Some Fantasies Should Never Come TrueI remember writing three years ago that at times I hoped my wife was having an affair because she was too beautiful, too vital, and too desirable to live a sexless life. I didn't want her to feel the way I felt nor did I want her to live a life without intimacy. She is simply too wonderful to live such a lonely existence. I wrote this honestly, believing she deserved so much more even though she is the refuser.
I am writing this story now for a number of reasons. First of all a recent post brought up the question "What if our refusers were out cheating on us?" and I responded with the comments below. Secondly, what is written below is one of the main reasons I have migrated back to ILIASM. Third, and perhaps the most important of all for me, is as I confront this issue I need help, support, empathy and will probably also need a few slaps in the head as I travel down the path before me.
Brief historical profile: Married in 1986, sexless since 1988 (less than 4 times per year) and completely sexless - none at all - since 1999.
I found an email my wife printed and saved from March of 2004. The email was from a guy, my exact same age, where he had replied to her email confirming that he to "smiled every time he thought of their night together." At that point in time I had been refused any intimacy at all for five years and yet she found her intimacy somewhere else leaving me in my misery, alone.
It doesn't help to know this. It makes what seems like it can't get any worse...worse, much worse. This does not free me, it does not make decisions easier, it doesn't answer questions it only raises more. No, this doesn't help anything.
I found the email three weeks ago and haven't confronted her yet. I am committed to staying here until my son graduates high school, he is strong emotionally but I do not feel he should suffer the consequences of these adult problems just yet in his life. I also am afraid to confront her for fear of the consequences. I am sure I will have to leave, and I am afraid. I don't know how to deal with the emotions I am feeling and the financial struggles that are sure to come. I am afraid of the loss of my family and home; it is all I have worked for and lived for for the last 25 years.
So I wouldn't wish this on any human being and fantasizing over it or believing it would make decisions easier - as I have done - just isn't so. It hurts, a lot. I don't know what to do or how to deal with it.