Ch Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes...

Hey, thanks for al the feedback and I'll spend some time reading them this weekend. You guys are great.

Yep, you are done. No point now in looking backwards and trying to fan the very dead coals that once blazed. . . . . Sad as this is, it is actually a GOOD thing, because you can work through your leaving phase without the additional burden of excess grief and guilt.



But do be aware that your wife is NOT at this point! Even though she may have sussed that the marriage is essentially over, her accusations demonstrate that she is still HIGHLY emotionally involved in this procedure. As she is wildly accusing you of all sorts of things, it seems very unlikely that, as you go through the process of separation, she will be mature, gracious and take her share of responsibility! I suggest you are in for a TOUGH few days and weeks when this turns from planning to actuality!



So do as Baz says, and get your ducks in a row first if possible. Then it is a matter of remaining STRONG. Remember that your wife knows all your vulnerabilities and she will not hesitate to target ALL of these in her desperate attempts to keep you there.



You need to avoid giving in because the pressure is too much to continue resisting. I found one strategy particularly helpful when I first left . . . if ever I was truly tempted to give in and go back (or in your case, to change your mind about leaving) I said to myself:

"I'll wait 24 hours. If I still feel like this at that time, I'll go back," I never did . . . .



Others here have also used this strategy and found it helpful. I hope you won't need it, but if the pressure becomes too great, please try it. Every best wish for a happier and better future.

I would have to agree wuth all of the othercommenters,. originally, I too was in a passion to save the marriage, to save the love, but it dissipated over time. I got tired, i guess, of beatng my head against a wall.



I am now simply at a level of neutrality, just a level plane, and that is where I am now, finally, willing to leave the marriage. That, now and only now, the spouse is detrmined to be different is unfortunate. It is unfortunate for him. It would have been easier for him, if he just stayed that way he was.



And so yes your comment about chnge is true, We do change over time, but usually, in strong relationships, your changes complment each others. In our relationship, the changes simply pull and push us farther apart. We just end up in a huge diss-connect



.Neuilly

i think both you and your wife should go to psychologist to solve your problem. i think most couple feel the same when they get bored but it does not mean you have to live separately..

Just go see a divorce lawyer.



Just out of curiosity, tell us:

Who started refusing who first?

Who went outside the marriage first?

@Baz is right. You're almost at the end when you couldn't care less.



See a lawyer and get your things in order. There is nothing wrong with doing this even if you never divorce. It's always good to be armed with knowledge. Gives you control over the situation.



For now, as long as this works, stay in it.

It reads to me like you are in the disengagement phase of your process.



This inevitably leads to the exit.



You'd probably be wise to start seriously working on your exit plan, every big and little detail of how you would go about it. Do it quietly, covertly - and THOROUGHLY. Do it now, while you are not in a state of high emotion, while you can think clearly and objectively. Soon, you will have a viable exit strategy ready to go. Then, you either set yourself a time to execute said plan - or, are ready to go at a moments notice should some unforeseen event happen (say like your spouse getting in first).



Tread your own path.

I know how you feel about the blase feeling... I also stand to be cast as villain of the century should I leave my refuser wife and marry the mistress, to say nothing of financial troubles and possible visa complications as I'm a foreigner on a sxpouse visa. Yet strangely none of it worries me anymore. Maybe this is a sign of maturity or depression...