Life's Most Painful LessonsLife's most painful lessons are it's most valuable. My marriage has opened my eyes to some very large flaws in my being. Deeply ingrained flaws that only the pain that spousal rejection can make you face.
I truly believed that my wife loved me for the longest time. When she was rejecting me, getting angry when I tried to hug her, refusing to spend a date night out or a sex night in with me. I still believed she somehow cared.
Why would I continue to believe that she cared? How could I go on blindly facing the facts yet refusing to acknowledge them?
Why did I so easily sacrifice my finances, my heath, and my emotional well being to please someone who so easily took everything from me yet gave nothing in return?
I have delved deeply into these issues. Most are just patterns in my life that were established as a child. The need for unconditional love and acceptance. The need to share my life with a caring person.
Well, I wasn't receiving any of these. I just gave until I couldn't give any more.
I also really began looking at other people's lives. Would any rational person accept this?
I began looking at the lives of some of my old friends. They seemed to laugh and smile. They went out to dinner with their wives. They talked about sex with their wives.
I realized that I have accepted things in my life that other people wouldn't accept. I have foolishly let other people take the lead for me because it was easier. It was easier than taking charge of things myself.
A couple of years ago, while under a different screen name I posted a story called "I Remember".
In it I recalled all the great sex my wife and I had before she decided she couldn't get any more money out of me. It was a long lonely story. Reminiscing about the times my wife's head was bouncing off the headboard or bobbing up and down on me in the car. It was a reflection of a fun time in my life. I had hope and optimism for the future. Then came the realization that I really existed in a bleak marriage.
Well, the hope and optimism is slowly returning. Partially because my wife and I rarely speak now. It is nice not being yelled out. It is nice not being compared to doctors and lawyers to reveal to me my financial short comings to make me feel bad.
It is nice not being refused for sex, because I don't ask.
It is nice not being turned down for a dinner and drinks only for her to go out for dinner and drinks with her friends.
I have had many sleepless nights. I have shed tears. I have questioned myself.
Now, I am looking toward the future. I have become stronger. I voice my opinion, and when it is not headed, I still value what I had to say. I no longer question my feelings. I no longer push what I feel aside for the "common good" of a one-sided marriage.
I realize that my generous nature was taken advantage of by a beast. I cast my pearls before a greedy swine. It is a mistake I will not duplicate in the future.
So, after years of self-medication and distraction, I have faced who I am and where I am at in life. I am becoming a man. I may be late in the game, but at least I am now in the game. I am greatly valued by my employer. My kids love me, and I can say that I have people in my life who really express care and concern for me. I can say that finally in my life that I can accept and enjoy the care and concern from others. There are people who do really care. I can allow others to do things for me.
I can now accept that I am human, and everything I do doesn't have to be perfect or please anyone else.
I can make a plan. Whether it is rational or not. I can set my own goals and direction in my life. I can believe miracles will happen and perhaps I will strike gold. I can be content even if I don't strike goal. Because I am no longer letting a nagging woman bring me down.
I can live my life not in reaction to my spouse, but in my own desired actions.