I Want To Fall In Love, Be Loved And Above All I Want To Be Happy

I got married out of frustration and circumstances beyond my knowledge. It wasn't love or attraction. My parents denied me the happiness,care and love I needed as a child upto my teenage age. I was raped along the line and different things happened that had a negative effect on me. I met dis man at age 20 and he was 12 yrs older, got pregnant after few months and I had 2 move in with him. It was hell cos I wasn't working and he wasn't either. Got a job 2 take care of both of us and when the child came, it became more of a burden on me. He wasn't ready to be responsible for anything so I take it upon myself. We had sex once or twice a month then,he doesn't show me love or affection in anyway but I continue to carry the burden of not being happy but before I know it I was carrying another child and that was when I woke up to reality maybe because I was older and I begin to realise that I deserve better. I had been used and deceived. I now understand what marriage really is, I realised I needed to love someone, I realised that I could be loved and cared for. What sort of marriage am in? After the second child , everything changed. We stopped making love and we began to see each other as strangers, we argue every time and we never agree. Now, at age 33, I sit down to ask myself if this marriage has done me any good, but the answer is a NO. I regret everything about it...... A marriage where I don't know my husband, we don't communicate, we dont go out as a couple, we don't have sex ...... We're practically room mates and I think now I want to choose to be happy because my life has not been a good one and I want to die happy.