Am I Having A Mid-life Crisis? What Do I Do Now?The stories written here have been so informative. I thought I was the only woman in this situation! I am so glad I stumbled across this web site!
This is my story.... I am 47 years old. I have been married to my husband for 23 years. I have 2 children( 9 & 6 yrs). I have been dissatisfied with our sex life since before we married. At first, everything was good. We met when I was 21. He was 28. He was mature, responsible, & he swept me off my feet. About a year into our relationship, my younger sister moved into my rented room with me, and our intimate/ private time was disrupted. I thought we would resume our passionate times after we married and had our own home. I thought it was just temporary circumstances. I couldn't wait to get married and go on our honeymoon. Sadly, our 10 day honeymoon resulted in only 2 sexual encounters. I thought it would get better when we got back home. I envisioned christening every room in the house! Wrong!
A few months into our marriage, I stopped taking birth control pills, because there was no need for them. Nothing was happening! Our sex life was very sporadic. I tried to " fix" things plenty of times. I wore sexy lingerie, made attempts, had talks. I spent many,
many lonely nights lying next to him, crying, wondering what was wrong with me. I didn't talk to any of my friends or family about this. I was too embarrassed. I felt ashamed that my husband didn't desire me the way I thought a man should desire a woman, especially one that he loved and married. He was a great man in every other way. People thought I was lucky to have such a wonderful husband! I tolerated the little sex we had because everything else was good. I told myself that no one has a " perfect" relationship. There is compromise in all marriages. Eventually, the sex stopped completely....
I am not even sure how long it has been. I know for certain that we have not been intimate in at least 13 years! It could be 15. I have lost track. Along the way, I also lost myself.....
I want to point out that 13 years ago, my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He went through hell! He had multiple surgeries, chemotherapy, etc. It was a terrible time, but thankfully he made it through! Throughout it all, I was right there with him, as a loving, supportive spouse would be. When it became clear that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and he would beat it, I was filled with " hope" that his illness would somehow be a turning point in his life, in our life. People always say how having a potential fatal illness "changes" them. I thought he would "wake" up and realize that life is a gift. I hoped he would appreciate me and our relationship more. After all, no one knows how long or short life will be. Make the most of what you have! Embrace the important people in your life! Because, when you get to end of your life are you going to regret not having that new car /huge house, or are you going to regret not telling someone special that you love them, just one more time?
Well, nothing changed....I gave it a few years and felt I was at a crossroads. Stay and try ,(Prior to his illness, we were trying to have a baby and struggled with infertility issues.) or leave. Who knew if the grass would be greener on the other side of the fence! I chose a family. And I totally quit trying to have any physical relationship with my husband. I threw myself into being a Mom! I convinced myself that it was all I needed! I did my best to switch off any sexual feelings. But deep in my heart, I was unhappy. I turned to food as my pleasure source.
Fast forward 10 years ... The children aren't babies anymore and don't need me as much. I feel like I have woken up! All the issues that were in my marriage before children, are STILL there! Only now I am much older! I am filled with such anger and resentment for all the wasted time. This is my one life to live too! I have embarked on a self improvement journey. I have lost weight! I go to the gym. I am trying to piece together my shattered self esteem. I have had several discussions with my husband that we have drifted apart. How can we live as brother & sister and not drift apart? He gave me all kinds of excuses for the lack of sex. There is absolutely no intimacy in our relationship! I have been neglected for years. I am no longer in love with him. I think he was worried I might be leaving, because believe it or not, he started making lame attempts with me. ( while I was sleeping) Years ago, I would've taken any scraps he offered, but not anymore! I have no intention of having a physical relationship with him, ever again! I cannot open my heart to the pain. I don't trust him. I knew his attempts weren't sincere, because they have stopped. I feel like I am at another crossroads. I am so afraid of making a mistake! My life is half over. I don't want to waste anymore of it! It saddens me to think I may never feel the touch of a man again. I haven't felt it since I was in my 30's and not very often then! I miss it! I miss the emotional connection too! I have two young children to think of though. I don't want to hurt them! But I long for MORE! Am I having a mid- life crisis? What is the solution?