. As some have indicated, it might be a mistake. That's the only way you are going to be able to settle this. And, that part's for you. <br />
<br />
Sounds to me like you need to get mad! The time for passivity has past.<br />
<br />
My very best to you. Later CC

It really strikes me as odd that your wife printed out an e-mail that leaves the reader (you) down a trail that is very damaging. Do you think that there is a possibility that she wanted you to find it? A way to hurt you? A way to see how you would react?<br />
<br />
"I also am afraid to confront her for fear of the consequences"....Isn't it better to know than to wonder? Atleast with answers you can make informed plan/s.

NSH - Good advice. <br />
<br />
HTB - If it were you looking at this situation from afar, what would you say to the person involved? You sound like a sweet gentleman who is very feeling. How would you counsel this person?

If she is abusive then it's a form of Stockholm Syndrome. I read an article once that talked about this with abused spouses. Maybe you need to change your mindset on just what you are married to. You are married to a person with no remorse, no feelings of empathy. That qualifies them as a sociopath. I know it is hard when you are caught up in this to look a the wife that way but that's the cold hard truth. She has shown NO concern for the damage she has done or the people she has hurt. Ask yourself this. If a friend came to you with this exact same situation what would I advise them to do? Then just follow your own advice.<br />
<br />
Best of Luck<br />
NSH :-)

HardToBear, <br />
Stay strong. Stay very strong. <br />
<br />
Abuse in marriage should not be tolerated. Your wife has not only done damage to you but she has also damaged her kids. Breaking up the family is her fault. If you do nothing, your kids will think you are the crazy miserable parent and your treacherous wife is the happy normal parent. <br />
<br />
I recommend that you set an example to your kids. <br />
<br />
Tomorrow, call a lawyer and file for divorce under the grounds of adultery and cruelty. Your date of separation should be cited as March 2004. If you can afford it, I also recommend that you sue your wife for abuse. <br />
<br />
The buck stops here. Check out the website: wwwDOTsecretdivorceDOTcom <br />
<br />
Do not get mad. <br />
Do not get even. <br />
Just get your money back and set yourself free.

-----" And for all the pain, both physical and emotional, I have suffered over these very long years this abused man does not want his marriage to be over."<br />
<br />
You need to get to the bottom of WHY you feel a need to stay in an abusive relationship. Why you don't want the abuse to stop.<br />
<br />
That is another top challenge. It is not your wife, it is you. Because if you don't find out, you could end up in this very same place with another women.

Yup. Endthegame, mvc, neuilly you are all correct. I have abdicated all power in the relationship. For this I take full responsibility. <br />
<br />
These are all good suggestions and I realize this time around I have to take stock of what the possible outcomes may be and be willing to face the consequences. So planning is something I must begin, which is a difficult step because in order to do so I must first admit to myself the marriage is over. And for all the pain, both physical and emotional, I have suffered over these very long years this abused man does not want his marriage to be over. I am realizing the marriage has been over for along time and it is only my stubborness that has held it together for whatever it has been worth.<br />
<br />
I would like to believe it has been worth a lot to my kids. Our household is peaceful and stable as my wife and I do not argue, or scream or fight...how could we when there isn't any passion? I have always believed I would grow old and walk hand-in-hand with the woman I love until death do us part. Perhaps I truly have because what is dying is my ability to persevere and my kindness, my selflessness and my respect for myself. How sad, how very sad.<br />
<br />
Sorry to be such a downer this morning, I fear this loss so gravely.<br />
<br />
Thanks.

What endthegame is saying is very true. he has made a some very wise statements<br />
To give your self some peace of mind, sort out as many of the unknowns as possible. You have a difficult and stressful situation ahead of you so protect your health. When we are dealing with the inknown, we always imagine the worst and so we bring even more stress on to ourselves. <br />
<br />
Sorting out your situation will be a process and little by little things will fall into place. But take the time now to prepare mentally to deal and cope with your situation. <br />
<br />
Neuilly

-----" I don't know what to do or how to deal with it."<br />
<br />
You seem to have abdicated all your power in the relationship.<br />
<br />
You are stuck and have been, for years.<br />
<br />
Your biggest challenge is NOT your wife's behavior, but your reaction to it.<br />
<br />
You write with honesty about the fear, consequences, etc.Great first step.<br />
<br />
Now you need to take the next step. You need to help yourself someway, somehow. This is on your shoulders.

I can't put it any better than Endthegame has. Right on the money

I am not an advocate of Annar Christians blanket comment "She does not love you". But this is where my mind is leading...<br />
<br />
A wiser person than I said "What is the difference between a woman that marries for money (Viewed as a money grabbing user) and a woman that stays in a comfortable relationship to retain the wealth and life style her husband has accumulated?"<br />
<br />
You need to challenge your thinking.<br />
At some point you need to ask your wife about this or it will eat you up inside, and she is likely to have a good answer prepared.<br />
Maybe she has been avoiding sex with you so long as she has signed out all those years ago and had affairs, who knows? Maybe you will never know.<br />
<br />
You need to prepare to leave, or to ask her to leave. Talk to a lawyer, write down the expenses and look at your running costs, know the figures.<br />
Look at your life and job and how you will manage the logistics of family and children etc.<br />
<br />
You fear the unknown, so make it known; this way you can confront it.<br />
<br />
Just my thoughts for what they are worth...

If she's out having an affair, why don't you do the same? <br />
<br />
She obviously, doesn't love you and it's NOT healthy for you to be in this environment. <br />
<br />
However, since you want to stay for your son, see a lawyer and get your finances squared away. Stash away as much as you can and prepare for your exit.